jen928

Last night I found out that my mother had been arrested for DUI and having an open container in the car. I will not be bailing her out. She is currently going through withdrawal at the jail, they have her on meds but she's still shaking pretty badly. Her court date is on her 61st birthday. This is the first time she's ever been arrested for anything.
I have been tossing the idea around of leaving her in there for a couple of weeks. Let her get a clear head and out of the alcoholic fog and then go see her. Her bail is only 120. Give her the option of sitting in jail until her court date or having me bail her out and then going directly into a 60 day treatment center. only to be released two weeks before her court date. I feel as though this is the only option I have.
If she doesn't take it, she doesn't take and I only pray that her mind isn't so damaged that she can't see that this is the ultimate bottom. She's already lost complete contact with me and her grandson (only family left) and now is in jail, has no power or water going to her house, etc etc.
I don't see what it would hurt to put my hand out there and offer my support, as long as she goes directly into a treatment center. She needs some therapy and guidance and meetings and support something TERRIBLE.
This is all just so insane to me, to have both of my parents in jail at the same time for things that will ruin the rest of their lives.....funny how i feel closer to them both right now, in some strange way, i feel like having both of them completely broken down, completely stripped of their self respect, i can finally see the true core of them both, tortured in their own ways, but i can understand how they both were able to get so lost within their own demons.
It's actually quite sad BUT it has reminded of just how much I love them both, regardless of those demons "They did the best they could with what they were given"

tromboneliness

You're on the right track. The issue that might happen is, she says, "Oh OK, I'll go to treatment, bail me out," just to get out of jail. Then, as soon as she's out, she stays in treatment for... a few days or whatever, pronounces herself "cured," and checks out. You probably can't legally force her to stay in treatment -- and in any case, even if you could, it wouldn't be likely to do much good. Treatment only works if the person wants it.

Since you're dealing with, supposedly, a mature adult here -- she is your mother, after all, and presumably a big girl who can make her own choices -- you have the option of doing nothing and just letting her handle it. As with any of these other "leashes" our parents put us on, there is no rule that says you have to answer the phone, go visit.... or bail them out of jail. She got herself into this, and she can get herself out. She needs to feel the consequences of her bad choices. You are not obligated to justify or explain this in any way. Good luck!

T

suki44883

Just a thought, but....Why do you need to do anything? It is not your problem and it isn't your responsibility to bail her out or send her to rehab or anything else.

jen928

you're right it isn't my responsibility. i told my partner that tonight and we talked about it some more. he agrees but we both think maybe this is just something i can decide for myself in a little while, not something i need to make a rush decision about (if i want to risk helping, risk my emotions). i did call the jail again this morning, the officer i spoke to yesterday told me i could call to check up b/c she was going through some pretty bad withdrawal, surprisingly not bad enough to go to the hospital. so i called again this morning and they said she had already seen the doctor that morning and that she was talking but still having a very hard time walking. i know that by calling i am still putting myself out there....it's so hard not to care. the one good thing, they do know not to let her know that her daughter has been calling. so i guess my anonymity is still secure and as far as she knows i don't even know she's in jail.

tromboneliness

Not to throw too much Al-Anon lingo at you, but it's precisely by not bailing her out and letting her keep doing the same thing over and over again, you are showing that you do care.

There's a little book called The Enabler, by Angelyn Miller, that I found very helpful at understanding what I was doing and why it's so important to let people (and not just alcoholics, btw -- it works for all types of relationships) experience the consequences of their own actions. If you insulate them from the consequences, they don't learn anything -- and they just keep right on doing... whatever it was that they were doing.

That's the thing. If you go in, bail her out, hire her a lawyer, and get her off the hook, the lesson will be: No need to change anything. If you let the scenario play out on its own, it's possible that she might sit there and realize, I can't do this anymore. Or she might not -- but either way, it's not something you can force.

T

GingerM

Seconding Trombonliness' comment. In addition, it was once pointed out to me that by insulating someone from the consequences, we actively remove from those people the impetus to change. In other words, by "helping" them, we take away their ability to learn. It isn't a passive thing - we actively hinder their learning curve.

