Help?
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Help?
Im a recovering addict, my sober date is 5/23/11. I have been attending meetings and a rehab on an outpatient basis. My DOC is heroin, and I used every day for about 4 months. It may not seem like long, but I still have some pretty dark demons that I created during those months and am now having a lot of trouble facing. Im only 15, and my using destroyed my parents marriage, led me to lying and stealing from family, and I turned a few other innocent teenagers into heroin junkies. Just wondering if anyone who had similar issues could help with some ideas of how to cope with these demons /:
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(((CWaddict))) - welcome to SR!! There are several people here who are recovering H addicts, or still trying to get to that point. Though several of us are older, there are quite a few young people here, too.
Do you have any type of support, someone you can talk to about this? Counselor, maybe? I know that when I was abusing opiates (the drug that brought me to my knees was crack, which I started later) but anyway, I went to AA meetings because there were more of them.
They had "young people's" meetings and several of my friends there were late teens, early 20's and had been in recovery for a few years, some were still struggling.
It's hard facing what we've done when we were using. I know I had a lot of guilt/shame/self-hatred. My normal way of dealing with feelings I didn't like had been to numb them out with something, for years.
I brought a lot of bad consequences on myself, hurt my family, turned into someone I didn't even recognize. However, I decided that using was no longer an option, and I would remind myself of that every time I thought of using.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here, but I also think you'd benefit a lot from having some f2f support. Just knowing I wasn't alone in what I was going through helped a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Do you have any type of support, someone you can talk to about this? Counselor, maybe? I know that when I was abusing opiates (the drug that brought me to my knees was crack, which I started later) but anyway, I went to AA meetings because there were more of them.
They had "young people's" meetings and several of my friends there were late teens, early 20's and had been in recovery for a few years, some were still struggling.
It's hard facing what we've done when we were using. I know I had a lot of guilt/shame/self-hatred. My normal way of dealing with feelings I didn't like had been to numb them out with something, for years.
I brought a lot of bad consequences on myself, hurt my family, turned into someone I didn't even recognize. However, I decided that using was no longer an option, and I would remind myself of that every time I thought of using.
SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and I'm sure you'll find a lot of ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) here, but I also think you'd benefit a lot from having some f2f support. Just knowing I wasn't alone in what I was going through helped a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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I still find it a little difficult to open up to people in person or people I know I will have to face again sooner or later. The shame of some of the things I have done is preventing me from really opening up to anyone. I thought maybe some people online who I dont personally know but can still relate and help with some of my problems would be a good place to start.
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
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I started my sobriety here too, cwaddict, at the age of 17. I'm now 20 with almost 2 years clean. I found this place really helpful for the same reasons you're thinking, you can relate to people but you still have the ability to "hide" if you will. It sounds like you're doing really well with face to face stuff too though with the meetings and outpatient programs. I am no heroin addict, I'm a recovering speed addict but my dad was a heroin addict until he met his death two years ago. You're making the right choice to get clean man, keep it up. Heroin only leads to misery, I've seen it and lived with it for most of my life.
It is tough to open up to people, I'm the same way, but I found that in therapy I only have to deal with one person instead of 15 or so people at meetings. It's easier for me as I feel I can share my "demons" with this one person I know I can trust, unlike 15 people at the meetings that I'm not sure about. You may want to try one on one therapy, but I'm not saying you should stop the meetings though because it's important to have people in your life that are also going through the same things you are and that you can relate to, those people in recovery at the meetings. I get my recovery support from the people here on this forum, and that seems to work for me. Every person is different so something that may work for me may not for another person, but there's a saying in recovery-- "take what you need and leave the rest." So take what advice works for you and leave the rest behind
Welcome to SR!
