northbelle

Yup one more time for me..started running away with pills and heoin several months ago...Just "casual" ( what a joke right ?) at first and now I find I have been smoking h for 2 weeks straight.
I just need to get this secret out there. I have to trust someone and at least speak my own truth. So I can let it out and get support.
48 years old and I have alot to loose right now. Slowly I am starting to loose all the good things that sobriety has brought me the past yearsl'
It seems many things triggered me back down this horrible scarey road I have traveled many times before
I am not sure where to start. HOW to start taking care of myself and get clean I am very sick when I stop using even for a day now.
This depression feels very LETHAL. adn I am scared to death.
I just had to post here tonight and hope to hear from some of you guys that are always such great support. Have to get to bed as it is 4 am but I had to post this...someone HAS to know, This secret is too huge to carry alone..Check back here soon and I appreciate any feedback.
northbelle

TheReader

Northbelle - I am praying for you as I type this. I have been on the opiate roller coaster for years and I am ten years older than you. Never went as far as H, but used/abused almost every opiate pill there is. I read some of your older posts this a.m. before replying, primarily in the henhouse thread and you did the right thing coming here to SR where you have many friends. None of us is perfect and we all struggle, fighting our triggers. I will be clean 5 months on 5/19 and SR has been a lifesaver for me.
You have taken the first step. We are all here to offer support. Keep posting.

FT

Northbelle,

I see you have been around the block and posting for many years. Surely there is nothing I can tell you about addiction that you don't already know.

What I do know and guess you have "failed" at is building a support network that is more interested in seeing you clean than in using. You can't have burned the old bridges if you are back where you are this month.

Before kicking yourself in the teeth too much, sit back and analyze your support structure. Is there any? Long term recovery may be something you no longer think you can achieve. How can I even advise you there, as I am only 5 months clean into my own recovery, the third one. Personally, I don't know if I have another recovery in me, and I don't intend to find out.

Explore your support options, dive into fixing them (NA especially) and figure out where your last recovery failed. Coming here is great, and I am glad you are here. I hope you stick around. Hey, why not show the readers of this forum how you CAN climb your way back out of this addiction hole that you have found yourself in the bottom of once again.

FT

Impurrfect

(((Norty))) - I'm sorry to hear this, but in all honesty, I had the feeling that was what was going on with you. You're spending 7 days a week at work, doesn't sound like you're GETTING much support, though you are certainly giving it.

You've come a long way, you've made great strides at work, helping out others but if you don't get a grip on this, sweetie, you're going to be a client at your job instead of an employee.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you've been down this road too many times. You DO know what to do, you just have to do it.

All said with lots of love

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

newby1961

NB now you just have to feel that way.

I know where you are at as I have been down that same hellish road. When I had gone back out after having some clean time, I tried to quit but as you I was doing to much H, and into the 2nd day sickness always won out.

I got to the point many times where I had to be locked away to quit, like going to a medical detox.

When I quit 7 years ago I was 92 lbs soaking wet, my hair was falling out in clumps, and I just looked like walking death.

Not only did the drug kick my butt but the lifestyle did too, as I had reached bottoms that I swore I would never go to.




If you have been down this road before, then you know what you have to do to quit, now you just have to be sick & tired of using.

I believe I made it back cause so many people in & out of NA were praying for me, so as some of the others stated I will pray that you reach a place of willingness to do anything to quit.

I give you cudos for being honest, cause you know what they say, we are only as sick as our secrets.

Do you have a sponsor from before, or anybody in recovery? If you do please reach out to them.

