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Relapse after one year clean

Old 05-17-2011, 12:19 PM
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Relapse after one year clean

Celebrated a year clean last week...then went out and smoked crack 3 times. I am back in the rooms and am on day #4. I have battled crack for 20 years. The longest I've stayed cleanis 3 years, so I know I can do it. Still, I now have to deal with the urges/cravings that go with relapsing.
I allowed a great deal of financial stress and grief overwhelm me. I didn't reach out for support before i chose to use. Lesson learned. I am committed to staying clean one day at a time. Any support from fellow addicts would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 05-17-2011, 12:58 PM
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My DOC is any type of pill opiate and like you have been on the roller coaster for 20 yrs. I am 57 now. Longest I have stayed off was 9 months about 7 yrs ago and 6 months in mid-2008. I am now clean 5 months. It will always been one day at a time for me, although some days I don't even really think about using now or really miss it, but in all honesty if I had a bottle now I probably would be tempted. I always missed it before, especially when my Alcoholic spouse was drinking (he has been sober 5 yrs now). I am so blessed to still have a family, job, no legal issues, home, good friends, church family, etc. I have to work on my codie issues though as that is what led me to using initially and is a trigger for me - mainly trying to control others whose behavior is out of control . . and that leads me to fear, embarassment, emotional pain. I try to be perfect and be all things to all people.
Discovering that fact through SR friends this time around and just hearing similar stories to mine and reading and posting here has really made this recovery unique to me. Most of us have experience multiple relapses, but keep trying. You have been clean 3 years before which is great and 1 year up until a few days ago. You can do it again! Keep posting and you will find a lot of support here.
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Old 05-17-2011, 01:42 PM
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Exactly, I am happy that you admit you "choose" to use, rather than maing excuses and saying you have no choice. Obviously your will power when things get tough just is not there. Financial stress and that stuff sucks, bottom line, but do you feel better now that you smoked some crack? I doubt it. Next time things get tough, you get tougher. Go better yourself somehow, work harder, take a class, get a part time job, etc.

Like LT said "don't smoke crack"
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Old 05-17-2011, 01:48 PM
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Welcome to SR Lauderdude

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Old 05-17-2011, 08:52 PM
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I'm sorry you relapsed. It's a good reminder for me that it can happen. You say longest clean is three years, I have two years, and if you can relapse then so can I so I need to be careful. I didn't use crack that long but long enough to get myself addicted. And I really would not want a 20 year battle with crack cocaine. I still crave it at times, and I still want it but I must remember that it is not worth it, it has destroyed me in many ways and if I use it will make matters worse.
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Old 05-18-2011, 04:43 AM
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Damn, that really sucks. I'm on day #5 of crack today, and I'm just 16. You've been battling crack for 20 years? damn! honestly i thought if you'd quit crack for a month you'd just forget about it but all the stories ive read has that they've been battling crack for years. Makes me think actually. Hopefully I don't relapse, I don;t wanna do it anymore, but the cravings/not many hours of sleep suck! I wake up every 2 hrs, and sometimes can't fall back to sleep. It sucks! But.. one day at a time I'm taking it. I woke up early today, I'm not going to school cause I have a probation test, thank god. Had just 5 hrs sleep today, now can't sleep. really really sucks. I think back how I started using drugs.. I didn't know anything of drugs, not even weed an year ago. I wanted to fit, Did weed with a few people. became good friends with them, 4 months later did crack. I did not inhale, so no cravings. Didn't think of it. 3 months later, BAM! Did it, and now I'm gonna quit. I guess weed is a gateway drug, for some. From weed to pills to coke to crack. Crack ruined me. It sucks. Maybe if I didnt befriend thouse guys I wouldn;t even be here, but everything happens for a reason.. god wouldn't send me anything I can't handle.
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:24 AM
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Hi TheViper,

I hope they have help in your town for young users. If you hit NA, there are young people there just like you are. It isn't just for old dudes.

You have noticed that lots of people let these drugs ruin their entire adult lives. That doesn't have to be you. The fact you are here on this forum speaks volumes. Keep the incentive you are showing right now, the savvy you have to have found this site and listen to some stories, and run with it.

It isn't too late for you, not by any stretch. Find some good support for recovery. Sometimes that is not with the parents, but if you can find support there, you might be surprised at what you find out. Pleasantly so.

Keep coming back here, and tell us how you are, dude.

FT
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:42 AM
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Thanks everyone for your encouragement. Today I get $1000 cash and holy **** is that stirring up a lot of crap in my head. Been to meetings daily and have shared what I am experiencing. Today I choose sobriety and to work my program. I choose to be the master rather than the slave! I am grateful that I found this website. I appreciate everyone's feedback.
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:50 AM
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Stick with it Lauder...sorry to hear you relapsed, but keep your head held high and redouble your efforts. It's awesome you were clean for a year. That's no small feat! I am back on day 4 of sobriety right there with you.

And Viper, glad you are here! It takes a lot to decide to be sober at 16. Best of luck to you, friend!
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Old 05-18-2011, 08:52 AM
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Welcome to SR!!

I, too, am a recovering crack addict. I started off, in early recovery, when the cravings would come I'd tell myself "not an option...next" and "next" mean to distract myself. I also vividly remembered my relapse, and it was ugly...couldn't GET high enough to drown out the feelings of shame, hatred for myself, etc.

In time, I would find myself distracting from a thought I didn't even realize I'd had about crack. I have a little over 4 years, and I've been through a LOT but the friends I've made here have gotten me through everything. When I was robbed at work, the 2nd time, and pistol whipped, while I was sitting in the ER, getting scanned and stapled up, all I could think was "let me get home to SR". SR has been that vital to my recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-18-2011, 03:10 PM
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I stayed clean for almost 4 years. Crack is my DOC and I went out and smoked crack after a pretty long stretch of not using. It has been 15 days since I last used. I am sorry that we both relapsed. It has been a struggle to not use since the relapse, but I know where it will end up for me, bad to the millionth degree. It is especially hard on the weekends. I think it is important to have at least one person that you can really be honest with about how you are feeling, someone who won't judge you for even thinking about it. I have always heard that before a relapse we have a choice, but after that first hit, the choice is gone. The train just goes right off the track, that is how it is for me. One is to many and a 1000 isn't enough, I hate those little phrases, but they really do make some sense. I totally understand what you are going through.
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