It is tough to open up to people, I'm the same way, but I found that in therapy I only have to deal with one person instead of 15 or so people at meetings. It's easier for me as I feel I can share my "demons" with this one person I know I can trust, unlike 15 people at the meetings that I'm not sure about. You may want to try one on one therapy, but I'm not saying you should stop the meetings though because it's important to have people in your life that are also going through the same things you are and that you can relate to, those people in recovery at the meetings. I get my recovery support from the people here on this forum, and that seems to work for me. Every person is different so something that may work for me may not for another person, but there's a saying in recovery-- "take what you need and leave the rest." So take what advice works for you and leave the rest behind
Welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Your parents' marriage
Originally Posted by cwaddict 
Im a recovering addict, my sober date is 5/23/11. I have been attending meetings and a rehab on an outpatient basis. My DOC is heroin, and I used every day for about 4 months. It may not seem like long, but I still have some pretty dark demons that I created during those months and am now having a lot of trouble facing. Im only 15, and my using destroyed my parents marriage, led me to lying and stealing from family, and I turned a few other innocent teenagers into heroin junkies. Just wondering if anyone who had similar issues could help with some ideas of how to cope with these demons /:
Welcome to this forum. There are quite a few young people here who can relate to you a lot! Congratulations on the steps you have taken. You show wisdom beyond your years.
It is common for kids to think they are to blame for the failure of their parents' marriages, and maybe they even told you that. But it is ALMOST NEVER TRUE. Whatever problems they had were not your fault! Parents often argue about "the kids", especially if they disagree about discipline.
On the other hand, while you must take the ultimate responsibility for your addiction -- and you show that you are are doing that -- it is more likely that you turned to drugs because of their failures in raising you than it is that you caused the ruin of their marriage.
I just want to put this out there so that yo don't have to carry this "ball and chain" around with you for any longer than you already have. Your addiction is enough for you to deal with without thinking you caused a divorce that you didn't cause. Or, if divorce hasn't happened yet, that you are the cause of the differences between your parents. Those things are deep among adults, and go back a long way.
Good work on getting clean so far! I hope you can build some good support with some NA youth groups and get the support you need behind you.
FT
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Thank you Speedy, its nice to know im not the only one who is more inclined to "hide" instead of sharing with multiple other people that I will have to face again.
Failedtaper, It just seems like a lot of it really was my fault though. My step-dad is a recovering meth addict and has been clean for about 15 years. He is married to my mom, since my biological dad abandoned me at a young age and I didnt meet until around 8 years old. My step-dad recognized a lot of the sings of me using and brought it to my moms attention. My mom spent every day of my using, screaming and yelling at him about how he was wrong about me, that I was perfect, and that I would never do such a thing. I also stole from my grandparents who were visiting from out of town, and when I got caught I denied it and blamed it on my step-brother. This resulted from him getting kicked out of my house, which is now the main reason for my parents split up. He is now very supportive of me, having been in my shoes, but he still wont take my mom back, and its mainly because of the things I have done /:
Failedtaper, It just seems like a lot of it really was my fault though. My step-dad is a recovering meth addict and has been clean for about 15 years. He is married to my mom, since my biological dad abandoned me at a young age and I didnt meet until around 8 years old. My step-dad recognized a lot of the sings of me using and brought it to my moms attention. My mom spent every day of my using, screaming and yelling at him about how he was wrong about me, that I was perfect, and that I would never do such a thing. I also stole from my grandparents who were visiting from out of town, and when I got caught I denied it and blamed it on my step-brother. This resulted from him getting kicked out of my house, which is now the main reason for my parents split up. He is now very supportive of me, having been in my shoes, but he still wont take my mom back, and its mainly because of the things I have done /:
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Hi again cw:
I know it seems that way from what you are describing. BUT -- and this is a big one -- ADULTS are supposed to be in control of their lives and provide a protective environment for their kids. You had a bunch of people who were supposed to be behaving like adults, and for whatever reason your mom chose to marry a recovering meth addict, there are a lot of ADULT dynamics going on in that relationship that have nothing to do with you.
As much as you have been forced into an adult world, you are still a minor child. Kids get emancipated at your age, which can be good and bad, and you sound very very mature. But a lot has been put on your plate for your years, and the last thing you need is to carry around baggage about how you, as a child with lots of problems, made the adults around you make bad decisions. Moms protect their kids, yes, but that isn't your fault either.
One thing that happens in dysfunctional families is that the kids go on to create more dysfunctional families. This would be a good time for you to get some help to put this all into perspective, so you can go on to lead a healthy adult life of your own.
You are having a rough start, but you have your intelligence and strength on your side. Now, if you go on and USE those things to your advantage, you have a good shot at a great life.
