The other shoe finally dropped

Old 04-21-2011, 11:30 AM
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The other shoe finally dropped

I'm new, but feeling pretty raw right now.
I've known that my father was an alcoholic for at least 10 years. When I was growing up he didn't really drink at all - a few beers on the weekend. There were a couple of family parties that he overindulged that I remember, but nothing that seemed out of the "ordinary." I'm not sure when exactly that changed. I know he has dealt with severe depression at least since my Grandfather passed away about 15 years ago. He also was "old school" about going to the doctor and has a lot of pain issues from old injuries that never healed properly.

In any event he is probably a classic alcoholic. I remember one time he drove up to my house and took a case of beer out of his truck and proceeded to drink the whole thing by himself. Then brag about all the beer he already had drunk before he drove to my house...And how many times do you think we all heard the line "I drive better when I've been drinking, because I'm more careful." Thankfully when they would leave my house my mother would at least drive (I would have called the police had he driven). I tried to tell him that only two groups of people brag about their drinking 1. College students, and 2. Alcoholics. I pointed out he wasn't in college...

For years he got away with his drinking - I can't tell you how many times he was pulled over and the police allowed him to get picked up without arresting him. His coworkers knew he was drunk at work, but never turned him in. My mom was in total denial about how bad his drinking was, but she also drinks heavily. When we (his children) tried to point out how bad it was, "we had no idea what we were talking about, and didn't we enjoy a drink now and then?" I kept waiting for him to get a DWI, but despite getting pulled over, it never happened. I kept waiting for the call that he had killed himself or someone else in a drunk driving accident.

The other shoe finally dropped last week. Thankfully he didn't hurt anyone but himself. He got caught doing things at work that he shouldn't have been. Can't go into details because it is a criminal matter. But had he been sober I know he wouldn't have done these things. When I was growing up, he always was big on personal responsibility and taking care of yourself. When my sister was caught stealing he grounded her and she wasn't able to go on a class trip (she was supposed to be "saving" money for the trip and instead she was stealing it) (and FYI, it wasn't PORN...)

I am horrified, embarrassed, ashamed. He is 60, and will probably never be able to work again. My parents have always been big spenders and I can't even imagine what their bank accounts, retirement accounts etc look like. I worry about how they will support themselves, and honestly, I worry that they will expect us (their children) to help out.

And although I know the responsibility of this rests on his shoulders, and his shoulders alone, I am PISSED that the people closest to him that knew his drinking was out of control, and knew he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing because of it never stepped in to raise the alarm. Because it made it impossible for any of us (his kids) to say anything. If the police and his Supervisor/coworkers knew and thought it was fine(or if not exactly fine, they weren't arresting him or firing him), who were we to say anything? I know that a person has to figure things out on their own, but it was allowed to go on for so long. They couldn't have stopped him drinking, but they could have stopped some of the things that happened because of it. And then I'm pissed at myself for thinking that way because it's no one's responsibility to babysit him and, drunk or not, he does know right from wrong.

My aunt emailed us (his kids) all today asking us to rally 'round and be supportive, not turn our backs etc. And I'm kind of pissed. I have no intention of turning my back - and if by "rally 'round" she means support my Father's efforts to get and stay sober, then fine. But I don't want to keep enabling him.

I haven't spoken to my parents since I found out the news. We are supposed to go to their house for Easter, and we will go because my kids love their grandparents and they love the egg hunt they put on. Supposedly my father still wants to do it. But according to my mother (heard from my sister) he hasn't drank since everything went down. He also hasn't been eating or sleeping (and maybe this is mean, but my sister and I think some "humble" pie is a good thing, but both wish there wasn't a Felony on top...)

Sorry this is so long. I am just processing this and besides my siblings I have no one that I feel comfortable hashing it out with. I'm even too embarrassed to talk to my own husband about it (other than to tell him that it happened).
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Old 04-23-2011, 01:31 PM
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wow,

"he was doing things he shouldn't have been doing"
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Old 04-23-2011, 01:31 PM
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-oops,

anyway, what I was going to say, is that is where I am now: mighty pissed.
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:48 AM
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Wishing you as much peace as possible today when you go over for Easter.
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Old 04-25-2011, 11:16 AM
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Thank you. Easter was fine. It was the first Easter since I can remember where he didn't have a beer in his hand wasn't slurring his words, etc.

*Allegedly* was stealing from work. For what it was, someone pointed out that "other people do that all the time." I had a coworker a long time ago who was an addict. And like any job, there were unspoken "perks" to our job. For instance you were not supposed to use company vehicles for personal errands, but if you were on the way back from a meeting and had to stop at the local store to pick up some medication, no one was going to bat an eye. But the addict didn't seem to have the part of her brain that told her when enough was enough. So while the rest of us occasionally did that (maybe once every six months) she would regularly check out of meetings early in order to get all of her errands done - and come back to the office and unload a trunk full of groceries into her own vehicle before coming in....And of course when she was spoken to her defense was that "everyone was doing it." I suspect this is the case here also.

I am angry and embarrassed about the whole thing. I am relived that no one was killed, but he is looking at a felony. I'm debating on going to our local AlAnon meetings, but we are in a small town and I'm kind of worried about it.
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