WillowWeeping

Hi everyone. I've been lurking for a little while and am ready to share my situation and plans. Any advice or info is greatly appreciated. And I'll apologize ahead of time for my wordiness and what will surely be a long post...I have a bad habit of using 10 words when 5 would do.

Until 2007 I was working as a nurse and not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was fairly judgmental of my friends who would use opiates for what I thought were ridiculous reasons like a headache. In my mind, those meds were reserved for cancer, terminally ill or trauma patients. I'd had procedures like my wisdom teeth out, car accidents, babies, fibromyalgia, arthritis and even cancer and relied on ibuprofen only.

Guess you could say that karma came back and got me. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 at age 32 and went through chemo and radiation. Thankfully that put me in remission, where I hope I remain. I did have a lot of complications and long lasting problems. I had aggressive lymphoma which is a blood/immune system cancer and is inoperable because the tumors are soft instead of solid. Mine was in my chest compressing my heart, it had destroyed the major veins in my chest and neck. I have scar tissue in the area now, a heart issue, and the damage is permanent. I've been disabled since then.

I also have a history of generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks starting as a teen and major depression diagnosed during my cancer treatments. I take Xanax and Effexor XR for that, started in 2007. Honestly, other than sleep I don't have to take the Xanax or another benzo, but I do try to always take them before I go out. If I don't I sometimes have panic attacks. But for sleep, I'd say I'm pretty dependent on them.

I started taking Vicodin in the spring of 2008. This was a mix of physical pain and emotional pain. I lost a pregnancy because of a CT scan cancer check up. They did do a pregnancy test prior which came back negative but I really was pregnant and the radiation caused the pregnancy to be lost. That was pretty much the last thing I could tolerate.

The Vicodin quickly stopped working, I was switched to Percocet and then when I needed more and more of that I was switched to Oxycodone 15mg (immediate release) to avoid too much Tylenol. I really don't remember ever having a "high" from the meds, maybe just a little rest from the constant pains and bad thoughts. That benefit didn't last long. I also seem to have a bit of energy after I take them, I have pretty bad fatigue from the cancer treatments.

I had to have my Oxycodone increased and have been on the same script for about 2 years, I'm "allowed" 45mg in the morning, then 30mg every 2 hours as needed-it equals 13 pills a day with a total of 360 pills a month. I have included this because I stopped following those recommendations pretty quickly as my body adjusted. I would run out a week early consistently, after several months of that my doctor noticed and mentioned it. I became paranoid to ask for more for fear he'd stop prescribing the pills but I continue to use more than I get. That last week is a stressful time, but I've always been able to find something somewhere to get me through without withdrawals.

My husband is also a nurse for hospice and he was the first to notice the problem. I was in denial, or maybe just pretended to be and he has enabled my habit. The times that I would start having withdrawal symptoms-the hot/cold sweats and goose bumps and crawling skin, can't sit still, etc. He was the one who figured out that it was withdrawal-so I've known that for awhile. I try to not go that long without my meds. Usually it happens when I sleep too long. Once I'm able to get to sleep, I sleep a long time 12 or more hours. I don't take the Oxy before bed, since it gives me the energy boost-I feel like taking it before I go to sleep a waste.

I have become a completely different person since taking opiates. At first I blamed it on the long lasting effects of chemo and radiation and I'm sure that has something to do with it. But I now admit the pills do cause problems. I rarely leave the house. I've stopped talking/visiting with friends, family except for holidays. I'm so unmotivated and tired that even a shower is too much effort. Our house became a disaster zone until just recently, and that was my husband's effort because we are going to be moving. I have so much laundry for my kids, it's often easier to buy new online. Well it was until I ran out of money. I also did a lot of online shopping for things we didn't need-I'd get a boost of happiness when I'd order something but lose interest when the box would arrive...so many I've never even opened. I sleep, and eat once a day. I spend my whole awake time sitting on my back porch chain smoking. Usually I'm online, but lately that's gotten dull. I have so many things I want to do but I never do them and every day I promise that the next day I'll do laundry or housework or go to the store. The next day comes and I just have no energy (can't tell if it's again from my treatments or the pills). I don't even open my mail and have missed so many things, I've actually let my prescription coverage lapse. I misunderstood the payment schedule thinking it was quarterly instead of monthly, I would have known if I'd opened the letters.

