New here, hoping to overcome everything

Old 04-30-2011, 02:11 PM
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New here, hoping to overcome everything

Hi everyone. I decided to join this forum because before now, I have never really talked to anyone outside of my nuclear family about my mother's alcoholism. The only people that I've ever talked to are my dad, sister, and boyfriend. I usually keep all of my feelings buried inside and it causes me to have really angry outbursts and I'm just tired of feeling this way.

To make a very long story somewhat shorter...
I'm 23 years old and my mom has been an alcoholic for at least the past 10 years, but I think it all started nearly 13 years ago. I was an only child until I was 10, and I had the ideal childhood. My mom had a full-time job, took me to all of my many activities, was very involved in everything I was doing, had hobbies, etc. Things have just never been the same since my mom started drinking heavily. She doesn't have a job, stays in bed until around 2-3 pm, drinks all day, says mean things, barely ever leaves the house, has no motivation to do anything, lies, steals money from my dad, my younger sister, and me. She isn't the mother I knew. I guess I was about 14-15 when I finally admitted to myself that I basically didn't even have a mother anymore. My dad takes on the role of both parents and he feels guilty about everything. My 12-year-old sister basically knows nothing except an alcoholic mother, and she can't even understand it fully yet.
I recently moved back home for financial reasons. This week my mom went to the hospital and it was discovered she has permanent liver damage. Along with the alcoholism, she had very poor eating habits for the past several years, and now she looks like a skeleton. So, she is now on oxegen (which might be life-long) and will probably have to get her stomach drained regularly. She looks like a frail elderly woman and she's not even 50 yet! She used to be a model, and she's let herself become this. The doctor says she should be able to build her health back up really quickly if she eats right and gets active, but that's easier said then done. Anyway, now my whole family has to deal with this issue. She just came home today. I have a hard time even looking at her. I have very little sympathy. I'M JUST SO ANGRY! I've harbored anger and resentment towards her for so long, but I don't want to be an angry person and let these feelings play a role in my life any longer.
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Old 04-30-2011, 08:45 PM
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Starshaped,
Thanks for sharing this. Wow, this is a real tough situation, I know. How hard it must be for all of you. Did you hear the doctor say that about her being able to recover, or is that what your mom told you? If she has permanent liver damage, I wonder what the long term affects of that are?

Regardless of what your mom does, you have a life, and you can only change you. Could you and your sister go to an alanon meeting together? I knew a lady who came with her preteen daughter. they have alateen too. if you think that might help her. It sounds like you girls could surely use some support, and some ideas of how to help yourselves, from others who understand, and many who deal with an alcoholic daily.

If you could post on the family of alcoholics, too, that will get you more responses. this forum is great, but it is not nearly as active. a great bunch, but weekends are quiet.

Alanon would help your dad too. this must be really hard for him . he could also come here and get some help for his self. your mom cant be changed, by anyone other than her self. I remember wondering why our mother did not love us enough to stop drinking. She always said that she wasn't hurting anyone but herself. I guess she said that in denial, to avoid the pain of facing what she was doing to her children.


Alcoholism is a family disease. You may not be familiar with the three C's.

1. you didnt cause it.
2. you cant control it.
3. you cant cure it.

We must let go. detaching is necessary to maintain sanity. getting caught up in fixing an alcoholic will surely bring frustration. You dont have to stop loving her. if she chooses to live, or to die, that is not anything that you have control over. I know that we talked about it being a disease, but it is not like cancer, in that she does have a choice. Sometimes life becomes so painful for them that they decide to change. Perhaps your mom will.

you will learn a lot about how to manage the anger and frustration . you will learn how to have happiness in your life again. it is not easy, but many , many good people here are doing just that. some of their loved ones recover, but it is a long road of recovery. and your road is different from your moms road. she has to walk hers , and you have to walk yours.

i am sorry that this has happened to you. it sounds like your mom was a pretty good parent until she became dependent on alcohol. It is tragic, but you have to decide that you want peace, no matter what she decides to do. I know it hurts.

it is sad to see someone waste their life and to hurt their children. sometimes life is not fair. but there is joy to be found. you can grab the life you have been given, and live it , you can have peace, serenity, those are not just words. they are really possible.

sending hugs,
chicory
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Old 04-30-2011, 09:37 PM
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Thanks chicory. I enjoyed talking with you in the chat tonight too.

