musicphantom

I hate to be that guy that joins a forum to ask for advice without making any other posts, so I apologize in advance but I would greatly appreciate some advice/help in this situation.

So my story... I started smoking weed when I was 13, which led on to worse things. At first it was psychedelics and a few pills, which led to more drugs, and I started to take more and more pills before I discovered heroin. I spent 3 and a half years from 16 to 19 shooting up before losing my fiance in January 2009 to a suicidal overdose, at which point I quit cold turkey with only support from my best friend quitting with me. It was hard, but what happened was enough to keep me clean for the first few months and by then I was getting things figured out. I joined the Navy to get away from everything about a month after that, and left for boot camp in January 2010. Now I've been in for a year and a half, and things have really been going well. Of course I still had cravings, badly at times, but I was keeping it under control relatively easily. Until now.

This past week I lost my grandpa, which sucks but I was handling fine. Then Chris, a good friend of mine, was killed in a car accident Thursday. He had his life straightened out as well and just graduated from UMD. This, combined with some very serious and stressful medical issues my best friend has been going through and stress at work, is taking me back to a dark place and I'm back to remembering how much easier it would be to just use again. The cravings are back so much worse than they have been in a very long time, even after two and a half years of being clean. I know it would ruin my life, particularly since I'm now in the navy, but I'm beginning to just not care. I'm doing everything in my power to fight this but I'm not sure how long I can hold on. I ****** up once already and found a number for a connection about an hour away from me and I deleted it but now I know it's there. And that just makes it so much harder. I can't even sleep, all the anxiety and tension and depression and stress of first quitting is back just as badly, and I don't know what to do. I don't think I can go to NA, I have no car and I haven't disclosed my past drug history to the military. Basically, I apologize for the long post, but does anyone have any advice on how they get through tough times like this?

billsaintjames

Hi musicphantom. First, thank you for serving our country in the military. Our soldiers don't get nearly the credit or respect they deserve, and I am grateful for you and others who are putting your lives on the line.

I am very sorry to hear about your losses. Those deaths sound incredibly painful. We both know, of course, that using would only be a temporary solution to ease the pain. In fact, it is 100% guaranteed that using will only complicate matters. So for now, just take a deep breath and take a good, hard look at the sober time you have. Think about how thankful you are for the hard work you have put in to be successful with that sobriety.

This forum is an amazing place to learn about addiction. I was surprised at how much I have in common with other addicts. And please, don't feel bad about posting anything too long or whatever. For what it's worth, there are much longer and grammatically inferior posts than yours (and those are welcome too).

northbelle

No great advice how to get through..Pretty much one hour at a time...and know that you are not alone...Not being able to talk about what is really going on is not helpful at all and I have found myself in the same situation. Can you find one person you can talk to and be honest with that could support you ? It is good that you can come here and be honest about whats going on ! So you already got one thing doing for you!
Sorry about all the stuff you have went through..and are still going through no doubt..It is so incredibly hard to white knuckle it through your cravings...I can't do it alone some days and I have to really dig deep for support and be willing to help other people...that is key for me...getting out of myself...
I just want ya to know that you are so NOT alone...glad you are here..
love norty

musicphantom

I have my best friend to talk to like I mentioned earlier, but she's across the country back home and she hasn't been able to talk too much recently. And I had a very good friend here that actually went through the same thing, about 3 years of addiction before joining the navy, but he just left on Friday. I guess I'll have to open up to someone that's never been there before, it's just hard here because I try to keep my past life separate from the military side. Plus, someone that doesn't know can't really understand, from what I've discovered so far. And right now it's not working out. I already ****** up by finding my DOC nearby, probably the dumbest thing I could do, just makes it that much harder.

I appreciate the responses, thanks for the advice. I think I might stick around here, I've been reading through some forums and it seems like people here are very helpful and friendly, and it's somewhere I can actually talk to a group of people that understand what I'm going through. Thanks again.

SteppingItUp

Hi Musicphantom,

Although I ran the gamut from alcohol to pot, pills and other drugs, my final DOC became heroin, which I smoked for the last 6 years of my addiction. It’s pretty exceptional that you’ve gone 2 ½ years without using or a formal program -- most of us don't make it that far on our own. I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting, but I'm grateful you're reaching out for help.

One of the greatest gifts I was ever given was a "killer-dose of alcoholism/addiction" -- that is, a diagnosis from other addicts that if I didn't take my condition with all of the seriousness it deserves, becoming willing to go to any lengths to recover, I would surely die from this disease.

Of course, up until that point I had been convinced to a man that it wasn't that bad, that I was too smart to need help, and that I could handle it on my own. I have come to believe that for the addict, this disease is very real, that it goes far beyond drugs -- (although drugs will kill us) -- and that it requires lifelong day to day treatment, whether I want that to be the case or not. I say that I am grateful because of the gifts I have received as a result of recovery, but I am also grateful that I have listened because of the devastation I have seen to those who didn't get or accept the same message. I am thinking of the many, many addicts/alcoholics I have seen, including on this site, who insist that they've got it under control, who think the drugs were the real problem, who suffer from terminal uniqueness, who are “too smart” for a program or "too smart" for the “God-word.” What I have seen is that for too many of these addicts and alcoholics, at some point when life gets real, they find themselves back drinking or using other drugs and hurting worse than ever (now with all the problems that hadn’t happened to them yet), or they learn the painful and unhappy existence of dry-drunks and white-knuckling it, or they can’t figure out why they still feel so bad and become convinced that they must be suffering from something they decide to be totally unrelated like depression or anxiety (although untreated addiction/alcoholism can sure look like both and more) and seek doctors for years of prescription drugs while staying in a mental purgatory, or they take their own lives because they can’t take it any longer. That’s not an idea, a theory or a philosophy -- that’s reality.