Lizrox

((((North)))) You have been suffering for such a long time. You know what you have to do.

northbelle

Thank you so much Reader..really means alot that you would read my posts..also appreciate that you are older than me too. I know that us older gals have not survived this lond by being dumb A$$es so I really respect you,
Taper..thanks much..yeah it is certainly not a lack of knowledge of the nature of addiction that bit me once again...I definitely set myself up by entering into a relationshiip with someone who was right out of JAIL and newly free and sober...NOT blaming him mind you. I have 100 percent choice to use or not but it is waaay easier to fall back in when you engage with someone who is new and vunerable..He started selling it to make a few bucks and I KNEW I was in trouble..Today I finally ended the relationship and made him get out...I have a big table pushed up against the front door tonight so I will hear him if he tries to enter. Get my locks changed tommorow. The last year with him has been incredibly difficult. He has lots of mental health issues and me ?? Well I just KNEW I could HELP him!!! I found myself just trying to ignore what he was doing and I am just so releived to end the sickness of our relationship that even though I am feeling very ILL...I feel like I am getting free, He used my ATM card to the tune of minus 1000 dollars so I am deep in debt with the bank. He denied it and made me think I was going crazy..thank god this is over..now I can take care of myself again....
And yes . I DO know what to do..went to a meeting andthen hung out with a friend at a coffee shop..just crying ...feels good to let the tears go finally and not have to hide my l"secret" anymore..Amy....not harsh at all sis..I know what I am up against believe me and I know how close I am to where I don't want to be!
Thank you Newby and I am getting the support...I HAVE to..I can NO WAY do this **** alone..nor would I want to..
Lizrox..yes..suffered for way too many years to do it anymore.....
I really feel sick so I am going to laydown...I just need to be here,,,to post here and speak my truth..I can't keep stuff in anymore ...
Who I thought was the man of my dreams...turned out to be just another player in the cycle that I have recreated for myself over and over again..I DO feel very bad for him...but I have let him live with me now for over a year and he never had a job or contributed a DIME ...then ends up rippin me off..ughhhh,,,
Kay I feel like pukin now for sure..
Please just stick with me..I am not looking for any magical answers believe me.. I just need you guys to be here and talk to me..thank you all so much!!
love norty
Feel l

meditation

Norty, for me the sh&t always hit the fan in the month of May, I don't know why but it's a bad month for me. I've been down the relapse road a few times and it always ends the same except each time the consequences get worse.

We are here for you, vent away, I wish I could take some of the pain away but just know we are here and the Henhouse is always open. Much love sent to you.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear all this Norty - but we both know how relentless and opportunistic addiction can be.

I'm with Amy - you know what to do...you can turn things around - you've done it before

best wishes to you - I'm behind you

D

Sugah

I had to check the date on this thread to be sure it wasn't an old one somebody kicked back up. It's an old story, isn't it, 'belle?

And of course, you can't blame him. When I wrote a 4th step and started to see that so many of the guys in my past had a lot in common, I had to also acknowledge that one of those commonalities was me. I was the one who latched onto them. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

Relationships aren't the cause of using. The thoughts and feelings that we bring into them (and on which we operate in the rest of our lives) are the cause of using.

You know all this. I haven't kept up with the henhouse thread, so I don't know where you've been in the past year or two. If it's somewhere anchored in your recovery, I'd ask -- at what point did you cut the line?

You also know you can get through the withdrawal. That just might be the easy part -- if you're still of the mind that you can do battle with the addiction. It's definitely a battle, but it's a job for something Greater than you.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

northbelle

Hi Sugah...yeah it IS a old story...and a old tired one at that..
Yes I can definitely see where the line got broken in my recovery....and yeah I can get through the withdrawal.
I have done so glld the past few years..new career..life pretty much turned around for me..but I definitely let lots of things slip...working way too much in a really stressful area that can be a huge trigger for me.
THings are changing as we speak..I am scared to death right now...but the pain of change is certainly the alternative of choice over the other..
I am gonna be alright..tonight anyway...clean and sober ..sick with anxiety ..but clean ..
thanks guys
love norty

fs101

NB,
I can't say much that hasn't already been said here, but I am wishing you positive thoughts and feelings as go through the same hoops we all have jumped. Keep fighting the good fight and all that jazz, both you and the rest of us know that you are worth it!