I actually haven't talked to my mom about this illness at all. I have barely looked at her. She disgusts me. Now I have pity for her because I wonder if she's sitting up in her bedroom finally realizing what she did to herself, feeling depressed, scared, lonely, embarrassed. I still can't bring myself to even go in there. I don't know what to say. I want to say, "Are you happy now?!" I do feel bad for her though. Above all, I'm angry.
The doctor told my dad that the damage is permanent, but she should be able to build herself back up if she eats healthy, normal meals and gets physical exercise. The liver issue basically makes fluid build up in her abdomen and lungs, and it also made her anorexic. She NEVER ate. That was going on for years, but you couldn't physically tell. It was only over the past few months that she wasted away to almost nothing. My dad tried to call the doctor tonight to get more info, because it actually says "liver failure" on the discharge papers. That sounds worse than what the doctor told my dad. I've looked info up, but there's so much info on the internet...

My sister is very shy and wouldn't speak to anyone at al-anon. She does need to speak to somebody, but I don't think she will right now. I know she is affected by it, but nobody seems as affected and upset about it as I am. My sister doesn't seem extremely bothered. I know she must be though.

I wasn't aware of the 3 C's before. Luckily, I realize all 3 of those things. I'm beyond that point. I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I'm still really angry she didn't stop for us though. I've turned rather selfish in the past few years. I don't really care about her for the most part, I hate her. I hate her for what she did to us. I don't want to hate my own mother. Oh wait, I don't feel like she's my mother anymore anyway. I hate this being that she became. You're right, she was an excellent parent before this happened. She was the leader of my girl scout troup. She didn't have to take alcohol with her to make it through the day. A few years ago, she went to one of my sister's girl scout meetings, brought a box of wine, was drunk, threw up, and fell down in front of everyone! She wasn't like this back then. It hurts so much because I know what she used to be like and I long for those days so badly.

This issue affects other areas of my life too. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I've been with for 4 years. We plan to get married when we're more settled and can afford it. He hates my mom for what she's done to me and the mean things she's said to him when drunk. I get so angry about her and vent to him and it turns into arguments. He gets frustrated and sometimes he doesn't want to be with me because he has to deal with all the drama of my mom. He won't actually leave me, but he admits al the anger and issues I have dealing with my mom makes it difficult sometimes.

It's very hard to not be affected by her when she's constantly affecting everyone in the family. I don't think she'll drink again, but now with this illness she's going to constantly be affecting everyone. I'm not going to dote over her. My dad will forever have to deal with this, so in turn, I feel I will have to do that too. I can't just abandon my sister and father.
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Old 05-01-2011, 07:37 AM
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Another Chicory Novel

Star,
I remember the hate, the anger, the desperate feelings of what to do. Maybe I was luckier, as my mom was never the "soccer mom" type. she was always lost in her own world, and pretty verbally abusive. My dad was also an alcoholic. She divorced him when I was 12, he left to move many states away, and then she went to work in a bar, her first job ever, and became an alcoholic, a vodka fiend. meaner than ever.

my sisters had it the worst, as they were younger, but i got married at 16 and left. the other two had to face the wrath each night, tho i stayed in touch with the situation. i had a little brother too, who was born from her second marriage,(he divorced her soon after their child was born, due to her being at a bar with friends all the time), and he was very small when she was at her worst. he suffered so much damage from her drunken evil ways. she took him to drinking parties, was mean to him, etc. we begged our step dad who was the nearest thing to a loving parent that we had ever had, to take our brother from her- he had him most of the time anyway, thank God. He got full custody, and then she had complete freedom to drink more than ever. She spiraled , over losing her only son,and fell deeper into her disease. Lost a good job in a factory that she had gotten, by bringing vodka in her thermos.

she went on to verbally and mentally abuse my sisters daily, by falling down drunkeness. she would pass out smoking, burn holes in her chair. her bedroom was full of vodka bottles, under and in every box. She was the original hoarder- the one they coined the phrase for, I think. My sisters would stay with me a lot, and we all hated her so much. we made fun, we planned, and imagined horrid things(we were really hurting). No one ever suggested we try to get her to AA- we did not know anything about it, people in our town were just drunks or normal. I figure someone there must have been a recovering alcoholic, for our small town had three bars , one gas station, and one grocery store.

