Words of wisdom for Me? (a codie mom)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
Words of wisdom for Me? (a codie mom)
Wondering if anyone here would be willing to share your expierences about your codependant parent. My husband is the A, trying to be in recovery but struggeling and sometimes just dry. If things do not change he may become my X. Can't stand what I have allowed this to do to the kids. I know better now and am trying to do better by them.
I am definately codependant. But I am working on me. I am in Alanon and starting my fourth step. Please don't flame me too bad. I was young and really didn't know better. I am learning.I know that there were (and porbably still are) a lot of things my codepandance has done to harm my children. I have recognized some of them, but I am sure there are things I have done and am doing that I can't even recognise. I want to be a good and healthy parent for my kids. 17 and 9. My 9 y old wants in Alateen, but the group I checked into wants him to be 12. 17 y old wants no part of Al-ateen, but knows it exhists. His choice.
Reading through this forum and hearing your storeis about having issues with the codie parent is frightening me. More issues with the codie parent than the A? WOW!OUCH!! Not what I want to be.
I heaped too much responsibility on my older child 17. I had him help too much around the house cleaning, mowing, babysitting his brother. It made him miss out on being a kid sometimes. I have stopped this. Now 17y old says we / I have achieved a healthy balance here now.
I have been over controling with my 17 y old. He is a good smart kid. He has been making good decisions for his life dispite his disfunctional family. I need to learn the difference between: guiding him as he chooses a college and career and forcing or guilting him into doing what I feel is best for him.
I would have a bad day if my A had a bad day. I would sometimes have a good day if my A had a good day. Although I did not realize it at the time, when I had a bad day I was short and crabby with my kids or depressed an not as emotinaly available as i should have been.And codie me's mood was sometime still really shi%%Y and crabby even if A was having a good day, as I was still mad at A and therfore crabby. How confusing this must have been for them. Never knowing what to expect out of dad and never knowing what kind of mood mom was going to be in. The guilt I have about this... My kids learned from me that our mood mirrored the A's mood. 17 y old never really went along with this, but still had to deal with crabby mom and this made him mad, rightfully so. 9 y old had learned reallly well that we had a bad day if A did. Over the past year and a half I have made great progress of not allowing my mood to have anything to do with A's. And thank GOD my 9 y old has taken the same attitude. Our lives have been much happier since I figured out how to detatch (most of the time) and helped my kids with it too. It's not perfect but we are getting better every day.
When I was worried about A I was so preoccupied with him and his problem that I was not emotionally there for the kids. I was still doing dishes and helping with homeowrk and taking them to their after school activities, but I was preoccupied with the A and on auto pilot. I really felt like I had some control or power over A's problem, I'd laugh at myself now if that wasn't so sad. Now A's problem has been placed back in his hands where it always belonged.
I taught my kids to walk on egg shells around A. And it wasn't because A was trying to get us to walk on egg shells. It was my fear of him waking up from being passed out, or my fear of us being too loud or making him mad and making him drink, or this fear. or that fear.... Now I know that nothing I/we did made him drink and nothing we do/did made him finally stop. I am quite sure that my behavior contributed to the fact that my 9 year old used to feel like he had the power to make dad drink or not, and feel like it was partly his fault. He still struggles with this thinking sometimes.
I used to have the kids lie to grandma and grandpa and aunt and everyone about dad's drinking. I was so worried about what my family would think I didn't dare tell them. This made my kids feel terrible (it's so bad you can tell nanny and pop). What that must have done to them. But for the last two years it has been openly and honestly discussed. My children feel safe discussing the "family secret" that is no more, with my normal non-A ,non codie parents and aunt. They talk to our trusted neighbors and my youngest talks to the school counsler. His teacher last year came from an alcholic family and she understood him and he really trusted her.He told her he wished she would be his teacher all throught school and she told him to come to her anytime, even when she is not her teacher.
My 17 y old talks with his friends about it. My 9 y old does not talk to his friends about it because he says they would not understand and he feels different from them. and that's why he so badly wants to be in Al-ateen, he wants to talk to other kids who will understand. Not sure what to do about that.
And I don't have enough time to beging to tell what controling behivior my kids have been subject to or wittnessed by me.
I am postive I am just scratching the surface here concerning what I have taught or done to my children.
Things are better but it ain't no bed of roses. Just the other day I caught myself getting agitated that my husband choose to not go to a meeting that I felt he should have gone to. But I caught myslef and stopped before my toxic thinking and emotions took control of me and rubbed off on the kids. Progress, right?
So anything you can share that may help me be a better mom to my kids. I don't wanna screw them up any more that I already have. They deserve better.
