SusieC

I'm having a bad day and I had a bad day yesterday too. It all started with a minor stupid thing which frustrated me and I got angry. Then I went to a shopping spree and spent some of my rent money! I didn't buy anything useful of course. When I got home, I realized that I copied my dad's behaviour from moment to moment! Only that I don't drink so I do something else that's equally stupid, like this shopping yesterday. I realize that everyone needs something to comfort him or her but this is not seeking comfort, this is stupidity and copying the addict's behaviour. My rent is due in a week and now I don't have the amount anymore. I know I was stupid but at the moment I just couldn't help it, I was like who cares, I deserve a treat, nobody gives it to me anyway!

I feel I'm back to square one. I was doing really well but now I'm back to my old ways in every aspect. It's as if nothing had happened. What should I do? Sometimes I feel like giving up. I know I shouldn't but it all seems so hopeless! I started my recovery 20 days ago so it's probably a short time and I should be more patient and gentle with myself but I can't help to be angry. I'm constantly beating myself up over all this. I can't be THIS stupid!
Do you think this is normal and will pass? Can I do anything to speed it up?
Some words of wisdom would be much apreciated as I'm so clueless right now...

DesertEyes

Hello SusieC, and pleased to "meet" you

Over here on this side of the world there's a "disease" called "Shop-aholic". It's not considered stupid at all, it's considered a form of addiction to adrenalin, like a mild form of addiction to stealing or driving too fast. Addictions are known to be partly genetic, so it may be that you are not stupid at all, but dealing with a mild form of addiction. If you google it you'll see thousands of resources.

That kind of thinking is very typical of addictions, see "Step 1" of AA or any other 12 step group.

hmmmm..... I dunno. Sounds to me like this time you are aware of your behavior, you are aware of your ACoA issues and that your dad suffers from alcoholism. A _single_ step back maybe, but still a _long_ way from going _all_ the way back to where you had no awareness and no knowledge.

Well of course it does. If you look at the _whole_ journey of recovery and try to fit it all into one day it is hopeless. But as several of us discussed in another thred, we're only supposed to recover "one day at a time".

Oh you will be more patient and gentle with yourself. It's just that _today_ you are not. Tomorow will be better. One of the sayings of recovery is "You shouldn't should". Which means that _today_ you are exactly where you are in your recovery and saying "I should" doesn't help you recover any faster.

Yup, it's very common. If you read thru all the posts you'll see lots of people posting on exactly those feelings. And yes it will pass, I hardly ever do it anymore. Okay, once in a while, but not too often

What helps me with that issue is reading about Step 1. In the ACoA literature and in AA and al-anon. Also, you can make a plan to make up the money you spent. Can you return the merchandise? Can you sell it to a friend? Can you work a few hours extra somewhere just for a few days? The idea is to take _action_ about the issue, instead of just sitting around feeling bad.

No worries. Everybody started clueless. Actually, for just 20 days you have a lot of good awareness of your behaviors and how they impact your life. Most people take _months_ before they even admit to having a problem with shopping, or food, etc. etc. I think you're doing really well.

How about you share with us what you find out in your readings of step 1? That way we can all benefit.

( no, it's not homework, it really would be helpful to have discussions on the steps )

Mike

dollydo

Please don't give up, you are not only capable of doing this, you also have a burning desire to get healthy, those two ingrediants will guide down the path to success.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on that path, what happened today and yesterday are only little detours that you can overcome.

Think positive!

SusieC

Thank you so much, you both made me feel much better!

I think maybe I learned the addict behaviour in my childhood as that was what I saw at home from my dad Shopaholic is very accurate unfortunately, I'm horrible with money, now I enrolled to a financial literacy course and I'm trying hard to succeed in it...That's one thing why I was so angry at myself, besides realizing that my dad, although not with us since 2000, still rules my life and I still mimic his behaviour. It's been 11 years since it's all over and yet in my brain it is far from being over...

I didn't read about the steps yet but I will and will write about it here. I wanted to go to a meeting for a long time now but I live an isolated life and although I suffer from loneliness, somehow I feel it's much more safe. I have to work on this too but right now it seems so overwhelming to go out and meet those strangers and of course there is someone who runs the meeting (potential authority figure).

I didn't get much sleep this night, I was thinking about my life and this whole thing. I fell asleep when I found peace in the thought that I can't do anything about the past. It's done and however I pity myself, it's still a fact. It's just that sometimes it's so hard to not be angry when I see other people with a nice family, I envy their relationship with their dad, I feel sorry for all those years I spent running from my past and from my family and not realizing that the thing I'm running from is not even there anymore. I realized this now but when I go home, my anxiety levels are sooo much higher, and when I wake up, I still check if the person who is with me is still breathing...(how tragicly stupid thing is that).

I still can't be free. My dad is still with me, leading my steps, running my life even from the grave. I'm also so confused. He was a good man, he loved me, how come he didn't get help then? I feel I'm oversimplifying things when I blame him, and on the other hand I feel I'm too forgiving to him, not blaming him enough (if this makes sense). I hope I'll figure these things out sooner or later.

Now my life is in ruins, total chaos. I thought I was somebody else. Now I want to change most of the things I did, I want to change my life because I did so many things just because I wanted to run away from my past and family! I moved in another country even! I want to go home but what if...what if the past comes to haunt me there? I have so many issues, I'm so scared sometimes. I feel bad for needing help. I always was the strong one in the family. What will happen now that I will (because I WILL) admit that I need help...and I want to move back to my home city? I'm too scared to think about it.

