Fear of falling off that cliff into the black hole again.
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Fear of falling off that cliff into the black hole again.
I have been experiencing depressive symptoms once again. I was hoping at the start that they would go away and pass quickly but it looks like they are here to stay awhile. How I hate this part of bipolar. The ups I can live with and manage but the downs go so far down that it is hard to breathe let alone live. I am so tired right now of life, of trying, fighting to get the right meds, starting meds that work for a short time then stop, etc... I have been struggling really bad with this for the past 5 years. I have been unable to work since then. I am tired of fighting with the disability people, they think if it can't be seen then it isn't real.
Part of my illness is that innate behavior of automatically acting like all is well in front of others. This is one thing that has hurt me with the disability board. I can write this here because it is just writing not face to face. I was raised to have the outside look good going on no matter what the inside felt like or looked like. We were not aloud to cry or show emotion in my home we would be punished for it then get in trouble for crying about the spankings or verbal abuse or physical abuse that went on. This was from a very early age when children should be allowed to cry over a skinned knee. I hate that part of me. When the doctor asks me how things are going the first thing out of my mouth is "ok". Rather than "Things are F***** up right now and I don't know what to do about it". It seems the best I can do is tell them the meds don't seem to be working to control the symptoms but it comes across in such a clinical and unemotional way rather than a personal way I think sometimes they don't get how bad things really are.
I have appointments with both my psychiatrist and psychologist next week. I am praying I can come across with what is really going on inside rather than that innate response of "ok" or the clinical unemotional response of the meds are not working because the symptoms are still present without being able to express the urgency of the symptoms; The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of falling off a cliff, the nightmares, the increased anxiety, the spinning thoughts, the edginess, the loss of color in my life, the blackness, the lack of energy, etc.... I know the easy thing to do would be to print this off and show it to my doctor but to get past the embarrassment of not being able to verbalize my needs is something that I don't know if I can do.
It is sad that I am the first to state that we need to be our own advocates in mental health care but I struggle with doing that. Guess it is easier to talk than to act sometimes. To know what to do but not be able to apply it to ones own life.
Don't know what to do to change this right now. I am making a list of things to try to take in to my appointment but that comes across so clinical and false when I present with the look good of everything is ok on the outside it appears as a contradiction. Not sure exactly why I am posting this except to get it out of my head and on paper for a bit.
Part of my illness is that innate behavior of automatically acting like all is well in front of others. This is one thing that has hurt me with the disability board. I can write this here because it is just writing not face to face. I was raised to have the outside look good going on no matter what the inside felt like or looked like. We were not aloud to cry or show emotion in my home we would be punished for it then get in trouble for crying about the spankings or verbal abuse or physical abuse that went on. This was from a very early age when children should be allowed to cry over a skinned knee. I hate that part of me. When the doctor asks me how things are going the first thing out of my mouth is "ok". Rather than "Things are F***** up right now and I don't know what to do about it". It seems the best I can do is tell them the meds don't seem to be working to control the symptoms but it comes across in such a clinical and unemotional way rather than a personal way I think sometimes they don't get how bad things really are.
I have appointments with both my psychiatrist and psychologist next week. I am praying I can come across with what is really going on inside rather than that innate response of "ok" or the clinical unemotional response of the meds are not working because the symptoms are still present without being able to express the urgency of the symptoms; The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of falling off a cliff, the nightmares, the increased anxiety, the spinning thoughts, the edginess, the loss of color in my life, the blackness, the lack of energy, etc.... I know the easy thing to do would be to print this off and show it to my doctor but to get past the embarrassment of not being able to verbalize my needs is something that I don't know if I can do.
It is sad that I am the first to state that we need to be our own advocates in mental health care but I struggle with doing that. Guess it is easier to talk than to act sometimes. To know what to do but not be able to apply it to ones own life.
Don't know what to do to change this right now. I am making a list of things to try to take in to my appointment but that comes across so clinical and false when I present with the look good of everything is ok on the outside it appears as a contradiction. Not sure exactly why I am posting this except to get it out of my head and on paper for a bit.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 236
Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. I can definitely relate having just barely come out of a depression myself. Something I do when I'm scared to tell my therapist something is just what you mentioned. Write it down and just let him/her read it. I've even taken my journal in to let her read when I couldn't adequately express something or was afraid to do so.