As supportive as your step dad is, I hope you can find some good adult mentors who are not recovering addicts. It doesn't have to be all religious or mind bending crap, either. Just good solid adults who can model some ADULT behavior that you can look up to as the way to live, and NOT the way your parents have shown you to do.
Good luck. Like I said, you show strength and maturity beyond your years.
FT
I know it seems that way from what you are describing. BUT -- and this is a big one -- ADULTS are supposed to be in control of their lives and provide a protective environment for their kids. You had a bunch of people who were supposed to be behaving like adults, and for whatever reason your mom chose to marry a recovering meth addict, there are a lot of ADULT dynamics going on in that relationship that have nothing to do with you.
As much as you have been forced into an adult world, you are still a minor child. Kids get emancipated at your age, which can be good and bad, and you sound very very mature. But a lot has been put on your plate for your years, and the last thing you need is to carry around baggage about how you, as a child with lots of problems, made the adults around you make bad decisions. Moms protect their kids, yes, but that isn't your fault either.
One thing that happens in dysfunctional families is that the kids go on to create more dysfunctional families. This would be a good time for you to get some help to put this all into perspective, so you can go on to lead a healthy adult life of your own.
You are having a rough start, but you have your intelligence and strength on your side. Now, if you go on and USE those things to your advantage, you have a good shot at a great life.
As supportive as your step dad is, I hope you can find some good adult mentors who are not recovering addicts. It doesn't have to be all religious or mind bending crap, either. Just good solid adults who can model some ADULT behavior that you can look up to as the way to live, and NOT the way your parents have shown you to do.
Good luck. Like I said, you show strength and maturity beyond your years.
FT
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FT- Thank you! What you said really helped put things into perspective. Its not entirely my fault that my parents made the decisions they did. Nobody forced my mom to protect me against him, it was her choice. Thank you very much for helping me to realize this! My mom has always been less of a mom to me and more of a friend, which I think is what really allowed my habit to get as bad as it did. I saw she wasnt going to do anything about it, and since she has sole custody of me, she was the only person I really needed to make the decision to not do anything about this, even though quite a few people told her it was pretty apparent I had a problem. Again, thank you FT for your words and your support!
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CW:
One of the hardest things a parent has to do, MUST do, is be the PARENT and not the friend to their kids. If the parent does not set up boundaries, the kid NEVER learns boundaries. How could they? If a parent never says NO, a kid learns to be selfish and "entitled". That is one of the worst handicaps a parent can bestow on their kid.
Being a parent is really HARD. Parents who do not know how to parent create a much more difficult world for their kids, who have learned no boundaries and thus no self control. To expect you to come out of this mess with those things all by yourself, is RIDICULOUS. No wonder you had trouble with drugs. You can still love your mom for being your mom, and you can even forgive her for not being a PARENT to you. But now YOU are left having to learn boundaries and self control that would be coming naturally to you now if you had been parented at the appropriate times.
Like I said, you are showing amazing maturity despite the odds. Keep it up! Having said that, you STILL deserve some good parenting and mentoring, even now, so I hope you can find that. Some good places to look beside NA are the YMCA, Boys and Girls Clubs, and other youth programs. You might find a good adult mentor in one of those places. Meanwhile, if you are not emancipated, you are stuck with a mom who loves you but doesn't have the parenting skills you will need to help you keep your boundaries clear.
We all struggle with those things, even as we get older. Some never learn them, and that can create a real tough life and unimaginable struggle.
Lastly, the best advice I could give you is to get into an educational path. Even at your age that is possible. You sound really smart, so get the high school diploma or GED first. That will really matter in a few years. The community colleges have some really good vocational stuff going, or if you want you could take it all the way and become a professional like a doctor. You sound smart enough for that. I'm not kidding.
FT
One of the hardest things a parent has to do, MUST do, is be the PARENT and not the friend to their kids. If the parent does not set up boundaries, the kid NEVER learns boundaries. How could they? If a parent never says NO, a kid learns to be selfish and "entitled". That is one of the worst handicaps a parent can bestow on their kid.
Being a parent is really HARD. Parents who do not know how to parent create a much more difficult world for their kids, who have learned no boundaries and thus no self control. To expect you to come out of this mess with those things all by yourself, is RIDICULOUS. No wonder you had trouble with drugs. You can still love your mom for being your mom, and you can even forgive her for not being a PARENT to you. But now YOU are left having to learn boundaries and self control that would be coming naturally to you now if you had been parented at the appropriate times.
