Do No Harm
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Do No Harm
Hi everyone, I don’t post here out of embarrassment I guess. Since I am the parent of two ACOAs, but I am one too, so maybe you won’t run me off? Anyway, I am 6 months sober and doing well. Part of my recovery is to see a psychologist every other week and she wants me to bring in my sons (16 and 19). They are both clean and sober, and we appear to get a long pretty good. Not super close, but we do not squabble. They are both intelligent, hard working young men that are very guarded with expressing their emotions and hyper-sensitive to criticism. I know my drinking affected them and I owe them amends for the remainder of my life, but I have reservations about dragging them into my recovery. I know as a young adult, I would have had a problem with opening up old wounds with my father. I would rather be dry as dust than hurt them anymore.
I have not asked them yet, but my guess is that they would rather not have someone mucking about with their emotional development. I am having trouble deciding what the right thing is here and I would like to get some other opinions.
I have not asked them yet, but my guess is that they would rather not have someone mucking about with their emotional development. I am having trouble deciding what the right thing is here and I would like to get some other opinions.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: kansas
Posts: 61
Since you are under the care of a licensed psychologist, and the licensed psychologist has indicated to you that she wishes for you to bring your sons in to therapy with you, which is sound medical advice from my experience.
You have six months sober and are embarassed to post here on this ACOAA message topic. In my experience (IME), the families of alcoholics and drug addicts are full of the walking wounded. These are the people who love the practicing alcoholic and addict and do not have any usage on their part.
These walking wounded have lots of emotional bumps, bruises and scars, caused by the words and actions of the practicing addict alcoholic. They are usually guarded with their feelings and emotions because they have buried then for so long, so successfully, that they tens to overachieve intellectually as a way of avoiding their feelings.
You "have reservations about draging them into your recovery", and had no reservations about dragging them into and through your active addiction. During your active addiction you had several things that were happening so that you did not have to deal with reality:
1. Intoxication on alcohol or drugs.
2. Euphoric Recall, that psychological phemonemon that prevents addicts and alcoholics from recalling the negative and horrible things they did and said while under the influence.
3. Blackouts on alcohol and on various other substances spaceout, ampout, nodout, which causes permanent amnesia.
4. Projection and blaming defenses which tend to make the walking wounded feel guilty and responsible for the alcoholic and addicts feelings and behavior.
5. Denial, which is Don't Even Notice I Am Lying.
6. Supression and repression of feelings.
7. State Dependent Memory.
Your sons, God bless their hearts, had no insulators or buffers or protectors from the reality that the addicted escape from into their addiction. So you said your sons are guarded with feelings? The remember it all, the speech, actions and the emotions, and their outlet was intellectual achievement.
It might be firghtening for you to invite your sons, earnestly, to your recovery, and to do so would be less selfish on your part because you are providing them help, healing and hope from the spiritual dilema they are currently in. Yup it will probably embarass you and yup you will feel ashamed and afraid, and you did say that "you owe them amends for the rest of their life", why not use this as the first step for doing just that. Maybe if you had dealy with your ACOA issues when you were 18 you would not have resorted to addiction to self treat them.
Additionally, the best thing to do to prevent addiction and alcoholism in our children is to help them LIVE. Learn to Identify Verbalize and Express their feelings.
You have six months sober and are embarassed to post here on this ACOAA message topic. In my experience (IME), the families of alcoholics and drug addicts are full of the walking wounded. These are the people who love the practicing alcoholic and addict and do not have any usage on their part.
These walking wounded have lots of emotional bumps, bruises and scars, caused by the words and actions of the practicing addict alcoholic. They are usually guarded with their feelings and emotions because they have buried then for so long, so successfully, that they tens to overachieve intellectually as a way of avoiding their feelings.
You "have reservations about draging them into your recovery", and had no reservations about dragging them into and through your active addiction. During your active addiction you had several things that were happening so that you did not have to deal with reality:
1. Intoxication on alcohol or drugs.
2. Euphoric Recall, that psychological phemonemon that prevents addicts and alcoholics from recalling the negative and horrible things they did and said while under the influence.
3. Blackouts on alcohol and on various other substances spaceout, ampout, nodout, which causes permanent amnesia.
4. Projection and blaming defenses which tend to make the walking wounded feel guilty and responsible for the alcoholic and addicts feelings and behavior.
