Payne

I have recently found a wonderful man. He is also a ACA like me but has been doing ala teen and al anon for over a decade and is aware of his ACA-like traits, it has made it easy for us to understad eachother ad talk our way through any awkwardness. There is also very little "embarrassment" that usually comes with alcoholic parents and the way they affect us, because both understand.
However I seem to be havig a horrible time with intimacy, I have talked to him about it and he is very supportive of going very slow but I find myself even pulling away and my chest tightening during a kiss sometimes. The fight or flight instinct starts to kick in and i'm focused more on not running than I am on the action.
I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has had this problem, and how you even began to deal with it. He's a wonderful man, amazing and patient, he has told me he gets it and he truly is okay with going slow, but at this rate I'm going backwards.

Midnightfrost

Payne I have trouble with this too. Just entertaining the idea of maybe dating someone and I check out emotionally. Its been a while since I dated and a friend suggested a friend. He asked me out and I immediately withdrew. Couldn't get a complete sentence out. so frustrating! It does feel like fight or flight mode. Or maybe like dissociation. I'm watching everything happen but I'm not involved anymore. Like I'm hiding. I still haven't figured out why that happens. . .

dbh

Hi Payne,

Both my husband and I are ACA's. We've been happily married for 13 years. In the beginning of our relationship I had such a hard time truly trusting him. It was extremely hard for me to completely let my defenses down. Falling in love with him made me feel vulnerable. I was certain that I was going to get hurt.

Right from our very first date I knew he was different from the typical guy that I dated. I normally went after men who were emotionally unavailable and/or needed "fixing". Even though he comes from a dysfunctional home, he's more emotionally stable than I am. I think our similar backgrounds contributes to our compatibility though.

There were so many times that I wanted to run from our relationship because it was strangely frightening for me to be in a stable relationship with a mature man. I was so conditioned for drama and a part of me was waiting for something bad to happen. I was waiting for a crisis to occur and when it didn't happened I often tried to cause some (luckily he refused to take my bait).

I was in my 30s when we started dating and I was so used to thinking I was in complete control of my own life. When we moved in together it was hard to feel dependent on him for anything. Up until then I had met very few men that I could depend on. My alcoholic father was first in a very long line of people who had disappointed me.

About a year into our relationship I started seeing a therapist. Even though I knew I was an ACA, I didn't understand how deeply it was affecting my life.

I'm still not sure what pushed me through. I think at the time I was really driven by the desire to have something different. It also required a HUGE leap of faith on my part.

When I'm going through an emotionally challenging time, I often think to myself that "The only way out it through".

I think that's what I did, I somehow found the courage to jump and it worked out.

Wishing you strength for your recovery journey.

Best Wishes,

db

Payne

Thanks guys, its nice to hear that other people go through it too and have been able to push through. Him and I talked about going slow a couple weeks ago, and the only one pressuring me is me. I'm just getting so frustrated at myself, every time i'm out of the situation I'm good and calm and happy, the when I'm in it the panic starts. A good friend of mine told me from day one that I was scared because this is the first time I'm in a relationship that involves a healthy caring guy and there is real possibility.

Seren

And a good and caring guy will give you the time you need. Maybe be as patient with yourself and he is being with you? Trust can take some time to build.....

Payne

It's so hard and even worse when you know he's earned it but you arent mentally or emotionally capable to accept the awesomeness of it. I want to be happy buy instead i'm having panic attacks...