itsnowornever

in retrospect it's going to be the demise of it. I think it's somewhat normal for people who are early on in their recovery to be all about their recovery. I must be honest and say that these days all I want to do is work and exercise. As any addict knows an idle mind is indeed the devils workshop. I'm pumping along and I feel pretty good but when I told my girlfriend I didn't want any alcohol around either anymore she got very irritated with me. MY NAME IS KEVIN AND I'M A RECOVERING OXY ADDICT. I've never really had a major problem with alcohol but since I'm taking my physical and mental health very serious I figured why even mess with the stuff. Long story short, last night she told me liked me better when I was drunk and high. I thought getting clean and putting my life back together would be good for us but I can already see where this is most likely headed. The saddest part is that I'm not even so sure I care anymore. My recovery is the number one thing in my life right now and for today I will remain sober. Ran 4 miles this morning before work and I'm going to try and do another 4 tonight. I'm training for one of those mud run things Much love and thanks to everyone who has offered support and compassion. Thank you.

FT

People get used to you as you are, and if a lover or friend has never known you sober, then the only "you" they ever knew and liked is the addicted one. There may be some co-addiction going on here.

Anyone who tells you they like you better drunk and high is not someone you want in your life, at least if you want to lead a sober one.

I would ran fast the other direction, even though that may hurt if you are attached.

If this is a long term relationship, there is still a lot of assessment that needs doing here, maybe couples counseling.

Good luck, and congrats on your clean time!

FT

CarolD

Hmmm....
the oddest thing happened to me in early recovery...the man I thought was so atractive and interesting ...turned out to not be so when I quit...

My goal of a sober lifestyle did not mesh with his plans. He survived....and I've thrived in recovery...

Glad you are keeping in positive focus.....

FNB3

I'm a fan of your mindset. Recovery and sobriety need to be first and foremost. I don't know how old you are but I can imagine it's possible that you will have several relationships and partners in life. I can't imagine that any would work out too well before you get your relationship with yourself on solid footing. Heck, like CarolID said, you may figure out that what you desire from a partner now is completely different than what the sober you wants. That scenario is likely.

I also recommend trying to empathize with your current partner and what they are going through and what their perceptions of the whole thing may be. Maybe she has a negative perception of those in recovery and doesn't know much about it? Maybe because of that perception, she feels bad about herself that she is with someone in recovery? Who knows? Just understand that anything is possible and don't let anything derail your sobriety.

Kjell

Hi IKON-

I found out that once I stopped drinking and drugging, I was still left with me.

...and guess what? It turned out I was my own problem the whole time.

It took a lot of hard work on my part (all 12 steps of AA with a sponsor, 4 months of outpatient therapy, and coming on here to SR) to get myself into a sober, healthy, state of mind.

Once I did that, everything else sort of fell into place. Or maybe...just maybe I changed so my whole world changed too.

Kjell~

itsnowornever

Thank you for all the feedback. It's so hard because I don't want to lose her but I refuse to let anything derail my most important task I have ever faced and that is staying sober. I am 34 with a very good job, nice house, nice cars etc but I came dangerously close to losing it all and nothing is getting in the way of my sobriety. Again, much love and thanks for all the support and valued input. Thank you.

HappyAlone

My past situation may not translate to yours, and I think the biggest difference was that my ex was also an addict (and may still be suffering). I actually survived for several months in the beginning surrounded by my usual "friends" who constantly used and abused. That was probably the worst part of my life, especially because I failed to help them.

I think you realize what is most important - but also know that an ultimate or absolute decision may be extremely selfish. And if that is the route you choose, it will suck for a long time. (It still does for me, years later.) In fact, it has affected my life so much so that I sometimes have deep regret.

But then I tell myself: If she really does love you, loves your soul, she will change with you and help you, and you will help her understand and make it worth it for the relationship. If you can work it out, the other side of the mountain is paradise. If she/you can't, well, you'll have to weather that mountain yourself. That paradise on the other side will be a lot different, but it is there my friend and I suggest you go for it.

tbeit

When I first started going around AA 23 yrs ago I had a very wize sponser he said "this has to be a selfish program" I didnt understand what he meant. thats why it took me another 20 yrs to get it. In the first year of recovery I needed to be all about me. I was and am still married luckily my wife understood I needed to work on myself and after much therapy we have made it through unfortunatly we are not the norm. You seem to be going in the right direction trust the process.

Threshold

I was married 25 years. The last two years my disease of addiction played out as substance abuse, prior to that it manifested in a variety of desparate behaviors, mindsets and band aid uses of people, places and things to try to fill the hole in my soul.

I got clean, joined NA and am in recovery, learning to live sober. I thought that would save the marriage. I thought he would see the hope that I saw, now that I was in recovery. I hoped he would love the sober me.

It didn't work out. I do not know if that is because too much water had gone under the bridge and he was just tired. Or if he didn't believe I would stick with recovery/sobriety. Or maybe codependency was such a large part of our relationship, that even though he liked aspects of sober me, he no longer knew how to "dance" with me. At least as an addict, I was predictable...ALWAYS nuts.

I wanted the relationship to work. I wanted to "cash in" on all the hopes, wishes, dreams and hard work of a lifetime together. I wanted to grow old together, travel, watch the grandkids grow, hold hands with the mate of my life. But it's no longer an option.

I am not going to put more energy into trying to hang on to a relationship than I am in living sober. Part of my addiction WAS to that relationship, and looking back I see decades of me trying to do anything to placate him because I was terrified of losing him. Now that i have lost it, a lot of the desparation has lifted. I can focus on my recovery, because I am not trying to please someone who is not inclined to be please.

I have freedom. I can find new and different relationships that honor and respect who I am today. I am finding people who love me for me, and are able and willing to have me be something other than a specific role I fill in their life.

I am not glad my marriage is over, but I am willing to see the opportunities that I have because I am on my own now. And at this stage of my recovery, it actually is a good thing.

FT

Threshold,

You have a very healthy attitude, and that will take you a long, long way. It is wonderful to hear you view your freedom for what it is, a doorway to a new life where your relationships have a better chance at being long lasting and mutually beneficial ones.

Fortunately, my marriage survived not just my current recovery, but my two prior ones. I can't say it would survive another one. We fought more during my addiction than at any other time in our lives, even over kids, sex, and money -- the usual top big 3. My husband was so against my using, and so angry at me ALL THE TIME while I was addicted, he took the difficulties of my withdrawal in stride and stuck it out with me. Only recently is he reaping the benefits of that, a nicer version of the me that was addicted to oxys.

So, congratulations on your recovery. I hope you continue to share your good attitude with others, who sometimes let the history of a lost relationship break them down. Those who learn from experience and use that experience as a tool to grow and move on, have the best chance of happiness and success in the future. My guess is that when you find another relationship, it will be the best one you have ever had in your life.

Hang on and keep going.

FT