SusieC

I feel like I finally hit the rock bottom. Yesterday night I realized why I dropped out of university and I just can't get over this. In the university I had a roommate who pretty much was an alcoholic and everyone I knew drank all the time (or did drugs...or both). I felt terrible there and I tried to move out to someplace else but all of my friends drank all the time, everyone was drunk or stoned so I felt terrible everywhere. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and dropped out. I only said everyone that I felt terrible there and I honestly didn't know why exactly...I just did.

But now I know. I felt terrible because I was back in an alcoholic home where booze rules everything and I just couldn't take it. As a child I had no choice. I'm so repulsed by drunk people, alcohol means horror, terror and fear to me, I can't just enjoy myself and drink a few beers or something.

This hit me very hard. I never realized I was this deeply damaged by alcohol and my AF. I'm so angry at him right now! Basically I dropped out and from that moment on I can't find my place. I just try everything but can't do anything properly. I can't finish anything. I feel like a leaf in the wind. I just go wherever the wind blows me with no purpose meanwhile suffering enormously because I WANT to find my place in the world. I loved what I studied at the university. I could've been good in that field. My father reached out for me even from the grave and ruled my life even from there. He continues to ruin me and my family. I want this to stop but I have no idea how...He drank so I got so disgusted with drunk people that I couldn't attend and enjoy university like others did, so I can't find my place and often have to ask my mom to loan me some money and I'm terribly ashamed of this too. But I just can't seem to be able to stand on my feet on my own.

I want to be free from him. I want to break his "curse" and live like normal people do. But how? I've gotten to the point where I wish he'd died earlier and I feel terrible because if this too. But he did ruin my life and he very conveniently died before I could confront him with these facts. I want him out of my life or at least I want to put him in his place. He was sometimes a nice man who was a great father when sober but unfortunately alcohol got the best of him. Now I don't want to live in his shadow anymore.

I know I had a similar thread before but I feel this is much more serious than that one was and I don't feel I made a progress in this thing since. I couldn't sleep all night and now I'm so exhausted emotionally and physically that I couldn't even go to work today.

Also, what can I do now? It's pretty much too late to begin a new career...I'm 27 with no skills, no degrees, no discipline...It's so hopeless

Freedom1990

I started working towards a new career when I enrolled in college at age 50, and graduated this year at age 53. I took all of my classes online as I have disabilities that made it impossible to tolerate the seating in most classrooms on campus.

Have you sought any counseling or therapy? Both have helped me tremendously in dealing with family of origin issues.

It's never too late to start a new career, hon!

LifeRecovery

I understand that not feeling like you have a purpose in the world. I also understand the feeling of being "old" and that we don't get a chance to "do" what we want as a result.

At 34 I am just starting to realize that it is the journey not the destination. I am also starting to feel really grateful that I experienced the hardships I did and early in life also. Not because they were easy to deal with or overcome but because they forced me to get the help I needed. Al-anon, counseling, body work etc. Many of my friends and loved ones are just starting this process and though I am not where I want to be yet, the last year especially has helped me to see how far I have come...and how grateful that I had a base in recovery to hold onto.

I don't think it is too late for you....for school for anger, for you to feel comfortable in your life. I think what you are experiencing is normal in terms of emotions.

Good luck!

DesertEyes

Hello SusieC

In just one day? You want to get over it in just one day? I'm afraid it doesn't work that way, you have to get into some kind of recovery program and start first on an easy problem and then something harder and work your way up.

Now, to be totally honest, when I first started my own recovery I also wanted to get all fixed in just one day.

I know that anger. I had it too. It's actually a _good_ indication that you are moving forward thru the "grief" process of healing. You are no longer in denial, or in ignorance, so you have made a _huge_ step forward that many people never acomplish.

You stop it the same way all the rest of us stop it. You start with step one, and it sounds to me from just this post that you completed that step just fine.

You might also want to consider changing a few words in your explanations. Instead of saying "He continues to ruin me..." you can instead say "He used to ruin me... " because you are well on your way to getting rid of that damage.

Well, you keep asking what you can do to stop the damage. So here's a few tips that helped me.

First of, I had to understand that I was _not_ hopeless. What I had was an emotional _injury_, and that is important because injuries _heal_. If you read around the posts here you will find that all of us heal from this damage _if_ we get involved in some kind of recovery. It could be just a therapist, or just meetings of ACoA or al-anon, or a church sponsored program, or a combination. I healed by getting involved in ACoA and therapy.

I had to do things _differently_. I also felt hopeless, so I never tried anything. I was told to try things _anyway_, regardless of how I felt. Doing _nothing_ had obviously not helped, so I started doing things in spite of feeling helpless.

Like I went to college. And did very poorly the first year. Goodness gracious poorly. So I took the course over and did better the next year, and better the third.

Okay, so it took me five years instead of four, but I managed to muddle through. The point is I never would have tried when I felt hopeless.

Something else that helped was to start with something very small. Not for the purpose of actually being succesful at it, simply as an exercise. I started with cross word puzzles out of the newspaper. Not with the intent of finishing them or being correct. Simply with the intent of getting practice at something I had previously thought I could never do.

That practice helped. It showed me that I _could_ acomplish things I never thought possible, and helped me go on to the next bigger thing. Not that I ever got good at crossword puzzles, but the point is that I worked at them _anyway_.

You won't. Today you have stepped out of his shadow and realized just how big it was. But notice I said "was". You have taken that first step that takes you away from that shadow. All you have to do is make just _one_ more step tomorrow. And maybe another step next week, and little by little you will get so far away from it that you won't even see it anymore.