Thanks
I am definately codependant. But I am working on me. I am in Alanon and starting my fourth step. Please don't flame me too bad. I was young and really didn't know better. I am learning.I know that there were (and porbably still are) a lot of things my codepandance has done to harm my children. I have recognized some of them, but I am sure there are things I have done and am doing that I can't even recognise. I want to be a good and healthy parent for my kids. 17 and 9. My 9 y old wants in Alateen, but the group I checked into wants him to be 12. 17 y old wants no part of Al-ateen, but knows it exhists. His choice.
Reading through this forum and hearing your storeis about having issues with the codie parent is frightening me. More issues with the codie parent than the A? WOW!OUCH!! Not what I want to be.
I heaped too much responsibility on my older child 17. I had him help too much around the house cleaning, mowing, babysitting his brother. It made him miss out on being a kid sometimes. I have stopped this. Now 17y old says we / I have achieved a healthy balance here now.
I have been over controling with my 17 y old. He is a good smart kid. He has been making good decisions for his life dispite his disfunctional family. I need to learn the difference between: guiding him as he chooses a college and career and forcing or guilting him into doing what I feel is best for him.
I would have a bad day if my A had a bad day. I would sometimes have a good day if my A had a good day. Although I did not realize it at the time, when I had a bad day I was short and crabby with my kids or depressed an not as emotinaly available as i should have been.And codie me's mood was sometime still really shi%%Y and crabby even if A was having a good day, as I was still mad at A and therfore crabby. How confusing this must have been for them. Never knowing what to expect out of dad and never knowing what kind of mood mom was going to be in. The guilt I have about this... My kids learned from me that our mood mirrored the A's mood. 17 y old never really went along with this, but still had to deal with crabby mom and this made him mad, rightfully so. 9 y old had learned reallly well that we had a bad day if A did. Over the past year and a half I have made great progress of not allowing my mood to have anything to do with A's. And thank GOD my 9 y old has taken the same attitude. Our lives have been much happier since I figured out how to detatch (most of the time) and helped my kids with it too. It's not perfect but we are getting better every day.
When I was worried about A I was so preoccupied with him and his problem that I was not emotionally there for the kids. I was still doing dishes and helping with homeowrk and taking them to their after school activities, but I was preoccupied with the A and on auto pilot. I really felt like I had some control or power over A's problem, I'd laugh at myself now if that wasn't so sad. Now A's problem has been placed back in his hands where it always belonged.
I taught my kids to walk on egg shells around A. And it wasn't because A was trying to get us to walk on egg shells. It was my fear of him waking up from being passed out, or my fear of us being too loud or making him mad and making him drink, or this fear. or that fear.... Now I know that nothing I/we did made him drink and nothing we do/did made him finally stop. I am quite sure that my behavior contributed to the fact that my 9 year old used to feel like he had the power to make dad drink or not, and feel like it was partly his fault. He still struggles with this thinking sometimes.
I used to have the kids lie to grandma and grandpa and aunt and everyone about dad's drinking. I was so worried about what my family would think I didn't dare tell them. This made my kids feel terrible (it's so bad you can tell nanny and pop). What that must have done to them. But for the last two years it has been openly and honestly discussed. My children feel safe discussing the "family secret" that is no more, with my normal non-A ,non codie parents and aunt. They talk to our trusted neighbors and my youngest talks to the school counsler. His teacher last year came from an alcholic family and she understood him and he really trusted her.He told her he wished she would be his teacher all throught school and she told him to come to her anytime, even when she is not her teacher.
My 17 y old talks with his friends about it. My 9 y old does not talk to his friends about it because he says they would not understand and he feels different from them. and that's why he so badly wants to be in Al-ateen, he wants to talk to other kids who will understand. Not sure what to do about that.
And I don't have enough time to beging to tell what controling behivior my kids have been subject to or wittnessed by me.
I am postive I am just scratching the surface here concerning what I have taught or done to my children.
Things are better but it ain't no bed of roses. Just the other day I caught myself getting agitated that my husband choose to not go to a meeting that I felt he should have gone to. But I caught myslef and stopped before my toxic thinking and emotions took control of me and rubbed off on the kids. Progress, right?
So anything you can share that may help me be a better mom to my kids. I don't wanna screw them up any more that I already have. They deserve better.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I think I will always have a certain amount of guilt over my poor parenting skills before I found recovery. The best I can be for my kids (now grown) is to work the program of Alanon in all areas of my life to the best of my ability.
My youngest was 11 when I started my recovery, and I can see where she has picked up bits and pieces of the program. She trusts me, and comes to me when she needs to talk, which is worth its weight in gold.
The fact that you have so much awareness in this area, and where you have fallen short is tremendous growth, and I hope you give yourself credit for that, okay?!
My youngest was 11 when I started my recovery, and I can see where she has picked up bits and pieces of the program. She trusts me, and comes to me when she needs to talk, which is worth its weight in gold.
