Still Fighting 3 years later
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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Still Fighting 3 years later
I have been completely sober for 3 years this coming October. When I finally hit rock bottom and broke down, my only choice to get well was to leave everyone behind. I tried for the first year to bring my friends along with me, but in the end the various methods I used not only did not work, but backfired. The three closest people in my life - two lifelong friends and their sister who was my fiancée at the time - resented me and to this day I occasionally hear bad news once in a while through the grapevine about their lives still poisoned with crime, drugs and alcohol.
Almost every day I think about my past life. I would never, ever trade what I have become - successful and sober - for my past unhealthy habits and relationships. Even now thinking about speed-balling everyday, dropping acid every weekend, stealing and lying, and bragging about the wall of empty whiskey bottles makes me so sick to my stomach it is infinitely worse than my worst days as an addict.
But I am alone and have been for a few years. No girlfriends or meaningful friendships. I exercise, stay educated, and work at a job I love, but I am a loner. In the beginning it was a necessary evil to isolate myself and I credit this decision for being the primary reason I was able to put the pieces of my life back together. I am afraid though, that this decision, combined with damage I believe I caused my brain with drugs (and the poisonous relationships I maintained), has altered my personality in a way which makes it very, very difficult to trust anyone. I am relatively content but so distant. I want to love and be loved, get married and have kids. But I just can't burst through what I believe is the very last barrier built by my past addiction and resulting recovery. I want to trust, to let someone in, but I just can't. Does anyone know these feelings? How do I finally move on and trust again?? Thank you so much for reading and/or replying. I really appreciate it.
Almost every day I think about my past life. I would never, ever trade what I have become - successful and sober - for my past unhealthy habits and relationships. Even now thinking about speed-balling everyday, dropping acid every weekend, stealing and lying, and bragging about the wall of empty whiskey bottles makes me so sick to my stomach it is infinitely worse than my worst days as an addict.
But I am alone and have been for a few years. No girlfriends or meaningful friendships. I exercise, stay educated, and work at a job I love, but I am a loner. In the beginning it was a necessary evil to isolate myself and I credit this decision for being the primary reason I was able to put the pieces of my life back together. I am afraid though, that this decision, combined with damage I believe I caused my brain with drugs (and the poisonous relationships I maintained), has altered my personality in a way which makes it very, very difficult to trust anyone. I am relatively content but so distant. I want to love and be loved, get married and have kids. But I just can't burst through what I believe is the very last barrier built by my past addiction and resulting recovery. I want to trust, to let someone in, but I just can't. Does anyone know these feelings? How do I finally move on and trust again?? Thank you so much for reading and/or replying. I really appreciate it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi HappyAlone:
For what it's worth, you may have needed the past two and three quarters years to heal and become a person who is whole enough to even consider a relationship.
Only a whole, healthy person is really ready to form a whole, healthy relationship, hopefully with another person equally healthy and ready. After a life you just described, how much time would you imagine it takes to heal from that? To become accustomed to a life free of the things that once controlled you instead of your being in control of your life.
Just think about it, and reflect on all the phases of change that have brought you to where you are today. If you do that, my guess is that you will see it really has taken this long. It may be that you are still not ready. Just imagine what you would have risked putting another person through if you took on a relationship before you were ready. You may have ended up with a co-dependent person who would rely on being that to you and not so invested in your completing the healing process.
You sound like a really level headed and thoughtful guy. Believe me, women want that a lot more than they want flashy cars, big egos, and a guy that is all hat, no cattle. (see Randy Newman song)
I don't know how you feel about counseling, but this would seem to be a good time to find someone good you can just reflect on your life with, and hit a mental balance. In the process, find things you love to do and do them. Put yourself in places where other people are doing those things. It is only natural that you will find another person in one of those places, which are so much better than bars and the like to hook up.
Don't give up.
FT
For what it's worth, you may have needed the past two and three quarters years to heal and become a person who is whole enough to even consider a relationship.
Only a whole, healthy person is really ready to form a whole, healthy relationship, hopefully with another person equally healthy and ready. After a life you just described, how much time would you imagine it takes to heal from that? To become accustomed to a life free of the things that once controlled you instead of your being in control of your life.
Just think about it, and reflect on all the phases of change that have brought you to where you are today. If you do that, my guess is that you will see it really has taken this long. It may be that you are still not ready. Just imagine what you would have risked putting another person through if you took on a relationship before you were ready. You may have ended up with a co-dependent person who would rely on being that to you and not so invested in your completing the healing process.
