I'm an idiot!! 3 day relapse!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Orlando,Fl
Posts: 74
I'm an idiot!! 3 day relapse!!
Well kids, I pissed away 5 or 6 weeks of sobriety. Spent the last 3 days popping oxys and hydros. Gah!! What a jackass I am. I just got to where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. To those of you that feel great after 2 weeks, good for you!! As for me, I still felt like crap!! The lack of energy and motivation was the killer for me. I am used too running 100mph from sunup to midnight and couldn't take the doldrums anymore. Well, I'm back to square one and my head is really fuzzy. My equilibium is shot again and I feel like the tail end of a donkey. Oh well, back on the wagon again. I feel like I let everybody down, myself especially. I would have thought that after 5 or 6 weeks I would be back to normal, but alas I was wrong. I guess I have to put my head down and start plowing through it again. F' me!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 35
Hang in there my friend. We've all been there (at least most of us it seems) just dust yourself off and get back on. Were all human. If you want it, you'll do it. At least you know that you screwed up and hopefully you learned and keep trying. Good luck and keep us posted!
What would Captain America do?
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 83
Go easy bro, no one knows what the plan is for us. Perhaps this is the time it sticks... I thought my last and first quitting experience was it, but I was deceived by my own mind tricks. Hopefully this time you can say "not this time you little bastards!" You got this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Sanford, Maine
Posts: 75
Go easy on yourself my friend. I know all to well how your feel as I have done it a dozen times. The good news is your withdrawals will be little to non existent. It's all mental. Go look in the mirror, laugh at yourself and get your a$$ back on the horse 
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
Harley, I am sorry to hear about your relapse, I've been there countless times myself. Just pick yourself back up, learn from your mistakes and keep on keepin' on We are here for you every step of the way, even when there are bumps in the road. It's not going to be easy my friend, but nothing worthwhile is. Keep posting as often as you need, I know you can do this.
-Jess
We are here for you every step of the way, even when there are bumps in the road. It's not going to be easy my friend, but nothing worthwhile is. Keep posting as often as you need, I know you can do this. -Jess
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Harley,
I've said this before, and is not my phrase but I like it -- there can be no measure of success without failure.
Use this relapse to learn from.
I'm in my third recovery. I'm too old to try for another one. That thought scares me to death. As you are finding out, it just isn't worth using again, as you will be straight back up to extremely high doses again really rapidly, because your dopamine receptors do not "forget" where you came from.
FT
I've said this before, and is not my phrase but I like it -- there can be no measure of success without failure.
Use this relapse to learn from.
I'm in my third recovery. I'm too old to try for another one. That thought scares me to death. As you are finding out, it just isn't worth using again, as you will be straight back up to extremely high doses again really rapidly, because your dopamine receptors do not "forget" where you came from.
FT
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: little rock, ar
Posts: 151
Just keep trying. Problems are not stop signs they are guidelines. You are not a horrible person, you just haven't gotten it yet. It's going to be okay. Keep trying, keep trucking along and you will get this thing. keep your head up!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Hang in there!
Be a little more forgiving of yourself. We tend to want instant gratification, and if it isn't there as quickly as we want, we tend to throw in the towel.
Addiction is a progressive disease, and everyone starts off from a different jumping point. No two experiences are the same. Your recovery process depends on where you are on the slide when you decide to jump in; and whether you jump in with both feet, or only dip your big toe in to test the waters.
The typical progression of the disease first affects your spirtual values, then your mental health is impacted, and finally, your physical health is impacted. Some never have to deal with the physical impact. As you detox and recover, the reverse is true...the physical comes back first, then your mental clarity and finally, your spirtuality. It certainly is possible for someone to feel great after two weeks; especially where the physical body is concerned. Recovery is a process and generally not achieved in three weeks. When you take that into account, and the fact that addicts generally crave intensity as opposed to "normal" mood swings, you could see the challenge.
For the first month, my body felt great, but I felt my brain was no more effective than a head of lettuce. But I had to believe. I also was told that when you cut a behavior off suddenly, you stand a better chance at success if you fill the vaccuum created with something else. It was this understanding that helped me get through the first few months. I substituted alcohol with meetings. I accepted that it was okay to "do nothing heavy" for a while. After two weeks, my physical body felt better. I lived one day at a time, made my sobriety first and foremost, and when my brain came back, I sought a job (was so sick I couldn't even go to work), and dealt with the financial woes, court appearances and everything that scared the ****t out of me, one day at a time. That was seventeen years ago.
