I want off Oxy so bad
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Join Date: May 2011
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I want off Oxy so bad
All my life I felt I had a fairly good handle on the drug use vs. abuse. Having grown up in the '70s and tried a lot of different stuff drugs never interfered with being pretty successful.
I have other issues such as obesity and arthritis which causes me legitimate daily pain and up until surgery two summers ago I was coping fairly well. I'd even used opiates for back pain off & on without ever getting anywhere close to addiction. After my surgery in summer '09 I was getting frustrated by the slow healing and inability to do certain things w/o excessive pain. I knew a few people who started to offer me their "excess" oxys and once I saw how "magic" they were to get me from being basically unable to do much of anything to feeling normal and good again, and able to do heavy work around the house, yardwork & such slowly I found myself delving deeper and deeper into them.
I kept telling myself that I could step away from that slippery slope but now especially in the past 6-12 months I've fallen down hard. Now, I've read stories of people waaaay out there @ hundreds of Mg/day...I can't imagine that, especially the cost. Up until several months ago the cost wasn't a problem but now it has got there. I've spent between 500-$1200/month now for several months. It's my dirty, depressing secret and it has to stop!
I feel so ashamed....I've been averaging between 30-100 mg. a day depending on how much $$$ I have and what's available. On one hand I really want to stop, but there's also the spectre of again being in pain all the time and not even being able to walk for exercise to try to lose weight. As for work, I have a mentally demanding job and I know to some degree my Oxy fog has impacted it a bit but for the most part I'm still "keeping it together" fairly well.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't go to my Dr. because I have a legitimate script for a very small amount (I was offered more but declined, thinking I could keep to this tiny amount) which is 30 5mg/month. I can't go to My Dr. due to one of those "contracts" which I've repeated broken for over 6 months, ever since I signed it.
I guess I just need some encouragement....I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know about this. I have a lot to lose and I don't want things to get any worse. I'm in my early 50s and I know this is starting to affect my physical health, not to mention my mental health. Ugh.
I have other issues such as obesity and arthritis which causes me legitimate daily pain and up until surgery two summers ago I was coping fairly well. I'd even used opiates for back pain off & on without ever getting anywhere close to addiction. After my surgery in summer '09 I was getting frustrated by the slow healing and inability to do certain things w/o excessive pain. I knew a few people who started to offer me their "excess" oxys and once I saw how "magic" they were to get me from being basically unable to do much of anything to feeling normal and good again, and able to do heavy work around the house, yardwork & such slowly I found myself delving deeper and deeper into them.
I kept telling myself that I could step away from that slippery slope but now especially in the past 6-12 months I've fallen down hard. Now, I've read stories of people waaaay out there @ hundreds of Mg/day...I can't imagine that, especially the cost. Up until several months ago the cost wasn't a problem but now it has got there. I've spent between 500-$1200/month now for several months. It's my dirty, depressing secret and it has to stop!
I feel so ashamed....I've been averaging between 30-100 mg. a day depending on how much $$$ I have and what's available. On one hand I really want to stop, but there's also the spectre of again being in pain all the time and not even being able to walk for exercise to try to lose weight. As for work, I have a mentally demanding job and I know to some degree my Oxy fog has impacted it a bit but for the most part I'm still "keeping it together" fairly well.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't go to my Dr. because I have a legitimate script for a very small amount (I was offered more but declined, thinking I could keep to this tiny amount) which is 30 5mg/month. I can't go to My Dr. due to one of those "contracts" which I've repeated broken for over 6 months, ever since I signed it.
I guess I just need some encouragement....I don't feel like I can tell anyone I know about this. I have a lot to lose and I don't want things to get any worse. I'm in my early 50s and I know this is starting to affect my physical health, not to mention my mental health. Ugh.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi OxyMaddened.
You could be me.
I hesitate to repeat my whole story here, but I am a female late 50's who had orthopedic surgery in 2009 - two total knee replacements back to back. I had already gotten dependent on oxys before surgery due to torn knee ligaments and severe osteoarthritis. The two surgeries cinched the deal, and I got addicted. It was WONDERFUL (ha ha). I felt GOOD for the first time in a long time, I could move around, I could DO ANYTHING, including house work, take walks, and every morning I relied on my first dose of the day to get up and moving. I LOVED oxys! Until they stopped working and made me sick, which is what is happening to you.
So, the dependence turned into tolerance to the drug, so it stopped working so well anymore. Then the tolerance turns into toxicity, and I started getting sick from it. Eventually I was so sick, I would wake up earlier and earlier each day, nauseated and sweating, reaching for my dose. But I was addicted. It took two years before I finally got OFF. That was last December, and it was the best thing I ever did.
