Need to Get This Out...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Palmer, Alaska
Posts: 7
Need to Get This Out...
Hey Everyone
I've finally had enough. I need help. I'm glad I found this site.
Ive been using cocaine since I was 18. Usually binges, but eventually it got to be a regular thing.. ever other day or so. There was a time, when I slowed down quite a bit.. but i dont think can say that I ever really quit. I am now 27 years old and have for the last year or so, quickly fallen back into a bad coke habit.
I am now married, and my wife works nights as a nurse. Makes it real easy to sneak out and pick up a little pow. Most of the time I do it alone.. but occasionally get together with a few buddies to rail it up for an evening. Last night was one of those nights....
I'm also pretty bad about mixing with alcohol. Usually use it to put myself out without enduring that damn comedown... It is also a major trigger... as soon as I have a few drinks, i can justify picking up some stuff a lot more easily.
Money is quickly disappearing and I have no way to explain it... I do all the finances but my wife can tell when the savings is not accumulating. The worst part is we are supposed to be saving a house and possibly starting a family. The only reason we are not now in a house is because of my habit. Thats the ONLY reason.
I want to tell my wife, but I think she would lose it. She has almost no experience with drug use so it would be huge to have her find out that thats where all the money is going and why we dont have a house... because i've secretly spent thousands of dollars over the last 2 years on cheap thrills...
I feel so horrible, so guilty. I mean, how could any decent person continue to make the same bad decision - when its directly affecting the one they love... Im also feeling the physical effects(nose isn't working so well anymore)... my work performance is slipping... its just ruining my entire life. Again.
I know I can kick this habit, but I just havent had the willpower to do so. Starting today, I'm gonna change that. You all have inspired me and reminded me that it is possible. Thanks for that. Now comes the hard part...
I've finally had enough. I need help. I'm glad I found this site.
Ive been using cocaine since I was 18. Usually binges, but eventually it got to be a regular thing.. ever other day or so. There was a time, when I slowed down quite a bit.. but i dont think can say that I ever really quit. I am now 27 years old and have for the last year or so, quickly fallen back into a bad coke habit.
I am now married, and my wife works nights as a nurse. Makes it real easy to sneak out and pick up a little pow. Most of the time I do it alone.. but occasionally get together with a few buddies to rail it up for an evening. Last night was one of those nights....
I'm also pretty bad about mixing with alcohol. Usually use it to put myself out without enduring that damn comedown... It is also a major trigger... as soon as I have a few drinks, i can justify picking up some stuff a lot more easily.
Money is quickly disappearing and I have no way to explain it... I do all the finances but my wife can tell when the savings is not accumulating. The worst part is we are supposed to be saving a house and possibly starting a family. The only reason we are not now in a house is because of my habit. Thats the ONLY reason.
I want to tell my wife, but I think she would lose it. She has almost no experience with drug use so it would be huge to have her find out that thats where all the money is going and why we dont have a house... because i've secretly spent thousands of dollars over the last 2 years on cheap thrills...
I feel so horrible, so guilty. I mean, how could any decent person continue to make the same bad decision - when its directly affecting the one they love... Im also feeling the physical effects(nose isn't working so well anymore)... my work performance is slipping... its just ruining my entire life. Again.
I know I can kick this habit, but I just havent had the willpower to do so. Starting today, I'm gonna change that. You all have inspired me and reminded me that it is possible. Thanks for that. Now comes the hard part...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community...
I was not married when I was an active alcoholic and I stayed single by choice in recovery. So ...I have no experience on spousal issues to share.
I can absolutely say that quitting drinking and committing to the AA program has given me a fantastic new way of thinking and living..
I use AA because that was my drug of choice...and the only one I was addicted to. NA and CA might suit your needs better.
All my best to the two of you
I was not married when I was an active alcoholic and I stayed single by choice in recovery. So ...I have no experience on spousal issues to share.
I can absolutely say that quitting drinking and committing to the AA program has given me a fantastic new way of thinking and living..
I use AA because that was my drug of choice...and the only one I was addicted to. NA and CA might suit your needs better.
All my best to the two of you
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Hi Badhabit,
I am in a very similar spot. My problem was(is) Oxy. I've spent about $800 a month on drugs for the past two years. For the first time in our 16 year marriage we have a credit card balance. And $10,000 at that. It's all drugs. My wife doesn't know I've been doing this and she would leave me if she did. I finally quit cold turkey four days ago. I feel like $hit! But I am committed to staying sober and paying off this card. It's too early for me to say if keeping my secret is a good idea or not. I do believe that deception is poison to a relationship. I feel so guilty about stealing from our finances and deceiving my wife. But at this point I feel like I'm forced to keep my secret. As an addict and a liar I have no place to give advice, but I would say ....... QUIT TAKING DRUGS! I wish I had never started, but I did and now I have to live with the consequences. Good luck to you, you are not alone.
