LeadHatter

as a acoa the expectations for me were that i need to better my own father and nothing short of improving upon his job would be enough. I realise now thats unhelpful but i dont know how to set my own expectations.

I always wanted to do something special like be a doctor and impress my family but i think now that also is wrong. I aught to do a job or career for me right? But im 32 and have no idea how to start looking for jobs.

I dropped out of school at 16 for a burger bar and then got pushed into computers by my father when it wasnt something really i had self interest in.

I worked computer jobs for seven years until i lost the plot a bit and allowed myself to be rescued and my life taken over by my parents again. since then i have done service jobs and worked in pubs [i loathe pubs now couldnt think of a worse place to start].

any other acoas have any experience in setting career or even job goals? i really want to proceed but how? help please

incidentally my father [a acoa qualifier] is an electrician but he didnt teach me a thing about electricity

SusieC

I always wanted to impress everyone but the harder I tried, the more I realized that it can't be done without causing damage to myself. I always had the most impossible expectations, I had to be the best in everything. I guess I wanted my treat for being a good girl and living in a horrible dysfunctional home for so long

I then discovered that it doesn't work like that. I had to adjust my expectations to my possibilities. For example, my mom always wanted me to sing. I tried and I wanted to be a singer for a long time. I suffered a great deal because I never felt successful enough and I always had a terrible stage fright. I never felt comfortable in that. Now I realized that it wasn't my goal to be a singer, it was an unrealistic goal because I'm really an introvert and I just want a peaceful life. It can't be done, and I don't want to impress others anymore, I want to live my life the way I'm comfortable with it and if they are disappointed, I'm really sorry. If they love me enough, they love ME and not THEIR expectations in me. True love is unconditional, if someone loves me only if I fulfill their expectations, it's not love...

I had a very hard time (and still have) finding my career path. I constantly have to ask myself: is this something that I really want or is this something I do because of my AcoA traits? I can't be much help as I'm on the same path as you, trying to find the lost myself.

LeadHatter

Thanks for your reply susie. Im reading codependent no more a 2nd time thats helping me. Do you write stuff down at all? I mean i noticed on the other thread you do your daily goal list was it. Some other codependents i know 'journal' though i dont even know what that is but they recon it helps. Freeform writing i guess idk. Sometimes i have found writing stuff into the box on sr and not posting helps. I dont know i like my misery too bad ha sometimes

Dont you find it can be difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. I mean my dad has been mean to me so many times over and over i find it hard to follow potentially good advice he gave like writing stuff down - dough!

there are ACOA meetings online you know

SusieC

I try to write down daily goals because if I don't I tend to do nothing, I just spend the day with stupid things. But because I'm this disorganized I find it hard to discipline myself to do this on a regular basis. I also write journal but the same there. I write for a few days and then nothing for a week. I have no idea how could I change, I simply can't seem to discipline myself.

I have a hard time to "separate the wheat from the chaff" too. I tend to accept or deny everything they said. I should find MYSELF, the person I would've been.

I'm waiting in an online meeting right now but nothing happens. Yawn...Just when I finally got myself there...

dollydo

Finding a career path demands a plan, a dedication, and a burning desire to be sucessful. No one is going to knock on your door and offer you a career, having a good career requires sacrifices. You must show up everyday, you must be on time, you must be flexible, and be able to think on your feet. Many people are just not willing to sacrifice. You must show the company you are working for that you are an asset to them and interested in moving ahead. This is a mindset, that may require an attitude adjustment.

As for finding your career path, it will help to identify and analyze your strengths. What are they? How can you apply them to a new career?

The longer one stays without a job, the more difficult it is to be motivated to get one. It then becomes easier to continue to do nothing and be depressed because you are not getting anywhere in your life....it is a cycle.

LeadHatter

thanks dolly im not depressed

im working my recovery every day getting stronger. doing codependecy and ACOA work i will get there. no rush.

mhealer3

hi friends,
i'm daily battling social phobias & feelings of worthlessness that i learned as a kid. my parents were both children of alcoholics. messed up people indeed.

i'm 51 yrs old now & recently i'm feeling like just letting go of the whole thing.
i mean, who cares at this point that i struggle 2 have friends & feel normal?
i don't think doctors or prescription drugs make much difference either...the doctor's probably more f&*()ed up than i am...
i may drink some, do some herbs...but i'm not going to go through life without some kind of buffer. life sucks in my opinion,
but i'm ok with it because it's TEMPORARY...
& i found out that God Loved me so much He allowed His child: Jesus
2 come DIE IN MY PLACE , for my sin.
that's my high these days

i feel like accepting myself the way i am, i guess. that way at least i'm agreeing with God.
i do alright for myself, but i'm in mental pain daily.
but HAVING GOD's Love restores my soul every day.
it's free & the only side effect is Peace & the desire to help others
be blessed young ones....love from new york

micealc

There are only a few of us that get this far.......why I'm so special I dont know.
I have been free of Alcohol and all Drugs sense 1986.....
I was a Practicing aLcoholic and Tranqualiser Addict.........Locked up 13 times in Mental Hospitals.Attended to by well meaning Drs and Phychytrists.
Just could not find Peace of mind or freedome from addiction.
I have discovered that my Spirit was stolen from me many years ago.
There are many me's to be rescued using ACAs=Steps, BRB ,HP and Help from great people like Tony A,even though he has passed on.
He has left Me/Us a Great rescue Plan.
Im sober over 20 years,have attended AA Meetings,but my real Work began when I found that I was not getting Emotionally well............I suffer Depression,Panic Attacks,Sever Pain.
I have gone at this Rescue Mission like the Chilian Rescuers went after the Trapped Miners.
Im leaving no Stone unturned in my Rescue bid.............and I cant and wont fail to rescue my Inner Child .He was Taken away from me by well meaning Parents and thoses that were ment to care for me as a child and young teenager.

sugarbear1

Have you gone to Al anon?

wicked

Try a site... JobHuntersBible.com.
The page is written by a guy named Dick Bolles, he is one of the writers of
"What Color is Your Parachute?"
It is considered one of the best books for finding your best job.

I am an ACOA, and perfectionism kept me scared to do anything.
When I got out of the military, this book led me directly to my next job which I enjoyed very much.
I needed specific instructions, like steps.

Beth