phoenixfly

Hi there, I would appreciate any help or advise you could give me from your experience. I'm currently struggling to get sober from alcohol (I'm a binge/blackout drinker and the last binge [recently] was terrifying to me). I feel like I've begun to lose everything gradually and at the top of that list is my self-respect.

I'm also addicted to prescription meds that are given to me for a legitimate medical issue - I have three compressed vertebrae and spinal stenosis after my fiancé repeatedly threw me across the room in one of said blackouts. He's been in therapy since and I've been using painkillers to dull the physical and emotional pain. I know I can't keep doing this. I've gotten clean from the pills twice since then only to relapse. Have found it extremely difficult to control myself and take what I'm prescribed as I am an addict. Am also afraid of being left in legitimate pain due to this.

So, I do also get some of my meds from improper channels. To top everything off, I have a court date (my lawyer said everything will be fine but the anxiety is horrendous) next week - a week from tomorrow. It's terrifying. I don't want to detox until after that. And I know I need support and guidance. Am going to a woman's meeting (AA) tonight. Is it ok to raise my hand, ask for help, and also mention the pills? I've managed to wean down over the last two days quite a bit, so I'm hoping I can be off them at the end of next week and just be sick if I'm going to be sick. If I know it's the last time I can do it. I just need to know that deep down and the depression will end.

It's always the anxiety and the depression after I stop that gets me and I relapse. Not to mention the wave of physical pain from my injuries. I do believe I can hack that if I have some hope that this all will end. And not to be too dramatic - but not end with my my death. I'm scared. Scared of the night and the dreams that I have about using. Scared that all the work I've done to get my doctorate is about to be thrown away. I've really screwed up. And I want it all to STOP. I know there will be some pain involved, it's the fear of the suffering being never-ending that gets me.

I know my habit may not be as long as others, but I've been abusing alcohol and drugs in one form or another since I was a teenager. I had four years where I didn't drink and those were the happiest of my life. I hope there are some happy years in from of me and not the darkness I see right now.

Thanks for listening and reading - it feels good not to be so alone. PF

PCWONK

Well you've taken the first big step and admitted you had a problem.

With me it was always, yeah, I can quit next week, no problem. And then I never did. It just got worse, and worse.

The thing that I did to get me through (still going through) my detox was to write everything down and journal it. Share it with people on here. I did a blog and posted the link on my FB page so my friends could see what I was going through. Not looking for sympathy, but hoping to inspire.

But this is the first step, admitting you have a problem and asking for help. The best thing to do is seek medical attention. If that's not possible, ask a friend to come by.

becoming

Hey PF - I commented on your other post as well. I can also relate to you on using since my teenage years. At first I had substance abuse issues, kicked those and then abused alcohol for the past ten years. I also suffer from anxiety/depression. Are you seeing anyone for those issues or taking any medication for them? With regards to your BF, I think you should seriously consider ending that relationship. I cant see it being beneficial to you and/or your recovery in any way. I also think it sounds like you might benefit from an inpatient program if that is possible for you. Don't be so hard on yourself for what you are going through. I can guarentee the place you are now is not all your fault and the result of a lot of things that are outside of your control (past history, genetics, etc). But now is the time for you to do whatever is necessary to correct these issues. I have all the faith in the world in you :ghug3 so proud of you for recognizing your problems and reaching out for help!!

northbelle

It is good to know you are not alone huh? The fatal nature of addiction is a scarey thing to face. The derpession and anxiety of withdrawal can be dealt with though. You can get through those feelings...they are only temporary! Somehow getting through ANY kind of physical discomfort became impossible when I was using. I lost the abilitity to cope all I could do was go deeper and deeper. Finally in the end there just was not enough of any substance to kill my pain ...and I got clean..I have had slips but never for long and I brush myself off alot quicker ! Recovery has been a real roller coaster ride! But you know at least it is REAL!!!
Sounds like you have some great skills you can focus on. You CAN get back to your education ..its just going to take some commitment...things will happen exactly when they are supposed to if you jump into recovery!! IT takes work ..I work on it every day of my life and am always being pushed to the next challenge. It is not a boring life being clean! Its still ne thing after another.

