self destruct

Old 04-05-2011, 08:00 AM
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self destruct

I have spent months trying to find my center. Learning to respond slower. And to take a second before responding it all went out the window this weekend. I'm an acoa who had a best friend for twenty years before finding out that the cancer I thought she was going through was nothing more than a pathological lie. I spent three years dealing with the pain it caused and I thought I had dealt with it. This past week I received news that my current close friend may be heading for the real fate of that same cancer. The first couple days u responded fairly well. Saturday night we hung out and I was glad to be there so she could talk but being a little tense I met up with a friend ten minutes after getting there I realized she W's coming to the same place so I took off. She caught me leaving and I fumbled through an excuse drove around the block and came back and had a good night but was highly embarrassed at my actions. On Sunday the thought of messing up again tweaked me out so much that I acted like an idiot that day too. She's going through so much I doubt its really even something she thought about much less cares. However it made me realize that my shattered trust in myself is making an appearance in the wake of this. Emotional trigger. I'm worried my friend will thin I cannot handle the information she will need to share in the new future and wish to assured that my response was not actually due to that but to a past experience. However there is so much going on I don't want it to seem like I'm putting anything else on her plate. I guess I'm just surprised at how quickly I reverted to the acoa. Of the past and am now horribly embarrassed and hoping it doesn't affect the future.
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Old 04-07-2011, 07:00 AM
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Everyone, ACoA or not, does something embarrassing at some point. My guess is that your friend didn't even notice.

Have you found your center again?

The likelihood is that if you found your center and are able to be with your friend, she won't remember unless you remind her. People have short attention spans - especially when they are concerned for their own well-being.

If you have found your center again, I'd bet that you could go over, be with your friend, never bring the issue up, and she wouldn't remember. ACoA's are great at remembering everything they ever did wrong. Healthy people? They don't remember those things as strongly.

If you truly want to move past this, the best thing you can do is process what you think got triggered, deal with it internally, forgive yourself for being human and slipping up, and be with your friend again. She likely hasn't thought twice about it, while you've been unable to forget it.

That's been my experience at least. Let is slide, the Universe doesn't keep a tally sheet on how many times you've goofed up and it's not going to go on your permanent record. Accept that you slipped, forgive yourself, move on.

Your friend will appreciate your support far more than she probably wants or needs an apology or explanation.

If you can't get past the trigger, then it's time for some outside intervention (therapy/AlAnon/whatever works for you).

(I know this sounds blunt, it's not intended as a chastisement, but as a "here's what works for me" Take what you want, leave the rest)
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Old 04-20-2011, 08:49 PM
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That was actually the path I chose to take. The only conversation I had with several of my friends is that I had been "losing my center" for a while now. the more we talked the more we all realized that it correlated pretty closely with when I had stopped taking St. Johns Wort which is a gentle herbal mood supplement. I was embarrassed to do it before so I had never informed my friends that I started taking it six months ago. So when i forgot then started slipping no one knew to remind me. while it's my own responsibility a general trait of someone taking those is to not equate it with a loss of balance if they stop taking them. Now my friends are all aware that I take them and have asked for permission to check if I start to get weird again. I thanked them for their support. I ignored the actual incident but my friend did mention that she knew I had something wrong that weekend and she figured I would talk or figure it out but that it's okay. Everything is going great and I again feel good and centered. Thanks Ginger.
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