All last year, my plan was to lose 20 or 30 pounds, and then I would quit. Or, first I would taper down and quit, because I didn't REALLY need it, did I. I was convinced I had control over something I really had no control over at all.
I hope you read some of my early posts. I lied to different doctors to get my dose high enough to feel good, because no one doctor could prescribe or would prescribe what I was taking. I too violated pain contracts, one after the other, and one doctor did fire me for that.
You aren't between a rock and a hard place. You are just fooling yourself into rationalizing your addiction. You can go to your doctor and admit what you have been doing and ask him to help you get off. I couldn't do it, because I just could not taper. I would just lie again and go to another doc to get an emergency script.
Ultimately, I had to do a fast taper and cold turkey, or I would still be using now.
Get a handle on this, and make some hard decisions. I too have a very mental job, I don't get enough physical exericse, and I felt I never could off oxys. Nothing could really be further from the truth. You are still listening to your "addict brain" that will continue to tell you how to keep using. You have to stop listening and fight back. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I've been exactly where you are right this minute. Even the mental health part.
Good luck.
FT
You could be me.
I hesitate to repeat my whole story here, but I am a female late 50's who had orthopedic surgery in 2009 - two total knee replacements back to back. I had already gotten dependent on oxys before surgery due to torn knee ligaments and severe osteoarthritis. The two surgeries cinched the deal, and I got addicted. It was WONDERFUL (ha ha). I felt GOOD for the first time in a long time, I could move around, I could DO ANYTHING, including house work, take walks, and every morning I relied on my first dose of the day to get up and moving. I LOVED oxys! Until they stopped working and made me sick, which is what is happening to you.
So, the dependence turned into tolerance to the drug, so it stopped working so well anymore. Then the tolerance turns into toxicity, and I started getting sick from it. Eventually I was so sick, I would wake up earlier and earlier each day, nauseated and sweating, reaching for my dose. But I was addicted. It took two years before I finally got OFF. That was last December, and it was the best thing I ever did.
All last year, my plan was to lose 20 or 30 pounds, and then I would quit. Or, first I would taper down and quit, because I didn't REALLY need it, did I. I was convinced I had control over something I really had no control over at all.
I hope you read some of my early posts. I lied to different doctors to get my dose high enough to feel good, because no one doctor could prescribe or would prescribe what I was taking. I too violated pain contracts, one after the other, and one doctor did fire me for that.
You aren't between a rock and a hard place. You are just fooling yourself into rationalizing your addiction. You can go to your doctor and admit what you have been doing and ask him to help you get off. I couldn't do it, because I just could not taper. I would just lie again and go to another doc to get an emergency script.
Ultimately, I had to do a fast taper and cold turkey, or I would still be using now.
Get a handle on this, and make some hard decisions. I too have a very mental job, I don't get enough physical exericse, and I felt I never could off oxys. Nothing could really be further from the truth. You are still listening to your "addict brain" that will continue to tell you how to keep using. You have to stop listening and fight back. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I've been exactly where you are right this minute. Even the mental health part.
Good luck.
FT
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 11
Thanks Taper
FailedTaper is right your brain will tell you to keep using. I had to tell everybody, including my 10 year girlfriend who doesn't understand why somebody would do drugs and burn all my bridges so I could not get anymore, every single person I told was caring and kind and totally in my corner. I then went to my doctor who was giving me 120 a month and told him I was addicted and I needed two things from him. I needed to get off oxycodone because I can't stop taking them if I have them. And I told him I did not want to get real sick. he gave me 40 oxys and said to take 4 a day for 4 days and then 3 for 4 days and then 2 for 4 days and then 1 for 4. It has been 4 days since I have had a oxy. BUT YOU MUST HAVE SOMEBODY HOLD THE PILLS. It was not easy but I missed the first 1 1/2 days of work but I feel so good not having to wake up and take oxys and have 10 down by noon. I also go to meetings as this was a relapse. I am an alcoholic who was sober for 9 years. I haven't drank, but these oxys were even more devastating than alcohol was for me as I thought about oxys Morning, noon and night. I was taking between 80 and 120mg and it was going upward. I visited this site alot in my biggest moments of dispair and Failedtaper your posts helped me so much, you described me to a tee and I knew that my mind was playing with me to make me want to use. So it was comforting knowing that I just had to fight. It is sooooooooo worth quiting these wonderfully evils pellets.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Pillchaser,
Hey dude, you rock. You made some good decisions, took good steps, and you are DOING it, man. Your doc took you through a fast taper, and that probably saved you at least a little misery. You are going to find the next few days really difficult, but so worth doing. It's Wednesday, and if you can make it til the weekend, you will find you will be having more good days more frequently. The first week is the toughest. Every week past that, you mark your time. It does get better.