I am ramblin but I wanted to welcome you and ENCOURAGE you to share !!! There is major HOPE..in RECOVERY!!! You can rock this!!

love norty

Impurrfect

(((PhoenixFly))) - welcome to SR!! You are definitely not alone.

I abused alcohol for years. Quit, no problem. Turned to opiates (I was a nurse, lost the career from my addiction). Quit, no problem. Discovered crack..BIG problem. Went from an RN to a street-walking, homeless crackhead. Spent time in jail, getting beat up, the whole 9 yards.

I finally had had enough and quit. Didn't do anything to change the addict in me, though, so relapsed within a year. Finally had enough, was facing prison and I found recovery.

I have some legit back pain, at times (ruptured disc in the past) and I do have to take something, but only after I've tried everything else and my dr. is fully aware of my addictive history.

I finally got to the point where I didn't want any substance (or man..I'm a codependent in recovery, too) ruling my life.

I won't kid you and tell you it was easy...far from it. I WILL tell you that life in recovery is SOOOOO much better. This site has been a HUGE part of my recovery. Just knowing that others are going through something similar is very comforting.

FWIW, AA meetings..I went to them, but I never mentioned the opiates in my shares. I did finally get to the point where I said I was "an alcoholic/addict", though I'd quit alcohol quite easily..out of respect for the meeting. It was in the talks to people before and after the meetings that I shared my opiate experience, I used the words "pick up" rather than using, and I got a tremendous amount of support. Many alcoholics also abuse substances, but AA meetings are about alcohol. Thing is, the things they shared were essentially what I was going through.

I'm glad you're here. Hope you keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Threshold

I am so glad you are here, please keep coming back. Yes there is hope, many like you are in recovery and you've found some of them here. Your situation is not unusual and people here can share their experience with you as you share yours with us.

If you have multiple addictions you may feel more comfortable in an NA meeting where the issue discussed is addiction, the disease rather than a specific addiction to a specific substance as in AA. I know that I found myself feeling a bit uncomfortable at AA because the focus was alcoholism and alcohol was not my drug of choice, though I did abuse it. I felt a bit inhibited when it came to sharing and had a harder time identifying than I did in NA meetings. That is why there is such a variety of 12 step groups out there, so all addicts can find a place where they can identify.

12 step is not the only way to recover, but because it is usually readily available and free, it's not a bad thing to at least look into.

FT

Hi PF,

I separated out some of the parts of your post to address. The first issue that comes to my mind is your safety. Sometimes when people say "fiance", they are referring to a relatively new relationship that might be headed towards marriage. Other times, it is a long term marriage-type relationship that has been going on for years.

If this is a newer relationship for you, you might want to think about whether you want to stay with someone who has physically attacked you, to the point of potentially killing you, from the sounds of it. Violence rarely gets better, especially in co-dependent relationships, which maybe this one is. I fear for your safety. If I were living under threat of violence, counseling or not, I would get out fast. If this is a longer term relationship, I wonder if couples counseling might help.

As to the prescription pain medications, you leave your safety zone when you start self prescribing and taking them for issues other than pain. Even people with severe pain can abuse the drugs, despite their legitimate use. Few addicts will fess up to their doctors that they are not using their drugs right, because they fear getting cut off. But if your docs KNEW you were under-treated for pain and were seeking out extra drugs elsewhere, they may offer you a different pain regimen to avoid that. Narcotics are often used with other drugs, and the narcotics themselves switched around, in order to avoid dependence and toxicity, and the docs often avoid the use of the word "addiction". But it happens all the time. Also be aware that abusing opiates can actually make your REAL physical pain worse.