FS

Sugah

I don't know why I thought of this, northbelle, but when I read your reply, I saw myself, just turned 18, packing the car to move away from home. I never told my parents until I'd decided, and when I did, it was more of an "I'll see you later" than asking for any advice about going out into the world. I left, headed to another state, and then another state, and another...then, three years later when I was 21 and had been through a whole lot of crap (including a brief return home so I could lose my mind, gather up the pieces, and take off again), I called and asked if I could come back. I was pregnant and alone. My parents didn't hesitate--they told me to come as soon as I could.

My son was born the following spring, and though going home was a temporary reprieve (I went back to the life over and over), I've often thought that, had I not had my wild time interrupted, I probably would have ended up like one of these young folks I see in the obituaries way too often (kids my own kids' ages). My son was the greatest gift of all that mess early on. He just turned 21 on Mother's Day.

That's about how I felt then. Stayed clean, had my baby, stayed clean awhile longer because I nursed him from my own body...and then I forgot, or thought that somehow, things would be different. I was a different person, a mother, someone with responsibilities. I wouldn't dare let it get out of hand this time, right?

You have a home to go home to in the rooms, a Parent to welcome you back (in whatever form your HP takes for you). And you have us. I'm praying for you, sweetie.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

JustAYak

Just sending you hugs ((Norty)).

Impurrfect

(((Norty))) - really glad to see you still posting, and that you've ended the relationship. My downfall was always relationships, which is how I discovered I was a codie and had to work at THAT recovery, too. Trust me, I still feel a little flicker when I come across a "bad boy", but it's getting dimmer and dimmer all the time. As strong as I feel my recovery is, if I were in a relationship and he started fooling around with crack, well...I don't know. I hope I would run like hell in the other direction, but I just choose not to be around people who aren't more stable.

A coworker/friend that I was working with was the only one who knows my history (he no longer works there). He used to do powder, and loves his weed. He texted me, once, asking if I knew how he could get pain pills, and I said "nope". I later heard someone call him a crackhead, and red flags went up all over the place. I had to distance myself, no more rides home, no cigarettes because he smokes but never buys any, etc.

It's like I put up a brick wall. Don't know if this helps you any, but it's what worked for me. If someone needs "fixing", they are not the one for me....or you. We have enough on our hands, fixing ourselves

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Tiredofdrugs

Norty: Falling into bad habits seems to be our "an addicts" down fall. I'm glad you kicked out the BF and have closed that door. I'm glad you are getting off the drugs again. You already know how it's going to be for a while. So I don't need to tell you what to expect. All though, I have no idea what it's like coming off heroin. But I've read many stories, here, about how hard it is. Are you able to get help from your job in getting off the heroin?

Let me give you a little story of my past. The last five years of my marriage, (the husband before this one), was pure hell. I had been introduced to hydro's #10 after one of my surgeries. Of course I fell in love with these, compared to the piddly crap I was using at the time. I was getting 200 pills a month.

My husband started mentally and physically abusing me. So I ended up diving head first into a bottle of these pills. I quickly started using more and more to deal with my husband's abuse. Then I got a second doctor to prescribe more pills, because 200 of them just wouldn't get me thru the month. I pretty much turned into a walking zombie. I was forced to do things for him or be so mentally abused; I would literally jump off the couch at the slamming of the doors and him throwing silverware into the sink to break glassware.

My second doctor, eventually lost her license and I was back to having only 200 pills a month. I called a methadone clinic to enquire about becoming a patient. The nurse that answered the phone scared the crap out of me. She told me how methadone ate your bones and teeth away to nothing. I wrote her name down along with the phone number, thanked her and hung up. I decided right then and there. I needed to get off the opiates and try to make a go of my marriage.

I went thru 30 days of pure hell getting off those pills. I had to call family in to care for the chickens I had, because I could barely walk from one room to another w/o falling down from exhaustion. I'd look out the window at the momma hens with their babies in small crates and just cry. They'd all be looking back at me, with sad looks on their faces in wonder as to why mom wasn't taking care of them.

You see! Those Silkie chickens were my salvation. I loved them as much as they loved me. My husband was jealous of our love. I had one hen in the house with me. He picked her up one day and drew back, like you would throw a football, to throw her across the room. I walked up to him and said; "That will be the last thing you ever do". He slowly set her down on the floor. Then he picked up a wooden table chair and threw it at me. I barely dodged getting hit, in the back. I just walked to my bedroom and shut the door.