You sound like a really level headed and thoughtful guy. Believe me, women want that a lot more than they want flashy cars, big egos, and a guy that is all hat, no cattle. (see Randy Newman song)
I don't know how you feel about counseling, but this would seem to be a good time to find someone good you can just reflect on your life with, and hit a mental balance. In the process, find things you love to do and do them. Put yourself in places where other people are doing those things. It is only natural that you will find another person in one of those places, which are so much better than bars and the like to hook up.
Don't give up.
FT
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Congratulations on your sobriety. That is not an easy thing. I wish I had some advice for you.... the only thing I know of is inclusion(for example the ability to let people into your space). Sounds like you want inclusion, but it makes you uncomfortable at the same time.
I am sorry I cannot come up with anything better. I know I am a very shy person, and people often comment on how quiet I am, and that really annoys me. But that is just the way I am. I have a boyfriend, but I cringe every time he invites me to his family's for some event. I automatically start thinking of all these terrible things, like they don't like me, etc. and how long will we have to stay, and now I just refuse to go at all. I make up excuses. But I too am a loner, sorry I cannot be of much help. lol
I am sorry I cannot come up with anything better. I know I am a very shy person, and people often comment on how quiet I am, and that really annoys me. But that is just the way I am. I have a boyfriend, but I cringe every time he invites me to his family's for some event. I automatically start thinking of all these terrible things, like they don't like me, etc. and how long will we have to stay, and now I just refuse to go at all. I make up excuses. But I too am a loner, sorry I cannot be of much help. lol
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Thank you so much for the replies
k22 - just to hear a common humanity is help. Thanks and all the best to you.
taper - you're right, even if I am reluctant to say so. Kind of ironic, I want so bad to move on, or at least reach the final, but maybe I need to patient. Pretty tough, though.
I should mention that, for the most part, I did not seek out the proper channels during my recovery (i.e., support groups and therapy). I wish I had, because it would have been great (and easier) to share and survive with others... but I was too stubborn at the time, and as I mentioned I feel like I can't just open up and let people into my life.
As for counseling, I have never been able to afford it. I guess it sounds like an easy excuse, even now as type it - I know that I need it - and maybe I should stop thinking I can do it on my own and realize that a professional listener is needed. I guess this is part of my problem of isolation and distancing - I would feel very strange talking to a stranger about my life. But it might be my only option to just get it all out for relief. Thanks.
k22 - just to hear a common humanity is help. Thanks and all the best to you.
taper - you're right, even if I am reluctant to say so. Kind of ironic, I want so bad to move on, or at least reach the final, but maybe I need to patient. Pretty tough, though.
I should mention that, for the most part, I did not seek out the proper channels during my recovery (i.e., support groups and therapy). I wish I had, because it would have been great (and easier) to share and survive with others... but I was too stubborn at the time, and as I mentioned I feel like I can't just open up and let people into my life.
As for counseling, I have never been able to afford it. I guess it sounds like an easy excuse, even now as type it - I know that I need it - and maybe I should stop thinking I can do it on my own and realize that a professional listener is needed. I guess this is part of my problem of isolation and distancing - I would feel very strange talking to a stranger about my life. But it might be my only option to just get it all out for relief. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi Happy (I'll leave the "alone" off for now):
It's funny I should advise counseling when I hate it so much for myself. I don't know whether depression is part of your issues, but I had a terrible bout with it about 8 years ago. I desperately tried to find a counselor I liked, and I had to pay for it myself so it was a frustrating exercise. I went to several that just made me mad. One was called "Venus and Mars" counseling. Give me a break. It's based on the damn book, and I found it just stupid. Others, like cognitive behavior counseling, were based on good ideas, but I found the counselors patronizing. I almost gave up until I found someone who I clicked with, but I still think I helped myself more than she helped me.
Along the way, a simple book helped me more than anything else. No, not the Bible, not for me. It was a book called "Worry" by Hallowell, which you can get on Amazon pretty cheap. I usually hate self help books, too, but this one is based on not just the psychological but practical reasons that excessive worry leads to depression. I didn't really think I was "worried" per se, but the book helped me to understand that I was not "damaged goods" and could actually come out of my depression. I require logic for something to work, so this worked for me. It is an inexpensive risk, if you care to check it out.
I also did not do the support groups. As much as I spout my mouth off here, I don't like groups of people, preferring them one on one. But a lot of people find help with NA.
I still think you should forget the relationships for the time being and focus on doing things you love. If you can't think of any, start with a simple community college course on something you would never take towards your job interests. Find out what you love to do. Then start doing it. It is amazing how love and relationships find you without your even trying, when you are doing something that interests you. Women are drawn to a guy that has interests and is not just pursuing them. Believe me.