Even though I'm only 5 months off oxys now, it already feels like it was somebody else's life. What a nightmare, but what a sense of freedom I now have now that I no longer have to worry about when my pills are going to run out, not to mention paying for the doctor visits and juggling the lies to the various different pharmacies, etc.
Good ON ya, dude. Keep up the good fight!
FT
Hey dude, you rock. You made some good decisions, took good steps, and you are DOING it, man. Your doc took you through a fast taper, and that probably saved you at least a little misery. You are going to find the next few days really difficult, but so worth doing. It's Wednesday, and if you can make it til the weekend, you will find you will be having more good days more frequently. The first week is the toughest. Every week past that, you mark your time. It does get better.
Even though I'm only 5 months off oxys now, it already feels like it was somebody else's life. What a nightmare, but what a sense of freedom I now have now that I no longer have to worry about when my pills are going to run out, not to mention paying for the doctor visits and juggling the lies to the various different pharmacies, etc.
Good ON ya, dude. Keep up the good fight!
FT
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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I knew I couldn't do a taper successfully for more than a few days so I had to do a quick one then cold turkey. Friday will be three weeks for me and I would say that this 3rd week has been the worst. I would say that today I am finally pulling out of the funk but it's about the third time I've felt that way so I'll just say that today I feel better.
I would see your Dr immediately and if not that Dr...A Dr. I would tell as many people in your life that you can what you are going through and be honest. For me, doing that created some positive pressure to quit. Being honest isn't as complicated as we make it.
I too am facing some real future pain scenarios that really scare me. I'm looking at a double knee replacement and don't know how that will go down without drugs of if it even can. It's a shame that some of these drugs that are really helpful for some can be so destructive for others. Nobody said being drug free and sober wouldn't come at a cost. It will probably be painful at times and there may be things were limited in, but the alternative is worse.
My Pap used to have a saying about schooling and your career after but I think it's applicable here as well..."pay now or pay later, but your not getting out of paying and the longer you wait the more expensive it gets".
I would see your Dr immediately and if not that Dr...A Dr. I would tell as many people in your life that you can what you are going through and be honest. For me, doing that created some positive pressure to quit. Being honest isn't as complicated as we make it.
I too am facing some real future pain scenarios that really scare me. I'm looking at a double knee replacement and don't know how that will go down without drugs of if it even can. It's a shame that some of these drugs that are really helpful for some can be so destructive for others. Nobody said being drug free and sober wouldn't come at a cost. It will probably be painful at times and there may be things were limited in, but the alternative is worse.
My Pap used to have a saying about schooling and your career after but I think it's applicable here as well..."pay now or pay later, but your not getting out of paying and the longer you wait the more expensive it gets".
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
FNB3,
As you know, I got addicted through total knee replacements back to back, but I think my addiction could have been avoided if I knew I was at risk and had been able to plan. I would manage my postop pain very differently, had I the opportunity to do it over. I have an idea of what I will do if I need surgery again.
No one needs to suffer operatively or postop. There are ways to manage this problem. You can PM me if you want to know more about what to expect with knee replacement.
As to your 3rd week being worse. I recall that, especially in the first month, I had a run of days where I thought I had fallen back into serious withdrawals. The ups and downs were unpredictable and scared me. That sort of roller coaster effect of bad days did go away in the second month for me.
FT
As you know, I got addicted through total knee replacements back to back, but I think my addiction could have been avoided if I knew I was at risk and had been able to plan. I would manage my postop pain very differently, had I the opportunity to do it over. I have an idea of what I will do if I need surgery again.
No one needs to suffer operatively or postop. There are ways to manage this problem. You can PM me if you want to know more about what to expect with knee replacement.
As to your 3rd week being worse. I recall that, especially in the first month, I had a run of days where I thought I had fallen back into serious withdrawals. The ups and downs were unpredictable and scared me. That sort of roller coaster effect of bad days did go away in the second month for me.
FT
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Originally Posted by failedtaper 
I had a run of days where I thought I had fallen back into serious withdrawals. The ups and downs were unpredictable and scared me. That sort of roller coaster effect of bad days did go away in the second month for me.