I'm with Darklight - sometimes I just have to say fu*k you to that voice in my head that wants to bring me down. It's not always easy - sometimes it feels impossible (when I'm at my lowest). And my best advice (because I know how impossible it feels to come out of this right now) is to try to nurture and take care of yourself and to be as honest as you can with your mental health "team" and let them help you - that's what they're there for!
Good luck - I hope you can get this resolved soon; I know you must feel miserable.
I'm with Darklight - sometimes I just have to say fu*k you to that voice in my head that wants to bring me down. It's not always easy - sometimes it feels impossible (when I'm at my lowest). And my best advice (because I know how impossible it feels to come out of this right now) is to try to nurture and take care of yourself and to be as honest as you can with your mental health "team" and let them help you - that's what they're there for!
Good luck - I hope you can get this resolved soon; I know you must feel miserable.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 177
Seriously, thoughts are damaging. I experience overload with thoughts, you need to just keep them on track. Focus of your appointment next week. If you havnt said how you truly feel, i suggest you do so. I had to even print of a page before coz i literally could speek the words of what had happened and what was going thru my head. If you have a problem with words like i do, the page is a good way. It gives you a change to express what you want. At first i felt weak but it was empowering knowing that i took control. If you want the proper help then you have to say exactly what goes on in your head so you can work on it.
I think tho it is impotant to remember that this stage you are going thru, another stage will soon follow and it will be better. Unfortunantly we have to just take these stages as they come. Im sorry you are feeling this way but know it will pass.
I think tho it is impotant to remember that this stage you are going thru, another stage will soon follow and it will be better. Unfortunantly we have to just take these stages as they come. Im sorry you are feeling this way but know it will pass.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
My heart goes out to you, I understand what it's like to feel the pain of mental illness. And I also know that when we're in a bad place I have almost an impossible time believing it will or can change. I believe it's always been that way (although it isn't true) and always will be. I suggest making a determination that no matter what you're going to be honest with the doctors about how awful you feel. My family also had the credo "don't air your dirty laundry in public". I had to learn there are times when I must be honest or I'll sink.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,867
I know all to well the damaging effects of PTSD. My heart goes out to you.
That sucking it up and put on that happy face wile inside your in deep agony is a killer. I too was taught under the threats of punishment to don't cry. I call it being emotional suppressed by fear of being vulnerable. Then being punished because of it.
Now it seems to me you are punishing yourself. Not knowing how to be emotional available or covering up your emotional distress is like self-sabotage.
Thwarting my need to be cared for, being vulnerable to others and just not knowing how to get what I need to be safe. All fall under the category of fear. just like the fear I felt while being abused as a child.
When anything triggers that fear I had as a child during my trauma, I do my best to avoid those situations. My avoidance can be; faking emotional states, feeling detached, denying myself of help, procrastination, punishing myself and that all leads up for me unbelievable frustration.
I know its so heart wrenching to be victimized by, in my case my mother, but by others too. And it is like for me to victimize/punish myself when I'm lost in my mental health symptoms.
My hope for you Nandm is healing...healing to be bough by your own strengths (and yes through other beliefs), hidden strengths maybe, but by your own determination to seek, help and move the helpers to be aware of your deepest needs. To open yourself fully, be vulnerable, without any defenses to allow others in and see the true you.
That sucking it up and put on that happy face wile inside your in deep agony is a killer. I too was taught under the threats of punishment to don't cry. I call it being emotional suppressed by fear of being vulnerable. Then being punished because of it.
Now it seems to me you are punishing yourself. Not knowing how to be emotional available or covering up your emotional distress is like self-sabotage.
Thwarting my need to be cared for, being vulnerable to others and just not knowing how to get what I need to be safe. All fall under the category of fear. just like the fear I felt while being abused as a child.
When anything triggers that fear I had as a child during my trauma, I do my best to avoid those situations. My avoidance can be; faking emotional states, feeling detached, denying myself of help, procrastination, punishing myself and that all leads up for me unbelievable frustration.
I know its so heart wrenching to be victimized by, in my case my mother, but by others too. And it is like for me to victimize/punish myself when I'm lost in my mental health symptoms.