Ft
It's funny I should advise counseling when I hate it so much for myself. I don't know whether depression is part of your issues, but I had a terrible bout with it about 8 years ago. I desperately tried to find a counselor I liked, and I had to pay for it myself so it was a frustrating exercise. I went to several that just made me mad. One was called "Venus and Mars" counseling. Give me a break. It's based on the damn book, and I found it just stupid. Others, like cognitive behavior counseling, were based on good ideas, but I found the counselors patronizing. I almost gave up until I found someone who I clicked with, but I still think I helped myself more than she helped me.
Along the way, a simple book helped me more than anything else. No, not the Bible, not for me. It was a book called "Worry" by Hallowell, which you can get on Amazon pretty cheap. I usually hate self help books, too, but this one is based on not just the psychological but practical reasons that excessive worry leads to depression. I didn't really think I was "worried" per se, but the book helped me to understand that I was not "damaged goods" and could actually come out of my depression. I require logic for something to work, so this worked for me. It is an inexpensive risk, if you care to check it out.
I also did not do the support groups. As much as I spout my mouth off here, I don't like groups of people, preferring them one on one. But a lot of people find help with NA.
I still think you should forget the relationships for the time being and focus on doing things you love. If you can't think of any, start with a simple community college course on something you would never take towards your job interests. Find out what you love to do. Then start doing it. It is amazing how love and relationships find you without your even trying, when you are doing something that interests you. Women are drawn to a guy that has interests and is not just pursuing them. Believe me.
Ft
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Hi there,
Here in Asheville, they have a counseling place that works on a sliding scale. I went and it only cost me 10 dollars a session, unfortunately I thought the counselor dude was weird. But I could have ask to speak with another person, I just did not follow through. They may have something like that in your area, and if you get somebody weird, just don't go back, or ask for someone else. LOl
Kelly
Here in Asheville, they have a counseling place that works on a sliding scale. I went and it only cost me 10 dollars a session, unfortunately I thought the counselor dude was weird. But I could have ask to speak with another person, I just did not follow through. They may have something like that in your area, and if you get somebody weird, just don't go back, or ask for someone else. LOl
Kelly
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Thought about it a lot yesterday, during my usual solitary Saturday routine (and I appreciate your coaxing my psyche). I can't believe I didn't recognize it before... and it is probably a symptom of this delayed realization... I am scared to death that I have become independent and solitary to the point of selfishness and possibly to a form of passive narcissism. I have worked on and with myself for so long, and, although a good portion of my job requires regularly helping others, I really have not had to worry or care for anyone else.
I do actively engage in activities I love, but most of these activities naturally do not involve others and either exercise related or thrill-seeking (an adrenaline rush being a safe, fun alternative to narcotics use). I occasionally cross paths and meet others with similar interests and personalities, but the same issues I mentioned earlier reign supreme - keep everyone at arms length and deflect any attempts to delve into my personal life.
I hope that my singular, self-focused healing process has not permanently eclipsed my ability to embrace another human with love or even just friendship. I am so used to my life with just me. Am I even able to make and maintain a relationship... will I ever be? Thanks all for the replies and genuine advice.
I do actively engage in activities I love, but most of these activities naturally do not involve others and either exercise related or thrill-seeking (an adrenaline rush being a safe, fun alternative to narcotics use). I occasionally cross paths and meet others with similar interests and personalities, but the same issues I mentioned earlier reign supreme - keep everyone at arms length and deflect any attempts to delve into my personal life.
I hope that my singular, self-focused healing process has not permanently eclipsed my ability to embrace another human with love or even just friendship. I am so used to my life with just me. Am I even able to make and maintain a relationship... will I ever be? Thanks all for the replies and genuine advice.
*Grateful*
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Happy Alone,
I loved your honest post. I know for me I can slip back into isolation very easily. I am a recovering meth, opiates and compulsive overeater. For me the only thing that did work was reading the bible. It really got me out of self (narsisscism) and changed my thinking for the better.
another thing that helped me was I learned it was not my job to second guess others and their motives. I mean proceeding with caution of course but not being overly suspicious of others was not my job. I left it up to my higher power. I learned that as a woman in recovery I did have the tendency to over think what others are thinking as well. I just cannot do that today. I had to learn to take others at face value. I have been set free.
Reading the Bible I generally started reading the gospels in the gospel of john and read one chapter a day.