FT
FT
Man, that is some scary stuff thinking things are looking up then back into withdrawals for a couple days. It is something else just to be feeling life at all again though so I'll try not to complain.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey FNB3,
If it makes you feel any better, it usually happened when I was not taking good care with hydration and rest, perhaps doing more than I should have. I lead kind of a hectic life, always taking on more than I can handle. I have always worked well under pressure, and sometimes it backfires.
I haven't had ANY days where I thought I was in withdrawal again for the past couple of months!
Take heart!
FT
If it makes you feel any better, it usually happened when I was not taking good care with hydration and rest, perhaps doing more than I should have. I lead kind of a hectic life, always taking on more than I can handle. I have always worked well under pressure, and sometimes it backfires.
I haven't had ANY days where I thought I was in withdrawal again for the past couple of months!
Take heart!
FT
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 243
Failedtaper,
Thanks for your replies. I did go back and read some of your early posts.
You're right, we share some similarities. Right now at this point, I don't think telling my BF will do much good....he's very good to me, but he's kind of different in one respect: he shies away from "bad news" and I HAVE alluded to some degree a couple of times in the past few months about "almost" having a problem (although I can admit to myself, anyway, it's not just "almost.")
I think the best thing for me to do is try going to some meetings or at the least come here and interact with people who understand what I'm going through. I know what you mean about "stealing" from yourself and counting pills & such. That's what makes tapering difficult.
All I know is I'm tired of seeing my $$$ go to these things and I need to obsess over POSITIVE things instead of pills. Just venting here is a start and I feel a little better mentally. I will come back again but right now I'm going to try not to think about this stuff for awhile.
Thanks for understanding. I know I'm new here but its apparent I'm certainly not alone.
Thanks for your replies. I did go back and read some of your early posts.
You're right, we share some similarities. Right now at this point, I don't think telling my BF will do much good....he's very good to me, but he's kind of different in one respect: he shies away from "bad news" and I HAVE alluded to some degree a couple of times in the past few months about "almost" having a problem (although I can admit to myself, anyway, it's not just "almost.")
I think the best thing for me to do is try going to some meetings or at the least come here and interact with people who understand what I'm going through. I know what you mean about "stealing" from yourself and counting pills & such. That's what makes tapering difficult.
All I know is I'm tired of seeing my $$$ go to these things and I need to obsess over POSITIVE things instead of pills. Just venting here is a start and I feel a little better mentally. I will come back again but right now I'm going to try not to think about this stuff for awhile.
Thanks for understanding. I know I'm new here but its apparent I'm certainly not alone.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Well, I'm back and of course very disappointed in myself. I'm sure you've all heard this before...but I got a friend's entire script of 90 5mg oxys thinking that would easily be enough to taper off from. Then the day before that, I overdid it with yardwork and working out, woke up that day with REALLY bad back pain, could hardly move. I ended up eating those damn things like candy, about 40 of 'em in just under 3 days. Then, of course, I was back to square one, and last Sunday I'd ran out and just couldn't handle it. The W/D had already started after only 6-8 hours, & I called up someone else I knew. They gave me 5 60mg OPs which are now gone, and I have my own small script of 30 5mg oxys. I know I have to stop, hell I don't have any more $$$ to spare for this **** anymore unless I cash out a $15K CD. That's not an option.
I know I have to get off 'em and I just can't tell my Dr., I can't be officially labeled an addict, if it got back to my office there goes my job and 32 years of my life down the drain. I have the chance to retire with a decent pension in 4 months instead of the 2 years I thought I'd have to wait, but I know I absolutely MUST be off these before then. I know it's probably wrong to think this way, but I HAVE successfully tapered before and I really believe if I hadn't messed up my back that bad I'd be just about done from that 90 script in another week. I can handle mild W/D, did before when I tapered & then quit but this last time around it was the depression/VERY strong emotions that I could not keep even close in control that really got to me, more than the discomfort and physical W/D.
I want off the roller coaster but I really don't think I can do abrupt cold turkey from a 50+ mg/day...I know I can get the other 90 script again in a couple of weeks to try the taper...this time I won't go crazy with overdoing it so I don't have a legitimate reason to take more than a few per day. I've figured out as long as I take about 25-30mg a day for the first week I'll be physically/mentally ok...down from my highest consumption which was between 60-120mg a day at times. Then go down 5-10 mgs/day for the next several days, and once I'm comfortably down to only 10-15mg a day I can handle the discomfort of WD from that amount.
