fluffyflea

Hi,

Could someone PLEASE explain to me what BPD is? Is it real or just a catch-all diagnosis to give someone license to be an @SS???????????????

If it's real then how does it go when mixed with Manic Depression which I know is definitely real???????????????????????

I packed upped and walked out on my fiance the other night, left a note saying we're over because he was being such an @ss.

Please explain.

Thanx,

Earthworm

suki44883

It's real. You can read about it here...

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

fluffyflea

Thankyou, so is this why they are so self-destructive? It's like they are afraid of abandonment but set themselves up for it..............am I off base here?

Earthworm

ranae1221

I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 21, 9 years ago. Actually I was diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar II, PTSD and ADD.

While I can't explain why your girlfriend does the things she does, I can try to explain why I did the things I did.

When I was deep in the throes of BPD, I didn't know what I felt most of the time. I didn't understand why I felt the way I did or why I did the things I did. I felt, and still do, things very intensely. While everyone can have BPD traits at times, those with BPD take it to the extreme. An example- one day I walked into work. The others in the office didn't say hi to me. I immediately thought "what did I do wrong? Why are they mad at me?" I obsessed about this. Then my thinking went to "I'm a horrible person. No one like me. I wish I were dead".

I've been told that those with BPD don't have good coping skills. They never learned. I never learned. I didn't learn how to regulate my emotions. I was-and still am- afraid of them. When I feel pain, it just about kills me.

I was TERRIFIED of abandonment. If I started to feel or think that someone was upset at me, or I thought they were going to leave, I would leave them or hurt them first. In my mind, it made sense that if I was the one to leave before they did, it wouldn't hurt as bad. I am still afraid of abandonment, but I choose now to not let people get close enough to hurt me.

When I would get angry, I felt like I had no control. I was one who acted "in", not "out". Meaning I didn't necessarily lash out at others, but I lashed out at myself.

I HATED myself. I hated how I felt, I hated how I thought, I hated life. I was miserable.

I spent many years in therapy, but ultimatly it was working with a therapist with learning DBT skills that helped the most.

There is no medication to treat BPD. There is medication that can treat the symptoms related to BPD (the depression, the mood swings, etc) but really learning healthy ways of coping and how to manage your emotions and thinking is, IMO the only thing that helps.

However, even with that, I can tell you that I still hate life. I still hate myself. I have the belief that I am not supposed to be alive. I just don't fit in here. Living is my own personal hell.


I found this poem- not written by me- online and I think it is helps explain the drastic thinking:






To the Non BPD in my life.

LOVE ME. SAVE ME

I know I love you. do you know it?
I love you in a way that is more powerful than you could believe.
I am never in doubt of my love for you...
I love you even in the darkest depths of rage and hatred, though I can not feel it then..
I cant let you know this, even though I long to tell you..
If you knew it you might be able to hurt me.. again. and again.


I am afraid. such encompassing fear as you will never be able to know.
I am afraid that I will push you too far.
I fear for our lives. our love.
I am afraid of the pain and loneliness. yet I live each day with it.
I am afraid to trust you. yet I do...
If I trust you you could hurt me over and over...and you do.


When I hurt, I hurt worse than you could ever believe possible.
I want to die when I hurt.. I feel as if I am dying.
I want to die when I believe that you are the one hurting me...
I think you hate me... I know what I am.. I have seen it.
somewhere I know better.. somewhere there is love... but I cant feel it now...
I want to scream for you to love me... to hold me... to rescue me... but I cant. I am afraid.
If you heard that you might be able to hurt me...again.


Franticly I Rage at you, wanting you to hurt too.
you turn away... it is never enough... I always hurt more.
You don't see.. you cant see... what it is to be me.
I Hear what I say...my words a pale shadow against the emotions within me.
I want you to see I can hurt you too..... but.... it is never enough...
why aren't you crying?!
Maybe if you loved me more you would feel like I do,
your love is never enough.....I always love more..


Maybe I am not worthy of your love...
unworthy... unworthy...unworthy.... it echoes in my thoughts
I scream silently for help... hoping, wishing, praying, that it will be different this time.
HELP ME! SAVE ME! I LOVE YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, LOVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!
Crying because I cant say that, how badly I need to... I want to.....I cant
If you heard that you might be able to hurt me ..again.


Unworthy I am filled with hate....
I hate you for making me feel unwanted when I love you so much...
I hate you for not seeing how much I need you to save me...
I hate myself for being too afraid to say it out loud.
I hate you for not loving me enough to help me.
I hate you for not crying like I am..
I hate myself for the cutting things I say.
I hate you for loving me when I hate you.. because I cant feel love...Right now.
it all boils over....


I hurt.... I hate.. I fear......I want to die.


