wouldn't you fight for your family?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
wouldn't you fight for your family?
Good morning everyone,
i want to thank you guys for taking the time to participate in my last thread. i am back with, well you know it, more questions.
the kids and i have been gone now for about a month from our family home and my husband who is using coke (not sure how much or how often) has made no concrete effort to actually try to convince me to come back.
sure he says it on the phone, how much he misses me and the kids, how he wants us to come back, how he is in dumps without us not being there, etc, etc. however, it all seems to end there.
the closest i ever got to anything was that he will try to look up some support groups for his use. that was few days ago, haven't heard any more about it.
is it that he is so far gone that he doesn't even really care if we are there or not?
or maybe that it is easier for him to use w/out anyone nagging him about it?
also his family is supportive of him and feels that i don't appreciate him and that he will find someone else who will?
i know that no one can get in his head and give me an answer, but i was just wondering if anyone was in a similar situation before.
thanks for your help in advance.
hugs and prayers.
i want to thank you guys for taking the time to participate in my last thread. i am back with, well you know it, more questions.
the kids and i have been gone now for about a month from our family home and my husband who is using coke (not sure how much or how often) has made no concrete effort to actually try to convince me to come back.
sure he says it on the phone, how much he misses me and the kids, how he wants us to come back, how he is in dumps without us not being there, etc, etc. however, it all seems to end there.
the closest i ever got to anything was that he will try to look up some support groups for his use. that was few days ago, haven't heard any more about it.
is it that he is so far gone that he doesn't even really care if we are there or not?
or maybe that it is easier for him to use w/out anyone nagging him about it?
also his family is supportive of him and feels that i don't appreciate him and that he will find someone else who will?
i know that no one can get in his head and give me an answer, but i was just wondering if anyone was in a similar situation before.
thanks for your help in advance.
hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 594
my own personal opinion? I'd stay away from the addict who won't grap ahold of recovery.
They will pull their own family down into hell, without blinking an eye.
Words of promises and "I might", mean nothing.
Concrete proof is another story
They will pull their own family down into hell, without blinking an eye.
Words of promises and "I might", mean nothing.
Concrete proof is another story
Not again
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Central NY
Posts: 1,139
I agree with Dreamscape....But then again...
I was in your husbands place and I knew I could not be the person I wanted to be while trapped in my addiction. I also could see no way out. So I did not chase them (my family) as they ran away. I told them I loved them and had to painfully accept that because of my actions I could no longer be a part of thier lives. This is not an easy thing to do. The pain and regrets and giult haunted me for a very long time. I can't say that I am completely over it, as my commitments a genuine and I suspect I will awlays wish I had chosen another path.
I can understand if YOU chose to move on, I only suggest that you try not to influence the children into a lifetime of hated for thier father. For as I grow in my recovery and share the journey (to some extent) with my youngest, I find dealing with my eldest daughters contempt the hardest part of my growth. Perhaps one day she will forgive me when I have demonstated that I am deserving.
Sincerely
Larry
I was in your husbands place and I knew I could not be the person I wanted to be while trapped in my addiction. I also could see no way out. So I did not chase them (my family) as they ran away. I told them I loved them and had to painfully accept that because of my actions I could no longer be a part of thier lives. This is not an easy thing to do. The pain and regrets and giult haunted me for a very long time. I can't say that I am completely over it, as my commitments a genuine and I suspect I will awlays wish I had chosen another path.
I can understand if YOU chose to move on, I only suggest that you try not to influence the children into a lifetime of hated for thier father. For as I grow in my recovery and share the journey (to some extent) with my youngest, I find dealing with my eldest daughters contempt the hardest part of my growth. Perhaps one day she will forgive me when I have demonstated that I am deserving.
Sincerely
Larry
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
As long as I was actively addicted/using, I didn't care about anything other than maintaining the addiction.. even though I wouldn't have admitted it at the time. I lost a lot.. I used more. Nothing outside of me could have ever motivated me to get clean.. course that's just my own experience.
I'm proud of you for taking the steps you needed to to protect your children from living in a home with an active addict.
I'm proud of you for taking the steps you needed to to protect your children from living in a home with an active addict.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((PS))) - addiction is wicked. Sure, he's saying that he's miserable, misses you, but he's not DOING anything to improve the situation. Even if he gets totally clean, there is a lot more to recovery than that.
Go by his actions, sweetie....words mean nothing when we're in active addiction. HE, and only he, has the power to do something about it...get support. I've yet to see an A "get" recovery without the support of other RA's. Families can love us, pray for us, beg us, threaten us, whatever, but if we're not in recovery, we'll probably just tell you what you want us to hear, or be like me when I told dad "I'm sorry I'm hurting you, but I'm not ready to quit yet"
I agree, also, with ((Larry)) on the kids. There are a lot of threads on the codie forum about what to tell the kids. Generally, something like "your dad loves you, but he's not well, right now, but I will always be here for you" (Kitty-Kitty tells her little boy that, and it sounds good to me).
If talking to him, hearing the words but not seeing the actions, is stressing you out, you may want to consider telling him "don't talk to me until you're actually DOING something about this".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Go by his actions, sweetie....words mean nothing when we're in active addiction. HE, and only he, has the power to do something about it...get support. I've yet to see an A "get" recovery without the support of other RA's. Families can love us, pray for us, beg us, threaten us, whatever, but if we're not in recovery, we'll probably just tell you what you want us to hear, or be like me when I told dad "I'm sorry I'm hurting you, but I'm not ready to quit yet"
I agree, also, with ((Larry)) on the kids. There are a lot of threads on the codie forum about what to tell the kids. Generally, something like "your dad loves you, but he's not well, right now, but I will always be here for you" (Kitty-Kitty tells her little boy that, and it sounds good to me).