One way to think of this is to look at children whose parents do everything for them and always bail them out of any little scrape they get into. Those children become adults who have a false idea that the world will give them everything for nothing because their parents always did; and the world will let them do anything they want with no repercussions because they've never experienced repercussions before. In other words, the parents, while trying to give their kids a "good" life, have, in fact, made the transition to adulthood very much more difficult for their kids.

Seren

Have to admit, Jen, that my choice would be to allow both of your parents to deal with cconsequences of their own actions. None of us can tell you what to do, but we care and hope that you will make your own sanity and health a priority right now.

Hugs, HG

dbh

Thank you for sharing Jen.

I was able to relate to your post.

Around three years ago, my alcoholic father got to the point where he couldn't take care of himself anymore. He was still drinking, had severe emphysema (which he was treating with over-the-counter inhalers), and he had dementia.

At first I didn't want to get involved, but with the help of a cousin I was able to find a facility that would help him with daily activities. He was in his late 60s.

I remember at first feeling almost excited. FINALLY I could "help/save" my father. There was a part of me that envisioned being able to undo all the damage that he did to himself over the years.

It didn't turn out that way. First, a lifetime of drinking and smoking had done a considerable amount of mental and physical damage. By the time we got involved he was very confused and could hardly breathe. Getting on appropriate medication helped a little, but it was basically just slowed down the rate of his decline. He was hospitalized, put on psych meds to calm him down, and ended up in a state run mental hospital. When the time came to find him a nursing home, since he had no savings, he was placed in a Medicaid run facility. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't pretty.

I kept wishing that I could do more and that I could help him find his "happy ending", but there was only so much I could do. His lifetime of bad choices finally caught up with him. We did have a couple of good moments prior to his death in August. I actually saw him more during the 2+ years that he was sick than in my entire adult life. I was able to forgive him and accept that him for who he was, a man that was never able to conquer his demons. I found it very sad, but I had to give up his struggles to his HP.

After his death, I held a very nice memorial service for him. I was able to honor his life without sugar coating the things that he did. This infuriated my mother (his ex-wife). She still holds onto a lot of anger and resentment towards my father and she basically took all of her rage out on me. I chose not to talk to her for awhile.

So, I had just lost my father and was not longer speaking with my mother all in the course of two months. It was hard and I felt like an orphan.

With the help of time, my recovery friends, and my therapist, I got to a point where I was able to forgive both of my parents for all of their mistakes and shortcomings. I finally realized that I will NEVER have the parents that I always wanted and needed to become my own loving parent.

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Thank you for letting me share.

db

dbh

I wanted to comment on this too. During the course of my recovery I have gone through so many stages regarding how I feel about my parents.

I am at the point where I love them both and truly do believe that "they did the best that they could". HOWEVER, even though they both had pretty bad childhoods and were given difficult obstacles to overcome, I believe it was still up to THEM to make the life that they wanted. It wasn't my job.

I find it extremely sad that some people never overcome their demons. I am grateful each day that there was something in me that wanted more, wanted something better. Sometimes I feel like the best way I can honor my parents is by not passing on our family dysfunction.

Hugs,

db

jen928

DBH...thank you so much for sharing. I haven't met anyone to date that has gone through anything similar and it feels very reassuring to hear someone else's story. I have no more plans to help "save" her. Her ex-boyfriend bailed her out of jail on monday morning. I will be going down to see her this weekend, just to say goodbye. I'm sure she'll be drinking by then since she was bailed out just to go sit at his house. no treatment center, no rehab, nothing.
I wish my mom was at the point that I could have her put into a home...she's not quite there yet, surprisingly.

dbh

Sorry about your mother going home without any treatment.

The one positive thing about my father developing dementia was that it finally forced me to accept the fact that he was NEVER going to be the father that I wanted. I think I always held onto that hope. The grief that I experienced when I realized that there was no more hope was huge.

When my father was placed in a nursing home it did give me some comfort. I finally felt like people were looking out for him and I was able to stop worrying about him all the time. However, even then there was only so much I could do. I couldn't reverse the damaged he had done to himself and I didn't have money to put him in a better nursing home.

Serenity prayer, detaching, and giving things up to my HP got me through.

Hope you're finding peace.

db