I am so tired
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I am so tired
I am so tired of:
being tired
feeling overwhelming pain
feeling overwhelming anger
not being able to deal with people
not being able to get thoughts out of my head
being afraid
anxiety
frustration
memories
nightmares
flashbacks
my head going in circles around things with no resolution in sight
the first thought in my head in the morning being suicide
fighting against suicide each and every day
knowing others do not understand and think I am a freak
stressing my partner, my children, and friends out because my disease only seems to get worse not better
not being able to express these things to my therapist as my mind goes blank
getting lost going places that I know how to get to
forgetting things/memory loss
fighting the feeling there is truly no solution to this
fighting giving up hope on a daily basis
not being able to hold down a job because of these things. I want to be able to work like the rest of the world
not being anywhere near "normal"
not having energy
being more comfortable with my dogs than with people
the mood swings which at times are minute to minute
having to take medications that only partially work
having to try new meds to find something that might work
having medications stop working
and the list goes on Ad infinitum
being tired
feeling overwhelming pain
feeling overwhelming anger
not being able to deal with people
not being able to get thoughts out of my head
being afraid
anxiety
frustration
memories
nightmares
flashbacks
my head going in circles around things with no resolution in sight
the first thought in my head in the morning being suicide
fighting against suicide each and every day
knowing others do not understand and think I am a freak
stressing my partner, my children, and friends out because my disease only seems to get worse not better
not being able to express these things to my therapist as my mind goes blank
getting lost going places that I know how to get to
forgetting things/memory loss
fighting the feeling there is truly no solution to this
fighting giving up hope on a daily basis
not being able to hold down a job because of these things. I want to be able to work like the rest of the world
not being anywhere near "normal"
not having energy
being more comfortable with my dogs than with people
the mood swings which at times are minute to minute
having to take medications that only partially work
having to try new meds to find something that might work
having medications stop working
and the list goes on Ad infinitum
MIND OF DESTRUCTIVE TASTE
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 744
I am so sorry that you are in so much pain ((((nandm)))) Oh how your post hits so close to home with me. I can understand so many of the unfortunate things you have stated. I know that doesn't help but just know you are not alone. I wish I had words of advice but someone who is going thru similiar things can't really offer any 
I just needed to let you know that I am here listening and I feel the pain thru your words and I feel it in my heart b/c I struggle with similiar things. *hugs*
-Jess
I just needed to let you know that I am here listening and I feel the pain thru your words and I feel it in my heart b/c I struggle with similiar things. *hugs*-Jess
Life the gift of recovery!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
I found this article today. I helped some so I thought I would share it.
How to Stay Hopeful and Resilient Through Adversity | Adventures in Positive Psychology
How to Stay Hopeful and Resilient Through Adversity | Adventures in Positive Psychology
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
nandm, You may have trouble expressing yourself verbally but your writing is wonderful !
You obviously have a very intelligent, articulate mind ! Get your therapist's email and write to them.....why not ?
Wishing all the best,
Ron
You obviously have a very intelligent, articulate mind ! Get your therapist's email and write to them.....why not ?Wishing all the best,
Ron
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
nandm, it's like you reached into my mind and put words to much of what i'm dealing with.
1. please know that this time of the year is the worst for suicide rates. Records show this. partially because of the season change...coming out of winter and we see non-depressives enjoying life and becoming more active and social when all we feel like doing is isolating and sleeping and can barely function when depressed.
2. it hurts me to read you are in so much pain. i've been gone from the board for a long time, but even with my horrid memory, i remember you have been here for me numerous times...thank you for all the support you have given me. and if you remember very much from my exhaustive journals....you know you are not alone in most of the feelings you are having. ♥
3. are you very active? for the past year, up until december, i had gotten addicted to roller derby and intense workouts and how great it felt to be losing weight and getting in shape despite all my physical limitations. The endorphines and such did more for my depression than any meds ever have! plus there was the added benefit of the social atmosphere. i struggled emensly with that part b/c i don't do well in groups and have extreme social anxiety, but i love skating so much that i pushed through it as best i could. I'm not skating now b/c of some leg issues and my depression has compounded monthly since!!
basically.....try to think of activities or sports groups you could join and start doing that you ENJOY. Finding something you love doing is key! (otherwise you won't keep with it).
i keep trying to make myself start doing 20 minutes of cardio every morning....but hard to push myself to even start when being out of bed is a struggle....which is why derby was so matched for me....i'm competitive and a perfectionist...so i had both internal and external goals giving me constant motivation! Try to find something like that for yourself!
4. have you ever tried tanning? sounds silly, but fake-baking actually seems to help me! It's my believe that we still get vit. D from tannning beds and even tho i take vitamin d suppliments....the only good way to get it into your system is thru sun exposure! and it has sooooo many positive affects on energy and mood!