Like I said, you are showing amazing maturity despite the odds. Keep it up! Having said that, you STILL deserve some good parenting and mentoring, even now, so I hope you can find that. Some good places to look beside NA are the YMCA, Boys and Girls Clubs, and other youth programs. You might find a good adult mentor in one of those places. Meanwhile, if you are not emancipated, you are stuck with a mom who loves you but doesn't have the parenting skills you will need to help you keep your boundaries clear.
We all struggle with those things, even as we get older. Some never learn them, and that can create a real tough life and unimaginable struggle.
Lastly, the best advice I could give you is to get into an educational path. Even at your age that is possible. You sound really smart, so get the high school diploma or GED first. That will really matter in a few years. The community colleges have some really good vocational stuff going, or if you want you could take it all the way and become a professional like a doctor. You sound smart enough for that. I'm not kidding.
FT
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FT:
Yeah I am not emancipated, still living with my mom. She is doing her best to help, but even now is STILL not really being a parent about this, just based on the fact that she did not put me into an in-patient rehab facility. While I am grateful for this and do think that the outpatient is doing me very well, it goes to show she is STILL not willing to remove all my freedoms. I had my phone taken for two weeks after this happened and that was it. As a parent, I dont see how she could allow this seeing as the only thing I really need to get drugs is a phone. Luckily I am not trying to get drugs, and have realized that its just a suicidal path I dont want to continue down, but I still dont see how as a parent she could allow this. I do love her and do try not to blame her for this as they were my decisions. But the person who got me into all these drugs in the first place was my 19 year old roommate at the time. A 15 year old having a roommate? Doesnt seem like a very good parenting decision. I actually do hope to be a doctor someday, or a professional hockey player. I have always had good grades and even in the midst of using, was still able to maintain a 3.7 GPA. I dont ever want to go back to using, but the fact that she is making it so easy, such as leaving her prescription vicodin laying around just doesnt seem like she is even now willing to be a parent. Thank you so much again for your words of wisdom and your help, just in the last day has helped me get past a few of these demons in my mind
With gratitude, CW
Yeah I am not emancipated, still living with my mom. She is doing her best to help, but even now is STILL not really being a parent about this, just based on the fact that she did not put me into an in-patient rehab facility. While I am grateful for this and do think that the outpatient is doing me very well, it goes to show she is STILL not willing to remove all my freedoms. I had my phone taken for two weeks after this happened and that was it. As a parent, I dont see how she could allow this seeing as the only thing I really need to get drugs is a phone. Luckily I am not trying to get drugs, and have realized that its just a suicidal path I dont want to continue down, but I still dont see how as a parent she could allow this. I do love her and do try not to blame her for this as they were my decisions. But the person who got me into all these drugs in the first place was my 19 year old roommate at the time. A 15 year old having a roommate? Doesnt seem like a very good parenting decision. I actually do hope to be a doctor someday, or a professional hockey player. I have always had good grades and even in the midst of using, was still able to maintain a 3.7 GPA. I dont ever want to go back to using, but the fact that she is making it so easy, such as leaving her prescription vicodin laying around just doesnt seem like she is even now willing to be a parent. Thank you so much again for your words of wisdom and your help, just in the last day has helped me get past a few of these demons in my mind
With gratitude, CW
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I just cant help but thinking if she had been more of a parent, and had listened to the people telling her something was wrong, instead of trying so hard to be my friend, I might not be where I am now, at least not as bad
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Hey CW:
You are more articulate and express yourself more eloquently than many adults. Your grammar and spelling are excellent, and your thoughts well framed.
Those are all essential qualities of a successful college student, and I see you going a long way, with the right opportunities.
Since you are doing outpatient treatment, I wonder if you have a counselor you can speak with. If you do, request some resources to get some mentoring towards the goals you want to achieve. Even at your age, you can start planning for college. There is funding available if you can't afford it. And bright, intelligent kids like you can sometimes get a head start.