A week into my w/d’s. My husband started changing into a better person. After a couple of months being off the opiates, we started resuming as a married couple. Things were going well, until I went driving around with a girlfriend one night. We hadn’t seen each other for a couple of years. She is hard of hearing and we had a lot to catch up on. So I just drove us around. I took her home at 3:00 am. Her husband wrote me a note, as a joke, to leave for my husband. Saying I was there at 3:00 in the morning, dropping her off.
So I left it on the counter, for when he got up to go to work to see. He did see it. He flipped it over and wrote on the back of it. I’m going to contact a lawyer today to file for a divorce. WTF?
So when he got home, I asked him why he wrote that. He said that’s how he felt when he got up and read it. Then I asked if he had called an attorney? He said, no. I then got up off the couch, looked him square in the eyes and said; “You might want to”. Then I walked outside.

I knew he wasn’t ever going to allow me, to be me. I had spent enough time in the bottle, trying to live with him. So I started getting ready to leave him. It took me a week to get ready to go. I called my daughter and moved in with her. I had always told him, “When my Silkies leave this property, I’m gone for good”. So a week later, I called him to tell him I was coming to get them. I had come over every day to care for them, because I didn’t trust him to do it properly. There had been a couple of times, he almost killed them.

I went to work fulltime with the Army National Guard. Stayed off the opiates for 2 ½ years. Then I was seriously injured and needed surgery. Which is a total different story I’ve already posted about back in my earlier posts.

You see. While I was messed up on the opiates. He had control over me. But after I got my act cleaned up, got my mind back on track, he lost that control. He really became a person I didn’t know and feared being around. He knew if I called 911, I could eventually be kicked out of the Guard for Domestic Violence. That’s why when he pushed me off the porch one day, he said; “Go ahead, call 911. I’ll get a knife, cut myself and tell the police, you did it”.

BTW: I met him at a party being held by NA. He had twelve years clean. But somewhere along the way in our relationship he started changing. I’ve always said, he did enough cocaine it finally fired his brain cells. Because he was slowly losing his mind.

This was also around the time, me and my hubby now, found each other again. Since I had wanted to marry this man, since I was fifteen years old. There was no question of who I wanted to be with.

I wanted to share this story with you, because as you can see. The two people in this story had a drug problem. Even before I got into the opiates heavily, I loved this man and wanted a happy marriage with him. But he told me every week, for five years. We needed to go our separate way or get a divorce. I felt like a worthless person. But now that I’m clean and in a healthy marriage/relationship. I see where all the wrong was, in being in that relationship.

I made the choice, to take care of me, myself and I. By doing this. I became a better person. I still have my beloved Silkie Chickens. But the nice thing is. My husband loves them too. So there is no jealousy between us on the Silkies being in our lives. I even accuse Morgan of getting more kisses than I do from my husband. LOL

Look inside yourself, for the inner strength, to find you. Don’t rely on the drugs to keep you numb and from enjoying life to its fullest extent. You’ve already missed so much and don’t even know it. Don’t miss anymore and don’t be ashamed to ask for help along the way.

TOD

PS: I called the methadone clinic, after being clean for two months. I asked to speak to the nurse I had spoken to because I wanted to personally thank her for setting me on the right road. All I can say at this point, is God works in mysterious ways. This nurse didn’t exist at this clinic. I gave them her full name and told them this was the correct number and clinic. They told me they had never heard of her.

jazz66

stop thinging about recovery and start thinging about life
start having sume fun with your self

SteppingItUp

Hey Norty, enormous hugs to you. I'm very grateful you're back and reaching out. You wrote to cheer me on when I first came here over two years ago, scared, alone and withdrawing from heroin and methadone from the throes of my bed. You were very sweet and welcoming, and you provided some of the much-needed identification that helped me at that time. You made a difference in my life when I really needed it. T-h-a-n-k y-o-u for stepping up to speak with me then. I'm still clean and in recovery, and I thank my HP everyday for this living miracle.