5. i know how you feel about others not understanding. my partner and i are struggling more and more as my depression inches closer toward becoming another life-altering full-blow major depressive episode. Sex is so key to maintaining healthy relationships....and yet i have NO sex drive! it really makes relationships take a nose dive!
6. after 7-8 years (since i figured out my bipolar/major depressive diagnosis) i have fought against myself in filing for social security disability....even after docs and family advised i do so....and EVEN after losing my hard-earned career.
it feels like a horribly daunting task, but i have begun the paperwork. I keep it right next to my computer and try to work on it for at least a few minutes each week....eventually it'll all get filled out right?
and i know that you can make about $900 a month still while on SSI, and even more if getting paid under the table
for me....i had to come to a realization that it's not about me not being able to work or my pride or whatever....it's about making sure i will be okay in the future...no matter how sick i get. I've been "homeless" and had to live with family and in a run-down house with sewage problems and holes in the floor and roof....and SSI is a way i can know that no matter what happens....i won't ever be without income to help me have a place to live again.
also....i can then have state medical access also.
i don't remember if you are in the U.S. or not, if not....i pray they have some sort of disability options available to you!
7. don't forget to breath. deep breathing can help a lot with stress and anxiety. as can yoga and meditation, even prayer.
8. sleep....try to get regular sleep!
9. i play a card game on my cell, constantly, as a way to help get my brain to stop stressing and worrying and just occupy me with something else. (i'm addicted to it...spider solitare).
10. I typed all this out also as a reminder for myself....every little thing we can do toward our own well-being is helpful....even if it's just me pushing myself to shower or change into a clean pair of pants for the day!
hugs!
1. please know that this time of the year is the worst for suicide rates. Records show this. partially because of the season change...coming out of winter and we see non-depressives enjoying life and becoming more active and social when all we feel like doing is isolating and sleeping and can barely function when depressed.
2. it hurts me to read you are in so much pain. i've been gone from the board for a long time, but even with my horrid memory, i remember you have been here for me numerous times...thank you for all the support you have given me. and if you remember very much from my exhaustive journals....you know you are not alone in most of the feelings you are having. ♥
3. are you very active? for the past year, up until december, i had gotten addicted to roller derby and intense workouts and how great it felt to be losing weight and getting in shape despite all my physical limitations. The endorphines and such did more for my depression than any meds ever have! plus there was the added benefit of the social atmosphere. i struggled emensly with that part b/c i don't do well in groups and have extreme social anxiety, but i love skating so much that i pushed through it as best i could. I'm not skating now b/c of some leg issues and my depression has compounded monthly since!!
basically.....try to think of activities or sports groups you could join and start doing that you ENJOY. Finding something you love doing is key! (otherwise you won't keep with it).
i keep trying to make myself start doing 20 minutes of cardio every morning....but hard to push myself to even start when being out of bed is a struggle....which is why derby was so matched for me....i'm competitive and a perfectionist...so i had both internal and external goals giving me constant motivation! Try to find something like that for yourself!
4. have you ever tried tanning? sounds silly, but fake-baking actually seems to help me! It's my believe that we still get vit. D from tannning beds and even tho i take vitamin d suppliments....the only good way to get it into your system is thru sun exposure! and it has sooooo many positive affects on energy and mood!
5. i know how you feel about others not understanding. my partner and i are struggling more and more as my depression inches closer toward becoming another life-altering full-blow major depressive episode. Sex is so key to maintaining healthy relationships....and yet i have NO sex drive! it really makes relationships take a nose dive!
6. after 7-8 years (since i figured out my bipolar/major depressive diagnosis) i have fought against myself in filing for social security disability....even after docs and family advised i do so....and EVEN after losing my hard-earned career.
it feels like a horribly daunting task, but i have begun the paperwork. I keep it right next to my computer and try to work on it for at least a few minutes each week....eventually it'll all get filled out right?
and i know that you can make about $900 a month still while on SSI, and even more if getting paid under the table
for me....i had to come to a realization that it's not about me not being able to work or my pride or whatever....it's about making sure i will be okay in the future...no matter how sick i get. I've been "homeless" and had to live with family and in a run-down house with sewage problems and holes in the floor and roof....and SSI is a way i can know that no matter what happens....i won't ever be without income to help me have a place to live again.
also....i can then have state medical access also.
i don't remember if you are in the U.S. or not, if not....i pray they have some sort of disability options available to you!
7. don't forget to breath. deep breathing can help a lot with stress and anxiety. as can yoga and meditation, even prayer.
8. sleep....try to get regular sleep!
9. i play a card game on my cell, constantly, as a way to help get my brain to stop stressing and worrying and just occupy me with something else. (i'm addicted to it...spider solitare).
10. I typed all this out also as a reminder for myself....every little thing we can do toward our own well-being is helpful....even if it's just me pushing myself to shower or change into a clean pair of pants for the day!
hugs!
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