TheReader

I have been off opiates 6 months. In the past have also used Soma. I don't know why but I toyed with a website this week about ordering Soma and stupidly put in information, but did not think I ordered as I did not pay online. Guess what? They shipped and b/c my PO Box was listed, rerouted to my home a UPS COD order. I finally had to drive home from work in a flurry and come clean today with my spouse and 29 year old daughter,as he is retired and home all day and would receive the package while I was at work. I am back at work and he will be there, I assume when the pkg arrives and plans to refuse it/send back to sender. I hate to put him in that position, but what can I do?
Daughter happened to be there for another reason and I spilled my guts. I had not been honest with them for a few years about my use and thus did not want to share my recently recovery either. Big mistake! God knows what he is doing is all I can say. They thought I had been clean since 2003 when I got off major opiates (much more than I was doing in 2009 and 2010) - but my husband said he suspected use off and on due to various things. Interestingly, some of his examples of suspected use was when I was clean.
Question to those of you who open up? Do you feel they analyze you daily to see if you are telling the truth? I think that pressure is one reason we all try to do this alone. My husband was a long-term beer alcoholic who quit on his own about 5 years ago and does not embrace community supported recovery - so it is hard for him to understand. This was actually the hardest thing I have done in many years, really harder than quitting on Dec. 19th. Feedback is appreciated. You all have been so supportive these past few months and I respect your opinions.

Impurrfect

((Reader))) after my relapse, and I came back home, I felt like a teenager under constant watch. The first clue my family had that I'd relapsed is when I stopped answering the phone (I lived almost 2 hours away during the using time, so they didn't really know what to watch for).

So, I had BETTER answer my phone when they called, or call back as soon as I could and let them know why I didn't answer. I told them everywhere I was going, what I was doing (they didn't ask/demand this, I just felt I owed it to them). I was working a lot, and if not working, was at home.

My bills were being paid, which was a huge thing, as if I were doing crack, there would be no money. It took a while, but things finally relaxed. I will say, though, that I was raised that you told family where you were going (just a courtesy thing) or called if you were going to be really late.

Now, though they may worry if I come home from work 2-3 hours late, they know it's because I've decided to stay and work, and didn't want to call them and wake them up just to tell them that.

So, though the circumstances are a bit different, yeah, I did feel like I was being analyzed. I didn't come clean about my severe opiate abuse until way AFTER I got clean from crack. They had no clue.

Personally, I think that by coming clean about the soma, being honest with them, though they may be concerned, they will eventually realize you wanted to stay in recovery enough to risk their anger, distrust, etc. by being honest.

The big thing, I think, is what led you to even think about the somas again? I ask, because when I get that "OMG, I want to be numb", I have to find out what's going on inside of me, and how to handle it, right then, or it will just get worse. Sometimes it's just a blip..okay, thought about it, didn't do it, got my mind back on recovery, but other times it may be total relapse mode.

I will also say that I was told, here, that "anniversary" times often flare up those old using thoughts...3 months, 6 months, 9 months, etc. I was glad I knew about it before hand, as I was prepared for it when those times came up, and yes, the using thoughts DID seem to reappear on some of those milestones.

You didn't use - YAY!!!! You 'fessed up to your family - YAY!! Yes, you may have to spend some time being under the radar, getting "that look" when you know they're wondering.

I offered to take a drug test any time anyone asked me. They never did. My behavior on crack is totally opposite my normal life, so it's pretty obvious I'm not using. Since your family is now wondering "was she using when she did this?" it may take longer.

I know some people say that some secrets are best kept secret, but for me? I've found being honest has worked far better. I don't have that "dirty little secret" that may slip out by accident...saying the wrong year or something, in your case. It's all out in the open.

Hit recovery road hard, again, expect some awkwardness and/or anger from your family, but I truly believe, in time, that it will work out, as long you work your recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

FT

"Question to those of you who open up? Do you feel they analyze you daily to see if you are telling the truth?"

Reader:

My husband always notices ANYTHING I do that is out of the ordinary. He even notices how much coffee I drink. As with your husband, some of my past behaviors he had wondered about were when I wasn't using, but I wonder if I have occasionally displayed manic or other weird behavior in times I was prone to do so? I don't know.

I kind of appreciate the fact that he doesn't trust me right now, because it keeps me all the more vigilant of my own thoughts and behavior. If I were to fall again now, it would destroy a lot of trust that I have been carefully rebuilding with him.

I don't mind any of this. I can barely trust myself, so why should he? I'm just so glad that I am not the only one who wants to see me stay clean. That's why I am amazed at the good folks on here who get clean and stay clean under far worse conditions than I have had to endure.

I am SO glad you came on here and discussed this. You have been a source of strength for me on this forum, and I am counting on you. Not to put pressure on you, dear, but I have always considered you one of the "strong ones".