I feel like a failure but I just can't handle CT. None of my family has a clue about what I've been going through, because it up until recently it hasn't caused any financial stress....but it's finally getting to that point and I would rather spend my $$$ on the fun stuff I like that doesn't involve pharmaceutical drugs!
Thanks for reading, I know that sounded pretty convoluted but that's where my brain is right now.
I know I have to get off 'em and I just can't tell my Dr., I can't be officially labeled an addict, if it got back to my office there goes my job and 32 years of my life down the drain. I have the chance to retire with a decent pension in 4 months instead of the 2 years I thought I'd have to wait, but I know I absolutely MUST be off these before then. I know it's probably wrong to think this way, but I HAVE successfully tapered before and I really believe if I hadn't messed up my back that bad I'd be just about done from that 90 script in another week. I can handle mild W/D, did before when I tapered & then quit but this last time around it was the depression/VERY strong emotions that I could not keep even close in control that really got to me, more than the discomfort and physical W/D.
I want off the roller coaster but I really don't think I can do abrupt cold turkey from a 50+ mg/day...I know I can get the other 90 script again in a couple of weeks to try the taper...this time I won't go crazy with overdoing it so I don't have a legitimate reason to take more than a few per day. I've figured out as long as I take about 25-30mg a day for the first week I'll be physically/mentally ok...down from my highest consumption which was between 60-120mg a day at times. Then go down 5-10 mgs/day for the next several days, and once I'm comfortably down to only 10-15mg a day I can handle the discomfort of WD from that amount.
I feel like a failure but I just can't handle CT. None of my family has a clue about what I've been going through, because it up until recently it hasn't caused any financial stress....but it's finally getting to that point and I would rather spend my $$$ on the fun stuff I like that doesn't involve pharmaceutical drugs!
Thanks for reading, I know that sounded pretty convoluted but that's where my brain is right now.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Hi OxyMaddened,
You are not a failure. You have my support. Pills are not my doc, I am a disgusting crack head. I know what you mean about being labeled an addict. Because then if you legitimately need something you are s**t out of luck. My dirty little secret has been exposed, in a way it is kinda a relief, I cannot change that I am an addict, and non-addicts,(with the exception of mental health doctors) rarely understand the battle that goes on, trying not to use. I don't know what the withdrawal is like for oxys, the only thing I can say is try not to do anything to make it worse. LOL But you are not a failure
You are not a failure. You have my support. Pills are not my doc, I am a disgusting crack head. I know what you mean about being labeled an addict. Because then if you legitimately need something you are s**t out of luck. My dirty little secret has been exposed, in a way it is kinda a relief, I cannot change that I am an addict, and non-addicts,(with the exception of mental health doctors) rarely understand the battle that goes on, trying not to use. I don't know what the withdrawal is like for oxys, the only thing I can say is try not to do anything to make it worse. LOL But you are not a failure
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey OxyMaddened:
Re-read your post and you will see about 100 excuses why you just got finished binging on opiates. And now you have a plan to continue to do that. I would like to be supportive, but you have proven to yourself that you can't control the urge to take pills, especially if you are the only one accountable for it. You know this "plan" of yours is full of cr@p.
The only way to stop taking opiates is to stop taking opiates. You have figured out all sorts of escape routes for every time you don't feel good. You've got to get someone to help you, whether that is your doctor or a significant other.
I don't know what else to say. You know what you have to do but just don't want to do it. There are so many people here who have been or are going through exactly what you are doing. How about showing them that this can be done?
Ft
Re-read your post and you will see about 100 excuses why you just got finished binging on opiates. And now you have a plan to continue to do that. I would like to be supportive, but you have proven to yourself that you can't control the urge to take pills, especially if you are the only one accountable for it. You know this "plan" of yours is full of cr@p.
The only way to stop taking opiates is to stop taking opiates. You have figured out all sorts of escape routes for every time you don't feel good. You've got to get someone to help you, whether that is your doctor or a significant other.
I don't know what else to say. You know what you have to do but just don't want to do it. There are so many people here who have been or are going through exactly what you are doing. How about showing them that this can be done?