Physically I'm also a mess. It's hard to tell if it's medical issues or opiate issues. Fatigue. Insomnia but then very deep sleep. Major weight gain of 70 pounds. Fluid retention and edema all over. Constipation and urine retention or the sudden urge to go to the urinate where I hardly make it to the bathroom in time. Sweating profusely. Short of breath. High heart rate. Pain of all kinds-muscles, joints, burning skin that is sensitive to touch. Muscle jerking. Depression and anxiety. Apathy. Forgetfulness and even complete memory loss. Cognitive fog. Blurry vision. Migraines.

The reason I've finally decided that my life needs to change started a couple weeks ago. I went to my parents for my dad's birthday and apparently during dinner my mom noticed my eyes were strange and that I was very lethargic and barely able to lift the fork. She did ask me at the time if my eyes were bothering me, and I told her they were. It was hard to focus, I kept rubbing them. I didn't realize any of the other things she noticed. I think this went away after dinner, we spent a lot of time looking around our new house (it's right across the street from them). A few days after that my dad sent an email with the concerns and I was so upset, embarrassed and also panicked. My doctor is my dad's best friend. And the way my dad is, I feared he'd go barging in to the doctor and insist he stop prescribing the pain pills. My parents don't understand withdrawal, though my mom is a nurse. She also believes that the doctor over prescribes to my dad (he has terrible back problems and pain, and will be having a spinal fusion soon).

I denied all of this to my parents. I admitted it to my husband and we've been learning about treatment options. He has me keeping a log of how often and how much I take the Oxy. The first week I was between 120mg and 330mg of the immediate release. I tried to cut back and the second week I averaged a 60mg decrease. He doesn't think that I would live through the withdrawals of quitting due to my health issues and his first option of choice is the rapid detox. We can't afford that. So we are thinking about trying the Suboxone. I'd like to hear anyone's experiences with it.

My mom brought it up again today to my husband so I called my dad and decided to tell him. Since he takes Vicodin and has for a long time I figured he'd sort of understand better. I have such a fear of not being able to get my pills, and if my dad didn't understand about the withdrawal...again I could imagine him telling my doctor to not prescribe anymore. I asked him to let me talk to the doctor when I see him at the end of the month. So that went ok. My dad is a "do it now" sort of person and he wants me to get started right away on the Suboxone. I tried explaining how it worked to him and he didn't understand how I could still take my pain pills if the opiate receptors were blocked. I had to explain that I couldn't take them anymore and would have to rely on non-narcotics. So at least he does understand that I have pain. He doesn't know about the pregnancy though.

So, that is where I'm at. I sort of have a plan, if I can find a doctor to prescribe the Suboxone and if I can afford it. Everyone knows and that is relieving slightly, moreso I feel guilty, sad, depressed, anxious and scared. I'm so angry at myself for getting into this mess, for all the damage I've caused and being a prisoner to opiates. I never, ever dreamed that this would be me. I really don't know what to do in the meantime. I hate every time I take the pills, but I can't not take them. Not only because of the withdrawal but the cravings. I slept too long last night/today and woke up with the cold/hot sweats and chills and squirming. Guess it's a reminder of the mess and confirming my fears.

Thanks everyone for reading this. Again, I'm sorry for the long windedness, now that the story is told, I hope that I won't have to go on and on like this again. Please feel free to share any thoughts or advice you have. For all of you who have gotten out of this prison and who are working hard on getting out, I am so amazed at your strength. There have been several times the past two weeks that reading here has stopped the cravings for a little bit.

FT

Hi Willow:

I guess my first question is the hardest one, for me anyway. How is your cancer remission going? What is your prognosis? I guess the main reason I ask is to find out how likely it is that you will continue to need the high doses of pain medication. My first thought is to congratulate you on your remission and the hard won battle. I know that some lymphomas have a good survival rate. My hopes and prayers are that yours is one of those. Four years in remission is good.