My sisters both got pregnant, married and moved. both under 18. we watched from a distance as mother drank her self into losing a kidney. we did not listen to her complain about her health, as she had done that all through our childhoods. we were never the children, she was. her doctor would prescribe pain meds, all kinds of stuff, tylenol with codeine. daily she took so many, and it probably sped up her death. after she lost a kidney, we were not there for her, in the hospital or after she came home. we were disgusted at her, when she was in the hospital, for she had not taken care of herself at all. we did not visit her after she came home much and she spent a while alone, her sisters did things for her, tho.. not drinking, but still sick, mentally and physically. we would not listen to her, we did not feel sympathy, not for a long while. finally, we began to go visit her, and to spend time. she was never really well after that, for she had ruined her heart too.

we basically avoided being close, tho she wanted to be a mom to us, finally. we just did not let her close.she had her good ways, her talents. she was such a good cook, and she fed us all when times were tight( as she was on disability by then , and by now I was divorced and raising three children on my own) I stayed with her for a month or two, between jobs. she was still not great with children, but she loved her grandkids. just was grumpy a lot. they have pretty good memories, tho they knew she was cranky and picky, they liked the times we spent there.

I remember once, i wrote her, in my depression, and told her that I needed her to be a mom to me, that I missed having her in my life. she wrote me back, so excited, and told me that she had such regrets about how her life had affected her children. she wanted a chance to be a mother and to be there for me. but something clicked in my mind, and during a call to her, while trying to talk about things, i told her that I took it back- to forget I ever wrote that letter. that i did not feel able to be close. it broke her heart, and later she told me that she tore up my letter . I kept the one she had excitedly wrote to me. it haunts me now, to know i hurt her so deeply, by taking back my request. I can't change that. I wish I had known then what i know now, about this disease. I might have been able to detach with more love.

Before she died, we were not there for her. She was in such a depressed state, she did not even want to get together for Christmas with us. We just let it be, it hurt, and it worried us, but we could not make her better . pain meds and her bad health was taking a toll. They called me at work telling me she had been found dead- she had either fallen( she had this crazy big dog, Tessa, who she loved so much and was forever getting under her feet) and hit her head, or she had had a heart attack. I hope whatever it was, that she did not suffer.

I remember a few weeks before, driving by her house, thinking how much she would love it if I offered to pick up some fast food for her. she loved MacDonalds. but I didnt, i felt badly, but I avoided being held captive by her talking and talking, and hanging on to my visit. I wish I had now. she was only 57 years old. she could draw the prettiest princesses. she had a lovely voice, and was forever humming as she cooked. she loved westerns, iced tea, and reading scary or western books. and her roasts were to die for.
And for someone so consumed by alcoholism and depression, she had a wonderful heartfelt laugh. To this day, I cannot laugh. Not like I wish I could, anyway.

A lot of wonderful people are taken on that death ride of alcoholism. We cant get them off the train, no matter how hard we try. The conductor promises them fun, escape from their worries, fears, and insecurities. It is such a relief for them that they will trade everything they own for it. The only thing that stops them is a train wreck, and often by then they are so damaged , there is not much life left, if they survive the wreck at all.

Some are lucky, and survive. But they have to want to , and they have to mend themselves, we cant do it. it is like they have to rewire their whole being , on their own, with support that comes from others who know where they have been for all those years. We cant begin to know how it is in their minds. I do know that I hate alcohol, with a passion that I have to keep under wraps, for it is not possible that it will ever be banned. I have to let that go.

I had to forgive myself for the anger - that would not have happened if my parents had been loving and not alcoholics. I grew up in a twisted fashion as a result of the sick lessons I was taught as a child. A recovering alcoholic that I met in cosmetology school claimed that she felt a bond with me, and she knew that I had been affected by alcohol. she talked me into going to ACA meetings. finally I realized that i was not crazy, I was just sick from being brought up by sick people.What a difference that made in my life.

There is healing to be had, but you have to get it for yourself. detach from her problems. get help for you , your sister, and encourage your father to do so. that is the only hope for healing from the disease of alcoholism.It just does not go away, even when your alcoholic is gone from your life.

