reality hurts!
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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reality hurts!
Hello, I've been visiting this site for the past few weeks which is helping me and I'm decided to try to quit smoking weed. I know that one of my biggest threats to my recovery is my relationship with my mom, who I still live with.
I hate to admit but I have a lot of resentful feelings toward her that have been boiling under the surface for most of my life, and I'm 29 years old now. My mother was very odd, in that when I was a child, she was concerned with her life and pretty much left me alone all the time. As I got older, I developed mental health problems and drug addiction, she now waits on me hand and foot, which, when I'm stoned, is a dream come true. Now I'm guessing this is called enabling?
It's my first day, and the realization that I have nothing keeping me from the insane rage I've probably been building up for years inside me and all I can do is hide in this room. Yes, I feel helpless and useless and dependent on this person, and I resent it so much. I feel so alone and people around me do not know how painful it is to have this kind of relationship with my mom.
I've been wanting to move out for a long time but never felt like I'd be able to manage on my own. I live of SSI and have crappy life skills because of this situation. I don't know if I should just move out now or focus on recovery. I want to do the 12 steps and anything to feel like a human being with some kind of respect for myself. I have no idea what that feels like. I'm beyond pathetic.
I don't know what to do but this hatred is painful, and I'm sick of feeling like an *******!!! Feeling guilty every day! I always end up yelling at her and she never fights back, she goes to her room and of course I have to come back to ask her for something with my tail between my legs and say I'm sorry! Every day! It's humiliating and I don't want to be this kind of person anymore! I need help, I need a kick in the ass! I don't know how I'm supposed to stay clean living like this! I'm afraid for myself, I am not exaggerating, I'm afraid of the world outside and I don't feel safe here in this apartment with her either!
What should I do? Should I move out? Deal with it until I'm clean for a long time? Move out and keep smoking to keep my from going crazy out there!? I know this makes me sound like a really spoiled brat and if that's what's wrong with me then what should I do, I have no spine!
I hate to admit but I have a lot of resentful feelings toward her that have been boiling under the surface for most of my life, and I'm 29 years old now. My mother was very odd, in that when I was a child, she was concerned with her life and pretty much left me alone all the time. As I got older, I developed mental health problems and drug addiction, she now waits on me hand and foot, which, when I'm stoned, is a dream come true. Now I'm guessing this is called enabling?
It's my first day, and the realization that I have nothing keeping me from the insane rage I've probably been building up for years inside me and all I can do is hide in this room. Yes, I feel helpless and useless and dependent on this person, and I resent it so much. I feel so alone and people around me do not know how painful it is to have this kind of relationship with my mom.
I've been wanting to move out for a long time but never felt like I'd be able to manage on my own. I live of SSI and have crappy life skills because of this situation. I don't know if I should just move out now or focus on recovery. I want to do the 12 steps and anything to feel like a human being with some kind of respect for myself. I have no idea what that feels like. I'm beyond pathetic.
I don't know what to do but this hatred is painful, and I'm sick of feeling like an *******!!! Feeling guilty every day! I always end up yelling at her and she never fights back, she goes to her room and of course I have to come back to ask her for something with my tail between my legs and say I'm sorry! Every day! It's humiliating and I don't want to be this kind of person anymore! I need help, I need a kick in the ass! I don't know how I'm supposed to stay clean living like this! I'm afraid for myself, I am not exaggerating, I'm afraid of the world outside and I don't feel safe here in this apartment with her either!
What should I do? Should I move out? Deal with it until I'm clean for a long time? Move out and keep smoking to keep my from going crazy out there!? I know this makes me sound like a really spoiled brat and if that's what's wrong with me then what should I do, I have no spine!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Yes..if your Mom is "waiting on you hand and foot" it
is called enableing.
You don't have to allow this to continue.
Just begin doing things for yourself....
Marijuana? is that prescribed by your doctors?
is called enableing.
You don't have to allow this to continue.
Just begin doing things for yourself....
Marijuana? is that prescribed by your doctors?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by CarolD 
Yes..if your Mom is "waiting on you hand and foot" it
is called enableing.
