iliveforyou

Relapsed.

Obviously I'm not doing something right, so here I am again...stumbling back, full of hatred and deep disappointment.

Never, ever will I give up. This time I must do something different, clearly what I was doing landed me here.

FML. Back into opiate wd's...second day clean...


-Jess

opmloser

ILFU-If I had a dime for every relapse I had, I could buy Montana....I've seen so many of your posts in the time I've been on SR and they are stellar, so you can't be the eff-up that you believe yourself to be!
I think of the addiction as my "evil voice"....I can't pull it out of me and I can't kill it but I can tell it to shaddup. Like you, I have to live with the guilt of having screwed up more times than I did good in my life.
As you know, those w/d's will go away with time but that deceptive little voice will live on and try to trip you up. I hope it doesn't and I hope you will stop feeling so down on yourself!
My thoughts are with you....

iliveforyou

Thank you opm for your support I really needed that. I feel horrible but perhaps a little less at this point. I'm exhausted and completely slammed by these damn w/d's. I love how conviently my addict brain allows me to forget this hell that I repeatedly put myself though.

Thanks again *hugs*

-Jess

northernlight29

Jess...Im going through it myself right now. day 1. Already want to rip my hair out and run out of the office. Im not sure im going to be able to come into work tomorrow. however I know if i stay home, it may be worse. I have a very bad neck. Not sure if youve seen my story. Anyway...I dont know how many times ive felt this way. Ive lost count. my neck and lower back are screaming at me. I should of just went through with it and had the surgery a couple weeks ago. I cancelled it because i got scared ******** last minute. now here i am, out of meds, and out of my mind. Try not to beat yourself up over it too much. youve done it before, you can do it again. Ive never gone through withdrawals fully yet, and im not excited to. sorry i dont have much encouragement, my mind is shot and just typing this was a feat in itself. im sorry...

FT

Hi Jess,

FT here. How many recoveries do we have in us? I don't think we really know. I am sure not going to beat you up!

You are such a sweet young mother without a lot of support for YOU. You perform miracles every day as the stellar mom I wish I had when I was growing up.

I have watched your tenuous recovery, holding my breath all the while. You are so fragile, yet so strong. You are one of the reasons that I come on this forum every day. Every post you do brightens my day, and the days of everyone reading.

So, quit beating yourself up, dust yourself off, and continue moving forward. Hey, three steps forward and two steps back is STILL one step forward, dear.

I'll say it again. Without failure, by what do we measure success? Examine what just happened and imagine the ways you could have done it differently, but don't obsess about it. You can't do it over. You are who you are and where you are right this minute, because this is where you are supposed to be. It's not that I don't think we can influence our path. I absolutely believe that we can.

I hope you can figure out some ways to feed your own soul, dear. You are a wonderful person and an asset to this forum. Please check back and tell us how you are doing.

FT

iliveforyou

Thank you Anivhead, those are the things I must look within myself for...

Nothernlight - Well, seems we have quite a bit n common just looking at what you wrote beneath you name..I, too, started off being a legitimate chronic pain patient. Years later, I am a freakin addict. I will read your story, though. Congrats on your day one, you can do this as well, no matter how sh*t you feel, it WILL pass.

-Jess

iliveforyou

Oh FT, you've got me in tears. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for EVERYTHING.
xoxo

-Jess

FT

Hey dear,

Hope you are hanging in there today.

Much love,

FT

TheReader

Jess - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I don't post as much as others, but read almost everyday. I have been on the opiate roller coaster for many years, stopping, starting, changing my DOC. As others have said, don't beat yourself up - pick yourself up because you know you can. You are a strong person and we are all here for you. I have read a lot today on SR about the addict brain, the voice we addicts hear that convinces us it is OK to use, the fight in our brains of good and evil. It really takes determination each and every day to fight it. The more stories and posts I read, the more I realize how critical that fact is. You are also brave in your honesty which is half the battle. Keep posting.

iliveforyou

I just had the most terrifyinig thing just happen. I was vomiting and I stopped breathing. If it happens again, I will be forced to call an ambulance which of course I cannot afford. I haven't slept, complete exhaustion, restless body, and other various stomach problems...to be expected obviously.

My daughter doesn't understand why Mommy isn't playing with her. Breaks my effen heart that I am completely useless in this state.