I am sorry for the book, novel, actually. I just know how much anger, pain, and disgust you are feeling. and I am so sorry. I wish this never had to happen to another child, or anyone , ever.

hugs
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Old 05-01-2011, 08:32 AM
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Thanks chicory. Thanks for sharing your story.

It's very difficult for me because my mom will always be in my life. My parents have been married for 25 years and my dad isn't going to divorce her. I told him last night that I wish he had divorced her 10 years ago and taken us away from it all. He said, "I don't know what to do. She's my wife." My family is very close, so if I am around my dad and sister, I will have to be around her too. So, I can I fully detach and not be affected by it if I'll always have to be in contact with her? If I always am in contact with the rest of my family?
Also, I don't think she's going to drink again. I'm not concerned with getting her to stop or recover. I am concerned about my own recovery and know I have to seek it for myself. Like I said before, I haven't been concerned with controlling her drinking or her recovery for a long time. Even if she were to keep drinking, over the past few years I've not been as concerned with the present. Last year when she'd get drunk it was easy for me to ignore it. I didn't care about the current situation anymore, I was just so livid over all the years when I was a child and a teenager that she was like that, all the horrible things she'd done and said to all of us in the past. I'm stuck in the past and can't get over it.
I just have anger from the past 10 years. I don't know how I'll ever really get over it, even if she were to completely turn her life around right now. How do you get over when a parent does that to you? I know, I know, I have to accept that it's a disease and it was the disease that did it, not her. I don't think I'll ever accept that fully, that she didn't have some choice in it. How many times had we tried to get her help? I know she has to want it for herself. I understand. How many times had people tried to talk to her about it? When she was sober, how could she not see how badly she was hurting her family and at least make a small effort to get better? How could she not feel bad enough about what she was doing to her own children? She probanly did, but she just drank more because of it. I know how it works. I'm just not at the point where knowing how it works makes a difference in how I feel. I guess I'm not ready to give up the anger yet.
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Old 05-01-2011, 09:20 AM
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Star,
You dont have to give up any of your feelings, until/ or if you want to. You can learn how to deal with that anger, so that it does not affect your happiness as much. I am glad that you are aware of your feelings, and that you are not caught up in fixing her.

I know how you feel, wondering why they did not care more. Truthfully, in the alcoholics in my life- my mom, my dad, and now my adult son, I see a common personality trait - selfishness. All three of them, self centered, and indulgent. I have always thought that is why it was easier for them to remain unmoved or unaware of the misery and the level of destruction that was being heaped on their family. I dont totally blame the disease of alcohol, believe me!

Your dad sounds like he could surely use alanon. I am sure that you want him to be healthier too, mentally.
i dont know when my anger started going away. I can still get angry, when I think of details of the past. I still hurt, that we little girls were not valued. But, I cannot change that. I can however see that I do have value, and appreciate some lessons learned. I found happiness in my children. and made a point of not being like my mom and dad. being a good parent. i guess my family has given me a new focus. The anger does me no good now, but i went through it. you need to feel your anger, grieve the loss. it just should not be a parent hurting a child. how insane is that!!!

maybe reading some books on alcoholism, if you have not. find out what that liquid does to the brain, making it almost a useless organ, for some. some function fairly well, and some have to be so strong, to keep a job, to get up each day, even tho they have this dependence/ disease. I dont hate alcoholics, i feel for them. i am thankful that i am not one, and I wish there was a way to help them.
You are not alone. That anger can affect your life, if you let it. you have to find a way to serenity, even tho your mom has destroyed so much. I wish it was only their loss, but they take prisoners, usually.
whatever you learn, you can share with your little sister. that may help her more than you will ever know. she may blame herself, sometimes kids do. maybe she can talk to you about it?
thinking of you, hang in there, we are here. and we usually post often- recovery is a process, different for everyone , it seems.

hugs
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Old 05-02-2011, 09:25 AM
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Thanks again chicory.

It helps a lot that you say you don't completely blame the disease of alcohol. Is it odd that I don't know if I ever want to get to the stage of being able to completely blame the disease? I feel like I'd be letting her off the hook and I can't do that.