Ft
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 10
I can definitely understand where you brain is right now, just because I think that is where I am right now as well. In my head I keep convincing myself that I can make this work to where I can taper or just hold on till the perfect moment. Now matter how much I plan to stick to a certain amount a day, I always go overboard. Like today, I planed to only do 20mgs and have thus now done 80mg after been clean for 5 days. The withdrawls and the emotions were unbearable and I needed to get up and out of bed and be able to function. I too have a demanding job and must be present and functioning to a certain capacity. While I'm sitting here thinking about how to taper down with what I have left, I know in the back of my head that I am going to fail. My addict brain is convincing trying to rationalize my use. I am also finding it hard to come clean to my husband. While he knows a little, he does not know the extent of my illness. The financial stress is starting to set in and I'm trying to hide it from my husband. This is a relapse for me and its probably the scariest relapse I have ever had, after just shy of three years clean too. Like you I cannot come out to my doctor. I do not have a legitimate script and I'm afraid of the label I will get once I admit my addiction and ask for help. I'm scared of being branded an addict forever on medical records for all to see for the rest of my life. I'm also afraid it will effect my husband's career, because my health is very important considering we move a lot and I am screened medically every few years to move to certain places. We are a military family. I'm also afraid of the shame I will feel. I already feel more then I can handle and cannot imagine coming out to anyone and making that shame even more real. Right now I think we are both in a place in our heads where our addict minds are rationalizing our use. Convincing us that we can keep on, atleast to a certain point, that doing what we are doing is better then admitting to family and our doctors. While I think of all this, I think back to when I was using years ago and I lost everything, just because I didn't want ask for help. When I mean everything, I mean everything. My home, my family, my friends, my car, my license and my freedom. I can only imagine what this relapse will eventually make me lose. As I have even more to lose this time around. A husband, a daughter and this new life that I love so much. What is more important? I know what is more important, but its still too hard to put it first. I think we both need to take a look at what our addict minds are thinking and trying to convince us is the only way and push through that and figure out what the truth is and admitting what is killing us and to eventually get help. Not just for ourselves, but for our family, our job, and our future.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Navy,
There is so much pain in your post. I know you are terrified to tell your husband, but what of the vows you once took? I don't mean to be old fashioned, and I am not religious by any stretch. But I didn't tell my husband for a long time either. One thing we forget is that one of the things we bring to a relationship is trust.
Part of that trust is that you love someone enough to see them through times of severe stress, illness, and death. How devastating would it be to your husband when he finds out later on that you did not trust him enough to love you enough to help you overcome your addiction? How would you feel if you found out years after you could have been helping your husband through something similar, forcing him to face it alone? When you could have been helping him?
It isn't easy, and he won't be happy with you. But you are risking far more than his anger right now. You are risking losing him because you don't trust him to love you enough, to love you as much as you do your child and him. You should give him the chance to show you.
FT
There is so much pain in your post. I know you are terrified to tell your husband, but what of the vows you once took? I don't mean to be old fashioned, and I am not religious by any stretch. But I didn't tell my husband for a long time either. One thing we forget is that one of the things we bring to a relationship is trust.
Part of that trust is that you love someone enough to see them through times of severe stress, illness, and death. How devastating would it be to your husband when he finds out later on that you did not trust him enough to love you enough to help you overcome your addiction? How would you feel if you found out years after you could have been helping your husband through something similar, forcing him to face it alone? When you could have been helping him?
It isn't easy, and he won't be happy with you. But you are risking far more than his anger right now. You are risking losing him because you don't trust him to love you enough, to love you as much as you do your child and him. You should give him the chance to show you.
FT
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Originally Posted by failedtaper
Hey OxyMaddened:
I don't know what else to say. You know what you have to do but just don't want to do it. There are so many people here who have been or are going through exactly what you are doing. How about showing them that this can be done?
Ft
I don't know what else to say. You know what you have to do but just don't want to do it. There are so many people here who have been or are going through exactly what you are doing. How about showing them that this can be done?
Ft
You make some salient points and I know I'm rationalizing, however you're wrong on one point: I absolutely DO want to do it (stop). I just don't have the physical and mental stamina to do it yet.
I know I'm lucky that unlike Navy I've never lost much in regard to assets or even relationships, and don't have children. The weird thing was, my first relationship was one in which I lived with a severe alcoholic for 15 years. Despite this up until my surgery a couple of years ago, I never had an abuse issue with drugs of any kind. Having grown up in the 70s, where it pretty much was anything goes, I could always literally take 'em OR leave 'em.
I guess I thought that was the case for life. How wrong I have become.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 517
I'm going to butt in here, totally uninvited, and simply say you will not find better guidance than that you get from FailedTaper. Yes, I think she practices tough love, but only when it seems called for. You might want to break her suggestions down into steps of guidance, a road map if you will, for I believe she truly knows not only of what she speaks but of living it. Butting out now, and wishing you the best of luck and determination to accomplish your goal. TPA
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Having the physical and mental stamina to do it
Originally Posted by OxyMaddened
I guess that and the rest of your post is what you call "tough love" eh?
