HurtDaughter

To try and make a long story short, my mother is an alcoholic, and has been for as long as I remember. In the past month she has spent 2 weeks in the hospital on the psychiatic floor. The first time she was released under a 30 day court ordered outpatient rehab program. She was out for 4 days, when we had to put her back in the hospital because she was threatening to kill herself and her husband. ( and she did actually tell me I would be next after she killed her husband). She was released last Friday, and within 4 hours, her truck caught on fire in front of a bar. So she of course went in and ordered a pitcher of beer while she waited on her husband to come get her. She also had a six pack in the front seat of her truck. While she was in the hospital we tried to talk her into an inpatient rehab program, but she was unwilling to go. I told her that she had a choice between getting help and going to rehab (inpatient) or no longer having me and my children in her life. She chose the alcohol, so as far as I'm concerned, I'm done with her. Unfortunatly she doesn't feel the same way. She is constantly calling me, leaving me messages, and now she is getting really angry. She showed up in my driveway tonight, and waited until my husband and kids got home so she could see them. She told my 10 year old daughter that I was a fat a$$ and gave her a cell phone that doesn't even work, so she can call her whenever she needs to. She then came into my work, (I work in a bar/club of all places) and told everyone in there that I was a f****** b**** and that she was going to get me fired so she could have her playground back (speaking about the bar). She kept trying to talk to me, but I was short with her, but polite since I was working and she was my customer. Before she left she told me she wanted to see her grandkids "right now", so I told her I was not having that conversation right now. She flipped me off and left. She then called my sister multiple times and left her messages saying she would see her grandkids no matter what.
I don't know if she is still drinking or not (she had a pepsi tonight) but her behavior is just not right. She has always been manipulative, but never to this extreme. She is so hateful, and has no problem telling lies. She told the hospital that her husband beats her, that my sister kidnapped her, and that I beat my kids. She honestly thinks she was put in the hospital the last time because she threatened to shoot somebody without a permit.
We've been told she has alcoholic dementia, but even though we begged/pleaded with the hospital, they could do no more for her. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid to let my kids out of my sight for a second. I feel like I have to watch my back in every thing I do. I will probably lose my job over this, because her husband is one of my bosses, and if they wont' stop her from coming in, I will have to quit. What can I do, short of moving across the country??

GingerM

Contact the police the next time she comes near you. They can take her in, against her will, if they consider her a danger to herself or others. They can put her in a psych ward against her will. If she has alcohol related dementia, there is not much you can do aside from protecting you and yours. And moving out of her range is an option - perhaps not an option you like, but it is an option.

EveningRose

Put blocks on phones and e-mails, document what she's doing, and take out a restraining order if necessary.

HurtDaughter

So I'm not over-reacting? Is it really possible to just be done with your own mother? I'm not evil by keeping my kids away from her?
And as far as calling the police, LOL. That is what I did when she threatened to kill her husband and herself. The sheriff talked to her, but told me there was nothing they could do. He said I would have to drive her to the hospital myself if she would let me. I told him that earlier that same day, my mom tried to jump out of my sisters van, he didn't seem to care. I also called the police the first night we pulled her out of the bar. She was in her truck trying to drive off, yelling, screaming, and causing a scene (in a nice little quiet town I may add) and they did NOTHING again. I mean, if she layed a hand on me, yeah I'm sure I could do something, but short of that, I just don't think the police will do anything about her just for being mean/hateful.
I've thought about the protective order, but then if her husband gets mad again and is done with her, and she gets put back in the hospital, I can't go up there.
Uggg.........I got 3 hours sleep and am now heading back to work, with my kids, since I can't let them stay home with her acting like this. I could just lay in bed and cry all day

Seren

((HurtDaughter)) I'm sorry you have had to experience all this. No, you are not overreacting at all. If it were me, a restraining order would be filed. It's soooo hard that it is your own mother, but your sanity and your safety and the safety of your children are worth protecting.

Huge hugs, HG

dollydo

May be time to get a restraining order against your mother. I would call the police next time, regardless of what they say, it is a record that can support the restraining order.

It may be time to look for a new job, and go no contact with your mother. It appears that your lives are too enmeshed, this is not healthy for you or your familes.

Your family comes first, your mother is not mentally balanced, and it is not healthy for your children to be exposed to her.

I am sorry, however, you can only control you, and engaging her is not going to accomplish a thing.

EveningRose

No.

I wish I could tell you what tipped the scales for me with my mother and why I haven't felt the least bit of guilt. But I have not spoken to her for three and a half years. I suppose I came to see 100% clearly that she really had no regard for me, and had no interest in me, anyway. I was just a warm body to sit in the chair opposite her and say, "Uh-huh, yes, oh, no!" while she talked endlessly about herself and her own life and her own thoughts and opinions, etc. Honestly, in 3-1/2 years, I've seen NOTHING to indicate that she misses my company. (why would she? She was never interested in ME; any warm body will do, to listen to all she has to say.)

It's been nearly as long for my father and other family members, and I have seen that I am a better parent without them on my back. When I closed the door, I felt better able to love my own children, without them breathing down my neck telling me I must MAKE my children be something other than what they were. I've been through similar things as you, having him harrass me and threaten me and call me vulgar names.

One of the things that helped me, personally, is that I also frequent a forum of 'hardcore' Christians--the people I thought would say I need to forgive and love, honor your parents, etc. Even they have said (unanimously, I might add): RUN. And, the only answer to people like this is to put great physical distance between yourself and them.

I have seen clearly that there is NOTHING I can do to make the relationship good for all of us (me, included) and in fact, it's not even humanly possible to do what they're demanding of me. So I feel no guilt at all in cutting contact.

dbh

Dear HurtDaughter,

I'm sorry that you're going through this right now.

My mother left my alcoholic father when I was 15 years old. I did end up moving out of state in order to get away from the craziness and I don't regret it.

My father didn't get violent too often, but when he did it was scary. Thirty years later it can still make me feel sick to my stomach. He passed away last year, but prior to his death I would often have nightmares about him coming to my home and ruining my life - taking my kids, embarrassing me in front of my neighbors, etc. Even now that he is gone, I worry that people are going to come after me because of his debts.

I've been working on my recovery for 3.5 years now and much of it has focused on separating myself from my father and realizing that how he lead his life is no reflection on me.

I had the "Three C's" posted on my mirror for the longest time:
1. I didn't CAUSE it.
2. I can't CONTROL it.
3. I can't CURE it.

There's tons of useful information posted in this forum on the top. They are marked as "sticky". I particularly like "Breaking the Dysfunctional Family Patterns". Also the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum tends to have more posts from people who still have active alcoholics in their life.

I found that even after I moved away I still had so much work to do on myself! I have two children (ages 8 and 11) and I want so desperately to not pass down the family dysfunction that I grew up with.

Guess that's why I hang out here :-)

Sending you strength and hope!

Warm Regards,

db