I am in a very similar spot. My problem was(is) Oxy. I've spent about $800 a month on drugs for the past two years. For the first time in our 16 year marriage we have a credit card balance. And $10,000 at that. It's all drugs. My wife doesn't know I've been doing this and she would leave me if she did. I finally quit cold turkey four days ago. I feel like $hit! But I am committed to staying sober and paying off this card. It's too early for me to say if keeping my secret is a good idea or not. I do believe that deception is poison to a relationship. I feel so guilty about stealing from our finances and deceiving my wife. But at this point I feel like I'm forced to keep my secret. As an addict and a liar I have no place to give advice, but I would say ....... QUIT TAKING DRUGS! I wish I had never started, but I did and now I have to live with the consequences. Good luck to you, you are not alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Palmer, Alaska
Posts: 7
Well - I removed all numbers related to anyone I know I can get stuff from from my phone, address books & e-mail accounts.
It wont be hard to separate myself from friends that use, for the most part I use alone. Still, like I said, I now have no way of contacting them.
I'm a little worried about the drinking.. I mean, most of the time I REALLY drink is so i can fall asleep. I do however enjoy a few drinks some nights.. mostly beer. I think that it will be a good roadblock not being able to just call someone to get hooked-up at a moments notice. I know i'll try, and when the contact information is gone, I will be forced to think all over again about just what my goals are.
It wont be hard to separate myself from friends that use, for the most part I use alone. Still, like I said, I now have no way of contacting them.
I'm a little worried about the drinking.. I mean, most of the time I REALLY drink is so i can fall asleep. I do however enjoy a few drinks some nights.. mostly beer. I think that it will be a good roadblock not being able to just call someone to get hooked-up at a moments notice. I know i'll try, and when the contact information is gone, I will be forced to think all over again about just what my goals are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Palmer, Alaska
Posts: 7
You would not believe who just called out of the blue while I am sitting here at work... I should have known when the caller ID didn't show up... I cant believe this crap!!! Can I Get a break!?
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 590
Hi badhabbit. Glad you are here and I congratulate you on your decision.
I'm really not qualified to give any advice but can relate to the spouse thing. I hid vodka around the house and was drinking much more than she ever knew. I felt terrible about the deception. To make a long story short....I ended up telling her one night while in a totally drunk stupor. I guess the alcohol induce depression and the long felt guilt finally just made everything come out when I was basically "helpless" (too drunk) to fight it.
My point is that your wife will amost surely find out eventually. Whether you tell her or not is your decision but please get the help to deal with the addiction issue sooner rather than later. Being clean and sober will most certainly make your decisions and the over-all outcome better. Having her find out "the hard way".....which will eventually happen...will likely be a much rougher road.
Our addictions have consequences. Please make a sober choice to decide the best way to deal with yours. I sure wish I would have done better.
All the best to you.
I'm really not qualified to give any advice but can relate to the spouse thing. I hid vodka around the house and was drinking much more than she ever knew. I felt terrible about the deception. To make a long story short....I ended up telling her one night while in a totally drunk stupor. I guess the alcohol induce depression and the long felt guilt finally just made everything come out when I was basically "helpless" (too drunk) to fight it.
My point is that your wife will amost surely find out eventually. Whether you tell her or not is your decision but please get the help to deal with the addiction issue sooner rather than later. Being clean and sober will most certainly make your decisions and the over-all outcome better. Having her find out "the hard way".....which will eventually happen...will likely be a much rougher road.
Our addictions have consequences. Please make a sober choice to decide the best way to deal with yours. I sure wish I would have done better.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi badhabit,
I agree with happier. Your wife will almost certainly find out. I can't imagine she doesn't already suspect something is wrong.
One thing that happens when we hide our addiction from those who could be our best allies is that those very people you fear telling will be far more hurt by the fact that you did not trust them enough to ask for their help.
It may sound crazy, but you would be giving your wife one of the greatest gifts you could give her by sitting her down and talking this out with her, and telling her the truth. That gift is your trust and faith in her, that she loves you enough to stick with you through this, and that you believed her when she once made that vow to you.
This is a tough pill to swallow. Doing this in hiding is the worst thing you can do for your recovery. You can only pretend to have the flu for so long. My "flu" lasted almost a month, and then I still wasn't "better" for many more weeks. It is only at 5 months clean that I am feeling almost my old self.