FT

TheReader

Thanks so much you two. I respect both of your opinions so much.
FT - I am hardly the strong one. I have fought this fight for years on and off. It has been a real roller coaster ride. I have a big lump in my throat as I type this and have not eaten a thing. This was a very strange day for me, but I genuinely feel this all happened for a reason - to make me come clean, no secrets anymore.
I may have mentioned this before, but I truly feel blessed in that I never got in trouble legally to-date, am in pretty good health, good job, OK finances and do have a good friend and family support system. I have received many near misses legally I am sure.
But believe me, I am the same as all addicts - struggling each day. Keeping that addict voice at bay seems to be the hardest thing to do. I don't know why I toyed with that website. I have been sleeping great, feeling good with exception of cramps/charley horse in my legs some at night. Mornings are still the worst time for me for some reason.
Amy - you know I have some issues recently with my daughter that are still pretty unresolved. I know it is an excuse, but that is about the only recent stressor I can identify.
Thanks for the info about family "knowing". Today is tough, but I am grateful the secret is out. Maybe I was meant to do this "ordering" for that reason.
You two are the best

TheReader

I forgot to mention that my spouse is very distrusting in general. He and his siblings all have various degrees of paranoia to para/schiz, most unmedicated. His is primarily paranoia. I am the opposite - overtrusting in nature, an enabler, fixer, try sooo hard to be perfect.
Of course, his first statement is: if you have been lying about this, what else are you lying about? I have been in this marriage 31 yrs and did go through a lot with his alcohol use. Actually, the last 5 yrs have been the best, but he is still very hard on people. I have read up on his personality and it is basically narcissistic. I think all of this contributed to my secret keeping. But mainly I am ashamed of doing this to my body, spending all the money I have spent and living a lie. How far outside your family and AA/NA do you all go with your honesty?

FT

I don't go public. Except here. Ha!

SteppingItUp

Initially, as I had hidden my addiction, I also hid my recovery from my family. I went back home to visit them to make direct amends. Among the things I did included getting honest with them -- my sponsor said, give them their intuition back, give them the truth. I did so, in the fashion that had been advised to me by my sponsor via fellowship literature and experience, prayed about and checked over in my heart. I tried to let my HP direct what I was to say to them, my concern being that I didn't want to hurt them. I came to believe that in this case not telling them my truth would hurt them more. They said that they basically had no idea I was an addict/alcoholic -- they knew there was something wrong, but they hadn't known what it was. And for all the fear and prayers I had mulled over in my sincere desire to set things right, do you know what they said? They were grateful. They thanked me, and I knew from the tears in their eyes that they meant it. They had the right to know -- I am their daughter, I love them and they love me. There was so much else that would never have made any sense to them had I not made the decision to include them in my real life.

I had moved to Europe at 22, and although we had always remained in contact and visited each other often enough, I had been lying about how I was really doing (mostly to myself, but definitely to them too). I manipulated my drinking/using to keep them in the dark to the best of my ability -- for certain stretches of time, I could keep making myself look picture-ready. The Facebook images of my life were idyllic -- a centuries old museum-like apartment, our own business, a designer dog and month-long beach vacations at the summer house overlooking the Mediterranean. On the phone, my usual tricks were turning the conversation to things about their life and telling them everything was fine in mine. With 4k miles between us, they bought it. I suppose, what choice did they have?

I had fooled the occasional observers, but not my addiction. The truth was that I had gone from an alcoholic socialite to a drug addicted isolator. In those last years, I wanted the whole world to leave me alone, and I did my very best to shut off my feelings, hide from reality, live out of my bed and use from before my feet hit the floor in the morning, through the whole day and well into the night, where I would take more drugs to sleep.

During my first 5th step, my sponsor had said, give your father his daughter back, give your mother her daughter back, give your sister her sister back -- stop punishing them for your resentments by withholding yourself. I had to forgive them before I made my amends, and I had also had to forgive myself. He had said I would not find peace in my life and serenity in my heart until I had set this right -- and he was right. I also have every reason to believe that making my amends through all of the places in my life where I have caused harm plays a significant role in my chances of surviving this disease.

Giving them the truth, without selfishness, pride or self-seeking on my part, without a word of criticism to them, has changed so much for the better for all of us. Among other things, it became the starting point for them to trust me -- but this is something that continues, because it's in action that they see it, not just through words. I have made them the promise to keep myself as an open book. I have done much more and said much more than all of this, but this has been a turning point and a new beginning for me and for them in so many ways that absolutely fill my heart. I have also been very surprised by all of this. I thought they were going to hate me for lying to them, that they would be angry at the shame I had brought to our family reputation because of this, and that I would be looked upon as the f-ck-up my self-piteous moments would tell me I had become. Instead, they have just loved me. They are supportive of my recovery, and I am...amazed.

We have come to a place in our relationship that is better than I could have imagined, truly -- and I am so grateful that I found the courage to be honest in the way I did. (I should also say I'm very grateful I've had help to light the way, especially on amends! One really doesn't want to have to make amends for an amend, if you know what I mean...there was also a lot that needed to happen for me to get to this point, including an understanding of what I was making amends for, why I had to do it, and developing the faith that I needed to make this happen).

Do what you need to for your recovery, no matter what anyone else has to say about it. Personally, I would take the Soma situation that made you get honest as a very lucky God-shot -- and I might consider putting some real consideration into the fact that it got that close. I believe when I keep doing what I've done, I'm going to keep getting what I've got. Addiction is notorious for addicts not being able to stay stopped -- it's part of what defines it, in fact. I know I've needed help in moving forward, and I still do. This is such a journey. I'm rooting for you! Best wishes in all things.

SIU