Lastly, the anxiety and depression is a common part of opiate (and alcohol) withdrawal. People often lapse into addiction BECAUSE they are a depressive sort to begin with. The depression is there waiting for them when they stop covering it up with drugs or alcohol. Whatever was causing the depression to begin with needs to be dealt with. I am not a fan of psych drugs, but some people benefit greatly from them. I think you should be seeing a psychiatrist that can prescribe that stuff, in conjunction with your regular medical prescribers. Collaborative care can really work well if all the providers know what is going on between them. In this crappy managed care environment, it often means the patient has to get proactive (i.e. "pushy" or "aggressive"). Otherwise, often nothing happens.

There is a better life waiting for you. I am in my senior year at a local university at age 60, getting my bachelors degree next spring. I already have 2 other degrees, but this one is for me. So, I get the PhD thing. You CAN do this. And when you do, you will feel an incredible sense of freedom and accomplishment that you made it through CLEAN.

FT

dreamscape

absolutely it's ok to raise your hand and ask for help @ AA.
I think it's wonderful you're going there!!! Good for you!!

I usually go to NA but have been to several AA meetings and like them alot. Keep going!!

phoenixfly

A BIG thank you to everyone who responded. I went to my "first" AA meeting (wasn't my first but it was the first one I really "felt", if that makes any sense). I met a wonderful woman who said she would be my sponsor. She also has a problem with alcohol and prescription drugs so it was great to be able to be so honest with someone. I went to 4th of July fireworks after with my family so it was a good night.

Honestly, I feel so guilty going to events like that high. I know I'm not really showing up. My sponsor told me to "put the bat away" and stop beating myself up. Easier said than done but I am trying. My dealer ran out last night so my early evening dose last night was my last until this afternoon around 5. I was in withdrawal and it was awful - it's always awful, I know... I've been taking the drugs in large amounts (at least to me) for about a month. I've been cycling through going off them and then going back on for physical issues (and of course, mental ones) for the last year. Incredibly frustrating and defeating to think I was finished only to end up back in the same spot. It's what makes it harder each time. I got a refill on my script this afternoon and am determined to take it as prescribed and wean off over the next week. I'm going to need a lot of support and I hope I can keep you guys aware of my status - it's the fear of the anxiety and depression lasting forever that pitches me into that "long dark night of the soul." And I need to know that it will end and that I'm doing the right thing. I know it logically but it's when I'm "there", in "that" place that my rational mind starts to leave me. I would appreciate the guidance and support more than any of you know.

So, my plan is to sort out my legal issues next week and then detox at the end of the week. I am in an abusive relationship and my fiance (we are officially engaged, been together about 4 years and engaged for the last two) knows that. He is in therapy and I have seen a huge change in his behavior. I can forgive but I will never forget. It's always there in the backdrop a.k.a the proverbial elephant at the foot of the sofa (and bed, unfortunately). It's going to take a lot of work to sort it out and I need to sort my relationship with me first. And without TRUE sobriety and abstinence (no faux painkillers like Ultram or weed, at least for me, may work for some...) I won't be able to do so.

I desperately want to look back at this summer as the summer that finally gave way to the rest of my life without this perpetual struggling and pain. I can live with some physical pain but not the pain of always letting myself down. I've been given so many chances and averted disaster (accidentally killing myself or God forbid, another) so many times that I do feel there is a presence working in my life. Perhaps it is my dear Father who passed when I was ten (on my birthday, no less - ugh) who is looking out for me. I just know that some force is. And that gives me hope.

We discussed humility last night at the women's meeting (7th tradition). It was a great topic and very timely for me, personally. I know it's my ego that takes me back to that "one" drink or "one" pill, thinking I can handle it. Obviously, I cannot. And there was Daniel Radcliff (so young yet so insightful) admitting his own problems with alcohol on the same day. To have that kind of money and fame and to understand something so painful on such a deep and shameless level really impresses me. That's humility for sure. So, I'm hoping I can be more humble and let other steer when I can't even get behind the wheel.

