nextsteps

Hello today,

I am not the writing type more of a reader but im hoping to find some kind of guidence or pointers from where to go from where I am feeling so stuck.

I and am an alcoholic but also suffer from from a number of orders. Anxiety is one that I struggle with on a daily basis as I have a sever social phobia creating sometimes unbearable anxiety situations. The other is depressive episode, which I often am able to keep unnt eder control.
Unfortunately lately they have both been taking over control and I have been having thoughts of harm that I never usually have. (in the past yes, but none in recent years)
Ill start first by telling the events that have led up to the struggles facing me today. I finished a treatment program at the end of February and had stayed sober for almost sixty days until I had my first slip up. I told my partner about my slip up and we were abe to move past it as best we could. In the last month however I have drinkin on two different occasions but due to the guilt shame and fear hid from my partner what I had done. Three days ago it came out what I had done and a very large argument broke out. Her feelings of anger and betrayel from my lieing and deceving were clearly expressed to me and she was ready to leave without looking back. I am in a same sex relationship and have been with this partner for 5 months. In such a short period of time I have grown to care about her tremendously, much more then I had planned. She is a great person and cares about me deeply. She decided to stay by my side but trust issues are definately there (understandably) and the air is very tense. These feelings of guilt for the drinking and the lies have been eating me up inside.
Further then this, my gf has recently come back in contact with an old boyfriend of hers (their history being ten years prior). Im going to call him Dan. Dan and my gf text eachother all day from morning to night with some breaks in between but to me it seems constant. Dan writes constantly all over her Facebook wall and seems to be always fixated on her status's or updates online. They have hung out only when my gf and I are arguing and never seem to make plans when im in the picture. (They go for walks, drives drinks and food). In fact today I am writing this because of an incedent that took place only and hour ago. Dan msg'd my gf and asked her if she wanted to go for dairy queen (an ice cream spot) she msgd back saying that she couldnt right now because she had plans with another friend but that maybe she could go later. He responded saying that he only wanted to go quickly and that he owuldnt take much of her time. She said "Well Im with my gf" , then said "I could ask her to come". Dan said no never mind later is fine. I didnt see the next msg but I had seen my gf respond with "its okay". ...
I hadnt seen his comment but asked my gf what they were talking about... she told me about the part I had seen but not the part I hadnt.. she opened up the msg and refused to scroll down. She started yelling and acting very suspisious which is completely unlike her. I went up stairs to read a book and try to relax until she came in holding her phone out telling me i could read it now... keeping in mind that it had been 5 minutes already and coincedently the msg was gone.. and so was her msg saying "its okay".
GAHHH! I cant tell f im over reacting but all I know is that my body is full of hurt. I know that I havent been perfect and only recently I told the lies but its making it impossible for my feelings to count. I know that Ive messed up lately but ive recognized my addiction struggle and am continuing to try and make htings right.... my gf says things like "I cant have friends?" and "your just jelous" which makes it hard for me to respond. Of course she can have friends but I just have such a hard time believing that their "friendship" has been anything but normal when it seems to be detached from our relationship. After todays inccedent and seeing her reaction to what had happened and sensing that there are secrets im unaware of its making things really hard.
I know im rambling a whooollllleee lot but my brain is super scattered right now and my anxiety is through the roof. Over the last few days ive had images of hurting myself and repeatedly telling myself that I dont want to do this anymore. by do this I mean live this life of mine...

Whats going on and how do I make sense of this or move past it? which way do I go and how can I get everything back together for my own sanity?.

Im not expecting answers to all these questions just venting my own thoughts.

thanks for the time
much appreciated.

nandm

Welcome to SR.

Thank you for sharing your story.

I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to share but unfortunately do not at this time.

I too am a recovering alcoholic who fights with mental health disorders. What I have found is that although the two are intertwined I have to treat each separately. AA works for treating my alcoholism and my mental health team treat my mental health issues. I do know that if I am not treating my mental health issues I can not stay sober and if I do not treat my alcoholism I will not be able to manage my mental health issues. For me it is a circle with both relying on each other to compliment and support each other.

I guess what I am saying is if you are not already seeing a mental health practitioner maybe it would be a good time to seek that help. But only you can decide what is right for you.

Zencat

Troubles with a significant other are hard to resolve under the best of times. Wile drinking, nothing will get solved. When I entered recovery, I need to spend just about all my time on getting well again. I hope you do stay in recovery and think about everything you need to do in order to be recovered from both alcoholism and mental illness