If talking to him, hearing the words but not seeing the actions, is stressing you out, you may want to consider telling him "don't talk to me until you're actually DOING something about this".
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you guys for responding and for all support.
and what you all have said does resonate w/ me as well. i do not see any actions, i don't understand why not, but as i was told here in SR, unless i'm an addict it cannot really be understood. so i have to accept that.
thanks again for replying. i posted it here b/c i figured that someone has had some similar experiences. and i really appreciate your honesty in answering.
as far as the kids go, i don't want them to hate their father. i don't hate him myself, i don't even think that i am angry w/ him most of the time. mostly i am just sad that it is happening to him and to us and sad to know that i cannot help. but, that's life. we have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
once again, thanks a bunch. i love everyone here and wish you all the best in your progress.
hugs and prayers.
and what you all have said does resonate w/ me as well. i do not see any actions, i don't understand why not, but as i was told here in SR, unless i'm an addict it cannot really be understood. so i have to accept that.
thanks again for replying. i posted it here b/c i figured that someone has had some similar experiences. and i really appreciate your honesty in answering.
as far as the kids go, i don't want them to hate their father. i don't hate him myself, i don't even think that i am angry w/ him most of the time. mostly i am just sad that it is happening to him and to us and sad to know that i cannot help. but, that's life. we have to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
once again, thanks a bunch. i love everyone here and wish you all the best in your progress.
hugs and prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Amy,
i cannot thank you enough for keeping up w/ me and responding to my posts. some days i can't wait to get to the computer and see if anyone responded and sure enough there will be something from you. you just don't know how much that means to me.
like i said earlier, there aren't that many people that are informed of my situation, partly b/c i have barely any friends and partly b/c i feel that they wouldn't really understand the situation. here, at SR i have found a family that can give me advice w/out judging me or my husband or our situation. and that is something that i really need right now. everyone sharing their own experiences has been an immense help.
your honesty and understanding of the problem has given me strength on many a day and i just wanted to say thank you again.
hugs and prayers as you are also on a journey.
i cannot thank you enough for keeping up w/ me and responding to my posts. some days i can't wait to get to the computer and see if anyone responded and sure enough there will be something from you. you just don't know how much that means to me.
like i said earlier, there aren't that many people that are informed of my situation, partly b/c i have barely any friends and partly b/c i feel that they wouldn't really understand the situation. here, at SR i have found a family that can give me advice w/out judging me or my husband or our situation. and that is something that i really need right now. everyone sharing their own experiences has been an immense help.
your honesty and understanding of the problem has given me strength on many a day and i just wanted to say thank you again.
hugs and prayers as you are also on a journey.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 40
I'm sure your husband cares about you and the kids....but right now his addict mind is in control.
Before I fessed up and told my wife everything, I was not ready to quit and was willing to keep it a dark secret to ensure I could keep going.
I'd finally had enough one day and let it all out to my wife and really decided I needed to quit and make the change....quit for 5 days, relapsed for 3 days, and then lied to my wife about those 3 days before I came clean and told her I screwed up.
She was distraught because I lied to her face about it....after I spent the previous days crying in her arms and telling her I needed her help and told her my 5 year lie.
When I saw the hurt in her eyes and felt on the verge of losing all of her trust, I knew it was time to quit. Not just because of that, but it was simply time.
When your husband comes to that realization, I don't know, but hopefully he will.
I know many people/counselors suggest taking a hard line and making it known that there will be consequences for his actions from here on out....but I also realize the scariness and finality of that.
One thing is for certain....your husband is going to want to have to quit before he will quit....you telling him not to is obviously not working.
Some people get that epiphany and strength and quit and others don't.
I wish I knew your husband better and had a better grasp on what makes him tick or what problems his using is covering up/keeping from dealing with.
Before I fessed up and told my wife everything, I was not ready to quit and was willing to keep it a dark secret to ensure I could keep going.
I'd finally had enough one day and let it all out to my wife and really decided I needed to quit and make the change....quit for 5 days, relapsed for 3 days, and then lied to my wife about those 3 days before I came clean and told her I screwed up.
She was distraught because I lied to her face about it....after I spent the previous days crying in her arms and telling her I needed her help and told her my 5 year lie.
When I saw the hurt in her eyes and felt on the verge of losing all of her trust, I knew it was time to quit. Not just because of that, but it was simply time.
When your husband comes to that realization, I don't know, but hopefully he will.
I know many people/counselors suggest taking a hard line and making it known that there will be consequences for his actions from here on out....but I also realize the scariness and finality of that.
One thing is for certain....your husband is going to want to have to quit before he will quit....you telling him not to is obviously not working.
Some people get that epiphany and strength and quit and others don't.
I wish I knew your husband better and had a better grasp on what makes him tick or what problems his using is covering up/keeping from dealing with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
thank you hobu777 for your reply.
like you said hopefully he will get motivated enough to quit and realize what is he missing out on. either way, it's pretty clear by now that there is little to nothing that i can do to help and the time will tell.
i appreciate your support.
also congratulations on your 1 month milestone. i am sure it took a lot of effort and struggles, but you made it. stay strong.
prayers and good wishes for you and your family.
like you said hopefully he will get motivated enough to quit and realize what is he missing out on. either way, it's pretty clear by now that there is little to nothing that i can do to help and the time will tell.
i appreciate your support.
also congratulations on your 1 month milestone. i am sure it took a lot of effort and struggles, but you made it. stay strong.
prayers and good wishes for you and your family.
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