As for my pragmatic detox plans, I've read so much about helping to ease the pains of withdrawal that I could probably write my own book. Yup, I got owned. Topamax, Lopermide, Neurontin, Benzos (which I am legitimately scripted and don't abuse), DXM, Tramadol (scripted it but no thanks to another opiate), Clonidine, and the list goes on...I'm essentially scripted all of these with the exception of Clonidine and the rest are OTC. Any ideas on making this less horrible than it will be? My sponsor said her sponsor forced her to cold turkey it so she could "feel and remember the pain." I've felt and remembered the pain cold turkey and it's beyond horrible. I was given suboxone during this ordeal and stopped that cold turkey. Yup, beyond horrible. I don't see the point in suffering needlessly and I also think it's not the suffering that makes a person want to stop. It's the desire to have a better life and be a better person - the one I know I really am without drugs and alcohol. I miss that person. So, even if my sponsor insists, I'm not going to cold turkey it if I don't have to. With my physical pain issues this is going to be bad enough.

Any ideas or insights would be greatly appreciated. Like I said, I don't expect it to be painless but I would like to avoid as much as I can the horror of anxiety that comes over me. It's what lead me in the past to drink and I really really can't use this as an excuse to do something so very stupid. And I won't. Thanks again for listening. PhoenixFly

phoenixfly

What a wonderful response - you addressed many of my fears and encouraged me so much. I will keep sharing. Thank you so very much. PhoenixFly

becoming

Thank you so PF for updating us!! Great job getting to the meeting! So proud of you and your sponser is right, put that bat away!

I can so relate to this it is not even funny. My moods cycle like crazy, especially when I am under stress. Which I have been under a lot lately lol.


Totally agree! I was amazed at his insight and maturity! Dubby would be so proud of Harry Potter = )

phoenixfly

Hey there, so, I'm still taking pain medication. A huge issue for me is that I have legitimate pain (3 compressed vertebrae, spinal stenosis, and bone spurs pressing down on a nerve. It's the real deal - and hurt terribly this morning. I took one 10mg, then another, then finally another...the pain went away. This happened over the course of three hours but I'm right back up to taking more than I want to and more than I'm prescribed. I have a demanding summer - am taking the last of my doctoral credits and cannot NOT function (that's some great double negative stuff going on there......).

Anyway, I'm frightened to tell my doctor I'm mentally addicted since I don't want to be left in pain. I've tried all non-narcotic treatments under the sun and they don't work. But I'm self-medicating and that's not good (or right) either. I wish I could be honest with my doc but I know they will just pull me off the small amount of painkillers I get and then flag me. This state is very stringent about the rules not like certain southern states from what I hear...

So, I'm boned, basically. I am still taking less than what I was before but much more than I want to take. I fear handing them over to my boyfriend, since we've tried that before and my bugging him for a pill leaves him exasperated. He works from home and is on video conferencing a lot. I've tried to stress how important it is that he helps me with it, he agrees (seems compassionate at the time), and then loses patience. Also, if I stress that I feel addicted, I will leave myself vulnerable to attack at a later date. I know things should not be so. But they are. And the alternative is perhaps one rung up from homelessness.

So, as far as detox goes - I'm getting another cortisone injection at the end of next week and hope that will help. I'm also wondering how the h@#! I'm supposed to detox, work, and get the injection. Yup, I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed. I feel like hanging out with my friend and drinking beers. But I'm not going to do that. Am going to a meeting at 7PM instead. Thanks for listening. PhoenixFly

FT

PF,

I already tried to make some suggestions about pain medications above, but I understand your reluctance to take them. Many addicts think that they have "tried all non-narcotic treatments under the sun and they don't work" because they have tried all the OTC drugs out there. Like I said, the pain docs can't know how to treat you if they don't know your pain is UNDER-treated. They often combine drugs and change formulations to avoid tolerance issues, and different methods of delivery can be tried.