While members here at SR helped me through the beginning, after waiting for everything to get better by itself and realizing that I would need a leagues more help than I could have imagined, I accepted that I really couldn't go this road alone. I joined up with NA and AA (because I also qualify as an alcoholic, although I identify purely as an addict in NA and an alcoholic in AA with respect for the traditions). Joining up with the fellowships has become one of the greatest decisions I have ever made.

I have become passionate about recovery, for two main reasons: 1) addiction is a frequently fatal disease, and I don't want my addiction to kill me or hold me hostage in its misery any longer (either using or clean – it’s progressive either way) and 2) I find tremendous happiness, inspiration, excitement, freedom and purposefulness in the process. I've had to work hard and perhaps get very lucky to find a network that has been able to explain the nature of this disease and how to survive it. I know I've been given the solution that works because it is working for me, and I have seen the same work performing the same miracles in the lives of the addicts and alcoholics I've come to sponsor.

What are some of the gifts? For starters, the mental obsession to use has been removed. What's the mental obsession? It's the reason we can't stop and stay stopped based purely on our own resources (e.g. with no meetings, no therapy, no medication, no doctors, no other drugs, no substitutions, etc.). It’s the mental obsession that allows for relapse in the first place – without it, there is no desire to use. I can’t remove the mental obsession from myself – I need a power greater than myself to do it, and I let that HP in through the steps.

The clincher is that if I do use, I trigger the physical component to the disease. That’s why I once I start, I lose control over the amount I use. I could see that with some drugs and not others (like alcohol, marijuana and heroin), so I thought I did have control – I was both deluded and wrong. As an addict, I am allergic to all drugs, even if I don’t see the abnormal reaction I have to them right away. I have come to understand that I need to practice total abstinence from all mind-altering, mood-changing chemicals (no matter if they come from the street or the pharmacy), for starters. Between the mental obsession that gets us to pick up and the physical allergy that seals the deal, the scenario is desperate and lethal.

What’s incredible is that there is a solution, and it really works. I remember reading you said that you had been going to meetings everyday, at least at one point. Many say "meeting makers make it," but if that's true, what's with all of the meeting makers that don't make it? Staying close to the fellowship is important, and I do happen to go to a lot of meetings, but for an addict/alkie like me meetings aren't enough. I didn’t know that in the beginning. I kept listening to slogans until I found that some of them conflict directly with the solution. I had lost the power of choice with drugs. The 12 steps are the only way that has worked for me.

As an addict, I believe NA gets the first step right – I’m powerless over my addiction (beyond any one substance or combination of substances) and the expanded understanding that the Basic Text and NA fellowship reveals over the disease of addiction has been critical for me. However, personally, the place that I’ve found the solution to my problems has been through the Big Book of AA. The 12 steps, including the directions for taking them, are right there in the book. The ideal, as far as I’m concerned, is to find an addict who has recovered with a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps and knows how to take you through all 12 steps ASAP – not over the course of years (or even months), but like right now. Why stay sick one day longer?

I am rooting for you, I believe in you, and I wish you the very best in your journey to come.

With much love,

SIU

windysan

get well soon

northbelle

Thank you guys all for the most powerful words of encouragement...You guys give me so much hope I can't tell you.
I am alright...got a week clean today. I did not really use long enough to get a huge habit going which is a plus...never started shooting again..a small redeeming factor but I am really having to dig for positives right now..
I don't know what today holds for me but I know what I DON'T want to do today. All it takes is for me to dip my toes back in that water to let me know I don't want to have to swim out in that mess any farther than I have! Thank god...I have lotsof support which of course is pulling me onward right now.
My ex stole 1000 dollars from me right before he left and pretty much went of the deep end so it has been a really rough ending for me...all it took was getting back in the mix and it all went straight to hell one more time. He has a felony warrant out for him and has been making some pretty crazy threats so I have been in total fear all week..still have not picked him up so I am pretty edgy but getting better I think...slowly..with support..I can do this just today! Thank god I saved my own butt while I still had a chance...
love norty