You don't have to allow this to continue.
Just begin doing things for yourself....
Marijuana? is that prescribed by your doctors?
is called enableing.
You don't have to allow this to continue.
Just begin doing things for yourself....
Marijuana? is that prescribed by your doctors?
The marijuana I get is not legal. That's one of the reasons I want to quit. I'm paranoid and isolated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Hi Caramia,
I actually reside in the friends and family section usually, but the title of your thread caught my eye! Wow! To me this actually sounds difficult and painful because it sounds like your mother needs you to be dependent on her, but this is your life! Your mother needs to find another "hobby" just as much as you need to get some independence.
I know in my own life I have played out scenarios I don't really understand, and later look at them and think it's like a jigsaw, and sometimes we become a certain "shape" to fit in.
Sounds like you have outgrown this "shape", and you actually sound like you do have a pretty good spine because you see it and you want to change it. Maybe you're afraid of hurting her? Maybe you're afraid you won't survive without her?
You will survive! It will be hard at first, but it is for all of us. That's part of the challenge that makes life a bit interesting.
If you decide to move out, then maybe see a counsellor to help you get through quitting dope, and also dealing with your own feelings of inadequacy. Don't be fooled - we all have those feelings at times, it's not only you. It's just how to learn to deal with it all.
You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother probably has her own issues to deal with, but you getting happy and feeling good about yourself can only be a good thing.
Good luck xxxxx
I actually reside in the friends and family section usually, but the title of your thread caught my eye! Wow! To me this actually sounds difficult and painful because it sounds like your mother needs you to be dependent on her, but this is your life! Your mother needs to find another "hobby" just as much as you need to get some independence.
I know in my own life I have played out scenarios I don't really understand, and later look at them and think it's like a jigsaw, and sometimes we become a certain "shape" to fit in.
Sounds like you have outgrown this "shape", and you actually sound like you do have a pretty good spine because you see it and you want to change it. Maybe you're afraid of hurting her? Maybe you're afraid you won't survive without her?
You will survive! It will be hard at first, but it is for all of us. That's part of the challenge that makes life a bit interesting.
If you decide to move out, then maybe see a counsellor to help you get through quitting dope, and also dealing with your own feelings of inadequacy. Don't be fooled - we all have those feelings at times, it's not only you. It's just how to learn to deal with it all.
You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother probably has her own issues to deal with, but you getting happy and feeling good about yourself can only be a good thing.
Good luck xxxxx
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
Hi Caramania, that sounds like a difficult situation, but you can work your way out of it.
You could begin with making a "move-out" plan. The end of Spring/beginning of Summer is a great time to be looking at apartments, particularly for someone who is just getting accustomed to living on their own (whether this is your first time, or it's just been awhile since you've lived away from your mom).
Check out the sublets/temporary housing listings on Craigslist. Many college students are looking to sublease their apartments for the summer. This is a very affordable and short-term opportunity to move out. While you are living in this subleased apartment, you could continue researching apartments that might be a better long-term fit for you.
Of course, I would recommend NOT using any drugs, now or ever again. You are going to be making some important life decisions, and you need to be healthy and functioning at your most efficient level (not to mention the fact that you will need to maximize your financial resources).
As far as the issue with your mom, I encourage you to work on realizing that you need to live your own life, and live it for yourself. You'll be fine away from your mom, and your mom needs to learn to be fine away from you.
You could begin with making a "move-out" plan. The end of Spring/beginning of Summer is a great time to be looking at apartments, particularly for someone who is just getting accustomed to living on their own (whether this is your first time, or it's just been awhile since you've lived away from your mom).
Check out the sublets/temporary housing listings on Craigslist. Many college students are looking to sublease their apartments for the summer. This is a very affordable and short-term opportunity to move out. While you are living in this subleased apartment, you could continue researching apartments that might be a better long-term fit for you.
Of course, I would recommend NOT using any drugs, now or ever again. You are going to be making some important life decisions, and you need to be healthy and functioning at your most efficient level (not to mention the fact that you will need to maximize your financial resources).
