Dementia/alzhiemers and related
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Dementia/alzhiemers and related
Does anyone have any experience of broaching this subject with their parents who may be suffering?
I've known something wasn't quite right with my dad for a while, but possibly put it down to grief. After spending a weekend away with my parents and seeing his driving from the car behind I KNOW it's not just grief!
His driving was abysmal and frightening, he can't remember what he did five minutes ago but has started talking about is childhood a lot there are lots of signs, and I'm no doctor but I've worked with enough poeple with Alzhiemers and dementia to see the signs clearly.
I've been to see our doctor this morning, fortunately my dad and I use the same GP so that made things a little easier.
My GP's hands are tied unless I can convince my dad to make an appointment with him. And the GP said that now I've told him it's on record and I have a legal duty to do all I can to prevent my dad from driving.
I have no idea what to do!
I don't want to alieneate my parents because I know they're both going to need all the help they can get, but if I say something my mother will take it as a slight and stop telling me whats going on. She's done it before, just before Joe came to live with me. She didn't speak to me for months. I don't want that to happen again really, but if it get's my dad the help he needs then I'll risk it as a last resort.
My Doctor gave me the option of a 'plan B' if I cn't get my dad to go in to see him I've to ring his secretary and the doc will try to get him in for a 'review' and run some memory testing then. But that might take a while to arrange.
Any advice, experience or suggestions? I need to get my dad in there, preferably willingly!
I've known something wasn't quite right with my dad for a while, but possibly put it down to grief. After spending a weekend away with my parents and seeing his driving from the car behind I KNOW it's not just grief!
His driving was abysmal and frightening, he can't remember what he did five minutes ago but has started talking about is childhood a lot there are lots of signs, and I'm no doctor but I've worked with enough poeple with Alzhiemers and dementia to see the signs clearly.
I've been to see our doctor this morning, fortunately my dad and I use the same GP so that made things a little easier.
My GP's hands are tied unless I can convince my dad to make an appointment with him. And the GP said that now I've told him it's on record and I have a legal duty to do all I can to prevent my dad from driving.
I have no idea what to do!
I don't want to alieneate my parents because I know they're both going to need all the help they can get, but if I say something my mother will take it as a slight and stop telling me whats going on. She's done it before, just before Joe came to live with me. She didn't speak to me for months. I don't want that to happen again really, but if it get's my dad the help he needs then I'll risk it as a last resort.
My Doctor gave me the option of a 'plan B' if I cn't get my dad to go in to see him I've to ring his secretary and the doc will try to get him in for a 'review' and run some memory testing then. But that might take a while to arrange.
Any advice, experience or suggestions? I need to get my dad in there, preferably willingly!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
I know you don't want your dad to get into trouble...but if he is driving poorly, sooner than later to address it is better. Hate to have him not only hurt himself but someone else.
Anyways, could ultimately report the car to the police next time he drives as "driving erratically" or however you want to phrase it. Read somewhere about someone doing that for her parent, her parent didn't know it was reported by her, the parent was cited to take a driving test- and didn't pass.
Of course, not having a driving license hasn't stopped some from driving...but that is an option if you cannot approach your parent yourself.
And also, need to rule out anything that maybe causing the dementia symptoms..urinary tract infection, electrolyte imbalances, medication interactions/levels, etc.
Anyways, could ultimately report the car to the police next time he drives as "driving erratically" or however you want to phrase it. Read somewhere about someone doing that for her parent, her parent didn't know it was reported by her, the parent was cited to take a driving test- and didn't pass.
Of course, not having a driving license hasn't stopped some from driving...but that is an option if you cannot approach your parent yourself.
And also, need to rule out anything that maybe causing the dementia symptoms..urinary tract infection, electrolyte imbalances, medication interactions/levels, etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Reporting him to the police around here is pointless, I know that from past experience, and I'd prefer to do it in a less traumatic way if I can.
