CheekyAngel

I started addiction counselling a while ago and im pleased to say that i am 41 days off substances (yes i still drink, but please i dont want to hear about drinking atm coz iv made HUGE improvments in that area also but im nowhere near sober). But im lying to myself because i still smoke weed/hash here and there. I used to be a chronic smoker until it began to effect my social anxiety. Now i wouldnt dare smoke it in a situation where i am anxious, only where my anxiety is very mild and when im around true friends who i can trust. My achievement is all a lie. I do not have the motivation to give the smoke up, i enjoy it, but i want to feel a real accomplishment, not a fake one.

I dont know if i want to give up smoking joints? I cant decide. Last time when i was of substances, i was off them for 63days and i was also off joints, but i never felt any different from the way i feel now; the acomplishment, so on the other hand i think whats the point? Is a bit of a debate for me.

I have seen some huge improvments towards my attitude with my social anxiety and specific phobia. I always felt defeated by it but i have been working on different mental rehearsal techniques, keeping positive and they are working for me. BUT today im having a bad day. I feel my depression creeping in, however it is late now, when i go to sleep (when i fall asleep) i will awaken tomorrow and do my best not to feel down and try to do everything within my power for this not to happen.

I honestly dont even know what the reason for making this is and i dont know here to post it either, in substances or mental health, i dont know. I dont know wether im looking for someone to give me praise about the drugs, to tell off, tell me to give the smoke up, state my anxiety step, or simply wanna type...i really dont know, but i im posting it anyway.

Dee74

Hi Cheeky

I tried sitting on the fence for years...I'd give up x and do more y, I'd cut back on the y and do more z.

The problem wasn't x y or z.
The problem was me.

whatever I was using was just keeping me in that addictive cycle where I convinced myself over and over I couldn't survive without *something* to get me high.

It's not surprising I was scared of changing - I never gave the clean and sober alternative a real chance for 20 years.

I've been completely clean and sober for over 4 years now - it is possible - and I'm happy for the first time in my adult life...I live life...not just exist,

I like who I am.

You can have that too - it takes a lot of commitment and work, but look at how hard we work to get high?

What are you doing for support these days?

D

CheekyAngel

I dont know why but as soon as i seen a reply i got a sudden burst of anxiety, anyway..

I liked your post, good explaination.

Support, well im in addiction counselling once a week which has helped me lots. I went to a psycharitrist over two weeks ago and she is refering me onto (more) CBT and exposure therapy. Other then that i dont have much support in my life. I pretty much have no-one and the few close mates i do i wouldnt burden them with my problems, its just the way ive been brought up, to be strong and i am strong but im also not. I know this is a bad patch and ill snap out of it eventully.

I keep typing things then deleting them and i dont know what to say but i feel i have soo much to say.

Im happy and proud to where i have come and the concious effort ive put in but yet it all feels like a waste. I feel like tomorrow going and getting out of it and then saying okay ill begin again and this time be without the smoke. But im not going to do that. I feel tho as far as ive come with the drugs ill find it harder to stop the smoke now.

Dunno if any of this post makes any bit of sence, my mind is everywhere...

CheekyAngel

Im logging out, i cant even think straight enogh to make a post that makes sence right now