ForeverKarla

In my head, when I'm thinking clearly, I know that getting sober and staying that way are what's best for my family and me. When I'm clean, I'm mostly responsible, I take care of my daughter and I complete things during the day that will help benefit my daughter and I. However, those moments are rare, when I'm messed up, I blow off all responsibilities and don't get anything productive accomplished. Like I said before, I hate myself when I'm messed up, but I can't say no when the object of my addiction presents itself. I'll beat myself up mentally about why I can NOT continue to abuse methamphetamines and then as soon as I can get high, I do without a second thought to my earlier mental battle about why I could not continue to get high.

Being clean is definitely what I want to accomplish, I need to do it to feel better about myself and do positive things with my life, but I can't get past my mental blocks. I don't know why I can't say no but I need to learn how because everything I've been trying has been failing for me and I'm SICK of it. I'm sick of thinking constantly about getting high when I'm sober, how I'll just stare at the veins in my arm and think and think and think...it never ends. I'm afraid I'll drive myself crazy, either by continuing to do drugs or taking myself away from them and staying off them.

Is there any light at the end of this f***ed up tunnel?

doggonecarl

You are powerless over your addiction. Is you life unmanageable? If so, admitting it is the first step. Your life can become the one you picture for yourself. Have you thought about a recovery plan?

ForeverKarla

No, I'm not even sure a good way to go about setting up a good recovery plan for myself. Right now all I'm sure is that I want to begin on the path to sobriety but I'm not sure how ready the rest of my mind is to walk away from the drugs completely.

doggonecarl

Run, don't walk, to the nearest NA meeting and talk with folks who have found a way out of the life of loathing that is addiction. Please. You're not going to beat this alone if you aren't sure you want to quit.