Thanks FT and Thereader Your support is so very appreciated.

-Jess

FT

ILFY: I sent you a PM. I think I know what happened to you.

FT

RyanRed

I'm very sorry you are going through this, but I gotta ask.

What was going through your mind when you relapsed? You know you want to be clean and sober, you know how much better it feels, and you are again reminded of those hellish withdrawals. So I ask, why throw away feeling fantastic for a few days of being high? I do understand the addict mind and the mentality of it all, but what made you say "Bah screw it! Ill just take a few, and worry about sobriety later." You knew where it would end up, so again why and what were you thinking.

The reason I express that so much is because if you can analyze that chain of thought, you will be able to deal with it better. Embrace what happened, and respectively kick it in the junk

I do understand people relapse - it happens all the time. I for one will never relapse. Me saying that is a bold statement I know. Some of you might be saying - Well how does he know that!? But I keep that idea in my mind and force myself to believe it. "I will never relapse!" Because when I start walking around with the thought of "Well I'm clean today and plan on staying that way," the word "plan" is a weak word. It allows leeway and room for error. As we all know, plans get broken. So don't just plan or think not to use again, KNOW IT!

Anyways enough from me. I wish you make a speedy recovery, and always know you have friends here

Stay strong my friend!

-Ryan

P.S. Look I made my text all big and the color blue because you always do that :P

hello-kitty

I hope you are ok. But OMG. I'm seriously concerned for your little girl. Is there someone who can watch your daughter while you are sick? Just tell them you have the flu if you need too. It's not fair for a little one to have to watch mommy go through withdrawals.

Dee74

Jess - hang the cost - this is your life here...and the welfare of your little girl...
please get some medical support.

D

iliveforyou

Hello everyone. Thank you dee and hello kitty. My husband has helped out yesterday with cleaning but not taking care of our daughter. I have mentioned in older posts that I might as well be a single parent living under the fascade of a "marriage". I was shocked when he cleaned up the bedroom and living room for me....shocked. My daughter is 3 1/2 and is autistic...unfortunately she has a hard time picking up on others emotions/feelings, etc so she is kind of oblivious it seems. Still lost in her own world. Anyways thanks everyone, I made it thru the night somehow and here I am in day 3. I have an appt at urgent care later this morning. Still feel like $hit but so determined to push past this because I know it does pass. I've gotten 1/2 sleep in the past 3 days but hey it's something.

iliveforyou

Ah crap I'm so out of it. Hi Ryan and thank you for your response. oh and lol at ur font that made me smile, something that's rarely happening.

One of the main reasons that I think my relapse occured was due to my mental illnesses that are not exactly under control although I am on meds and see a dr. for them. I gave them a call and I have an appt of June 1...long time to wait. I do appreciate your insight, I am going to be analyizing my thoughts when this happened and try to figure out the details so this time will be my LAST time w/d'ing.

rinky

hey ilfy. im so sorry ur going through all this, i tell you what, you make me feel plum ashamed of myself for being such a big baby about mine the last two days. see, even though you feel like you failed, the things you are going through and are courageous enough to share help other people so you shouldn't feel so bad about relapsing. hell, i haven't even been able to manage to anywhere near as far as you have, and i don't have hardly any of the stresses you do. hang in there. you will get through this. i know you will bc you are so brave and determined, i wish i was more like you.

doggonecarl

I have no advice to offer, just a big cyber hug and a prayer that you feel better soon and return strong to your recovery. ********{ILFU}}}}}

FT

Hi ILFY:

Hi kid. How're they hangin'? Whoops, I mean, uh, well, um, hey -- how are ya?

All seriousness, now, I know you feel like crap. Let's get ya through this, my dear. That may sound hollow comin' through the internet and all, but there is SO much support for you right here. I hope one day your husband has a light bulb go off in his head and realizes what a gem he has sitting right there beside him - you.

I have to leave in a few hours and be gone all day, but I'll be checking in just in case you post.

FT

northernlight29

Jess,

I hope your apt went well and your beginning to feel a little bit better. I know its rough and sometimes feels like your loosing the battle but as long as your fighting, your not loosing. Keep fighting, and never give up. I replied to your pm as well. I'll be on the computer all day and look forward to talking with you when you get back.

Chris