Almost Relapsed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Almost Relapsed
Almost f*cking relapsed today. Was at my cousin's house and went to the bathroom and being the good little addict I am, checked his med cabinet and noticed a bunch of prescription bottles. One of which was a large bottle of hydrocodone dated 6 months ago, so obviously left over and he wouldn't have noticed if they were gone. (my addiction was to painkillers).
I went through rehab, I still go to NA meetings, and I've been as dedicated I can to recovery and becoming a more spiritual person - and it took EVERY ounce of will power in me, everything I learned in rehab, and everything I've gained in this journey of recovery, to not take that bottle and spend the next couple days in a drug induced euphoria. I literally stayed in that bathroom for 10 minutes debating it, and several times I was convinced I was going to do it.
It is absolutely crazy how insidious this disease is. It scares the sh*t out of me, because I'm not sure there will ever be a day that I don't react to drugs in that way. I can only control how I deal with that initial reaction. I've invested so much damn time and effort into recovery, and have built up some solid clean time, and my addict brain was willing to throw it all away just like that, just for a temporary high.
Sitting here now I am happy I was tested like this and I've never been prouder of myself. I could've taken the pills and nobody would've known. I could've lied to everyone and kept my clean date. But I did it for myself, and for those that love me and have supported me. My recovery work payed off, for TODAY. I believe these are make or break moments and they only strengthen us.
Hope this can help someone - if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, just run the other way. It's not f*cking worth it.
I went through rehab, I still go to NA meetings, and I've been as dedicated I can to recovery and becoming a more spiritual person - and it took EVERY ounce of will power in me, everything I learned in rehab, and everything I've gained in this journey of recovery, to not take that bottle and spend the next couple days in a drug induced euphoria. I literally stayed in that bathroom for 10 minutes debating it, and several times I was convinced I was going to do it.
It is absolutely crazy how insidious this disease is. It scares the sh*t out of me, because I'm not sure there will ever be a day that I don't react to drugs in that way. I can only control how I deal with that initial reaction. I've invested so much damn time and effort into recovery, and have built up some solid clean time, and my addict brain was willing to throw it all away just like that, just for a temporary high.
Sitting here now I am happy I was tested like this and I've never been prouder of myself. I could've taken the pills and nobody would've known. I could've lied to everyone and kept my clean date. But I did it for myself, and for those that love me and have supported me. My recovery work payed off, for TODAY. I believe these are make or break moments and they only strengthen us.
Hope this can help someone - if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, just run the other way. It's not f*cking worth it.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Sacramento, California
Posts: 42
Stride34, I am so happy for you, and proud of you if I can say that too, that you didn't swipe the pills! Wow! That's HUGE! Be proud my friend, you've really turned a corner! My sobriety date is June 6 and I don't know if I could've handled that. I am impressed and inspired by your strength! Thanks for posting!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
I think the fact that you stared temptation in the face, and stared it down, is actually a very good thing Stride.
My drug of choice was alcohol, but I know about temptation - alcohol is everywhere, and easily obtainable.
I can honestly say though it's been years now since I last had that kind of internal dialogue with myself.
I'm still very respectful of things that would get me high, but I don't fear them - I've worked hard to be where I am and who I am.
Whatever your recovery template is, I really believe we can move on, we do change and we really can and do 'get better'
congratulations today, Stride
D
My drug of choice was alcohol, but I know about temptation - alcohol is everywhere, and easily obtainable.
I can honestly say though it's been years now since I last had that kind of internal dialogue with myself.
I'm still very respectful of things that would get me high, but I don't fear them - I've worked hard to be where I am and who I am.
Whatever your recovery template is, I really believe we can move on, we do change and we really can and do 'get better'
congratulations today, Stride
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
Oh I remember those days. For the first six months I never went into bathrooms in other peoples homes. It did limit me for a bit, but I just couldn't put myself in that position.
I'm so glad that you walked away.
I'm so glad that you walked away.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
I'm to a point now in my recovery where I don't think about it all the time anymore. I can go out to a bar and not think about leaving the bar to find dope. I can get paid and it's not the only thing on my mind when I have money in my pocket.
I"ve even lost the will to get high anymore. It's just not appealing to me right now. Not saying it will always be like that, i hope it will but that's just where i am now. I kno w it's not going to solve anything, it's going to make things worse..
right now i'm dealing with "getting my life back". my birthday (real one) is friday and this will be hopefully the first year in some years that i wasn't high as a kite on my birthday. I'm just now really starting to see the extent of the damage I had done to myself with the drug use. I'm blind as a damn bat and I just got contacts for the first time in 2 years Thursday and I mean like, -3.50, -2.75 vision. the hell you going to spend 200 dollars on an eye test and contacts when you can buy CRACK! Crack use let me slip out of shape, sopmeone who used to bench 250 and squat damn near 400 pounds no more than 2 years ago (while still being able to comfortably fit into a 32 size jeans and at times a 30), not even that, now is 5'8 and probably 205-210 pounds, and not good weight either. Just now getting a gym membership again this week. I went and paid for an oil change for the first time in my adult life yesterday lol. I have a tooth that came out while smoking crack and I have to get a venneer put in there. I can't even smile at people.
my point in saying all that is, it's going to be some tough times. I don't even nlike physically looking at myself right now because physically i'm a shell of what i used to be, and sometimes that hurts. But don't let it hurt enough to go use and make it worse. to FIX the issue you bust your ass in the gym and eat right.'
your problems are not going to go away because you are clean, to the contarary, this is the first time you actually will have to deal with your problems.
I"ve even lost the will to get high anymore. It's just not appealing to me right now. Not saying it will always be like that, i hope it will but that's just where i am now. I kno w it's not going to solve anything, it's going to make things worse..
right now i'm dealing with "getting my life back". my birthday (real one) is friday and this will be hopefully the first year in some years that i wasn't high as a kite on my birthday. I'm just now really starting to see the extent of the damage I had done to myself with the drug use. I'm blind as a damn bat and I just got contacts for the first time in 2 years Thursday and I mean like, -3.50, -2.75 vision. the hell you going to spend 200 dollars on an eye test and contacts when you can buy CRACK! Crack use let me slip out of shape, sopmeone who used to bench 250 and squat damn near 400 pounds no more than 2 years ago (while still being able to comfortably fit into a 32 size jeans and at times a 30), not even that, now is 5'8 and probably 205-210 pounds, and not good weight either. Just now getting a gym membership again this week. I went and paid for an oil change for the first time in my adult life yesterday lol. I have a tooth that came out while smoking crack and I have to get a venneer put in there. I can't even smile at people.
my point in saying all that is, it's going to be some tough times. I don't even nlike physically looking at myself right now because physically i'm a shell of what i used to be, and sometimes that hurts. But don't let it hurt enough to go use and make it worse. to FIX the issue you bust your ass in the gym and eat right.'
your problems are not going to go away because you are clean, to the contarary, this is the first time you actually will have to deal with your problems.
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