As far as the issue with your mom, I encourage you to work on realizing that you need to live your own life, and live it for yourself. You'll be fine away from your mom, and your mom needs to learn to be fine away from you.
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
Does your mom know you have a problem with pot? Are you using any other substances (abusing your meds, drinking)? In all this yelling at her, are you telling her the things you're telling us--that her behavior is enabling you to keep using? Have you been to a 12-step meeting yet? Do you have a job to support yourself if you were to make plans to move out?
It's hard to tell why your mother is the way she is, and it's tempting to point to her enabling as the problem--maybe it is a problem, but it's not really one you can change. The pot smoking and these resentments are things you can change.
Maybe you'll determine you need to live on your own or away from your mother--but just that change isn't likely to be enough. Not if you're an addict. What can you do now to make changes--in you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It's hard to tell why your mother is the way she is, and it's tempting to point to her enabling as the problem--maybe it is a problem, but it's not really one you can change. The pot smoking and these resentments are things you can change.
Maybe you'll determine you need to live on your own or away from your mother--but just that change isn't likely to be enough. Not if you're an addict. What can you do now to make changes--in you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by milo88
Hi Caramia,
I actually reside in the friends and family section usually, but the title of your thread caught my eye! Wow! To me this actually sounds difficult and painful because it sounds like your mother needs you to be dependent on her, but this is your life! Your mother needs to find another "hobby" just as much as you need to get some independence.
I know in my own life I have played out scenarios I don't really understand, and later look at them and think it's like a jigsaw, and sometimes we become a certain "shape" to fit in.
Sounds like you have outgrown this "shape", and you actually sound like you do have a pretty good spine because you see it and you want to change it. Maybe you're afraid of hurting her? Maybe you're afraid you won't survive without her?
You will survive! It will be hard at first, but it is for all of us. That's part of the challenge that makes life a bit interesting.
If you decide to move out, then maybe see a counsellor to help you get through quitting dope, and also dealing with your own feelings of inadequacy. Don't be fooled - we all have those feelings at times, it's not only you. It's just how to learn to deal with it all.
You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother probably has her own issues to deal with, but you getting happy and feeling good about yourself can only be a good thing.
Good luck xxxxx
I actually reside in the friends and family section usually, but the title of your thread caught my eye! Wow! To me this actually sounds difficult and painful because it sounds like your mother needs you to be dependent on her, but this is your life! Your mother needs to find another "hobby" just as much as you need to get some independence.
I know in my own life I have played out scenarios I don't really understand, and later look at them and think it's like a jigsaw, and sometimes we become a certain "shape" to fit in.
Sounds like you have outgrown this "shape", and you actually sound like you do have a pretty good spine because you see it and you want to change it. Maybe you're afraid of hurting her? Maybe you're afraid you won't survive without her?
You will survive! It will be hard at first, but it is for all of us. That's part of the challenge that makes life a bit interesting.
If you decide to move out, then maybe see a counsellor to help you get through quitting dope, and also dealing with your own feelings of inadequacy. Don't be fooled - we all have those feelings at times, it's not only you. It's just how to learn to deal with it all.
You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother probably has her own issues to deal with, but you getting happy and feeling good about yourself can only be a good thing.
Good luck xxxxx
For a long time I felt like I couldn't make it without her. With all the psychiatrists telling me I was sick while I grew up, I learned to believe them. I think part of me felt like I wasn't THAT hopeless, but I still felt so defeated, like sabotaged. but feeling sorry for myself has slowly gotten me nowhere. I need to change A LOT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by billsaintjames
Hi Caramania, that sounds like a difficult situation, but you can work your way out of it.
You could begin with making a "move-out" plan. The end of Spring/beginning of Summer is a great time to be looking at apartments, particularly for someone who is just getting accustomed to living on their own (whether this is your first time, or it's just been awhile since you've lived away from your mom).
Check out the sublets/temporary housing listings on Craigslist. Many college students are looking to sublease their apartments for the summer. This is a very affordable and short-term opportunity to move out. While you are living in this subleased apartment, you could continue researching apartments that might be a better long-term fit for you.