At this point, just believe and do anything you can that is different from what you normally do. Hand your brain over to someone who has successfully achieved long term sobriety. Keep talking, keep listening, keep doing things differently. Above all, believe it is possible. If you are accustomed to going 100 mph from sunrise to sunset; slow down! Hell, I was even told that if I put my left leg into my pants first in the morning, that I was to change it and put my right leg in first. I did that. I listened to everything that those who successfully attained sobriety told me to do.
Good luck, hang in there, and slow down. It is so worth it!
Be a little more forgiving of yourself. We tend to want instant gratification, and if it isn't there as quickly as we want, we tend to throw in the towel.
Addiction is a progressive disease, and everyone starts off from a different jumping point. No two experiences are the same. Your recovery process depends on where you are on the slide when you decide to jump in; and whether you jump in with both feet, or only dip your big toe in to test the waters.
The typical progression of the disease first affects your spirtual values, then your mental health is impacted, and finally, your physical health is impacted. Some never have to deal with the physical impact. As you detox and recover, the reverse is true...the physical comes back first, then your mental clarity and finally, your spirtuality. It certainly is possible for someone to feel great after two weeks; especially where the physical body is concerned. Recovery is a process and generally not achieved in three weeks. When you take that into account, and the fact that addicts generally crave intensity as opposed to "normal" mood swings, you could see the challenge.
For the first month, my body felt great, but I felt my brain was no more effective than a head of lettuce. But I had to believe. I also was told that when you cut a behavior off suddenly, you stand a better chance at success if you fill the vaccuum created with something else. It was this understanding that helped me get through the first few months. I substituted alcohol with meetings. I accepted that it was okay to "do nothing heavy" for a while. After two weeks, my physical body felt better. I lived one day at a time, made my sobriety first and foremost, and when my brain came back, I sought a job (was so sick I couldn't even go to work), and dealt with the financial woes, court appearances and everything that scared the ****t out of me, one day at a time. That was seventeen years ago.
At this point, just believe and do anything you can that is different from what you normally do. Hand your brain over to someone who has successfully achieved long term sobriety. Keep talking, keep listening, keep doing things differently. Above all, believe it is possible. If you are accustomed to going 100 mph from sunrise to sunset; slow down! Hell, I was even told that if I put my left leg into my pants first in the morning, that I was to change it and put my right leg in first. I did that. I listened to everything that those who successfully attained sobriety told me to do.
Good luck, hang in there, and slow down. It is so worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Orlando,Fl
Posts: 74
Well, day one sucks. My brain is mush and my body is shot, but no RLS. I don't feel like the physical stuff from when I quit cold turkey 5 1/2 weeks ago.I'm just pissed at myself for throwing it away. I flew myself to Colorado and sat in a cabin in the mountains for the first 3 weeks to get away from it all. I climbed the walls and rode it out. Now I'm back home to all the same stuff and I blew it. Oh well, tomorow will be day 2.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Harley,
You didn't throw anything away. Recovery is still yours to claim.
I often refer to days in recovery like money in the bank. The more you accumulate, the better you feel.
I don't think you spent your whole wad.
FT
You didn't throw anything away. Recovery is still yours to claim.
I often refer to days in recovery like money in the bank. The more you accumulate, the better you feel.
I don't think you spent your whole wad.
FT
College Graduate
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 127
Welcome to day 2 HB, I remember the posting and conversations we had before, and by your own description, you have alot of stressors.
TBH I still have days where I feel like ****, and I am well into 2 months clean this time. I have seen a few people talk about "well you were on these drugs for longer than 2 months so what did you expect".
I think that pink cloud that people talk about when you first get sober is true, and once it pops you have to face life again, without the crutch, and it F'in sucks.
I know you talked about riding and even though gas prices suck, is there a way to ride or get your mind off of these things.
I wish I had better advice, but I am in the same spot as you, staring at the reality of life without my crutch, so I do feel your pain (in my own way)
Good luck, its not the end, just a new beginning or some such line. Keep posting here, vent and let it out, you know you can always get a good debate out of me!
TBH I still have days where I feel like ****, and I am well into 2 months clean this time. I have seen a few people talk about "well you were on these drugs for longer than 2 months so what did you expect".
I think that pink cloud that people talk about when you first get sober is true, and once it pops you have to face life again, without the crutch, and it F'in sucks.
I know you talked about riding and even though gas prices suck, is there a way to ride or get your mind off of these things.