The fact that you have so much awareness in this area, and where you have fallen short is tremendous growth, and I hope you give yourself credit for that, okay?!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Hi,
I am glad that you are posting. I also pleased that you are allowing your son, to be a teenager and no longer making him assume a parental role. That was my history, my mother was a codpendent alcoholic. I was forced to be the adult, my brother is 11 years younger than me, and, I basically raised him. My mother was too busy drinking and chasing men, she was and is codependent on men, they are her second priorty, with alcohol being the first.
She always chose drunks who were abusive, she looks at a man as her measure of self esteem, and, with that her children have never been her priorty. Do I believe that she does that with intent, malice and forethought? No, she just doesn't know any better.
When I was a child, there really were no programs to help parents, parents were mostly repeating the actions of their parents, so history kept repeating itself. Today, we have tools available to us to do better, to change our parenting skills, in essance, to do a better job.
Keep going to your meetings, read Codependent No More, keep reading posts here, the family and friends section is very enlightening, give it a read.
The key is that you are aware of your behavior and willing to make a change.
I am glad that you are posting. I also pleased that you are allowing your son, to be a teenager and no longer making him assume a parental role. That was my history, my mother was a codpendent alcoholic. I was forced to be the adult, my brother is 11 years younger than me, and, I basically raised him. My mother was too busy drinking and chasing men, she was and is codependent on men, they are her second priorty, with alcohol being the first.
She always chose drunks who were abusive, she looks at a man as her measure of self esteem, and, with that her children have never been her priorty. Do I believe that she does that with intent, malice and forethought? No, she just doesn't know any better.
When I was a child, there really were no programs to help parents, parents were mostly repeating the actions of their parents, so history kept repeating itself. Today, we have tools available to us to do better, to change our parenting skills, in essance, to do a better job.
Keep going to your meetings, read Codependent No More, keep reading posts here, the family and friends section is very enlightening, give it a read.
The key is that you are aware of your behavior and willing to make a change.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
In some ways, I would say my mother (the codie) is worse than my AF, and yet, I know that he is the ultimate source of the problems. Even so, when I look back over the years, there was a key point when I was 16, when he went into a rage, beat her up, ripped the phone out of the wall when she tried to call the police, and chased me (middle of the night, I was barefoot) through the snow with her screaming at me to go to the neighbors to call the police. He ended up spending a night in jail for that and having a restraining order against him for a week or two.
That was the turning point, where, if my mother had chosen differently, I think my life now, in my 40's, would be different, and that of all my siblings, too, including the one who was 18 at the time.
My mother chose to take him back. She tried counseling for awhile and seemed happier but ultimately quit. I think I might even say she went deeper into co-dependency. AF took the attitude that I caused their marital problems and was the cause of him looking bad to the neighbors, and I don't remember her ever standing up for me after that (the fight that night was actually because she stood up for me, so he hit her).
Today, she continues to say negative and untrue things about me, and when a relative of my husband's was absolutely horrible to me, told me it was my fault and I deserved it (I absolutely did not, I had not done a thing to her.) My mother is now 70 and as far as I can tell, very unhappy, complains endlessly, plays favorites with her daughters and grandchildren, and I will no longer associate with either of my parents because of their negativity toward me. So my sisters don't speak to me. The way you're describing yourself with the bad days...she was like that then and she's still like that now. She is full of bitterness and resentment, even outright hatred, I think.
Anyway...I believe if she had finally, ultimately stood up for herself after years of abuse, if she'd kicked him out and filed for divorce, gotten a job, she would have gained a great deal of self respect that she never had and still doesn't have. She would have gained confidence and self worth. She would have pulled herself out of the alcoholic family disease and maybe been able to see some good in me instead of going along with all the ugly stuff my dad said and agreeing to blame me for so much.
I believe all of us would be much happier, and I guess we can never know for sure, but I do believe that 25 years later, much of what happened then would have much less of an impact on us today, had she gotten serious about changing then and there.
What you're doing today makes all the difference in the world. It may not be apparent now, but stay the course. You can't change the past, but you can definitely change the future that you were otherwise heading toward.
That was the turning point, where, if my mother had chosen differently, I think my life now, in my 40's, would be different, and that of all my siblings, too, including the one who was 18 at the time.
My mother chose to take him back. She tried counseling for awhile and seemed happier but ultimately quit. I think I might even say she went deeper into co-dependency. AF took the attitude that I caused their marital problems and was the cause of him looking bad to the neighbors, and I don't remember her ever standing up for me after that (the fight that night was actually because she stood up for me, so he hit her).
Today, she continues to say negative and untrue things about me, and when a relative of my husband's was absolutely horrible to me, told me it was my fault and I deserved it (I absolutely did not, I had not done a thing to her.) My mother is now 70 and as far as I can tell, very unhappy, complains endlessly, plays favorites with her daughters and grandchildren, and I will no longer associate with either of my parents because of their negativity toward me. So my sisters don't speak to me. The way you're describing yourself with the bad days...she was like that then and she's still like that now. She is full of bitterness and resentment, even outright hatred, I think.