Of course, I would recommend NOT using any drugs, now or ever again. You are going to be making some important life decisions, and you need to be healthy and functioning at your most efficient level (not to mention the fact that you will need to maximize your financial resources).
As far as the issue with your mom, I encourage you to work on realizing that you need to live your own life, and live it for yourself. You'll be fine away from your mom, and your mom needs to learn to be fine away from you.
You could begin with making a "move-out" plan. The end of Spring/beginning of Summer is a great time to be looking at apartments, particularly for someone who is just getting accustomed to living on their own (whether this is your first time, or it's just been awhile since you've lived away from your mom).
Check out the sublets/temporary housing listings on Craigslist. Many college students are looking to sublease their apartments for the summer. This is a very affordable and short-term opportunity to move out. While you are living in this subleased apartment, you could continue researching apartments that might be a better long-term fit for you.
Of course, I would recommend NOT using any drugs, now or ever again. You are going to be making some important life decisions, and you need to be healthy and functioning at your most efficient level (not to mention the fact that you will need to maximize your financial resources).
As far as the issue with your mom, I encourage you to work on realizing that you need to live your own life, and live it for yourself. You'll be fine away from your mom, and your mom needs to learn to be fine away from you.
I've actually been looking at craigslist almost every day now and see it's possible to live on my own, even with the money I have now. I totally agree that I need to be clean. Smoking weed makes me feel ashamed and irresponsible, when I know better. I'm glad I made it through the night too. Last night I felt the anger with her again, but I came on here and wrote about instead, in which I would've been getting stoned in the past.
It will be fine, I feel more confident about it. I DO want to get better and have my own life.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Take it from a 59 year old mom of two grown sons in their 30's: Letting go of your children is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Your mom may be having trouble with this, especially if she feels guilty about not mothering you well as a child. She will try to do it now, and it is not a healthy behavior.
You need to get away, become independent. It will hurt at first. You will miss your mom, and it will be really painful for her to let go of you. But it is a necessary part of human development. You need to move on and adapt an adult lifestyle. She needs to let go of you and move on to being a mother of an adult, who no longer should be babied. Very very bad for both of you. Imagine yourself at 40 and think of where you want to be. My guess is that it is not being at home with mom and not having other healthy adult relationships with a life partner who is NOT your mom.
Take care,
FT
You need to get away, become independent. It will hurt at first. You will miss your mom, and it will be really painful for her to let go of you. But it is a necessary part of human development. You need to move on and adapt an adult lifestyle. She needs to let go of you and move on to being a mother of an adult, who no longer should be babied. Very very bad for both of you. Imagine yourself at 40 and think of where you want to be. My guess is that it is not being at home with mom and not having other healthy adult relationships with a life partner who is NOT your mom.
Take care,
FT
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by Sugah
Does your mom know you have a problem with pot? Are you using any other substances (abusing your meds, drinking)? In all this yelling at her, are you telling her the things you're telling us--that her behavior is enabling you to keep using? Have you been to a 12-step meeting yet? Do you have a job to support yourself if you were to make plans to move out?
It's hard to tell why your mother is the way she is, and it's tempting to point to her enabling as the problem--maybe it is a problem, but it's not really one you can change. The pot smoking and these resentments are things you can change.
Maybe you'll determine you need to live on your own or away from your mother--but just that change isn't likely to be enough. Not if you're an addict. What can you do now to make changes--in you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
It's hard to tell why your mother is the way she is, and it's tempting to point to her enabling as the problem--maybe it is a problem, but it's not really one you can change. The pot smoking and these resentments are things you can change.
Maybe you'll determine you need to live on your own or away from your mother--but just that change isn't likely to be enough. Not if you're an addict. What can you do now to make changes--in you?
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Yes, in my yelling it's basically crying out for respect for my boundaries, although I don't even know what my boundaries are. I yell to give me space, she bothers with a lot of talking nonsense and I'm a quiet introverted person. I have no close friends and pushed away my family.