I guess one reason it's hard is because with other diseases, like cancer, most patients want to be cured. They seek treatment. With a disease like alcoholism, they really have to want to get better, and it's so hard for them to admit they need help and seek it out. I know my mom knew she had a problem (I saw knew b/c she hasn't drank in several weeks and she probably won't drink anymore since my dad won't let it in the house and she isn't going to go anywhere at this point). I just don't think she wanted to admit it to anyone, to professionals. It must feel embarrassing. Also, I know there are a lot of things that supposedly happened in her past that she didn't know how to deal with, and that's one reason she started drinking. She doesn't know how to cope very well. I don't think she wants to go through all those things again, and she knows she'd have to address that stuff. I can't tell you how many times my dad tried to get her to go speak to somebody about those things, but that just made her even more upset (as is often the case for anyone trying to get an alcoholic to seek help). She's lash out and say, "I'm not the one that needs to talk to someone, you are!"

It's hard because the whole situation still has such a hold on my life. My boyfriend lives about 10 hours away and I want to move there. I feel guilty leaving my family here. I feel a little guilty leaving my mom when she's sick. I feel even worse about leaving my dad and sister to have to deal with everything. At the same time, I get angry and think that her situation shouldn't stop me from living my life. That makes me feel guilty though. I'm so upset at her that she can't just be normal so I could live my life and not feel bad about it!

My sister doesn't really talk about it. She used to be scared to stay home alone with our mom because sometimes mom would pass out, so my sister would essentially be all alone. We've both had to worry about her picking us up from school drunk or passing out and forgetting to pick us up all together. I wish she'd talk about it, but I'm not going to force her until she wants to. She doesn't like when we talk about it because I usually end up getting so angry and yelling. Yelling scares her. That makes me feel bad. I just get so worked up over it, and I guess it sort of angers me that nobody else gets as upset about it as I do. I guess it's because my dad feels guilty about it, whereas I don't feel any of it was my fault. Oh, I know we enabled her, but how was I supposed to know when I was a kid!I didn't want people to know my mom was an alcoholic. I didn't want people to pity me.
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Old 05-03-2011, 03:13 PM
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The real key here is for you to understand that:

you have every right to feel angry, and it is not your decision to make. You can't control her actions nor what she has done. The three C's hit the nail on the head.

I have grappled with these issues myself, and essentially my relationship with my mother is almost non existent unless she is trying to hit me up for money or is on cocaine and being a chatty Kathy and calls me to check in.

An important thing you must know is that often times this behaviour can lead to you repeating the same exact behavior yourself. I along with other co-dependents I know have lead ourselves down the same path of destruction. I am a life long co-dependent as my mom has regularily been abusing drugs since my earliest memories, and I am especially worried that your sister could walk down the same path since that is all she has ever known according to your first post. The array of emotions you go through can be mind numbing between: Worrying for their safety, Resentment, anger, a feeling of abandonment, and just generally feeling unloved. It took me a very long time to realize how living in a constant state of lying, fearing family members taking me away, them acting is if they are the victims despite and the whole world is out to get them, and the unfair judgement that people held towards me over her behavior is what was behind a lot of my low self esteem and personal addiction issues.

I am not trying to make this about myself but rather would like to say that you are not alone. It just seems as we get older these issues start to effect us more and more as we understand them. So i have a few questions for you (sorry if i missed them but there was ALOT said)

#1- Do you engage in any addictive type activities such as drinking drugs etc.

#2- Does your sister do alright in school, and how does she manage the problem?

The only reason I ask is because people in our position need to be extra careful, it is very easy to repeat the cycle, and I would hate to see you walk down the road that so many of us have.
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:14 PM
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I'm sorry I haven't been on the site much since I originally joined. I've been really busy with a lot of things.

Milkwaukeeguy, to answer your questions:

1) No, I definitely do not engage in any addictive behavior. I don't drink at all. I have never had an alcoholic drink, let alone been drunk. I've never taken any drugs. I've never even smoked a cigarette. The way my mom is has just turned me off of all that stuff so much. The idea of alcohol disgusts me. Her behavior makes me want to do the complete opposite, which is what I generally do.

2) My sister does okay in school. When she was very young she was diagnosed with a slight learning problem, so most of her difficulties come from that. It's hard to tell how she handles it. She doesn't really talk about it. Unlike me, she doesn't seem to have the anger that I do. At least, she doesn't show it on the outside like I do. I used to argue with my mom. I used to yell and get sooooo mad. I gave up on being that way because all it did was put me in a bad mood.
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