I just wondered if anyone had actually been in the position where they had to discuss this with their parents. I know I have to and very soon, I'm just not sure of the best way to go about it.
I just wondered if anyone had actually been in the position where they had to discuss this with their parents. I know I have to and very soon, I'm just not sure of the best way to go about it.
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
i feel for you! I care for a 92-yr-old in the end stage of dementia and i can't imagine trying to make a parent see and accept the onset of the illness.
perhaps you could somehow video tape or record him or his driving using your cell phone? Video maybe hard to do without him realizing what you are doing, but i know my cell will do voice recordings....so that may be an option. maybe if you get him forgetting what he just said it would help him belive it is happening?
i recently learned that we ALL have a basic predisposition to dementia/alzheimers....so it's nothing for him to feel shame about. but he definetly needs to start preparing for worse things to come and hopefully put his wishes about his future care in writing.
perhaps...you can refuse to ride with him...and also maybe follow him (in a friends car) and video his recklass driving?
what about your mom? is having her talk to him an option?
perhaps you could somehow video tape or record him or his driving using your cell phone? Video maybe hard to do without him realizing what you are doing, but i know my cell will do voice recordings....so that may be an option. maybe if you get him forgetting what he just said it would help him belive it is happening?
i recently learned that we ALL have a basic predisposition to dementia/alzheimers....so it's nothing for him to feel shame about. but he definetly needs to start preparing for worse things to come and hopefully put his wishes about his future care in writing.
perhaps...you can refuse to ride with him...and also maybe follow him (in a friends car) and video his recklass driving?
what about your mom? is having her talk to him an option?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 94
I've had a similar experience with my nan.
Your doctors "plan B" option sounds good, and I would put that into effect straight away so it happens sooner. It doesn't matter if it comes from a doctor the most important thing is that they don't suspect you had anything to do with it.
I'm surprised your mother hasn't done anything about it, but then sometimes we only see what we want to see. I wish you and your family luck!
Your doctors "plan B" option sounds good, and I would put that into effect straight away so it happens sooner. It doesn't matter if it comes from a doctor the most important thing is that they don't suspect you had anything to do with it.
I'm surprised your mother hasn't done anything about it, but then sometimes we only see what we want to see. I wish you and your family luck!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 318
Having a check up is the 1st step. Has your dad or mom mentioned at all concerns about his forgetfulness? There could be any number of reasons that could be the cause. Dementia/Alzheimer's is one possible cause, but it could also be abnormal lab work/blood work levels, abnormal thyroid level, infections (even just a bladder infection) can cause dramatic increase in confusion, depression, TIAs or mini strokes, side effects to medications, and so on.
My grandma was having increased confusion/forgetfulness and was aware of it. Because of that I was able to broach the subject of needing to check up with 1st her primary doctor and then a neurologist, explaining there could be any number of medical causes that needed to be investigated.
In her case, it ended up being early dementia and with meds, she is doing really really well. Fortunately, she hasn't driven in over 30 years as she is blind, so that's not something I've have to deal with.
I frequent another caregiving site and they have a lot of helpful info:
Talking to Seniors About Driving | Caring.com
Talking About Alzheimer's & Driving: How Should I Approach the Topic?
How Can I Stop My Father Driving | Stopping Parent from Driving
State Driving Laws | State Driving Laws Finder | Caring.com
What is Alzheimer's | What is Alzheimer's Disease | Caring.com
Giving Up Driving: Easing the Senior Driving Transition | Caring.com
My grandma was having increased confusion/forgetfulness and was aware of it. Because of that I was able to broach the subject of needing to check up with 1st her primary doctor and then a neurologist, explaining there could be any number of medical causes that needed to be investigated.
In her case, it ended up being early dementia and with meds, she is doing really really well. Fortunately, she hasn't driven in over 30 years as she is blind, so that's not something I've have to deal with.