I was going to NA last year and got four months clean from pot but started drinking beer after 60 days. I was lonely and got involved with another member and pretty much flushed my recovery down the toilet. Now I'm back to square one, and I'm going back.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by caramia
I'm glad I made it through the night too. Last night I felt the anger with her again, but I came on here and wrote about instead, in which I would've been getting stoned in the past.
Because, after all, that is whatīs so dangerous about MJ. Smoking one bowl to deal with one stressful evening is a lot different than pounding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Generally speaking, itīs cheaper, there arenīt immediate consequences, youīre not endangering yourself or anyone else, youīre not liable to make a fool out of yourself, etc.
But, that one bowl, compounded over time, is a recipe for disaster. I know that as an MJ addict, I canīt smoke even once. Addiction is a progressive disease. I will never be able to control my marijuana use, period.
I enjoy seeing and participating in threads focused on marijuana here at SR, so I encourage you to continue to post! It is my DOC and I like talking with other people who struggle with it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by failedtaper
Take it from a 59 year old mom of two grown sons in their 30's: Letting go of your children is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Your mom may be having trouble with this, especially if she feels guilty about not mothering you well as a child. She will try to do it now, and it is not a healthy behavior.
You need to get away, become independent. It will hurt at first. You will miss your mom, and it will be really painful for her to let go of you. But it is a necessary part of human development. You need to move on and adapt an adult lifestyle. She needs to let go of you and move on to being a mother of an adult, who no longer should be babied. Very very bad for both of you. Imagine yourself at 40 and think of where you want to be. My guess is that it is not being at home with mom and not having other healthy adult relationships with a life partner who is NOT your mom.
Take care,
FT
You need to get away, become independent. It will hurt at first. You will miss your mom, and it will be really painful for her to let go of you. But it is a necessary part of human development. You need to move on and adapt an adult lifestyle. She needs to let go of you and move on to being a mother of an adult, who no longer should be babied. Very very bad for both of you. Imagine yourself at 40 and think of where you want to be. My guess is that it is not being at home with mom and not having other healthy adult relationships with a life partner who is NOT your mom.
Take care,
FT
I don't know how she's going to move on. I don't think she thought I'd ever change. But when I'm 40, I want to see myself working, clean and drug-free, and independent. I want a real relationship with her... one where I can appreciate her. She is a wonderful person with a good heart and helps everyone but I think her idea of helping me is hurting me.
Oh well, I just came back from a meeting. I feel really optimistic and hopeful. I know that I just need to be persistent in my recovery. I'm so glad i'm reaching out more too. With these forums, meetings, and the steps, I feel the love and support
Thank you so much
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by billsaintjames
Thatīs great that you decided to post on here instead of smoking!
Because, after all, that is whatīs so dangerous about MJ. Smoking one bowl to deal with one stressful evening is a lot different than pounding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Generally speaking, itīs cheaper, there arenīt immediate consequences, youīre not endangering yourself or anyone else, youīre not liable to make a fool out of yourself, etc.
But, that one bowl, compounded over time, is a recipe for disaster. I know that as an MJ addict, I canīt smoke even once. Addiction is a progressive disease. I will never be able to control my marijuana use, period.
I enjoy seeing and participating in threads focused on marijuana here at SR, so I encourage you to continue to post! It is my DOC and I like talking with other people who struggle with it.
Because, after all, that is whatīs so dangerous about MJ. Smoking one bowl to deal with one stressful evening is a lot different than pounding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Generally speaking, itīs cheaper, there arenīt immediate consequences, youīre not endangering yourself or anyone else, youīre not liable to make a fool out of yourself, etc.
But, that one bowl, compounded over time, is a recipe for disaster. I know that as an MJ addict, I canīt smoke even once. Addiction is a progressive disease. I will never be able to control my marijuana use, period.
I enjoy seeing and participating in threads focused on marijuana here at SR, so I encourage you to continue to post! It is my DOC and I like talking with other people who struggle with it.
I'll keep coming back here and posting, this helps so much. Weed is my drug of dependence, but maybe it's a choice. I'm still learning about addiction and there seems to be a lot to learn.
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