It's called "recovery", and I think you've done a great job of it.

Mike

SusieC

everyone

Wow, Freedom1990, that's really inspiring! I think somewhere deep inside I KNOW that it's never too late, I just have to get through this grief, I think I'm mourning my "lost" years...Of course they are not completely lost, but I'm years behind everyone from my generation and it feels really bad. I don't want to compare myself to others, that's why I'm not using FB and other sites like that but sometimes I can't help it. I want to go to therapy and I'm searching for someone but it's difficult because I'm moving home now and I'll live in a very small town, I'll probably have to travel to the therapist

LifeRecovery, I'm glad you said that this is normal. I don't have a concept of "normal" at all, and this is an important word to me. I feel like I'm a small child who is just learning how things work in the world. It's very confusing sometimes!

Mike, thank you so much! You've certainly given me food for thought

I think this site helps me a lot too, I know it's just virtual but I'm so grateful for the helpful people here! I'm not accustomed to people caring about me and taking me seriously or talking to me just like they do to the others...On this site I feel like a normal human being and this feeling is very unusual and new

SusieC

It won't let me edit my previous post so I have to post again.

Mike, you're so right about this thing, I'll have to have more patience than this.
Also a very important point is about the past tense. I sometimes talk about how he used to drink and what he used to do and I realize that I'm talking in present tense, as if it's happening right now! It's crazy. I don't say that "he used to go out to buy something and then came back home drunk a few hours later", I say that "and he goes out to buy something and he comes home drunk a few hours later and I'm so frightened of him and so helpless..." (he died in 2000...). Consciously using the past tense is a very important point and I will try to use it more often
Thank you again, this was very helpful

tromboneliness

My Dad died last year, at the age of 90, and I have some of those conversations, too -- in some cases, I do things that I know are somewhat contrary to what he'd have wanted me to do, just for the sake of "disobedience." That's not really helpful in itself, but it's almost like "practicing" independence, which I started to do while he was still alive. Stupid little things like learning a bit about how to play his guitar, but doing it with a flatpick instead of classical style -- or, when settling his estate, keeping my Mom's car and selling his. Stuff like that.

This stuff doesn't happen quickly -- I'm 48, and I don't really think I'll ever be "done" with it, any more than I can undo things that happened in the past. The ACA program (and Al-Anon, for that matter) helps me understand and deal with the stuff, though....

T

dollydo

Susie,

You have a choice, keep looking back in the rear view mirror or start looking out the front windshield. What is important is to make your past a guidepost, not a hitching post.

I too, have had many setbacks in my life, and each time I have had a choice, wallow in my self pity or figure how to reinvent myself, and, that's exactly what I did, drew out a plan to become a new and improved version of me.

Yes, it takes work, alot of work, it requires disapline and a burning desire to make a change. It is not just a thought process, it becomes a plan in action.

Currently you are allowing your father to hold you captive...in your mind...that part of your life can be over...if you will allow it to be. Don't you think that all the brain power you are wasting on him could be used in a more protective way?

You are young, you can make a change in your life, however, it is up to you and no one else.

dbh

Hi SusieC,

Thank you for posting and bringing up this topic.

I've been working on my recovery for over three years now. I remember how excited I was when I first got my "Big Red Book" and workbook. I had planned to do one step every month and thought I would be "cured" in a year :-)

I have since changed my plans and realized that I'm a work in progress and that my recovery sort of has a schedule of it's own. I take a couple steps forward, a couple steps back, but as long as I continue to heal I'm happy. I'll confess that I too sometimes get frustrated with the rate of my progress though. However, my life has and continues to improve.

I'm much older than you; I'm in my late forties. I sometimes wish that I had started therapy or recovery sooner, but I remind myself that I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be.

I can related to feeling angry about things that did or didn't happen during my childhood. Telling my stories around people who understand really helped me. I got it out and then I was able to let it go.

I eventually got to the point where I was able to release both my mother and father from all parental duties. It's a good thing too, because they really weren't doing a very good job.

It's freeing (and also scary) to take on the job of being your own loving parent. To me it means that I'm in charge and get to determine where I want to direct my life.

I've been a stay at home mom for awhile and this Fall I'm going back to school to pursue a teaching degree. It's never too late to follow a dream!

Thank you again for sharing and for letting me share.

Hugs,

db

dbh

LOVE this quote!

Thanks,

db

Willybluedog

SusieC,

Please consider evening college, I flunked out of college, my mom was an alocholic and I was a binge drinker with all the wrong friends, I found a job and went to school in the evening with other folks who worked all day and were doing everything they could yo earn a degree.

You can do this, it is never to late to start or go back, even if you take one class a semester at community college you are putting one foot in front of the other.

Remember you only fail when you quit and you make the decision to stay quit!

Please get into counseling, or go to Al-anon, or find a spiritual or religious group.

Try to eat right, get some exercise, try to get your rest, do not feel guilty about hating someone who hurt you, it takes time to work through that.

SusieC

Thank you for the replies, you're right, it's never too late, it's just hard not to feel angry about this, about having to start something much later than other people. I feel much better although I'm scared because I started enormous changes in my life, I'm moving, changing jobs, learning a new language, maybe even starting to learn something, to earn a degree.

The other night I had a dream about my dad, he was just there and I felt so much love and acceptance towards him and so much peace! Since that I feel I took a huge step in my recovery, he doesn't preoccupy my thoughts anymore, I know he could've been better, I know my life could've been better but I can change it and I started to change it. I honestly think he did the best he could, he was an untreated ACoA too, he had a very rough life and many many issues and he did love me. I don't judge him anymore, I try to focus on my present and future.