My hope for you Nandm is healing...healing to be bough by your own strengths (and yes through other beliefs), hidden strengths maybe, but by your own determination to seek, help and move the helpers to be aware of your deepest needs. To open yourself fully, be vulnerable, without any defenses to allow others in and see the true you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Hugs to you nandm 
My depression is different in character and cause, but I identify with 'putting on a brave face' - my partner almost tears her hair out sometimes because I say I'm 'fine' when I'm obviously anything but.
It's partly a family thing for me, partly an Aussie male pride thing, substantially a fear thing...but mostly a ornery stubborn thing LOL.
It's hard work to reach out for me sometimes but I'm getting better at it - and it does bring dividends.
My best thoughts and wishes go with you,
feel free to drop me a line anytime J
Take care,
D
My depression is different in character and cause, but I identify with 'putting on a brave face' - my partner almost tears her hair out sometimes because I say I'm 'fine' when I'm obviously anything but.
It's partly a family thing for me, partly an Aussie male pride thing, substantially a fear thing...but mostly a ornery stubborn thing LOL.
It's hard work to reach out for me sometimes but I'm getting better at it - and it does bring dividends.
My best thoughts and wishes go with you,
feel free to drop me a line anytime J
Take care,
D
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Thank you for sharing nandm. I have trouble verbalizing anything other than "ok" too.
You mentioned printing this off and showing it to your doctor instead of having to say it. There is absolutely nothing shameful about doing that. I wrote up something because I knew in my heart that I would not be able to share it out loud, more than once, for therapy. Heck, this forum is doing just that with other people, instead of doctors. I find it an easier means of communication and once I know that they've accepted what I have wrote, it's easier for me to talk about the next time.
Just my thoughts. Hope you're doing better
You mentioned printing this off and showing it to your doctor instead of having to say it. There is absolutely nothing shameful about doing that. I wrote up something because I knew in my heart that I would not be able to share it out loud, more than once, for therapy. Heck, this forum is doing just that with other people, instead of doctors. I find it an easier means of communication and once I know that they've accepted what I have wrote, it's easier for me to talk about the next time.
Just my thoughts. Hope you're doing better
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
So I thought I had three appointments this week; a physical therapy, a mental health therapy, and a pscy. appt for my meds. Well I went to the physical therapy appt. yesterday, drove a half hour to get there in traffic which was horrible on my anxiety. Found out I was a week early...! So got home, checked my calendar to find out that all my appts are for next week.
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression. It is not urgent enough to call urgent care but it still is bad. Not much I can do but hang in there and wait till I get in next week. This sucks!
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression. It is not urgent enough to call urgent care but it still is bad. Not much I can do but hang in there and wait till I get in next week. This sucks!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
nan...
I have severe bp type I...normally a mixed state...anxious and depressed at the same time.
I feel for you being in the lows. I've found that when I have a Dr. appt., I am relieved and scared at the same time...and when I see the doc, the relief part kicks in and I say I am fine. It is nuts, as I have gone home and felt awful more than once. The last two visits i was honest about how i was feeling...and made a point to say how i 'had been"
feeling. He adjusted my meds accordingly, and they have helped..especially with insomnia and nightmares. But, I have been low for a week now, and will tell him about this when my appt. comes early next month, or go in earlier if necessary. I understand the feeling of being tired of the whole thing. I was stable for a couple of years, then...because of some major stresses, new anxiety disorder and PTSD was added to
the dx. For the first time in years I am resenting being ill. But, I know it will not last forever...the bad feelings...and I really have to work on the resentment as I know the chemical imbalance is not going to magically disappear. There is a light in the tunnel...remember you are not alone in this. I am inspired by all of the posts on this thread, and it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone. Praying for you to get the exact help you need. Major hugs, nan))))))))
I have severe bp type I...normally a mixed state...anxious and depressed at the same time.
I feel for you being in the lows. I've found that when I have a Dr. appt., I am relieved and scared at the same time...and when I see the doc, the relief part kicks in and I say I am fine. It is nuts, as I have gone home and felt awful more than once. The last two visits i was honest about how i was feeling...and made a point to say how i 'had been"
feeling. He adjusted my meds accordingly, and they have helped..especially with insomnia and nightmares. But, I have been low for a week now, and will tell him about this when my appt. comes early next month, or go in earlier if necessary. I understand the feeling of being tired of the whole thing. I was stable for a couple of years, then...because of some major stresses, new anxiety disorder and PTSD was added to
the dx. For the first time in years I am resenting being ill. But, I know it will not last forever...the bad feelings...and I really have to work on the resentment as I know the chemical imbalance is not going to magically disappear. There is a light in the tunnel...remember you are not alone in this. I am inspired by all of the posts on this thread, and it makes me feel better knowing I am not alone. Praying for you to get the exact help you need. Major hugs, nan))))))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by nandm 
So I thought I had three appointments this week; a physical therapy, a mental health therapy, and a pscy. appt for my meds. Well I went to the physical therapy appt. yesterday, drove a half hour to get there in traffic which was horrible on my anxiety. Found out I was a week early...! So got home, checked my calendar to find out that all my appts are for next week.