I frequent another caregiving site and they have a lot of helpful info:
Talking to Seniors About Driving | Caring.com
Talking About Alzheimer's & Driving: How Should I Approach the Topic?
How Can I Stop My Father Driving | Stopping Parent from Driving
State Driving Laws | State Driving Laws Finder | Caring.com
What is Alzheimer's | What is Alzheimer's Disease | Caring.com
Giving Up Driving: Easing the Senior Driving Transition | Caring.com
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I sent a letter to my state's driving agency and they interviewed her and sent her a form for her doctor to fill out. After getting the doctor's form they sent her a letter to give back her license and no more driving. But before that happened I 'took the reins' myself and disconnected her car's battery so she couldn't drive. Now she's used to not driving herself and asks me for rides here and there.
I'd contact your area's driving license agency and tell them your concerns. Maybe they can pull him in for a road test and revoke his license that way. Worth a try.
I talked to my mom and it was pointless as her dementia would not allow her to think about it rationally. She insisted her driving was fine, which it was not, and I was forced to disconnect the battery and "fool" her into thinking her car wasn't working anymore.
I'd contact your area's driving license agency and tell them your concerns. Maybe they can pull him in for a road test and revoke his license that way. Worth a try.
they had to discuss this with their parents
I talked to my mom and it was pointless as her dementia would not allow her to think about it rationally. She insisted her driving was fine, which it was not, and I was forced to disconnect the battery and "fool" her into thinking her car wasn't working anymore.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Dementia is difficult to discuss, especially with the person you are trying to get to accept that something is wrong...they are scared, they don't want to lose control of their own life...I was always accused of "interfering"....(because the house smelled like gas when my mother kept leaving the stove on).
There are several different types of dementia, Alzeimers, Parkinsons related. I attended a seminar given by my mother's nursing home and it was explained that parts of the brain actually "die off", affecting certain functions and the ability to perform DLS...this progresses to the point where....it was heartbreaking to watchmy mother try to remember what needs to be done in the rest room.
My mother died 2 weeks ago, she had advanced Alzeimers. (age 91+).
After grappling with her and her care since 2006, the only thing I can suggest to you is to "pick your battles" and what they don't know won't hurt them. I would follow Least's example of contacting the motor vehicle agency and disconecting the car so he can't drive.
We had a person come to the house everyday for a the first 2 years...made sure that breakfast was eaten and meds were taken properly...my mother hated it and told me so...She got very verbal and angry as the disease progressed.
In the US there is something called a mini-mental evaluationfunction test where the regular family doctor asks a series of standardized questions to determine the person's capacity.
I'm sorry you are going through this, my only suggestion is to stay one step ahead and if you have to lie to them about dismantling the car, you are only doing it for their safety.
There are several different types of dementia, Alzeimers, Parkinsons related. I attended a seminar given by my mother's nursing home and it was explained that parts of the brain actually "die off", affecting certain functions and the ability to perform DLS...this progresses to the point where....it was heartbreaking to watchmy mother try to remember what needs to be done in the rest room.
My mother died 2 weeks ago, she had advanced Alzeimers. (age 91+).
After grappling with her and her care since 2006, the only thing I can suggest to you is to "pick your battles" and what they don't know won't hurt them. I would follow Least's example of contacting the motor vehicle agency and disconecting the car so he can't drive.
We had a person come to the house everyday for a the first 2 years...made sure that breakfast was eaten and meds were taken properly...my mother hated it and told me so...She got very verbal and angry as the disease progressed.
In the US there is something called a mini-mental evaluationfunction test where the regular family doctor asks a series of standardized questions to determine the person's capacity.
I'm sorry you are going through this, my only suggestion is to stay one step ahead and if you have to lie to them about dismantling the car, you are only doing it for their safety.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Lucy
You know I'm in the UK.
Go with plan B - let the doctor call him in for a review.
Don't do anything about the driving - it would be an humiliating and probably scary experience for him.
If this does not go to plan, then involve your mum etc etc.