5. Denial, which is Don't Even Notice I Am Lying.
6. Supression and repression of feelings.
7. State Dependent Memory.
Your sons, God bless their hearts, had no insulators or buffers or protectors from the reality that the addicted escape from into their addiction. So you said your sons are guarded with feelings? The remember it all, the speech, actions and the emotions, and their outlet was intellectual achievement.
It might be firghtening for you to invite your sons, earnestly, to your recovery, and to do so would be less selfish on your part because you are providing them help, healing and hope from the spiritual dilema they are currently in. Yup it will probably embarass you and yup you will feel ashamed and afraid, and you did say that "you owe them amends for the rest of their life", why not use this as the first step for doing just that. Maybe if you had dealy with your ACOA issues when you were 18 you would not have resorted to addiction to self treat them.
Additionally, the best thing to do to prevent addiction and alcoholism in our children is to help them LIVE. Learn to Identify Verbalize and Express their feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
Posts: 137
What Francismcan said is really lovely. That makes lots of sense to me and it isn't as though you are forcing them. You'd just be inviting them. And it could be an open invitation that they don't have to accept now, in a week, month, or year- or ever.
In your heart of hearts, would you like them to? If yes, then maybe you could say that you'd like them to if or when they ever want to.
In your heart of hearts, would you like them to? If yes, then maybe you could say that you'd like them to if or when they ever want to.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: canada
Posts: 63
hello,
I am currently a young person who is more than a little pissed at my AF.
I also go to alateen and al-anon for myself.
in my humble opinion:
You have no effing business dragging your kids into YOUR recovery, they need THEIR OWN.
Don't expect things to suddenly change, (although it is quite possible) I seriously doubt that 6 months comes even close to making up for 16 years of chaos. Don't be surprised if they don't trust you and don't want to do what you say.
That said, therapy, meetings, whatever helps is great, god knows I needed it.
... then again, I've encountered a lot of very unhelpful professionals out there...
As teens, it'd be nice to try to repair some of the damage before it settles in.
"intelligent, hard working young men that are very guarded with expressing their emotions and hyper-sensitive to criticism" sounds like ACOA's to me, and I know that a lot of suffering can lie under the intelligent-hardworkingness.
If you've done damage, it'd be a shame not to try to do something about it.
ITB
PS please don't take my bitterness personally, I'm really pissed at my AF, and not anyone here
I am currently a young person who is more than a little pissed at my AF.
I also go to alateen and al-anon for myself.
in my humble opinion:
You have no effing business dragging your kids into YOUR recovery, they need THEIR OWN.
Don't expect things to suddenly change, (although it is quite possible) I seriously doubt that 6 months comes even close to making up for 16 years of chaos. Don't be surprised if they don't trust you and don't want to do what you say.
That said, therapy, meetings, whatever helps is great, god knows I needed it.
... then again, I've encountered a lot of very unhelpful professionals out there...
As teens, it'd be nice to try to repair some of the damage before it settles in.
"intelligent, hard working young men that are very guarded with expressing their emotions and hyper-sensitive to criticism" sounds like ACOA's to me, and I know that a lot of suffering can lie under the intelligent-hardworkingness.
If you've done damage, it'd be a shame not to try to do something about it.
ITB
PS please don't take my bitterness personally, I'm really pissed at my AF, and not anyone here
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
There is so much truth to all of the replies above.
Im the mom, who has a daughter and alcoholic husband.
The damage that it did to her is unbelievable. It changed her completely.
She has been one wounded bird in life, trying to survive. If someone
didnt know her, they would think she really has it going on in life.
Remember..You (A's) have been first for a long time, in their eyes...
6 months is still early recovery...
Walk lightly with them,
hold their hand,
dont drag them into your recovery...Lead them to their own recovery program!!!
Just my thoughts......
Im the mom, who has a daughter and alcoholic husband.
The damage that it did to her is unbelievable. It changed her completely.
She has been one wounded bird in life, trying to survive. If someone
didnt know her, they would think she really has it going on in life.
Remember..You (A's) have been first for a long time, in their eyes...
6 months is still early recovery...
Walk lightly with them,
hold their hand,
dont drag them into your recovery...Lead them to their own recovery program!!!