You make some salient points and I know I'm rationalizing, however you're wrong on one point: I absolutely DO want to do it (stop). I just don't have the physical and mental stamina to do it yet.
I know I'm lucky that unlike Navy I've never lost much in regard to assets or even relationships, and don't have children. The weird thing was, my first relationship was one in which I lived with a severe alcoholic for 15 years. Despite this up until my surgery a couple of years ago, I never had an abuse issue with drugs of any kind. Having grown up in the 70s, where it pretty much was anything goes, I could always literally take 'em OR leave 'em.
I guess I thought that was the case for life. How wrong I have become.
You make some salient points and I know I'm rationalizing, however you're wrong on one point: I absolutely DO want to do it (stop). I just don't have the physical and mental stamina to do it yet.
I know I'm lucky that unlike Navy I've never lost much in regard to assets or even relationships, and don't have children. The weird thing was, my first relationship was one in which I lived with a severe alcoholic for 15 years. Despite this up until my surgery a couple of years ago, I never had an abuse issue with drugs of any kind. Having grown up in the 70s, where it pretty much was anything goes, I could always literally take 'em OR leave 'em.
I guess I thought that was the case for life. How wrong I have become.
Yes, tough love, I guess. I just find it frustrating to hear someone on the verge who keeps convincing themselves they can't stop taking oxys. You are doing that, you know.
One of the biggest "oxy lies" is that it gives you physical and emotional stamina. When do you think your "addict brain" will decide you have "the physical and mental stamina"? Ever?
Until you come to the cold reality that oxycodone drains you of every bit of physical and emotional stamina you once had, why should you quit? If you think it gives you those thing? Oxycodone weakens your resilience and causes such deconditioning of the mind and body, it is no wonder the relapse rate is so high. Many people just lose hope of ever feeling normal again. Time moves slowly to the extreme when you are in withdrawal, and those of us without a safety net of support to pull us back from falling back into the pit of addiction, will frequently fail at recovery. What a loss of a life, truly.
I, too, grew up in the 70's. Actually, 60's for me. I have 2 grown sons and have seen addiction destroy families on many levels, not the least of which is a hollowing of the personality that you are describing so well.
Look, I get a lot of personal gain from trying to help others get off this crap. Every story like yours reinforces my resolve never to fall back into addiction again myself. I'm not yet at 6 months now, and I still don't feel 100%. Now that I see addiction more clearly than I did when I was up to my eyeballs in oxy toxicity, I understand why it will take longer than 6 months, or even a year. I still see improvement on a weekly basis. Early in recovery, you have to learn to see your improvement on a daily basis until you have enough time behind you to see you really are coming out of hell.
I really do not mean to be unkind. But I continue to hear excuses, even in your last post. Take a hard look at what are you are doing, and if you are truthful with yourself, the excuses will fall away. Recognize that your "addict brain" is not a rational one, and as long as you look to it over "reason", you will never quit oxys.
I, too, "wanted" to stop, and I, too, did not want the misery of cold turkey. So I tried to taper, failing numerous times over all last year, until I realized that trying to taper off only drove my doses higher. That is exactly what it has been doing to you, if I read your post correctly. A month of pills in three days? Give me a break. No one "needs" that many oxys, no matter what their pain level. In a cancer ward, something besides oxys would have been used, not huge doses of oxycodone, and the person would have been monitored to make sure they didn't quit breathing.
I don't want to deter your getting support here, and I would never withdraw mine. For that is really what it is, and I mean that.
FT
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
I too am going to butt in.
FT is a great guide. I would listen to her.
When you talk about drug use of the 70's, being able to take or leave it.
I have two things that jump out to me.
1) addiction is progressive. recreational and/or abusing alcohol or drugs can go on for years before addiction sets in. it is hard to compare what you have been able to do in the past to what is going on now.
2) And I think this is most important. Oxy is not just a drug. There is a reason ppl get so addicted. It is a highly dangerous drug. It destroys your brain wiring.
Pot of the 70's, 80's, is not the pot that is manufactured/grown today. They are only slightly related.
So is Oxy....it is a highly progressed opiate, that was originally designed only for cancer patients. It was not designed for the uses it is being used for now.
I wish all of you the best of luck.
I only say this because realizing what you are dealing with can only help you realize this just isn't something you can "control" easily. It changes your ability to think rationally. You can't trust your own thoughts. Any help/support you can get will increase your chances of success.