I hear a lot of excuses coming out of you as to why you have to keep doing what you are doing -- which is self-prescribing. I empathize with your pain, having been through two orthopedic surgeries and continued severe osteoarthritis. Eventually you will have to decide how much pain is "acceptable" if you want to live an opiate free life. Or, you can just stay on opiates. Most of the past two years I did not believe I could live a functional life off opiates. I did the entire winter quarter at the university this year detoxing at the same time as going to school full time and working full time, all at once. I don't mean to set myself out as an example, because I was miserable. But I knew it was what I had to do.

I hope you find your way. Do whatever medical therapies will bring you to "maximum medical improvement", and then make a decision about how much pain is tolerable. Lots of pain I thought was intolerable on opiates was no different than pain I lived with for years before I "met" opiates. They are insidious at eating away at your resilience in ways you can't imagine until you are in too deep to get out. Or feel that you can't.

I'm sorry if my suggestions aren't acceptable, but that is what I think.

FT

PS - There is a saying in the legal profession: The saying goes "he who represents himself has a fool for a client." The same applies the medical field, in most medical professionals' opinions.

phoenixfly

Hi there, What you suggest is not "unacceptable at all" - you're just being straight with me about your point-of-view. I get that and appreciate it. When I mentioned non-narcotic pain relievers, I don't mean OTC's or NSAIDS, I've tried alternative therapies as well as Neurontin, Lyrica, Topamax, Tramadol (supposedly non-narcotic but I know can be quite dangerous), the list really does go on. So, I have sought out non-narcotic treatments and a sad facts is that chronic pain does go under-treated since narcotics ARE dangerous and addicting. Do you think they hold any place in treatment for an individual with chronic pain issues? I'm just curious to hear what you think.

I do know about rebound pain and now that I've cut down am wondering if the pain isn't being perceived as worse by my mind because of my addiction problems. I've also found that narcotics block the pain to the extent that one may re-injure themselves without knowing. So, I've a lot of these issues floating around in my head. I do have another cortisone injection coming up and am holding out great hope that it will help alleviate some of my symptoms.

I've a high pain threshold but the constant nature of this pain has destroyed the quality of my sleep when untreated and the quality of my life. Pain is certainly subjective so it's hard to compare my pain with yours and vice-versa. Certainly, you may have been able to attend classes while in w/d but that doesn't mean that your pain is the same as mine or your withdrawal is. I mean this respectfully. I do appreciate what you're saying in that I need to be honest with myself and that's something that, as addicts, we all struggle with. It's the reason I asked for help on the boards and will do the same at the meeting tonight. If the cortisone works, it will be so very very welcome. If it doesn't I know I can or cannot spend my life taking opiates. With these kind of chronic pain issues, that is a viable option. I don't want that to happen to me, though. It's the reason I've chosen to be honest in my postings and have asked for help. And I appreciate the time you've taken to offer it. Best, PF

penthilisea

If it is an option, consider doing a supervised medical detox. I was abusing fentanyl, which sort of the mega narcotic, thought it was legitimately prescribed for pain (to begin with...)

I am SO lucky that my local county hospital has a detox/psych wing where they could do rapid med changes, and basically keep their eyes on me. I'd been on the psych ward there before, as I suffer from major depressive disorder and the opiates preventing my anti depressants from working, so I had a few suicide attempts.

ANYWAY... I'm still not 100% sure of all the meds they had me on, but they tapered me down using oxycontin, I also had clondaine, remeron, buspar, and another non addictive anti anxiety med available to me at all hours. Plus, they fed me well and made me actually TAKE my meds. It wasn't FUN by any means, but the withdrawals I went through on my own at home when I ran out of meds was so miserable that the week of tapering was totally manageable.

The thing that finally got me to do something wasn't any serious external consequence in my life, but 6 months of a consuelor telling me every week that my depression wasn't going to get any better till I stopped taking the depressants (opiates). And darn it, he was right!