This might be enough of a hard situation without your mum pointing the finger at you and trying to blame when she gets stressed and angry.
It will be okay - whatever happens.
Sasha
x
You know I'm in the UK.
Go with plan B - let the doctor call him in for a review.
Don't do anything about the driving - it would be an humiliating and probably scary experience for him.
If this does not go to plan, then involve your mum etc etc.
This might be enough of a hard situation without your mum pointing the finger at you and trying to blame when she gets stressed and angry.
It will be okay - whatever happens.
Sasha
x
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
let the doctor call him in for a review.
That could be very productive... IF Dad listened to the doctor (who might suggest not driving anymore) it would be useful. With dementia, there's often paranoia which won't allow them to accept anyone else's help at face value and always see it as 'getting control' over the person with dementia. My mother accuses me of 'ruining' or 'running' her life if I say anything other than "yes mom" "you're right" "that would be good, yes".
Call the doctor with a request that s/he get Dad in for an appt, but in the meantime - disconnect the car's battery. If you know how bad a driver Dad is, wouldn't you just feel horrible if he had a wreck and hurt himself or someone else? It would bother me greatly if that had happened and I hadn't done anything to prevent it. I also talked to the people at the driver license agency and they told me DON'T LET HER DRIVE!! Disconnect the car, do something, anything!! I think it would be a bad idea to just ignore the driving issue. Your dad's life could depend on your action regarding his driving.
My sister's a nurse and has, like FAndy, attended workshops on dementia and caregivers for them. One of the things they were told was, plain and simple: lie to them. Tell them a little white lie for their own good. Pretend it was their idea. You cannot be honest and logical with them as there is no logic left and sometimes too much honesty confuses them. It sure confuses my mom.
When I disconnected mom's battery I made sure that she wouldn't 'accidentally' call a garage to "fix her car" and thus be able to drive again. I put a note in big letters taped to the body of the car in front of the battery that said: DO NOT RECONNECT THIS BATTERY!! CALL ME FIRST!! and put my cell number there. I also stuffed the disconnected cable into a little box and crammed it behind the battery, making it obvious that it had been done deliberately and hadn't just 'fallen off'. Mom was such a bad driver I just couldn't stand the thought that her luck would run out and she'd have an accident.
Didn't mean to write a novel here but this is a subject near to my heart as I'm dealing with my mom's worsening dementia and wondering when this year she'll have to go into assisted living.
Dealing with her is teaching me patience and keeping me clever. Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In Pennsylvania the problem of elderly people behind the wheel of a car has a very humane solution. Simply call the State Police and tell them. The police tell them they must retake the test in order to keep their license. They don't mention who alerted them to the problem.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Thank you all, I haven't had time to get back for a while. I'm in the UK so our laws are different to most of yours. The police have no powers over my dads licence until he commits an offence, the DVLA (Driver and Vehicle Licencing Authority) have all the powers but unless the doctor says he's unfit to drive they can't do anything either.
I can disconnect his battery as many times as it takes, but he can still read and still understands the written word, hell, he still knows where the battery is so he'd 'lose' the note and keep even more secrets from me once he'd found it!
He's been for the results of a blood test related to memory loss this week, my mum told me about it but she hasn't told me what has been said or what the results were.
I've spoken to the doctor about plan B and he's going to ask him in for a review, but obviously he can't force him to go, and the doc can't tell me anything because of patient confidentiality.
I'm still working on it.
I can disconnect his battery as many times as it takes, but he can still read and still understands the written word, hell, he still knows where the battery is so he'd 'lose' the note and keep even more secrets from me once he'd found it!
He's been for the results of a blood test related to memory loss this week, my mum told me about it but she hasn't told me what has been said or what the results were.
I've spoken to the doctor about plan B and he's going to ask him in for a review, but obviously he can't force him to go, and the doc can't tell me anything because of patient confidentiality.
I'm still working on it.
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