shutterbug

i believe i'm heading downward into my 4th major depressive episode if things don't start to turn around. It's to the point i am fearing i may end up in the hospital again if anything else drops onto my shoulders.

i am isolating and have put back on all my pre-skating weight (i'd gone from 214 down to 188...and lost a gazillion inches)...plus some pounds.

i am in a relationhip that will hit the 10 month mark on the 11th....although since valentines my partner doesn't consider us "in a relationship". we are exclusive and usually see each other daily and basically act as if married....but without any kind of label which is insulting to me (especially seeing as how my partner had proposed to me 3 different times prior to christmas and we had set a date of 11/11/11).

and my job....i'm a live-in caregiver for a bed-ridden, 92-yr-old. the job feels like a ticking time bomb....as i have no clue how long she has left and when she goes i lose my place to live and income, in addition to losing her which will be very emotionally painful for me as i often cry over watching he decline.

lost....that's the best word for how i'm feeling. and frustrated....lots and lots of frustration.

nandm

I can so relate to despair, loss of hope, fear, and frustration right now.

I have been in a relationship like you describe. Unfortunately, it did not work out and I was the one who's heart was broken. It sounds like she has already left the relationship and is just wanting someone there when she needs someone or doesn't want to be alone. I could easily be wrong though but that is my experience.

How I hate bipolar depression, it is so crushing, smothering, and painful. I wish I could say something that would make it better or go away but as we both know there is no easy fix out there. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

tyler

It's so frustrating when you can feel the depression coming on, yet feel unable to do anything to stop it. What are some of the things you have done in the past when you started feeling bad? I know, for me, the things I want to do the least are the ones I need to do most.

When I'm not feeling like going to the gym, that is when I really feel better afterward. When I don't feel like socializing I need to make myself go out, even if it's just among people, not necessarily with them. These are some things that seem to help me.

I've only been out of the hospital about a month, from my latest stay, and I'm still trying to put together a "program" of sorts. I've reached out to find a therpy group, which I hope will be helpful and I am seeing someone individually. I am fortunate to have good insurance, but I know the place I am going will see you even if you can't afford it. Try and reach out and get some face to face help, if you are not allready. You don't have to fall into this depression. I've found that the most important, and possibly hardest, thing to remember is that you will not feel like this forever. It will get better, even if the situation doesn't change much, you will eventualy feel better. I have a real hard time remembering that, so I often reach out for drugs to make it feel instantly better.

Anyway, I hope you feel better and that maybe some of this ramble can help. Take care.

shutterbug

nandm, that's a good way to word it...already left the relationship, but just wanting someone there. I've even pointed this out to her. We are barely talking this week b/c i got irritated sunday and was very blunt about how i think it's ridiculous she doesn't acknowledge we are in a relationship even tho we are in everyway except the label. She hates when i push things, instead of just going with the flow, and knows i suffer when she ignores my texts for days. (usually we text each other all day, every day, and it's extremely hard for me not to text her - even when she isn't responding).

I'm very much mourning the loss of the future i had thought i had found with her.

Tyler - little can help. if my body is going into a major dep...not much can be done. I say this with certainty because of the extensive efforts i went thru in late 2007-early 2008 to keep my 3rd major episode at bay and desperately trying to hold onto my job/career.

exerise does help me....i just need to find a way to MAKE myself do it. I even have a $1,500 eliptical machine in my apartment that was given to me a couple of months ago...and yet, i struggle to get my a$$ on it

thanks for your support guys. i had a thought that my partner maybe displaying some borderline personality disorder symptoms....but as i read over several sites....it seems it maybe very likely that i have more symptoms of it than her. I'd never concidered it....but it sure would explain a lot of the ways that I've felt all my life.

by the way....i'm nearly 35...and this relationship is the longest one i've ever been in other than a 3-4 year one in college with my ex-fiance (who was a giant mama's boy, who refused to work, was an addict, abusive and cheated on my while i supported us and put myself thru college).

so....it's hard to let go of this one....
really, REALLY hard

nandm

I can remember the extent that you went to in trying to find a resolution to the bipolar issues. I can't believe it was that long ago, how times flies. I still think you are one of the best photographers I have seen.