FT

Of course there is no way I can know your pain or your withdrawal symptoms. At the same time, while I thought I was unique, I found on this forum that my withdrawal symptoms were pretty much universal. The worst one for me was not even feeling so sick, but feel so TIRED. My lethargy was almost incapacitating, and it took everything I had in the first few weeks just to get into the shower. The lethargy slowly lifted to where now, at 6 months, I am getting my energy back -- but not completely.

I'm stuck with pain, and I don't like it. I just know that narcotics aren't going to work for my chronic pain, as the side effects (including tolerance and toxicity) are just too great, not to mention the stigma of being an "opiate user". If I can avoid it, I will. I got two new titanium knees so I could walk again.

Chronic pain is an issue that the medical professionals haven't figured out how to treat. The first thing is fix broken stuff first. Then deal with the fallout, which is the chronic pain. Medical professionals are taught to consider "pain" to be what the patient says it is. Addicts aren't necessarily "lying" when they cry "pain!" But abuses occur, often unintentionally, as with yourself. But they are still abuses and answers should be sought.

I have the greatest empathy for people who suffer severe chronic pain, and I absolutely support the use of whatever pain medication regimen is necessary to make their life tolerable, including opiates. I take exception with self-medication, not using medications as prescribed, doctor shopping and multiple prescribers, etc. People with chronic pain should be medically managed and not getting their pain medications off the street.

You might be interested in a medical article published by the Washington State Agency Medical Directors’ Group (AMDG), on Opioid Medication Guidelines. Here's what they say about when to "call it" with potential addictive behaviors:

REASONS TO DISCONTINUE OPIOIDS OR REFER FOR ADDICTION MANAGEMENT:

No improvement in function and pain or

Opioid therapy produces significant adverse effects or

Patient exhibits drug-seeking behaviors or diversion such as:

Selling prescription drugs

Forging prescriptions

Stealing or borrowing drugs

Frequently losing prescriptions

Aggressive demand for opioids

Injecting oral/topical opioids

Unsanctioned use of opioids

Unsanctioned dose escalation

Concurrent use of illicit drugs

Failing a drug screen

Getting opioids from multiple prescribers

Recurring emergency department visits for chronic pain management

Here's the link if you want to read it. You might also want to Google "Non cancer pain management" and "opiate naive patients".

AMDG - Opioid Dosing Guidelines

I wish you luck, and I hope you can find a way to full function without having to depend on opiates. Rebound pain was an issue for me, too.

FT

HoustonAddict

Pheonix,

I have been just where you are now. I am at a treatment center in Houston called The Right Step. It is scary, but they are helping me get straightened out enough so that I can get out of here. I go to meetings 3 times a week even though I'm in treatment. Don't try to do this alone. Get some help when you need it. Good luck and God bless.

phoenixfly

I do actually agree with these guidelines. I've been honest here because I want to be accountable. What happened to me went as follows: after I was hurt the first time, I was put on copious amounts of painkillers. When I wanted to stop, I tried to discuss it with my doctor but his nurse essentially told me to "find an orthopedist". I was naive, as I hadn't had the experience of either pain like this, opiod medication, or how to get good health care. So, not understanding that I needed a doc to wean me off, I panicked. I went to a suboxone doctor, thinking it would be a cure-all. It was NOT and it was horrendous to get off of. When I did stop taking it, I did not deal with the depression and anxiety well (again, I needed medical treatment that was sound, not based on profit, as well as counseling - the program I was in was the opposite of these things). My boyfriend got very angry since I was drinking and caused MAJOR injuries this time - broken back, etc. Well, that was December. I know that's unacceptable - completely. So, there's no need to point it out. Things are not always so black and white when you're living in them.

This time when I went to see a physician, they would not prescribe me anything above 5mg percocet since I had admitted to taking suboxone. So, with a broken back, a split head, and the compressed vertebrae in my neck, I had lots of time to think about how screwed the relationship was and the intense pain I was in. I left for four months and have now returned after he has gone through intensive therapy and anger management classes (not court ordered, but on his own).