I wish my spouse had shared with me that he was dealing with this for over 5 yrs. He has been free for over 6 months. But as FT said, there is a lot of anger over losing 5+ yrs & a much greater addiction, because he chose to decide for me that I wasn't strong enough to share his problem with his spouse.
For those who think their spouse does not know. You may be correct that they don't know about the oxy addiction. But they know something is wrong. I knew my husband wasn't the same. I worried/questioned everyday about the possibilities. Was he having an affair, had a serious disease that was not diagnosed, hated me for some reason unknown to me, etc...
It was in some ways a relief when I found out the truth.
You can only deal with what you know.
Sorry so long. This is personal for me. And if any of this helps anyone, I am grateful.
FT is a great guide. I would listen to her.
When you talk about drug use of the 70's, being able to take or leave it.
I have two things that jump out to me.
1) addiction is progressive. recreational and/or abusing alcohol or drugs can go on for years before addiction sets in. it is hard to compare what you have been able to do in the past to what is going on now.
2) And I think this is most important. Oxy is not just a drug. There is a reason ppl get so addicted. It is a highly dangerous drug. It destroys your brain wiring.
Pot of the 70's, 80's, is not the pot that is manufactured/grown today. They are only slightly related.
So is Oxy....it is a highly progressed opiate, that was originally designed only for cancer patients. It was not designed for the uses it is being used for now.
I wish all of you the best of luck.
I only say this because realizing what you are dealing with can only help you realize this just isn't something you can "control" easily. It changes your ability to think rationally. You can't trust your own thoughts. Any help/support you can get will increase your chances of success.
I wish my spouse had shared with me that he was dealing with this for over 5 yrs. He has been free for over 6 months. But as FT said, there is a lot of anger over losing 5+ yrs & a much greater addiction, because he chose to decide for me that I wasn't strong enough to share his problem with his spouse.
For those who think their spouse does not know. You may be correct that they don't know about the oxy addiction. But they know something is wrong. I knew my husband wasn't the same. I worried/questioned everyday about the possibilities. Was he having an affair, had a serious disease that was not diagnosed, hated me for some reason unknown to me, etc...
It was in some ways a relief when I found out the truth.
You can only deal with what you know.
Sorry so long. This is personal for me. And if any of this helps anyone, I am grateful.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hey BarelyThere:
Thank you for sharing your personal story. It's good to hear what the spouse feels like when the user keeps their addiction a secret. When you truly love someone, you have to trust them enough that they will love you enough to help you. Hiding an addiction only eats away at that.
FT
Thank you for sharing your personal story. It's good to hear what the spouse feels like when the user keeps their addiction a secret. When you truly love someone, you have to trust them enough that they will love you enough to help you. Hiding an addiction only eats away at that.
FT
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: somewhere, tx
Posts: 128
My Turn To Butt In!
Hi Oxymaddened-
Failtaper is, as always, on the mark. Please re-read your posts. To me, it's like you've formed a Plan of Action on continuing your usage by accounting for where you can get a supply/how many/what doses/etc...Nowhere in your posts did you speak of stopping. We all understand too too well how addictive opiates are. We have all gone through the addiction cycle of rationalizing/hiding/denying/planning/binging/feeling guilty. Personally, I was too weak to get off cold turkey and did a very slow taper. I didn't have medical supervision and wasn't "forced" to stop. I simply reached a point that I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You wrote that you want off of the oxys and that is a starting point, but you have to STOP TAKING THEM at some point.
And yes, it will hurt and you'll hate life for a while, but that passes with time. I also hope you throw out any blank scripts you have; you're playing with fire.
I do hope you stick around SR and read as much as your time allows...I promise you that you'll see your story over and over.
Failtaper is, as always, on the mark. Please re-read your posts. To me, it's like you've formed a Plan of Action on continuing your usage by accounting for where you can get a supply/how many/what doses/etc...Nowhere in your posts did you speak of stopping. We all understand too too well how addictive opiates are. We have all gone through the addiction cycle of rationalizing/hiding/denying/planning/binging/feeling guilty. Personally, I was too weak to get off cold turkey and did a very slow taper. I didn't have medical supervision and wasn't "forced" to stop. I simply reached a point that I decided ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You wrote that you want off of the oxys and that is a starting point, but you have to STOP TAKING THEM at some point.
And yes, it will hurt and you'll hate life for a while, but that passes with time. I also hope you throw out any blank scripts you have; you're playing with fire.
I do hope you stick around SR and read as much as your time allows...I promise you that you'll see your story over and over.
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