Just my thoughts......
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
One thing won't damage them - making them the offer. Be honest. Tell them that your therapist wants them to come in with you, but you're not sure why. Tell them that it is their choice.
Some teens (mine for instance) will jump at the chance to see if they can figure out wth is going on IF they truly believe they are safe from more damage, and IF they feel they have an option. Some (like myself as a teen) won't want to go there.
Invite them openly and honestly. Let them decide and make sure they know that it is THEIR decision. It may be that one wants to go and the other doesn't. But unless you let them know that THEY have control over their lives (and therapy), they will resist and it may do more harm than good.
Making the offer and letting them decide doesn't put anything in jeopardy. Forcing them to go? That will be utterly ineffectual and may cause some backlash.
Some teens (mine for instance) will jump at the chance to see if they can figure out wth is going on IF they truly believe they are safe from more damage, and IF they feel they have an option. Some (like myself as a teen) won't want to go there.
Invite them openly and honestly. Let them decide and make sure they know that it is THEIR decision. It may be that one wants to go and the other doesn't. But unless you let them know that THEY have control over their lives (and therapy), they will resist and it may do more harm than good.
Making the offer and letting them decide doesn't put anything in jeopardy. Forcing them to go? That will be utterly ineffectual and may cause some backlash.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
Thank you for this thread.
I'm an ACA and have been working on my recovery for 3+ years. The longer I stay in the program, the less well defined the lines have become between alcoholic, spouse of an alcoholic, and ACA have become for me. My father was an ACA and an alcoholic. My mom was raised by a verbally abusive mother and ended up marrying a verbally abusive alcoholic man. I often think that I'm "only" an ACA simply because I didn't get the drinking gene. Anyway, I appreciate hearing from every member in a dysfunctional family. It helps me understand my own family and myself a little better. So thank you "recycle" for sharing.
Also, congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure that your sons are proud of you. I'm in my late 40s and my father passed away in August 2010. He never stopped drinking, nor did he ever once fully admitted to chaos he put us through. He also never apologized. Part of me feels that it was probably too painful for him to admit. I was able to forgive him before he died. Mostly because I was able to see him as yet one more victim in a long chain of victims affected by alcholism.
I think seeing my father take responsibility for his actions and working the steps would have helped me. Although when I was 16 & 19 I don't think I truly understood how much my dysfunctional family was affecting me. I was sad/mad about it, but looked at it more as an inconvenience and source of embarrassment. I didn't realize how it was affecting me to the core of who I thought I was. Didn't have that realization until I was in my mid-30s!
I've been slowly learning about all the things I have no control over in life. However, I think providing an good example and planting recovery seeds that might bloom later is a worthwhile endeavor.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
I'm an ACA and have been working on my recovery for 3+ years. The longer I stay in the program, the less well defined the lines have become between alcoholic, spouse of an alcoholic, and ACA have become for me. My father was an ACA and an alcoholic. My mom was raised by a verbally abusive mother and ended up marrying a verbally abusive alcoholic man. I often think that I'm "only" an ACA simply because I didn't get the drinking gene. Anyway, I appreciate hearing from every member in a dysfunctional family. It helps me understand my own family and myself a little better. So thank you "recycle" for sharing.
Also, congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure that your sons are proud of you. I'm in my late 40s and my father passed away in August 2010. He never stopped drinking, nor did he ever once fully admitted to chaos he put us through. He also never apologized. Part of me feels that it was probably too painful for him to admit. I was able to forgive him before he died. Mostly because I was able to see him as yet one more victim in a long chain of victims affected by alcholism.
I think seeing my father take responsibility for his actions and working the steps would have helped me. Although when I was 16 & 19 I don't think I truly understood how much my dysfunctional family was affecting me. I was sad/mad about it, but looked at it more as an inconvenience and source of embarrassment. I didn't realize how it was affecting me to the core of who I thought I was. Didn't have that realization until I was in my mid-30s!
I've been slowly learning about all the things I have no control over in life. However, I think providing an good example and planting recovery seeds that might bloom later is a worthwhile endeavor.
Thank you for letting me share.
db
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Thank you for the great responses. I am going to be real patient about this, I let them know what resources are available to them, and I'll support them in whatever path they choose.
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