No one could ever fault you for where you went with the opiates. God no. I can see myself going straight there with bells on.

What has happened is you have experienced the worst that oxycodone has to offer. The weight gain, the bloating (certainly some from your medical issues, but oxycodone does some of that), constipation, urinary retention, urgency, cognitive stuff, skin symptoms, withdrawal symptoms when you next dose is delayed, and more.

Yeah, oxycodone, for all the wonderful properties it has early in its use, turns on you later on.

I do think you will lead a much happier existence off the oxycodone, once you can accomplish that. It is going to be hard, though, and in your case I hope your doc will know how to help you. Sometimes the guys that prescribe for pain don't always know how to handle the recovery from the addiction that sometimes comes with it. You may need a physiatrist or other pain specialist, but one who also specializes in addiction and withdrawal. I got addicted after orthopedic surgery, and at the end I had a doctor who tried to help me withdraw. But I cheated without telling him, and at the end I had to go pretty much cold turkey. I thought about subox, but I didn't want to get chained to another pill, another doc. But for you, with your medical history and doses, I can't imagine your even THINKING about doing it yourself.

Some of the docs where I live do pain patches combined with a dosing down schedule, and finish with subox. Other places strictly do the subox. In Florida, you probably have lots of options. I've heard of the rapid detox, and I thought about that too, but I couldn't afford it. After having gone through withdrawal on my own, though, I don't think it would be much better, if nothing else because it isn't the physical part that's so hard, it's the psychological.

As you approach this, my biggest thought for you is to plan well ahead for the depression part. You have just been through some extreme stress that many of us could never even imagine, and depression issues have got to go hand in hand with that. My strong suggestion is to engage a counselor and a psychiatrist to prepare you for withdrawal and to hit the depression that goes with it head on before you have to encounter it. I don't know what meds the shrink will put you on, but that would depend on you and your history, and I found when I had severe depression at one time that the family doc types just don't know how to deal with it. I was put on all the wrong drugs until I finally found a counselor that knew my diagnosis was NOT bipolar as the family doc thought, but something much different. She worked with a shrink that only did the meds and not the counseling.

Lastly, take heart that you can do this. Try not to tackle EVERY problem in one gulp. Separate out your issues into smaller parts that you can deal with individually. The weight, the fluid retention, the depression, the anxiety, the withdrawal. It will all come together later on.

You've just been through a trial by fire, and you've ended up with some big problems as a result. But look at how far you've come. Addiction can take us by surprise, especially when our attitudes at one time never entertained the idea that we could be one of "them". Addicts I mean. You don't even have to label yourself that way, although for the purposes of withdrawal, there are commonalities among us all.

I hope you chronicle your journey here. Congratulations on all your hard won battles. And welcome here, I am so glad you have come here for support.

FT

rinky

hi Willow, welcome to our little group. there is alot of understanding and support here as im sure you've read enough to know by now. We all got here one way or another. This forum helped me so much, the people who post here and share their struggles and triumphs here gave me the courage to finally do something about my own addiction. I ended up getting in a methadone program. I tried to taper, and cold turkey. I just didn't have what it takes to do either one. Im not sure why, i just know if i hadn't have made a decision and done something, lord knows what would have happened. You are taking the first steps to freedom and you will be so glad later. It is scary to wake up and realize that your life and being able to live it and do the simplest things now depends on a little pill. I know that methadone is an opiate too, but it is legal and monitored and eventually I can wean off of it slowly and safely. being in the program allows me to take my time and plan how i want to or even if i want to wean off of it. this medication has its advantages other than controlling withdrawls. I started taking oxy bc it took away my depression, i cant take antidepressants. anyway, its way less expensive, its legal and its medically supervised. i dont swell anymore, I don't have joint pain anymore, and it keeps the depression at bay. It's not a solution for everyone, and some would say it's not a solution at all. It did give me some breathing room just to get my mind straightened out and my finances. I was spending more than I was making just to buy more pills to keep working. It was insane. I hope you find a path that works for you and stick to it. it is so worth it to get your life back.