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression. It is not urgent enough to call urgent care but it still is bad. Not much I can do but hang in there and wait till I get in next week. This sucks!
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression. It is not urgent enough to call urgent care but it still is bad. Not much I can do but hang in there and wait till I get in next week. This sucks!
I do understand debilitating depression because mine has really been kicking my butt for some time now. The abilify did help initially, so it's frustrating for me right now!
Hugs to you!
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Isn't it frustrating when the meds stop working? I'm due for a change...we'll see...but I
am not giving up hope. That is what keeps me going in the in-between times, and gives me peace for another day.
am not giving up hope. That is what keeps me going in the in-between times, and gives me peace for another day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Nandm, sorry you are dealing with this. Your posts have helped me through a lot, including this one. It is actually a help in a way to know that even people who have been around here as long as you still struggle from time to time.
Don't worry about not being able to communicate what you really mean to say with your psychologist. Even if you don't say what you mean, it is part of their calling to be able to see through the "fines" and "okays" to what they are covering.
Don't worry about not being able to communicate what you really mean to say with your psychologist. Even if you don't say what you mean, it is part of their calling to be able to see through the "fines" and "okays" to what they are covering.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,867
Just a couple points that can make not only temporary changes in the brain, but some permanent ones too.
Its called refraining, I do it automatically most offend now.
Now this a skill I have learned and it dose help me. So please do not be putt off because I am examining you thought process.
Hate is a very strong emotional response. To be hateful will conger up heighten emotions to the next point of intense anger and deep despise. In fact I would guess your body has received this message and acts on it in a physical way. That is you freel the heighten psychological responses that hate elitists; anxiety, heighten alert response, defense position being even a flight, fight of freeze chemical rush of preparing for a heighten state of readiness.
Well it looks extreme, but once you relize the messages the brain signaly to the body are extreme. Our body do not prepare for ambiguous messages the brain sends, Our body's react in some simple but drastic ways. Think of what a projected freeze responce would be like, resistance to movenet, system shut down, cognitive and physically depression, all the wile with with a stedy rate of being prepaired to move, tention, antisipatiom.
The mesage I have giving my body can cause some real distress...and in kind my body act that distress out.
Anywho just some toughts I hoped to share in an act of helping out. Be well no matter, the best you can that is.
Its called refraining, I do it automatically most offend now.
Originally Posted by Nand
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression. It is not urgent enough to call urgent care but it still is bad. Not much I can do but hang in there and wait till I get in next week.
I hate waiting another week to deal with this depression...bad...This sucks!
Well it looks extreme, but once you relize the messages the brain signaly to the body are extreme. Our body do not prepare for ambiguous messages the brain sends, Our body's react in some simple but drastic ways. Think of what a projected freeze responce would be like, resistance to movenet, system shut down, cognitive and physically depression, all the wile with with a stedy rate of being prepaired to move, tention, antisipatiom.
The mesage I have giving my body can cause some real distress...and in kind my body act that distress out.
Anywho just some toughts I hoped to share in an act of helping out. Be well no matter, the best you can that is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,945
Well I hope everything went well for you. Im bipolar 1 with psychosis its bad anuff that I applied for disabilty 4 months ago when actually I should of done it two and a half years ago. Anyways the abyss I just came out of it and I dont no how I did it but I thing I know is attending dbsa meetings which stands for depression and bipolar support alliance help me threw it. I actually shared and to my surprise nobody tried to mock me our say anything negative they where posative. The funny thing is I went there to help them and they help me. I had to accept that part of my illness was depression. Me I take a mood stabilizer the first one and a antipsycohtic the first one. And if I find my self in the abyss I'll ask for help from my pscyh. Anyways thanks for the post nandm.
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