Meanwhile, you have your social and family issues to deal with. It wouldn't be realistic to expect your mom to start suddenly parenting you well. Without some strong guidance, even the most determined 15 year old is not in a position to face the struggles that come with adolescence alone. Your mom probably loves you a lot, but my guess is that she didn't have good parenting either, so she had nothing to model good parenting to use with her own kids. If you don't expect that out of her now, maybe you and she can have a good relationship at the level she is prepared to give, and no more. She probably doesn't know how to change herself to become the strong parent you have needed all along.
One thing you learn over your life, and you sure have seen some of it already, is that the ONLY person we ever really have any behavioral control over, is yourself. And some people never even figure out how to manage that! Ha!
So, given that you will never be able to change your mom, or your step dad, or anyone else, you still have YOU. It is a lot to ask of a 15 year old to have the maturity to make adult decisions, avoid adult pitfalls, deal with adult stresses. It is your having to deal with adult stresses that worries me the most about you. The most you should have to worry about right now -- other that staying clean -- is being a teenager, having the right kind of fun, and continuing to get good grades. Yeah, sure, chores and crap, too, but you know what I mean. You should not have to be dealing with adult issues yet -- stuff like monetary survival, surviving in a hard world (it is, but you should not even have to be aware of that yet), and figuring out how you are going to make your life work.
You are doing a good job at some of that stuff anyway, I know.
So, CW, try to get your ducks in a row with how you are going to get the guidance and support you need to finish school and take whatever next step you want to take after that. Can you ask for a guidance counselor? More than just the school kind.
Hang in there, CW. You are one amazing kid.
FT
You are more articulate and express yourself more eloquently than many adults. Your grammar and spelling are excellent, and your thoughts well framed.
Those are all essential qualities of a successful college student, and I see you going a long way, with the right opportunities.
Since you are doing outpatient treatment, I wonder if you have a counselor you can speak with. If you do, request some resources to get some mentoring towards the goals you want to achieve. Even at your age, you can start planning for college. There is funding available if you can't afford it. And bright, intelligent kids like you can sometimes get a head start.
Meanwhile, you have your social and family issues to deal with. It wouldn't be realistic to expect your mom to start suddenly parenting you well. Without some strong guidance, even the most determined 15 year old is not in a position to face the struggles that come with adolescence alone. Your mom probably loves you a lot, but my guess is that she didn't have good parenting either, so she had nothing to model good parenting to use with her own kids. If you don't expect that out of her now, maybe you and she can have a good relationship at the level she is prepared to give, and no more. She probably doesn't know how to change herself to become the strong parent you have needed all along.
One thing you learn over your life, and you sure have seen some of it already, is that the ONLY person we ever really have any behavioral control over, is yourself. And some people never even figure out how to manage that! Ha!
So, given that you will never be able to change your mom, or your step dad, or anyone else, you still have YOU. It is a lot to ask of a 15 year old to have the maturity to make adult decisions, avoid adult pitfalls, deal with adult stresses. It is your having to deal with adult stresses that worries me the most about you. The most you should have to worry about right now -- other that staying clean -- is being a teenager, having the right kind of fun, and continuing to get good grades. Yeah, sure, chores and crap, too, but you know what I mean. You should not have to be dealing with adult issues yet -- stuff like monetary survival, surviving in a hard world (it is, but you should not even have to be aware of that yet), and figuring out how you are going to make your life work.
You are doing a good job at some of that stuff anyway, I know.
So, CW, try to get your ducks in a row with how you are going to get the guidance and support you need to finish school and take whatever next step you want to take after that. Can you ask for a guidance counselor? More than just the school kind.
Hang in there, CW. You are one amazing kid.
FT
Clever Yak
Join Date: Jan 2009
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Originally Posted by failedtaper
Can you ask for a guidance counselor? More than just the school kind.
Hang in there, CW. You are one amazing kid.
FT
Hang in there, CW. You are one amazing kid.
FT
I wish I had when I was 15 and was in your shoes. I was living alone with my addict father who could not provide for me and was not an adequate parent in any sense of the word. I was going crazy trying to figure stuff out on my own and although my situation wasn't quite like yours, it was difficult to have to think about my own survival without any help at an age where I legally could not get a job or support myself.