That suboxone and the seeking addiction treatment still haunts me and I have been under-medicated due to it. I've had two nurses tell me directly that it's the cause. So, you see - you can judge me all you like for procuring drugs off the street but I was quite desperate. They may sound like excuses but these are the facts. Another fact: I DO want to get off the painkillers for good this time. Full stop. I am willing to live with misery as long as it gets better and there is hope. And while the symptoms of withdrawal may be similar, the severity and length are very different for everyone. Some feel little to nothing while others have a horrendous time using the same amount of time and the same dose. We are idiosyncratic creatures for sure. I'm sure you've "toughed-it-out" through many things - me too. I'm ready now though for there to be pain without suffering, if you know what I mean. Thanks, PF

FT

Yes, I do know what you mean. "Pain without suffering" is a really good way to put it. Some cultures actually "welcome" pain and, as a result, some of these people suffer unneedlessly when hurt or ill.

You are absolutely correct about pain perception being individual. That's why I pointed out that medical professionals are trained to define pain as whatever the patient thinks it is. It is the only way you can begin to treat it.

I seriously don't fault anyone for buying drugs off the street, especially if you are one of the unfortunate "undertreated" people, and that does happen, especially in the opiate-stigma-associated world we live in. Many doctors are now afraid to prescribe opiates and some just won't. Most don't seem to know how to approach addiction, because even the sub-ox doctors only have to have a day of training to be authorized to prescribe it.

The reason I can't fault an addict for getting their drugs wherever they can is that I have been addicted myself, and I know why they do it now. I have an entirely different viewpoint of addiction than I had before it happened to me. I now know that no one could have yelled at me enough or threatened me enough to make me stop.

Having said all that, it is just a really BAD idea to self-medicate. You need to find a doctor who will listen, and who will not leave you under-treated. You may never be pain free. You may have to decide that you will live with a certain amount of pain. You may choose to live your life on opiates. There are some people who do that. Medically managed, I have no argument with that.

I now have a lot of pain from osteoarthritis, especially my right shoulder and hips. It really sucks, because I know oxycodone would make the pain go away. But only for awhile. Then it would get worse. And then I would be addicted again. I won't go through that cycle. I have also been tried on a bunch of prescription drugs like Lyrica, stronger NSAIDS, etc. It irritates the hell out of me to see antidepressants being used for pain, but evidently for some people it helps. It just reminds me of how women used to be put on tranquilizers for "hysteria", as though women were just "nervous" by nature. Geez.

Sorry to rant.

I hear your frustration. I know you have pain. I just hope that for your sake, you will find that balance that lets you manage your pain and functionality without the need for opiates. They really are not the miracle drug they seem to be at first blush.

FT

phoenixfly

I agree with everything you said - thanks so much. It has been suggested to me that anti-depressants may be a good medication for my bulging discs and bone spurs. Ugh - it's outrageous, really. I honestly do want to treat the problem, not the symptoms. It becomes a nasty mishmash of guilt, confusion, and poor care when you feel like you're taking matters into your own hands. I hope I can find that doctor you speak of! Honestly, this morning I thought "I'm going to take NOTHING and see how bad the pain becomes and whether I'm exaggerating it in my mind." So, I went on with my day - had been up a good part of the night in pain but that's always a bad time - too much time to think and not enough distractions. Besides someone else's snoring. So, I did wait and the pain was excruciating when it started to really come on - like a dozen lobsters clamping down on my neck, shoulder, and arm. I did my work and tried not to pay attention and then gave in and took a percocet. So I do know it's not "all in my head" - but when you're a woman, I really do believe there can be an inherent bias. Just like there is for minorities or for low-income individuals.

Anyway, I'm glad we could have this dialogue and I thank you for your time. Can I PM you? I do hope your arthritis is not too bad this summer. My Mom has two artificial hip and is now bionic. She loves the attention she gets when she goes through metal detectors! Again, thanks very much. PF