navy

I've relapsed and I can't tell anyone. My three years clean is coming up soon and I've relapsed. What is wrong with me... How could I lose all that time in just one day, one moment. I'm a military spouse stressed out about some current changes going on in our life. My marriage is great and my daughter is amazing. I just hate waking up everyday... Doing that pill made it bearable. I have 6 days left here in my hometown before we move. My husband is away doing his thing for the military and I'll be moving alone. I feel there is no point to life and the only reason I manage to get out of bed is because I have a daughter. I moved back here to my hometown for a few months to spend time with my family before we move overseas. Being here in my hometown made it so easy to fall back into drugs, I knew exactly where to go and I passed it everyday. I hate it here and I'm so ready to move away and forget this place and the drugs that are here. I do fine in other states away from this place and I did fine here for a while. Then one day, it was just too much. I hate being away from my husband and feeling my only purpose in life is to follow him around and take care of our daughter. I can never seem to find time to pursue my own dreams because we are constantly going through something for the military. My husband is due for depoloyment soon and we are moving overseas in august, so a lot of moving going on here. It just never ends. Late night confession and ramblings to people I don't even know. I'm glad this forum board is here though. Maybe I will work up the courage to one day share this with my husband who is oh so proud of my soon to be 3 years. He never knew me in my using days and doesn't understand what I went through and still go through. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Francismcan

anytime

CarolD

Welcome back K.....

I was an Army wife...also had 3 young chilldren so I know a lot
about the unique challenges that lifestyle brings...

I loved the excitement of new places and new friends to meet
You too can get a fresh start...drop the drug now...no reason
to slide backwards.

all my best to the 3 of you...

kiki5711

FT

Hi Navy - you don't say how old your daughter is, but what wonderful things you have going on in your life. It is so hard when you have depression, and you sound depressed. Did you have postpartum depression? Sometimes that lingers if you child is still very young. There are ways to treat that very effectively to get you through this. It is very stressful raising a child alone, no breaks for you.

Please post again and give us more information to go by.

FT

navy

My daughter just turned 1 in February. I was pretty depressed and stressed out for the first few months after my daughter was born. Things have been pretty crazy here lately and I thik I sunk back into that hole again. I thought being near my parents would make my husbands absence for the past 7 months easier, but I honestly think its made it worse especially being back around my old stomping grounds. I'm excited about our new move and can't wait to get out of here. I'm hoping my mood will change when my husband is back and we are in a new place. I'm currently taking valium for anxiety attacks that have become way more frequent since I've been living here. 6 more days though... I woke up today and I'm trying to keep the mindset to push through the using thoughts and focus on packing and taking care of my daughter. Thank you guys for your support, it feels so good to be able to tell someone else what has happened.

FT

Hi Navy!

Well! Hey! A 14 month old will keep you running. Girls potty train sooner than boys, but you are still up to your neck in baby stuff. Of COURSE you feel overwhelmed. Being near parents doesn't always help. I love my mom to death, but she wasn't interested in helping me with the throwing up and diapers -- only in the FUN stuff like going to the park. No middle of the night help. I know exactly where you are with the kid. You love them so so much, but they do take a LOT out of you.

My guess is that you are still experiencing some postpartum depression, even this many months out. You may have "regular" depression on top of it, but the postpartum stuff can be really hard. Your hormones don't get back to normal for quite awhile.

Hang in there. Do your best to rest and give yourself some attention, and cut yourself a break. Life is hard enough with a spouse who is present.

Get excited about your move! Get ready for some new changes. Life will probably be a lot better for you very soon.

This forum is a place where you can say ANYTHING you want about what is happening to you, including your relapse issues, and hopefully now your return to recovery. This hard time stuff will pass, kiddo.

FT

thejuiceman

Hey, there. Look at that relapse as a speed bump and move past it...immediately. You will be fine. As far as the other issues, talk to your husband, a therapist, someone, but don't keep it bottled up.

Good luck...

Dee74

Hi Navy

None here is a doctor - but I hope you'll see your doctor if you think you're depressed - and I hope you'll find it in you to share this with your husband one day....secrets don't make this deal any easier.

Use us for support
D

navy

Thanks everyone for your posts. Really great to feel encouraged, supported AND most of all understood.

LaurieC

Hey Navy,
Sorry for your relapse. I know that must really hurt inside. Obviously you are vulnerable and need some tlc. Any chance that you can get to a meeting? I also have struggled with depression for 20+ years and it is no joke. If you spoke with your doctor, perhaps you could find some relief for this illness. which would lighten your load a bit.

I'm not sober long....by the end of the day today, it will be a week but the triggers, the stress, the change--all those things take a toll and you have to somehow make sure that you have some time/space each day for yourself to process and make peace. Not that it is easy. I have two kids myself and I have always put everyone else's needs first. But then I realized that I matter too. And so do you!!!

Take care and keep it in the day.

Laurie

jlpopo

Navy, I know what you're going through.... I too relapsed and can't tell. My problem is opiates, although my addiction didn't spin out of control until last fall when I was arrested for sneaking into my neighbor's house when they weren't home & stealing pain med's. I'm facing felony charges, lost my job, the whole nine yards. I went through rehab, am attending outpatient counseling, and attending meetings. Did a 90&90, had almost 5 months clean, and thought I was home free. It took 2 pills to drag me right back, even worse than before. I have 5 days clean now, and finally opened up at meetings & counseling, but I could never tell my husband or son.... I have a little more hope each day. I pray the same for you!

Tryin2Recover

Hey Navy, sucks to hear about your relapse but its really not the end of the world, and Juicemans advice was beautifully on point. I was JUST TODAY listening to Sixx AM (Nikki Six from Motley Crue's new band, he was a huge doper) and they have a song called "Accidents Can Happen" and its lyrics are very applicable to your situation. Here they are:

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause i know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.

And here is the video
YouTube - Sixx:A.M. - Accidents Can Happen

Get back on top of this fast, you havent thrown everything away but you easily and quickly can. Same goes for you Jlpopo, and great job opening up at meetings that is one of the biggest steps.