I was actually called down to my guidance counselor's office at school one day and I remember it cause I was scared shxtless. I hated talking to people and I thought they were going to make me talk, however absurd that is. They didn't, they offered me someone to talk to about what was happening in my life (they only knew my parents had just gotten divorced, nothing about my dad's addiction), but I didn't take it. I wish I had. I think it could have helped me a lot and gotten me out of the situation I was in for two years till he died, and being in therapy now, I actually enjoy it in an odd way. It's not scary anymore, not like it was when I first started and I actually feel good about myself when I leave usually. I don't know, just something to think about, thought I would share my experience with you.
Quick question, have you ever tried to tell your mom that you don't like how she's "running" things and you'd like a little more guidance? I don't think she'll change, I'm kinda with FT on this one, but I don't know, she might see the light of day if you bring it to her attention. Talking to parents about serious things is extremely intimidating though (in my mind at least), so I can understand not wanting to do something like that...I can't say I ever did with my mom or my dad. I was very passive and quiet when I lived with them when they were together, my mom would never want to talk about anything relating to feelings and we (my sister or I) would get harshly reminded if we tried so I learned to just be quiet and take it. It sucked, I feel ya on that.
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Hi CW:
I liked what SpeedyJason has to say. I was hoping that someone nearer to your age would throw out some thoughts. Thank you SJ.
Hey, I just realized you are in California. There are quite a few social services still available there, and you now have a governor who will try to keep them available. I thought little about politics when I was your age. What's funny, though, is that Governor Brown's father was governor of California when I was 15. Ha!
Anyway, I wondered how you were doing today.
FT
I liked what SpeedyJason has to say. I was hoping that someone nearer to your age would throw out some thoughts. Thank you SJ.
Hey, I just realized you are in California. There are quite a few social services still available there, and you now have a governor who will try to keep them available. I thought little about politics when I was your age. What's funny, though, is that Governor Brown's father was governor of California when I was 15. Ha!
Anyway, I wondered how you were doing today.
FT
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Im doing alright, just a little pissed at the fact that my parents are trying to tell me that I have no clue what is best for me, and are trying to make all the decisions for me. They are trying to throw me into different programs and outpatient facilities, when NA has already helped me a great deal and I would rather just continue attending NA meetings and work my steps. Funny how NOW they decide they want to be parents and decide what is best for me, now that Im actually trying to get help with my situation and not just do drugs. I have found that NA is extremely helpful for me and is a place where I am beginning to almost feel comfortable enough to share some of my stories and experiences, and aquire help from the people there. But, according to my parents, that isnt "good enough" for them. Now that Im actually making a positive step in life, Im being told that I have no clue what I am doing. Day 24 sober and counting though!(:
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Hi CW:
It has got to be hard when you have found yourself in a position to be burdened with adult behaviors and responsibilities without any of the freedom of action theoretically associated with it. I say "theoretically" because as much at it looks like adults are free to do what they choose, they really are chained by the drag of having to make a living and survive in one of the toughest economies I have seen in my lifetime. And I'm pretty old. Ha!
Without knowing you very well, I hear a real smart kid who lives in a real dysfunctional family -- a kid who has had to mature faster than he should have for his number of years on this earth. You've had to grow up fast and reign yourself in, with few of the "percs" afforded to adults.
It sounds to me like you are old enough and mature enough to take part in some of the decision making. The legal reality of it, though, is that you are still a minor and under the control of the adults in your life, as unfair as that may seem right now. Especially when you can look at some pretty bad decision making on their parts.
Maybe what you could do to put some of the control in your own hands is to ask them to give you a list of choices and let you choose which one you want. If they are throwing different programs and facilities around, it sounds like there is more than one choice. You never know, if you leave for awhile, it may be a good thing to get away from your home situation. There may be other kids there who have experiences like yours. You might find an adult mentor in one of these places who you can relate to.
Sometimes parents who recognize they have been making some big mistakes trying to "help" you by being your friend instead of your parent and exerting NO control, will rebound the other direction and throw all KINDS of control at you. It may be that they don't know WHAT to do, and in a panic to try to "fix" everything, they go overboard.
When I was 15, I couldn't talk to my parents at ALL. I hid everything I was doing from them, and I was drinking, dropping acid, smoking weed, taking mescaline, popping pills, and anything else I could figure out to do. I was ONE wild kid. I think, for me anyway, I was HOPING someone would care enough to CATCH ME in what I was doing. Maybe even "save" me from myself. Instead, no one even noticed me coming in at 3 in the morning after I had snuck out the night before. I'm really lucky I didn't die. Seriously.