I wish I had better advice, but I am in the same spot as you, staring at the reality of life without my crutch, so I do feel your pain (in my own way)
Good luck, its not the end, just a new beginning or some such line. Keep posting here, vent and let it out, you know you can always get a good debate out of me!
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
Thanks, fs. What you say is true. I am in complete agreement that there is a "pink cloud" at first, and then when that bursts, you're right...it can f'kn suck IF you don't follow through to change some "stinkin' thinkin"
My immediate problem was that I looked too far into the future, focused on the unresolved problems I created while I was using and which continued to fester, and was quite frankly overwhelmed. I had no idea how to tackle it, and it scared the crap out of me. I also found that I easily reverted to the role of "victim", when in fact, many of the problems I faced were caused by me. So easy to blame others.
Through program and treatment, I was able to dissect what looked like a huge football field into yards. I came to realize the barflies who were my "friends" (which I surrounded myself with for years) were not what was needed for me to get sober. Most of them (if not all of them) disappeared anyway. I was quite lonely, but not alone, because I found support through AA and an alcohol treatment program. Early in recovery, it is about abstinence. After the pink bubble bursts, it is about belief and doing that changes your outlook. Results count. Failures count as well, for they teach you things. One foot in front of the other; and believe it is possible. Simple....but not easy.
Many resist the AA program for whatever their reasons may be. For me, it was essential because the symptom of the disease is substance abuse, but the underlying causes have to be addressed. If everything sucks in your mind, then you will generally attract that kind of a life, and it won't be long before you need to go back to where you were. If, however, you can change your thoughts and bring your mind to a better place, you will know success that is immeasurable. Program has the tools, and the program can be adapted to your belief system.
I have learned so much from program. I have learned tools to handle pretty much anything, and I know I don't have to go it alone. All these years later, I don't wake up and say "I'm an alcoholic" and I am not permeated by a dark cloud (or a pink cloud) for that matter. I didn't turn AA into a houseboat, but rather used it as a lifeboat. I admire those that stick with it throughout their life. They probably don't get into dry drunk episodes like I do. When I feel the need, I pop in every once in a while to remember my gratitude, to reaffirm the program's message, and to remember where I once was. I generally try to live my life to be of service to my family, friends, clients, neighbors and strangers, and the dividends are paid through my quality of life. That loneliness has been replaced with a feeling of being one of many, and not just alcoholics. I find you attract what you put out there.
Like I said earlier, hang in there. Change is a'coming, if you work with it.
My immediate problem was that I looked too far into the future, focused on the unresolved problems I created while I was using and which continued to fester, and was quite frankly overwhelmed. I had no idea how to tackle it, and it scared the crap out of me. I also found that I easily reverted to the role of "victim", when in fact, many of the problems I faced were caused by me. So easy to blame others.
Through program and treatment, I was able to dissect what looked like a huge football field into yards. I came to realize the barflies who were my "friends" (which I surrounded myself with for years) were not what was needed for me to get sober. Most of them (if not all of them) disappeared anyway. I was quite lonely, but not alone, because I found support through AA and an alcohol treatment program. Early in recovery, it is about abstinence. After the pink bubble bursts, it is about belief and doing that changes your outlook. Results count. Failures count as well, for they teach you things. One foot in front of the other; and believe it is possible. Simple....but not easy.
Many resist the AA program for whatever their reasons may be. For me, it was essential because the symptom of the disease is substance abuse, but the underlying causes have to be addressed. If everything sucks in your mind, then you will generally attract that kind of a life, and it won't be long before you need to go back to where you were. If, however, you can change your thoughts and bring your mind to a better place, you will know success that is immeasurable. Program has the tools, and the program can be adapted to your belief system.
I have learned so much from program. I have learned tools to handle pretty much anything, and I know I don't have to go it alone. All these years later, I don't wake up and say "I'm an alcoholic" and I am not permeated by a dark cloud (or a pink cloud) for that matter. I didn't turn AA into a houseboat, but rather used it as a lifeboat. I admire those that stick with it throughout their life. They probably don't get into dry drunk episodes like I do. When I feel the need, I pop in every once in a while to remember my gratitude, to reaffirm the program's message, and to remember where I once was. I generally try to live my life to be of service to my family, friends, clients, neighbors and strangers, and the dividends are paid through my quality of life. That loneliness has been replaced with a feeling of being one of many, and not just alcoholics. I find you attract what you put out there.
Like I said earlier, hang in there. Change is a'coming, if you work with it.
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