I can relate to having expensive exercise gear just laying around. We basically have a home gym at my house. We have a boxing dummy, a circuit trainer gym system, a nordic trac, an elliptical, a treadmill, a free weight bench, numerous and varied types of exercise videos, as well as a bunch of free weights. Even with all that I can not seem to force myself to even walk on the treadmill for 5 minutes. I guess I should be happy the equipment is being used as my partner is an exercise fanatic. I was at one time but over the years the bipolar and depression have changed that in me. It is so hard to get the energy to walk into the exercise room let alone do anything. I have even tried doing some of the low impact yoga videos we have and could not seem to stay with that.

Long term relationships are hard to find even for people who do not fight with the mental health issues we do. It took me to the age of 35 to find the right person for me. I had to kiss a lot of toads before I got here. Several I wish I had never met. But such is life. I am blessed today and for that I am grateful. I am sure that if this person is not the one for you that you will find someone who is. It is hard to be alone especially when you are fighting with the real things that are going on with you financially and personally. I can remember you talking about the house with the holes in it and you did the best you could to make it a home despite the problems it had. I saw some pictures of how homey you made it.

I can relate about the finances as I know if it were not for my partner I would be homeless. I have been fighting with the disability board for almost 5 years now. I would truly recommend hiring an attorney right now so all the paperwork is filled out right the first time because all it takes is one thing being worded the wrong way for them to pick your whole application apart and deny benefits to you. Most attorneys who handle disability will do it based on if you get the benefits they get paid and if you don't they don't. there is also a cap on how much money that they can take from such a claim. My attorney can not get paid more than $5000 total for all the work she has put in the past almost two years.

Sorry this has been so long. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. Glad to see you posting again as you have been missed. I really appreciate your insights as you have always been able to help me see things from a different light even if that light is just a ray of hope that I did not have prior to reading your posts. Thanks, and take care.

shutterbug

i don't remember posting pics anywhere of the old shack? I also never knew anyone on here ever saw any of my pics. I hate that i forget things like that

yeah, i'm nearly 35 and thought i had finally found someone real for the first time in my life who would truely love me. i was 99.9 percent straight before she waltzed into my life and it felt like our souls had known each other forever. It was weird how comfortable i was with her. just a hug from her always made me feel like i could breath again and all my daily stresses and worries would just melt away. I'd never felt that way before. It was really like i had actually found my "other half" that had been missing all my life....so the switch from straight to bi...wasn't so difficult (except for my mom finding out....nearly lost her over it).

but....this girl is much younger than me and put on a front when we first got together...trying to make herself seem much, much older, wiser and mature b/c she prefers older women. and she appears to have severe PMS issues, but refuses to see a doc for anything (she even had mono shortly after we met and her mom finally drug her to the ER....and they had to give her 5 bags of saline fluids. she was THAT dehydrated). So she's VERY stubborn. She also was raped twice and has pretty bad PTSD from it, but thinks it's in the past and doesn't see a need to address any issues or even really accept that she has PTSD.

her mom is bipolar (and a super huge christian, so she is oblivious about her daughter being gay, which makes things very difficult for me since my girl currently lives with her mom and always wants me to come over there). Her dad beat her severly and mentally abused her so badly that she has only scratched the surface in telling me a little of it.

so.....with her young age, background of mental illness with both parents, i'm pretty positive she has some form of mental illness herself that has yet to fully be realized. I personally see a LOT of bipolar tendencies in her as she often has severe mood swings and the word "irritable" doesn't even begin to describe how she can be sometimes (for seemingly no reason).

shutterbug

i've had so many friends and family apply for SSI and gotten approved in just a few months. Only 1 friend used an attorney....so i really don't know if it would be worth it to get an attorney and then them get part of the initial check?