So what to do? As much as you may not want to hear this, sometimes the best way to "defuse" the situation is to AGREE with them. If you agree with them, they have no argument with you. Worry about regaining ground later on. Meanwhile, you might find something in these situations they are throwing at you that you actually like, something you can actually live with.
After all, if the ultimate goal is really to stay sober and move on with your life, maybe an end to the arguments can start with a peace offering from your side.
One thing I DO know is this. I don't know you, except from your impressive presence here, but you will be 18 before you know it and out of the house. The stuff that happens between age 15 and 18 can be life changing, good or bad. You are SUCH an obviously intelligent kid, I would love to hear a few years from now that you stayed clean, graduated from high school, and have hit college running. You have the potential, you know.
I probably haven't helped with my words, but I continue to be moved by your situation.
FT
It has got to be hard when you have found yourself in a position to be burdened with adult behaviors and responsibilities without any of the freedom of action theoretically associated with it. I say "theoretically" because as much at it looks like adults are free to do what they choose, they really are chained by the drag of having to make a living and survive in one of the toughest economies I have seen in my lifetime. And I'm pretty old. Ha!
Without knowing you very well, I hear a real smart kid who lives in a real dysfunctional family -- a kid who has had to mature faster than he should have for his number of years on this earth. You've had to grow up fast and reign yourself in, with few of the "percs" afforded to adults.
It sounds to me like you are old enough and mature enough to take part in some of the decision making. The legal reality of it, though, is that you are still a minor and under the control of the adults in your life, as unfair as that may seem right now. Especially when you can look at some pretty bad decision making on their parts.
Maybe what you could do to put some of the control in your own hands is to ask them to give you a list of choices and let you choose which one you want. If they are throwing different programs and facilities around, it sounds like there is more than one choice. You never know, if you leave for awhile, it may be a good thing to get away from your home situation. There may be other kids there who have experiences like yours. You might find an adult mentor in one of these places who you can relate to.
Sometimes parents who recognize they have been making some big mistakes trying to "help" you by being your friend instead of your parent and exerting NO control, will rebound the other direction and throw all KINDS of control at you. It may be that they don't know WHAT to do, and in a panic to try to "fix" everything, they go overboard.
When I was 15, I couldn't talk to my parents at ALL. I hid everything I was doing from them, and I was drinking, dropping acid, smoking weed, taking mescaline, popping pills, and anything else I could figure out to do. I was ONE wild kid. I think, for me anyway, I was HOPING someone would care enough to CATCH ME in what I was doing. Maybe even "save" me from myself. Instead, no one even noticed me coming in at 3 in the morning after I had snuck out the night before. I'm really lucky I didn't die. Seriously.
So what to do? As much as you may not want to hear this, sometimes the best way to "defuse" the situation is to AGREE with them. If you agree with them, they have no argument with you. Worry about regaining ground later on. Meanwhile, you might find something in these situations they are throwing at you that you actually like, something you can actually live with.
After all, if the ultimate goal is really to stay sober and move on with your life, maybe an end to the arguments can start with a peace offering from your side.
One thing I DO know is this. I don't know you, except from your impressive presence here, but you will be 18 before you know it and out of the house. The stuff that happens between age 15 and 18 can be life changing, good or bad. You are SUCH an obviously intelligent kid, I would love to hear a few years from now that you stayed clean, graduated from high school, and have hit college running. You have the potential, you know.
I probably haven't helped with my words, but I continue to be moved by your situation.
FT
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Burbank, CA
Posts: 12
FT: You have helped more than you can possibly imagine in the last few days! Thanks again for taking the time to give me advice. While it may not be exactly what I want to do, its a lot easier to just agree than to fight with them. It just bugs me that now that im on a poaitive path they FINALLY want to help. While I was using, I did reach out and try to get caught. Hell, I even showed my mom the gear I used to smoke H with one day when she asked what was in my pocket. Even then, she was too blind to see what was going on. I guess if you cant beat them, join them. I will try to just make do with what choices I have, and make the best of it. Again, thank you so much!
-CW
-CW
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