Thank you for letting me share all this, I'm not sure why I wrote this down, it just felt good letting it out

dollydo

My dad, who died last year was real CHEAP, he denied himself and was a very selfish man. I resented him for that behavior flaw.I was an only child to him, a good student, and, wanted to go on to college, I had a partial scholarship, yet needed money for a place to live, books, food and so on. Well, he told me if I wanted an education I'd have to figure out how to do it on my own. So, I did, took me 6 years, working during the day and going to school at night.

When I finally became somewhat successful, he taunted me, "Look, there is my daughter the executive." Never a word of praise, never lifted a hand to help me.

This went on his entire life, he lived like paulper, he was all about money, money and more money. Now, he is gone, one of the last things he said to me was "I am sorry that I cannot take my money with me, you are going to get it, BUT, don't spend it."

Surely, he jests, my goal is to take my last breath and spend my last dollar at the same time! Just kidding!

My spending style is middle of the road, I always pay myself first, that means paying my bills and saving a certain % for my short and long term goals. This takes planning, do you have a budget? How do you view money, what is its purpose to you?

You are taking some positive steps, keep moving forward. Sounds like you have some impulse control issues, these can be corrected. There are alot of self help books out there, go to the library, there is a wealth of information there.

If you will forgive your father, you will be more apt to get your life together, right now you are allowing him to hold you prisioner.

I forgave my father for me, not him, try and let it go.

Sending hugs your way,

Keep venting it will help!

49er_fan

I'm not an expert on spending control, but I am an expert on beating myself up. The way I look at it is that it took me 30 years to get screwed up, it's going to take me 30 more to fix myself. I'm going to make lots of mistakes along the way. I've told myself that I will never again beat myself up for trying to make myself better, even if i screw it up every once in a while.

The story below has become my mantra for not beating myself up when I make a mistake:


I walk down the street.
There is a hole.
I don't see it.
I fall in.
It isn't my fault.
It takes a very long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still a deep hole.
I pretend not to see it.
I fall in.
I pretend it's still not my fault.
It takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is still the same deep hole.
I see it.
I fall in anyway.
It's a habit.
I get out quicker this time.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole.
I see it.
I walk around it.
I don't fall in.

I walk down a different street!!!

MMkM

DesertEyes that is a good idea about working the first step.

Many of us, unless in ACoA meetings may not have even done
that yet.

It is the Red Book.

Is it only available by order or at meetings or is a copy online
for people.

SusieC

Thank you for the replies
I'm trying VERY hard to control my spending habits and get a budget, I'm learning but it's hard as I had no idea before that you can actually control your money and not just spend it...It sounds bad and it is but that's how it is
I tried Mike's good idea to find some odd jobs to earn back the money I spent, not much luck unfortunately. But it actually led to something good. I realized that I don't want to pay that rent, I don't want to be here, I want to move back to my home city and change so many things in my life! I'm not happy here, I'm not meant to be here, I'm here only because I wanted to ran away from my past. I will have problems with this, as my mother will surely be angry that I give up my job here and although she's a very caring and intelligent woman, she probably won't understand that I need help, as she thinks that you can do anything with willpower. At first I will have to live with her so this may lead to some potential trouble but I hope next week I'll have enough courage to tell her that I'm moving back home and I need help.

49er_fan, thank you for that story, it's great! I will use it, it's wonderful and so true!

I'm not sure where to begin the first step. Are there any books or online resources where I can find more about it?

thequest

That's how my dad is. He complains bitterly about lack of money but uses it as an excuse not to bother with things he doesn't want to bother with anyway. He works so hard at saving money by not spending on certain things he winds up paying more later especially on things like his car & house. He'll wait until minor issues/observations become major repair problems. The problem has to affect him.

He's ultra conservative with his finances too but again what worked 20 years ago is not working now. On one hand barely survived the 2008 crash but on the other he has made super slow progress since. And I've given him more aggressive but safe and/or mainstream ideas and he refuses to listen.

Then he whines about not having money. Then he blames the economy and then he blames the politicians. You get the same lecture then rant everytime money is mentioned in the smallest form. But he whines about no money and refuses financial or physical help to his own detriment. He's so old fashioned about finance with things like your credit that he is one of the senior family members that thinks the problem alcoholic & massive over spender should be given money just to preserve their credit.

And you dare not talk about ANYONE in the family immmediate or relative like they have an addiction problem. He actually jumped on me for talking about someone in terms of addiction & rehab ie don't enable and these are the signs.

You are right, venting helps.

dollydo

My Dad's brain was like a continuos loop, there were only two things he ever talked about M&M.... Mars being where he worked for 40 years, and, Money. No matter what you tried to discuss, he always brought those two things into the equasion.

When he died I had to clean out the house he lived in for 50 years, it was a pig sty, 3 floors of dirt and junk. I had to spend a ton just to be able to list it with a real estate agent, not a one would take it as is....that is how bad it was...over the years I cleaned it myself, I hired cleaning people, nothing helped, he would fire the cleaning people and the mess continued to grow. He wouldn't spend a dime in upkeep, the place was falling apart around him. All because he was too cheap and wouldn't spend any money.

Due to his selfishness he created a near disaster for me. I worked there 8 weeks, I was at the point of physical and mental collaspe.

I once asked him, "Dad, why do you live this way, why not start cleaning up this mess?"
He responded " It's just easier to die, and leave it for you to handle." and, that's what he did.

The things that bothered me the most was how selfish he was with his time also, he spent very little time with me, his choice. If he didn't see me for a year or two, that was ok with him, he would call me every Saturday, I would listen to him talk about M&M and he was satisfied, sad commentary of a man who just didn't care.

I did everything in my power to have a relationship with that man, he just didn't care.

Ok, now I've vented, I feel better!

MMkM

Yes, just venting helps a lot.

We all understand what we have gone through.

We know how difficult it is.

Guess venting with understanding people is a part of recovery as it certainly
helped me.