Anyway...I believe if she had finally, ultimately stood up for herself after years of abuse, if she'd kicked him out and filed for divorce, gotten a job, she would have gained a great deal of self respect that she never had and still doesn't have. She would have gained confidence and self worth. She would have pulled herself out of the alcoholic family disease and maybe been able to see some good in me instead of going along with all the ugly stuff my dad said and agreeing to blame me for so much.
I believe all of us would be much happier, and I guess we can never know for sure, but I do believe that 25 years later, much of what happened then would have much less of an impact on us today, had she gotten serious about changing then and there.
What you're doing today makes all the difference in the world. It may not be apparent now, but stay the course. You can't change the past, but you can definitely change the future that you were otherwise heading toward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Just wanted to say that I could really relate to your post.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and didn't realize until I was an adult how both my father AND my mother contributed to the dysfunction in our family.
Even though I didn't marry an alcoholic, I was able to see my own dysfunctional tendencies (ACA traits) when I started raising my children. That was actually what sort of pushed me into recovery - seeing the generational competent of alcoholism/dysfunctional families and wanting so badly for it to stop with me.
I'm working my program, confronting my past, and trying to be the best mom that I can. I make a lot of mistakes, but I try to make amends when this happens. My kids are currently 8 and 11. I'm doing the best that I can with what I got right now.
I remember when I first started my recovery, I didn't think my ACA traits were that bad. I would laugh off how controlling I was or joke about how I was always giving advice and trying to save people. I then started realizing how degrading that was to the people I was controlling, advising, and rescuing. I thought about how angry I get at my mother when she tells me how I'm feeling or what I should be doing.
That step of realizing how damaging codependent behavior can be to others was a turning point in my own recovery.
Sending you strength from one mom to another :-)
Hugs,
db
I grew up with an alcoholic father and didn't realize until I was an adult how both my father AND my mother contributed to the dysfunction in our family.
Even though I didn't marry an alcoholic, I was able to see my own dysfunctional tendencies (ACA traits) when I started raising my children. That was actually what sort of pushed me into recovery - seeing the generational competent of alcoholism/dysfunctional families and wanting so badly for it to stop with me.
I'm working my program, confronting my past, and trying to be the best mom that I can. I make a lot of mistakes, but I try to make amends when this happens. My kids are currently 8 and 11. I'm doing the best that I can with what I got right now.
I remember when I first started my recovery, I didn't think my ACA traits were that bad. I would laugh off how controlling I was or joke about how I was always giving advice and trying to save people. I then started realizing how degrading that was to the people I was controlling, advising, and rescuing. I thought about how angry I get at my mother when she tells me how I'm feeling or what I should be doing.
That step of realizing how damaging codependent behavior can be to others was a turning point in my own recovery.
Sending you strength from one mom to another :-)
Hugs,
db
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
Hi Amanda:
I am a widowed mother of 4 adult children, all living in dysfunction.
There father was the addicted, but I was oh so addicted to getting him to stop.
I can relate that I was there for them physically, but not emotionally. There was nothing left inside of me to give to them...all energy went into controlling the uncontrollable. Couldn't see it then, but I see the results of my codie behavior and slowly learning to forgive myself.
I think the best thing for all of us codie parents to do is work on ourselves, which speaks louder than any words.
The other thing is to allow them their feelings, but not destructive behavior. I tried for so long not to show them I was scared after their father died (3 were still teenagers), thinking I was instilling an example of strength and "the show must go on".
I've just started telling my ACs that I'm sorry that I was not there for them emotionally and what the problem is....my ACOA issues, which I am working on. I'm hoping that in revealing that part to them, they can feel free to explore there own ACOA issues. It's just hard to stop the "mommie" part of me that still doesn't want any of them to hurt.
Huggs
I am a widowed mother of 4 adult children, all living in dysfunction.
There father was the addicted, but I was oh so addicted to getting him to stop.
I can relate that I was there for them physically, but not emotionally. There was nothing left inside of me to give to them...all energy went into controlling the uncontrollable. Couldn't see it then, but I see the results of my codie behavior and slowly learning to forgive myself.
I think the best thing for all of us codie parents to do is work on ourselves, which speaks louder than any words.
The other thing is to allow them their feelings, but not destructive behavior. I tried for so long not to show them I was scared after their father died (3 were still teenagers), thinking I was instilling an example of strength and "the show must go on".
I've just started telling my ACs that I'm sorry that I was not there for them emotionally and what the problem is....my ACOA issues, which I am working on. I'm hoping that in revealing that part to them, they can feel free to explore there own ACOA issues. It's just hard to stop the "mommie" part of me that still doesn't want any of them to hurt.
Huggs
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
