robberton

Hi,

I'm 20 years old and have been taking drugs on and off since I turned 18. (mdma, pills, ketamine, cannabis, speed etc)

I've pretty much been taking everything barring crack, smack and meth.


At the start my usage was really bad, but after discovering that I somehow passed school and got into uni, I stopped and tried to start fresh.

When I got to uni however, it didn't take long for me to fall back into old habits and it was the new drug mephedrone which I sort of became addicted to and ended up having an even worse habit than I did before.

After somehow passing all of my uni work, I started fresh again over the summer and kept away from all drugs, focusing my mind on work. However my alcohol intake was quite bad from time to time.

During my 2nd year of uni I have fallen in and out of the old habits again, except not as bad at all. I'm talking twice a month or something, but sometimes once a week.

So at the moment I still feel out of control.

When I go out I sometimes drink too much which leads everything to go so fast that before I know it I'm sniffing drugs and haven't gotten any sleep again.

Every comedown has me feeling so bad and I really can't understand why I keep doing this to myself.

I don't remember the nights out, it wastes my money, lowers my self esteem, makes me depressed, makes me paranoid.

I also used to enjoy talking about drugs a lot with other people but now it's the last thing I ever want to talk about as I don't like sharing this problem.

If the cons are so many then why am I doing this to myself?

I never crave any substance when I am sober, but when I get drunk it's as if nothing matters, all of my morals go out of the window and I just become the same druggy I was before.

I really can't remember the last time I actually enjoyed going out.

I am not enjoying 1 second of the drug taking anymore. It makes me feel like I'm damaging myself and also wasting my time.

Why can't I just go out and get a little bit drunk, have a good time and then come home with my friends instead of going off and getting drugs?

Maybe stopping drinking is the only real answer, but it's hard not to drink when literally everyone else around me is drunk when I go out.

Is there any advice you can give me?

I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to keep punishing myself for no reason. It's as if I'm purposely stopping myself from reaching my potential and from having a good time.

opmloser

You've got lots of company here on this board-I personally can understand how you feel. I couldn't understand why my friends could stop and go home and I couldn't. The answer is that addiction makes us use compulsively. I found this board and read through thousands of posts and it helped enormously. I would google NA meetings in your area; sometimes being in a room with people who've walked in your shoes is a tremendous help.
Please stay on this board and keep posting - we all care a great deal about you & we're happy you found us!!

FT

Hi Robberton, and welcome to SR!

You are so young and have so much ahead of you, such exciting times. I realize it is hard to visualize those things, feeling the way you do right now.

I am in my 3rd recovery. The first one was from alcohol, over 20 years ago. My husband and I drank for over 15 years, daily, and eventually he realized he had to give up the bars and pool playing, and I had to give up my 1-2 bottle cold duck habit, because the alcohol was running our lives.

When I quit (by the way, it took many tries at being a "social drinker", none of which worked), I was surprised to find that there were ALWAYS other people who were also not drinking, even in bars. I was far from noticeable, never stood out as being a "tee totaler", and no one pushed alcohol at me. I would avoid bars, though, since most people are either there to drink or be with people who are. The non drinkers just don't drink, because they don't want to, don't choose to, or have been in recovery long enough to know they can be in that environment.

It may seem impossible now to you, but once you decide you are simply not a drinker, not a drug taker, not a weed smoker, and live your life with that resolve, it just simply becomes a way of life. Eventually, you figure out a way to relax and have a good time without altering your mental state.

As you get through this -- and I think you can, it's up to you -- you will look back on your alcohol years without romanticizing them, mostly. I still remember the good rush I felt when I downed my first glass of cold duck every afternoon. It took about 3 years before I didn't think about drinking, CONSTANTLY. So, I'm not saying it is easy.

You are recognizing your addictive nature at a young age, and hopefully you won't fall into addictive traps later on in life, like I did. Opiates mainly, for me. I never went back to alcohol. But I fell easily into an opiate addiction after major surgery a couple of years ago, followed by an addiction I am now recovering from.

So, you can do this. You'll hear lots of other stories here. Surround yourself with people who are interested in your staying clean. Hit some AA and NA metings, and you will be surprised to find people JUST LIKE YOU there. You can make some great friends, find some new socializing that is fun, all without alcohol or drugs.

So hey, dude -- you are thinking in the right direction. If you take some positive steps now that support that move, you can do some incredible things, have an incredible life.

FT