I wish you luck, my friend. Keep coming back, and you will get a lot of support here.
FT
I agree with happier. Your wife will almost certainly find out. I can't imagine she doesn't already suspect something is wrong.
One thing that happens when we hide our addiction from those who could be our best allies is that those very people you fear telling will be far more hurt by the fact that you did not trust them enough to ask for their help.
It may sound crazy, but you would be giving your wife one of the greatest gifts you could give her by sitting her down and talking this out with her, and telling her the truth. That gift is your trust and faith in her, that she loves you enough to stick with you through this, and that you believed her when she once made that vow to you.
This is a tough pill to swallow. Doing this in hiding is the worst thing you can do for your recovery. You can only pretend to have the flu for so long. My "flu" lasted almost a month, and then I still wasn't "better" for many more weeks. It is only at 5 months clean that I am feeling almost my old self.
I wish you luck, my friend. Keep coming back, and you will get a lot of support here.
FT
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: florida
Posts: 16
You're off to a good start by looking at how bad this crap can be (and yet we still put it above our family and friends and ourselves). Just remember that you'll will ALWAYS be happier the next morning when you wake up guiltless and with no ATM receipts to look at.
You may want to try not drinking for a few weeks and see if that is a challenge, if it is, start addressing that.
And I agree with FailedTaper above, if your wife came to you, wouldn't you want to be there for her? And getting help is the smart way to address this type of situation; after all, look at where "helping yourself" has gotten you (and me for that matter). Her knowing might give you the strength not to let her (and yourself) down again.
Good luck,
CF
(that is kinda funny you got that call....talk about timing)
You may want to try not drinking for a few weeks and see if that is a challenge, if it is, start addressing that.
And I agree with FailedTaper above, if your wife came to you, wouldn't you want to be there for her? And getting help is the smart way to address this type of situation; after all, look at where "helping yourself" has gotten you (and me for that matter). Her knowing might give you the strength not to let her (and yourself) down again.
Good luck,
CF
(that is kinda funny you got that call....talk about timing)
Last edited by tellmewhy; 05-31-2011 at 06:19 PM. Reason: added info
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
Hey BH,
Tough road and tough choices, but making the right ones isn't always easy. Some of the best things in life take effort, like marraige and raising a family. I think if I had it all to do over again, because I was once in your spot, I would tell my now ex-wife. Then I would arrange it so only SHE had access to the money. At the time I was so afraid she was gonna waste it on shoes I spent thousands on crack.
Oh and she probably will not take it qiuetly, would you? If you have spent your life savings on coke and lost her dream I think you need to suck it up and take what ever she gives.
I wish you all the best, please stay in touch.
Larry
Tough road and tough choices, but making the right ones isn't always easy. Some of the best things in life take effort, like marraige and raising a family. I think if I had it all to do over again, because I was once in your spot, I would tell my now ex-wife. Then I would arrange it so only SHE had access to the money. At the time I was so afraid she was gonna waste it on shoes I spent thousands on crack.
Oh and she probably will not take it qiuetly, would you? If you have spent your life savings on coke and lost her dream I think you need to suck it up and take what ever she gives.
I wish you all the best, please stay in touch.
Larry
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
Welcome to the forum badhabbit.
For me to quit using drugs, I had to quit drinking. Drinking impaired my judgment -- and not just when I was drunk. It screwed with my head 24 hours a day.
Sounds like you know all of the reasons to quit. This site is a great place to get started.
For me to quit using drugs, I had to quit drinking. Drinking impaired my judgment -- and not just when I was drunk. It screwed with my head 24 hours a day.
Sounds like you know all of the reasons to quit. This site is a great place to get started.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Palmer, Alaska
Posts: 7
Doing Well
Hello-
Thank you all for posting. Just wanted to let you all know that I am still on track and feeling good. I think it will be one week tomorrow.
I think some of my problem is I just forgot that life can be fun WITHOUT drugs. I've tried to make a point of doing all the things I would have normally avoided because they would cut into my druggin' time. This has really helped out.
Hopefully next week ill be able to give another positive report. I'm very committed this time. Thank you for all the support!
Thank you all for posting. Just wanted to let you all know that I am still on track and feeling good. I think it will be one week tomorrow.
I think some of my problem is I just forgot that life can be fun WITHOUT drugs. I've tried to make a point of doing all the things I would have normally avoided because they would cut into my druggin' time. This has really helped out.
Hopefully next week ill be able to give another positive report. I'm very committed this time. Thank you for all the support!
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