There is a whole life out there for you to start living! Pray and ask your higher power to reveal his perfect plan for your life, he will gladly show you. Proverbs says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I pray that your desires become a reality!
blessings, Lily (sheila)
I loved your honest post. I know for me I can slip back into isolation very easily. I am a recovering meth, opiates and compulsive overeater. For me the only thing that did work was reading the bible. It really got me out of self (narsisscism) and changed my thinking for the better.
another thing that helped me was I learned it was not my job to second guess others and their motives. I mean proceeding with caution of course but not being overly suspicious of others was not my job. I left it up to my higher power. I learned that as a woman in recovery I did have the tendency to over think what others are thinking as well. I just cannot do that today. I had to learn to take others at face value. I have been set free.
Reading the Bible I generally started reading the gospels in the gospel of john and read one chapter a day.
There is a whole life out there for you to start living! Pray and ask your higher power to reveal his perfect plan for your life, he will gladly show you. Proverbs says Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. I pray that your desires become a reality!
blessings, Lily (sheila)
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
I am not at all religious, and yet I am one of the most spiritual people I know. I am not an atheist, by the way. I was raised Catholic but fled the church at age 18. I have not found a religion since then that does fail under scrutiny, but I am still seeking. Some of the eastern philosophies come the closest.
I only mention that here because there are a lot of us here who do not intend to "get Jesus". Ever.
Happy, sometimes you have to approach socializing like a job, like you mean it, like your life depends on it. As foreign as it now is to you, force yourself to go to some interest groups, book readings, field trips put on by the college, fly fishing classes, ANYTHING. So what if you don't like it? You can always quit going.
What do you have to lose? You go to your job because your life depends on it, and if you don't want to die alone, you may have to do somethings that you find uncomfortable at first.
Like I said to you before, you weren't ready in addiction, and you have come a LONG way. Now that you are healthier and more whole as a human being, it is time to get out of your "new" comfort zone and hit the world running. It really may grow on you. Seriously.
FT
I only mention that here because there are a lot of us here who do not intend to "get Jesus". Ever.
Happy, sometimes you have to approach socializing like a job, like you mean it, like your life depends on it. As foreign as it now is to you, force yourself to go to some interest groups, book readings, field trips put on by the college, fly fishing classes, ANYTHING. So what if you don't like it? You can always quit going.
What do you have to lose? You go to your job because your life depends on it, and if you don't want to die alone, you may have to do somethings that you find uncomfortable at first.
Like I said to you before, you weren't ready in addiction, and you have come a LONG way. Now that you are healthier and more whole as a human being, it is time to get out of your "new" comfort zone and hit the world running. It really may grow on you. Seriously.
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 15
Lily - I have never been too keen on the bible, and I will refrain from explanation. I respect your advice and appreciate you reaching out. There definitely are a few nuggets of wisdom from Christianity that can help anyone in the right context.
taper - Socializing in general never came naturally to me, but I've never had to do it from scratch, as it seems I will have to do now. I even try the online dating scene, and it's kind of silly to say the least. I will try to be a little more open, but I am terrified of the inevitable moment when an observation or personal quirk about my life can only be explained by revealing my past. I guess those who won't understand are not worth it, and maybe the one person who does will be the one. HA, at least I hope. Thanks again to all - -
taper - Socializing in general never came naturally to me, but I've never had to do it from scratch, as it seems I will have to do now. I even try the online dating scene, and it's kind of silly to say the least. I will try to be a little more open, but I am terrified of the inevitable moment when an observation or personal quirk about my life can only be explained by revealing my past. I guess those who won't understand are not worth it, and maybe the one person who does will be the one. HA, at least I hope. Thanks again to all - -
Dopeless Hope Fiend
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: anchorage Alaska
Posts: 2,741
I really like what you said. It can be a really lonely place . I heard someone say once in a meeting that no one knows loneliness like the alcoholic addict. Usually we are using to fill that loneliness spot we all seem to have to begin with. And I totally agree with you about our "mental twists"...I have had brief "relationships" in recovery and they have been difficult...and anxiety producing! BUT we press on and continue to take risks occasionally to develop meaningful relationships..not just with a partner but friends and others. I work in a field where I have learned alot about mental health challenges that are common in us human beins..especially those recovering from addiction, criminal lifestyle ect...its been very freeing to be able to walk through hard times with a little dignity and grace ...it is very worth the struggle and fight to get your life back and be able to LIVE. By all rights I should be dead or in prison but I get to be a part of today instead of apart from...and that my friend..has only been possible with the amazing mercy of a higher power of my particular understanding!
Great work you are doingn on yourself..hell you should feel proud!! Share your story..that helps fill that spot too.
Love norty
Great work you are doingn on yourself..hell you should feel proud!! Share your story..that helps fill that spot too.
Love norty
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