I lie alone on the floor sobbing.
hating myself for the monster within..
Hating myself for the things I've said..
Hating you for not rescuing me...
Hating the fact that I live....
I hurt ... I feel I am dying inside.
The pain kills me.. it is torture


I wonder why you couldn't just love me...save me..
Cant you see I'm a frightened child?
you turned away when I needed you...
how could you not see past the anger to the pain..
it hurts me... you didn't care to look...
you didn't want to help me....


I live and I hurt... and I hurt you..
I should die so I wont hurt like this.
I should die to free you from this hell.
You told me to go ahead... kill myself..
now I know my worth to you.
But I couldn't. you wouldn't do it.... I asked you to...
I tried but I couldn't... I love you too much..
I want to.. I want to die... but I love you.
I love you but you abandon me time after time.


You hate the scars on me... I try not to cut...,
But if I cant die how else to punish myself ?
I am unworthy... you want me dead.. I am unloved...
It has happened again... like I knew it would
such shame in this... such fear... I want to die.
the knife is so shiny... I can feel it.. I long for it..
the hot sting that will free me... I cant... I shouldn't...


the silent plea comes again..
weaker this time... help me.. love me... please..I'm so sorry...
but you cant hear that... you wouldn't believe it.. and I cant say it.
I want to... I am so alone and afraid...
Hurting and hating
I see the way you look at me...
you said to do it...
How could someone I love so much not love me too?
you wont save me.... I hurt.. you want me to die...
I am such a monster that you want me to die..
kill myself? it hurts so bad... I cant escape and I cant die..
Pain numbs pain...
Maybe Ill just bleed instead..


Then your arms shelter me, the storm is over...
you tenderly wipe the blood from me.
I sit limply.. heartbroken.. betrayed.. aching
Crying into your chest, long wracking sobs, wailing as if to wake the dead
your tears fall into my hair as you hold me..
loving me the best you know how... not understanding... afraid.
looking up into your eyes filled with fear myself..
I whisper... I'm sorry...
we cry and hold each other... both alone...and afraid.. but hoping this time will be the last.
knowing it wont be...
slowly you rock me.. I rock you... I wonder how you see me..
I am tired, drained, safe at last in your arms.
the tension leaves me and the memory of the past hour fades quickly...
leaving a headache and the echoing words...
Save me.....

fluffyflea

Thankyou for this for writing to me. It's helping me to find some peace.

Ngaire

suki44883

My daughter was diagnosed with BPD a few years back. I bought a book that helps explain it. It's called "I Hate You. Don't Leave Me." It helped me understand her black and white thinking about so many things. One minute, she loved me more than life itself and it seemed like two seconds later, she thought I was satan himself. It's a real rollercoaster trying to live with it, for both the afflicted and their loved ones.

pinkgurl87

I thought you couldn't be diagnosed with both Bipolar and borderline, I heard that somewhere, but i don't know for sure. I'm Borderline myself I don't totally understand it myself, I kknow i tend to be self destructive. I'm on meds to help with it at least with the depression and anxiety that comes with it. Meds can be helpful.

shutterbug

wow, thank you jessica for all that great info.

i had thought BPD was more kin to sociopath (having a lack of emotions and feelings for others). Funny, i looked it up last week trying to figure out what my gf might have going on with her....and was surprised by how it fit me so well.

seems my favorite therapist tried to tell me a couple of times that i was BPD (in addition to bipolar II), and i argued and dismissed it b/c i didn't realize what it was.

i've never been able to love myself, despite all my efforts to.
i've never felt lovable, dispite the efforts of others.
i've only had 2 relationships last more than a few months and at 35....i'm going thru the loss of that 2nd one right now and it is breaking me.
i lost my career/job twice (that i am among the best in the state ability/talent wise at) because following the first job loss following a major depressive episode and medical leave.....the next time it happened (at the best job i'd ever had) i feared losing the job soooooo much that i probably made it happen. I actually started focusing more on preparing for losing the job, than actually doing the job and had most of my desk cleared out before i was even fired!

i thought i was being smart and intuitive!

man....this is sending my head spinning....but at least i have a starting point to try and understand why i hurt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excruciatingly!

fear of not being accepted also cost me so many friendships and kept me in constant drama and insecurity last year when trying to do roller derby and feel a part of such a large group of women.

Gawd....it makes so much more sense thru the filter of BPD!

thanks!

shutterbug

can a person with BPD.....succeed at any kind of healthy, romantic relationship for any length of time?

shutterbug

did a search for the book mentioned and ran across this http://www.bpdcentral.com/images/Ihateyou.pdf

when reading that....it fits more my x than myself tho so i'm confused.

also there is BPD Central - borderline personality disorder resources - basics

ranae1221

Reading that 1st article, I don't see myself in that criteria. Again, I'm one who acts in, not out at people (most of the time). There isn't a one size fits all with BPD. Like I mentioned before, everyone has or shows BPD traits at times. What makes someone with BPD different is the extremes.

