LeadHatter

i have a situation right now and im coming to understand that what was troubling me moreso than the problem itself was the fear of ridicule.

im wondering if this had to do with one of the 'tapes in my head' from my dad where he used to exaggerate and say things were 'absolutely ridiculous'

so im sat here telling myself this situation is not absolutely ridiculous but may or may not be ridiculous and anyway that would be only one angle or way or reading the situation [its ridicularity or otherwise].

its tough. yeagh thats a much better way of looking at it

EveningRose

Yes, I think it's the tapes in the head. And maybe someone has better advice,but it seems to me you're on the right track of laying new tapes.

I am the same way, even decades later, fearing that I'm a screw-up and am going to be ridiculed and finally realized it's my father's voice "YOU HAVE NO COMMON SENSE!" in the tone of disgust and some other delightful key phrases that thank goodness are gradually fading, and my mother's similar attitude.

One of the answers is to pull back from the negative people and make new relationships with positive people who see good in you.

I have come to understand recently that my fear of ridicule involves the fear that if someone sees bad in me, it means I AM bad (my mother's message: well, if they're saying such and such, maybe you better look at yourself, my mother's message that the problem is always me and I must change and be better so people won't have an issue with me.)

I have also had to grow a thicker skin, and realize that someone else's opinion of me doesn't matter. I've had to realize that EVERYONE in this world has someone who dislikes them. Silly little thing, but recently, I saw a really scathing post on someone's blog about a person I greatly admire, professionally and personally, someone with a sense of humor who can laugh at himself, a hard worker, all these admirable personal qualities--and it helped me to see that NOBODY is loved by everyone, and it's okay if someone disagrees with me or dislikes me or even says bad things about me. It doesn't mean it's true, it doesn't mean I'm bad.

Bit by bit, I'm getting away from this fear of ridicule, but it's a long, hard road.

doublewhammy

Oh...the tapes in the head. They are always there, but I try so hard not to play them. I have to admit, everytime I vacuum...every single time...I replay my mother standing there watching me telling me what a crappy job I am doing and I can't do anything right and she would just rather do it herself. Such an insignificant thing...being criticized over the way you vacuum...but I still hear her voice. If I think back I can remember a lot, but usually that's the only thing that plagues me. I really don't rehash (or play the 'tapes') but the vacuum gets me every time. With 4 cats and a dog...I do a lot of vacuuming, too. Darn it! Hehe (Of course, yes, I recognize the symbolism of it all and really it has nothing to do with a vacuum!)

EveningRose

Same experience here, too. I don't think my mother said it outright so often, but it was the heavy sigh of exasperation and the pained look of martyrdom on her face as she snatched away the dish cloth/ vacuum/ broom/ whatever, and said, "I'll do it myself!" that spoke the exact same message. And my dad with something to the effect of "Can't you do anything right?" and "No, not that one, how hard is it to get a PHILLIPS head screwdriver?" (probably when I was as young as 7 or 8), and "You have no common sense!" shouted with a look of disgust and disbelief that anyone could be so stupid.

One of the things that has helped me is to be able to see this situations as an adult and realize that I, as an adult, would never expect of a child some of what my parents unreasonably expected of me, and would never yell at a child for not knowing something he'd never been taught, although my father's method of 'teaching' was to tell me to do something I had NO way of knowing or being able to do and then yell at me for not doing it right.

I'm betting many here had similar experiences, and as children, we can't see how unreasonable it is. What do we know? Our parents say we ought to know and are stupid for not knowing, and we believe them. It takes looking at it from the perspective of an adult who finally knows something about the world and children and learning to see that we were not the problem, and bit by bit, it helps stop those tapes.

nowinsituation

Just remembered something my family used to do....

When I was younger, I apparently used to ask a lot of "stupid" questions. One day in the cartoon strip "Beetle Bailey", Sarge asks Zero to take a letter to the mailbox. Zero walks off, then returns with the letter and asks Sarge, "And put it in, too, right?"

My family (especially my mother) immediately started mocking me every time I asked what they considered a "stupid" question by responding.... "And put it in, too, right?" hahahahahah. Yes, that was very funny

Ugh. It is so difficult to record over those tapes!

EveningRose

I remember feeling this way. I think "You have no common sense" was my father's version of it, and his implications or statements that I was always screwing up. And one day, I realized why I asked "stupid" questions like "And put it in, right?" It's because no matter how hard I tried, according to them, I always managed to screw up, so I was trying to clarify every detail.

It was only as an adult that I realized it was more about them having a bad day and not giving clear directions than about me messing up. For instance, I remember a time cleaning houses for a relative. I swept and swept and swept because I knew my dad would come in and say his usual, "You did a half-assed job." (One of his favorite phrases.) So I did a GREAT job, got every speck up. Guess what. Then he yelled at me for taking too long and how 'everyone' was unhappy with me spending too much time cleaning.

It's a good first step realizing there's a reason we asked questions that seemed obvious. But it's still hard to get rid of the tapes.