chickadee

Hello everyone, I've been a sometime lurker for years. I want to thank *everyone* who has posted to this forum, because you have all helped me to "reason things out", sometimes in the wee hours of night.

I am currently bombing at work again, and it's a place I've gotton to on every job I've ever had. At least now, with 3 years of program under my belt, I am able to *see* the pattern that I keep repeating. I just need to talk about it with people who have been there. It would help to hear how others who have this problem have have used the program to help them *change*.

I am struggling with shame over being 56 and unable to stay in a job for more than 2-3 years because I reenact the same painful conflict with my manager. Don't want to obsess over the details here. In short, I become angry and resentful because my manager is not kind to me, helpful, appreciative, etc. I fight with my manager for authority in setting my workload, always wanting to do more than what is wanted and at a higher quality level than is wanted or needed, even. It takes about 2 years for me to become a complete martyr to my work and my manager. The end result: I am working insane hours, bursting with resentment, allowing it to show, being grumpy, irritable, angry, paranoid, mixed with big doses of people pleasing and insincerity. While still churning out the work of 3 without being asked to do so. I then have an emotional and sometimes physical crisis and quit.

I know this behavior puzzles others, including the targeted managers. I am a top performer, highly skilled, very senior in experience, trustworthy and responsible. But my attitude is *lousy* because of this emotional drama. I have trouble with co-workers too, and I make myself unpopular by being standoffish, superior, high-strung, and paranoid. OUCH! Just hate to say that but it's true.

So *ashamed* of this pattern. I mean, I'm *56* and have had a lifetime of this.

I feel so *alone* in this problem, never hear similar stories at meetings.

If you can identify, please share how you have used Program to help you *in the day* with it.

Thanks for reading this!

tromboneliness

In the Program™, they talk about "Awareness, Acceptance, and Action." From the looks of things, you've got the Awareness part -- people-pleasing behavior, the weight of the world being on your shoulders (because if you don't do it, who will?), and, eventually, martyrdom and resentment.

Have you ever worked as a consultant? If you're in a line of work where that's possible, someone with the habits you describe can at least rake in some serious cash doing it -- your meter is ticking every hour you're on the job, and if you do high-quality work, that tends to lead to more gigs.

Otherwise, no advice except the standard "Go to Al-Anon. Keep going until you get it."

Based on my own career, I've worked with a number of people given to people-pleasing/martyr behavior -- and what tends to happen is exactly what you describe: you're never appreciated, co-workers either ignore or resent you, and the more you do, the more work the boss dumps on you, because he knows you can be counted on to do it. If I were your boss, I'd probably be doing the same thing -- he wants the work to get done, and you're the best person he's got... so who can blame him?

T

GingerM

My therapist asked me recently "Do you trust The Universe to take care of itself?"

Most people who grow up in chaotic families do not have any faith that if they don't do [action] that The Universe will not take care of [action] in some way without your input. I certainly know that I don't trust The Universe to take care of itself.

The problem with not trusting The Universe is that we try to take care of everything ourselves. And we're good at it because we've got so much experience at it. But it means we also try to do it ALL.

There's a great blog that did a piece on this sort of behavior. While the author of the blog, to the best of my knowledge, is not an ACoA, the behavior pattern may look familiar to you. Sometimes being able to laugh at it can help: Hyperbole and a Half: This is Why I'll Never be an Adult

And now I must be off to CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!!

tromboneliness

Ha -- another Hyperbole and a Half fan! That has to be our favorite blog.

They say she's got a book deal, too!

T

dbh

Hey Chickadee:

I can definitely relate to your post. That is EXACTLY what I normally do in jobs. After becoming a stay-at-home mother this behavior also occurred in a number of my volunteer positions and in my relationship with my husband. I get frustrated by it too. For what it's worth, I'm 48.

I'd like to say that I don't try to "people please" as much as I used to, but there is a big part of me that still wants praise for the work that I do and if that praise is not sufficient I get resentful and want to leave.

I just quit a committee at my church that I've worked on for the past four years because I felt like I wasn't being appreciated enough. Some members where also criticizing the job that I was doing and that really sent me off the deep up. STILL have difficulty with criticism :-)

I feel that it's a plus that I'm noticing the pattern. Also, what's different about the in-recovery me vs. the pre-recovery me is that I at least spoke with the main person I was having the conflict with prior to leaving the group. I kept the conversation about me and told her specific reasons why I was frustrated.

Last year, I was ready to quit as co-leader of my daughter's girl scout troop for similar reasons. I had a talk with the leader and we were able to resolve our issues and have worked well together for another year. I guess that's progress.

I'm working on realizing that I can control what I choose to spent my time on (especially with regards to volunteer work, extra hours, relationships, etc). When I invest my time and energy in something it should be because I want to do it and not for the praise that I hope I get later. In so many areas in life, that praise just never comes. It can also reliably come from one one source, me.

I know that the "Big Red Book" available on the WSO/ACA site has a whole chapter on applying the program to work related issues.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

frances2011

I relate. It's so painful, isn't it? I know. How are you feeling today? How are things going since you wrote this note? I know how *shameful* these feelings are, but they are just feelings, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE! It's wonderful that you can write out these feelings and share them.

I came looking this morning for support with a work-related Codie moment.
And I found your post! Thank you for helping me!

I can relate, I can share, I can try to be genuinely helpful to you, I can take a moment to unwind my trigger before I SNAP!....LOL! <---These are some of the ways I'm starting to use the Program to help me.

I got an e-mail this morning from a new-to-me superior that pretty much said, "As submitted, I can't use this article and you won't get paid for it." I started to fly OFF THE HANDLE! How dare she! Who does she think she is! Doesn't she know how HARD I WORKED on that article? In fact, she should be GRATEFUL to me. etc etc etc. I started composing snide passive-aggressive responses to her. Screw it! The whole day is ruined! I am 44 year old professional writer, I am not a kid.

I took a breath. I looked again. I decided that one little e-mail from a PERSON I HAVE NEVER MET does not have the power to ruin my day. Breathe. Count to 10. Have a laugh. Read some AWESOME SR posts.

I feel better! Thank you for your post and for everyone who responded!

Hollyanne

I have so much to relate, I don't have the energy right now to start.
You are not alone.
You can change the outcome.
Go in to manager now and explain how you feel and ask for some time off to work on YOUR issues. Kill two birds with one stone. I bet the manager will be impressed, and you get to unwind a little.

Lala03044

Hi,

I have issues with authority figures, especially @ work.
I'm sure it stems from when I got my first full time job and the assistant vp of the bank told me I had asked stupid questions when I first started. Also, I was involved in an auto accident and another supervisor (at the same bank) said "Did the accident happen in your driveway?" when I called to report the accident. I got along fine with the female boss at that bank.

Then my second job was at a car dealership. I liked my immediate supervisor. She was kinda like a mother figure to the women in the office. However, one of the owners made a sexual remark about my blouse and breasts when I went into his office. I reported this to my immediate supervisor. The owner told me he would listen to us talk in the office and it was worse than listening to the salesmen. Obviously, an exaggeration.

I replied that he had no right to comment on my body. And because of me he had to watch what he said for the first time. Well, I found out years later another woman had filed a sexual harassment case and won. Perhaps I should have done the same but at 20 something years old- I just didn't have it in me.

I also hate management who think they are God's gift because they are in charge and have money. Money doesn't impress me. What impresses me is how one treats others.

I'm also afraid of management. Afraid of making mistakes.
My current manager is a total jerk. He hates women and has napoleon syndrome. I've worked for him for 6 years. 6 years too long.

I'll elaborate on my work situation in a separate post.

Laurie