Whether or not you have an "official label" shouldn't matter IMO. The DBT skills training (which is the #1 treatment for BPD these days) works for anyone and everyone. I remember going through the classes I would share what I was learning with anyone I felt it would help, and none of those people had BPD.

ranae1221

IMO it all depends on recovery. Anyone who is unhealthy (whether it be due to BPD, active addiction, untreated depression, etc) will have a difficult time having a healthy relationship. That's not to say it can't be done. But chances are that the healthier you are, the better and longer a relationship will last.

ranae1221

Don't know. I've never heard that, and was diagnosed with both. They are very similar, but one is more a personality disorder and the other a chemical imbalance. Bipolar can be treated with medications, whereas BPD can't, though meds can help the symptoms of BPD (such as the depression, anxiety, anger, etc).

Meds are a MUST for me. A few times I've tried going off them have ended in inpatient stays and/or suicide attempts.

AnodyneShift

I am typing with a broken hand so this may seem stilted

ive suspected my girlfriend may be bpd- she has a LOT of the symptoms, and ive excused some really abhorrent behavior because shes also still in the throes of an abusive marraige (yes, im a schmuck and an ******* for falling for a married woman, and i know it)

i am also deeply addicted to alcohol as part of my nighttime routine. it is both time to truly get sober and to end a relationship that is simply WAY too chaotic and hurtful

are bpds usually given to lying/deception, or is that a bonus feature in my relationship?

i truly do love and care about this woman, but cannot and will not go on. i dont know how to end things without hurting her (and hearing her threaten suicide again). any help/thoughts or input would be greatly appreciated.

Reading all of your posts above have been helpful- thank you for this thread

Dave

NYCDoglvr

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy taught me that if I want to have self esteem, I have to do "esteemable" actions.

larrylive

I too am in love with a most incredible, beautiful, kind and genereous BPD woman.

She can not be left alone without her searching out someone else to be with, usually another man. Last week she gave me an advertisement for wedding rings with what would be her married name written across it. We laughed and I felt I was the luckiest man in the world. Monday I had to go out of town for training. I kissed her good-bye and told her I loved her, when I got home she had packed her bags and went home with an old using boyfriend.
This is the second such episode in our year long relationship. I am in recovery and although doing well, have been distracted from pursuing my goals while tending to her comfort and safety. I would walk into the fire for this woman, for she is my source and inspiration. Never have I felt such a deep love and concern for someone and it is tearing me apart, to see this broken angel self destruct.
We have discussed her BPD, we have worked on recovery together, we have grown and cried, talked and dreamed, worked, loved and played together. I wish for nothing less than eternity with her, yet I know the pain that I would have to endure.
I shall pray for her, holding her in my heart, but I feel it would be best avoid her for the rest of my life.

I love you MK
Larry

bas0120

I too was diagnosed with bi-polar and BPD. I was told that BPD is almost always accompanied by another disorder.

bas0120

Thank you soooo much...you have provided me with a lot of hope...I find myself in every aspect of your personal story...I was diagnosed with bipolar and BPD in early adult life, but never provided with a solution til I was 32 years old...I am getting ready to start DBT on Thurs...I am soooo ready, but terrified, too...I have always accepted that there was something wrong with me, but it took me becoming fully aware of it and surrendering to it to accept the help that has been presented to me...

larrylive

And so being called codependant, stupid and foolish, I continue to feel the need to reach out and help. But I don't know how.
Watching her abuse herself through drinking and drugging distresses me and I want to help. But I don't know how.
Knowing that she is sleeping with another man who encourages her using and is using her for food and shelter and drug money, pisses me off and I want to make it stop. But I don't know how.
When I talk or text with her and she whispers she loves me and always will I want to cry and I do.
When I talk or text with her and she falsely accuses me of many things which she in fact is guilty of, I want to help. But I don't know how.
I have been told going to her would only re-enforce the behaviors. I believe it would show I want to understand andwill not abbandon her, but I know it hurts ME.
I am fortunate that she lives in the next town, 15 miles away, and I have only a bicycle for transportation. This keeps me from doing a whole lot of stupid things, that would probably result in stalking accusations So any visit is taken into serious consideration as the return trip can be so torturous when filled with rejection and despair. But I continue to consider it and I don't know why.

I want to help, but I don't know how.

With MK in my heart and confusion in my mind...

Regards,
Larry

NYCDoglvr

Larrylive .... as an alcoholic I can say with certainty that there is nothing anyone can do to get an alcoholic to stop drinking. Unfortunately, an alcoholic's primary relationship is the bottle ... we get sober on our time, for our reasons, if we do at all. Al-anon is a terrific program for anyone involved with an alcoholic. I highly recommend it.