Why do I still need treatment, even though I’m clean/sober? Alcoholism is progressive -- drunk or sober; addiction is a progressive, clean or using. There are a couple of things that categorize me as an addict – one is that I have an abnormal reaction to drugs when I put them in my body, and the second component to the disease is a mental obsession, which is what makes staying stopped such a problem.

In my experience, and much to my initial disbelief, the treatment that has actually worked for me is spiritual. I’ve chosen to accept help through the 12 steps. I’ve had all kinds of really difficult things happen since getting clean, but I have been relieved of the mental obsession which has not put using on the mental list for “ways to make it better.” I have no desire to use – none. It’s said that we are each other’s eyes and ears, and I’ll tell you that reading what you wrote about, “remembering how much easier it would be to just use again” absolutely looks like the deluded thinking of this disease (that speaks to us in our own voice, so we think it’s ours when it isn’t). Using will never make life better for an addict, not ever -- I'm not sure if you really want to try to be the first if you consider what it means to fail.

It sounds like you’ve been trying to do it your way for quite awhile, and although I think it’s great that you’ve made it this far, maybe it’s time to look at the mental obsession that’s breathing behind your ear and ask yourself if you’re really willing to keep doing it your way when there is true freedom from addiction. You are free to disagree, or to ignore me or to do as you choose – perhaps the answers for you lie in your heart. What do I do? Steps, meetings, fellowship, service, sponsorship (both being sponsored and sponsoring others) – but a meeting might be a very good place to start. Just know that you’re not alone, that there are so many people out there who want to help you if you want help, and that I’m rooting for you. Really big hugs.

musicphantom

Horrible relapse. I don't know what the **** is wrong with me but it took just two days to be back where I was. I've ****** up every day since Tuesday and am feeling like a huge failure, sometimes like I'm not good enough for this job anyway, so having a hard time finding the motivation to try to stay clean. I don't really have the option of NA or anything like that, because it's a mandatory discharge if you ask for help with a drug problem. And I'm too scared to talk to anyone about it because I really don't know who I can trust enough and can't have them telling anyone else. All in all it's going pretty badly right now.

billsaintjames

For me, it was necessary to fail (lots of times) in order to learn more about my addiction. There are many, many positives that come from failures, as long as you put forth the effort to learn from them.

Keep posting here. So you can't go to NA, and you haven't found anyone yet to personally speak with this about. Those are both things that you can absolutely do in the future, but they are out of your control right now. You can post here though. There is a lot to learn, and a lot of support. Take care buddy.

SteppingItUp

Musicphantom, I am so sorry you're hurting, but I am so grateful you are reaching out.

If you're falling back into active addiction -- and since it looks like you were also really struggling before you used -- if my experience is worth anything, you need help. Untreated, this is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better.

I truly believe I have to place my recovery above everything -- without it, everything else is at risk: life, health, career, relationships, family, finances, home -- everything.

I heard a doctor/addictionologist say that the prognosis for an addict is worse than it is for certain types of cancer, like lymphoma. If you just found out you had cancer, what would you do about it? The average person would pull the brakes on the rest of their lives and get the treatment they need now without question. It's only the addict/alcoholic that can turn around on their life or death disease and say I know my pants are on fire, but it's not that bad yet and I'm busy...

I used to do online meetings (in addition to my regular meetings) with a (clean) addict in the military who was based in the middle east. He went to AA in a tent, I believe on the military base, and chaired NA meetings over the internet. I've never been in the military and know nothing about the rest of your life, but you might want to consider looking at things a bit differently. Perhaps you can see if there's a number you can call or someone you can speak with in confidence to find out what your options are. I believe you are more important than your job -- and anyway, how long do you expect to keep going in your position if you're using? Follow your heart.

Know that you're not alone, and there is all the help you need if you decide to go to any lengths to take it. At the very least, you have a community that loves you here.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Enormous hugs to you.

SIU

musicphantom

Thanks to both of you for your thoughts. It's nice to hear kinds words from someone that understands. Luckily going on deployment will basically be forced rehab for the better part of a year, so I just need to hang on for another month here. Till then, I'm not making this by myself and I've come to terms with that, so I think my only option is to find a friend or someone I work with that I might be able to talk to about it. And post on here, it's crazy to find people that actually care. Till next time, thanks for the kind words to both of you.

MySecretLove

MP. I know someone who is in the Army going through the same thing. He recently had to talk to his NCO who referred him to someone. He is doing a program and was not given a article 15 because he sought help. You wouldn't believe how many others are in your shoes serving in our armed forces. From alcohol to hard drugs. If you ever need to talk please PM me. I am going thru my own stuff/detox but I can be a friend and someone to talk to. I know all too well how lonely one feels in your position.