Depression getting bad in sobriety
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Mountains
Posts: 166
Depression getting bad in sobriety
Not sure where to start but I need to talk to others who have dual diagnosis issues - addiction and mental illness.
I am almost 6 months clean from cannabis and about 5.5 sober from alcohol and I am feeling more depressed and confused than I have in years.
For a while I felt great and now figure that was the initial rush of being clean and sober - the pink cloud.
Now, all I can think about is whether or not I should start using cannabis again - as in maybe I was better off?
But if I am honest with myself, I was not really "better off" and in at least a few ways, I am "better off" not using and drinking.
I now see that what I always wanted out of weed and booze was a certain shift out of whatever mood state I was dealing with - feeling a little manic and anxious? Have a drink. Feeling depressed or stuck in negative thought loops? Smoke some pot.
Now that I am not doing that, my depressed mood is really wearing on me. I thought I would feel so much better after being clean and sober this many months and I feel almost worse.
I also realize that I tend to get depressed around this time of year and it lasts into early summer. Most people start feeling great around now. I start going in the opposite direction and there's been plenty of sunlight here.
As well, I think my antidepressant has "pooped out" on me as SSRI's tend to do for many after a while.
I am also dealing with severe fatigue states and low level chronic pain most of the time. I finally had to switch stimulant meds and am on Adderall and it is not helping the fatigue or much of the depression at all.
I also have ADD and it does help me stay focused and keep the racing thoughts out.
But this depression is so deep that I feel it is hindering my ability to even participate in my recovery as much as I should. Getting to a meeting has even been hard do to just trying to do what I have to do to survive.
Anyway, not sure what to do except just don't use or drink, get myself to meetings for support and inspiration, and keep working with my doctor.
I just feel like this really miserable sober person and just want that shift away from that. I thought I would have more energy not using and I now have less. Or maybe I am doing more and it's wearing me out more. I don't know.
My addiction is telling me things like, "See, marijuana is good for you. Now look where you are at. You are even worse off. It served a purpose after all."
I think having a mental illness makes recovery very hard at times when you so badly want to self-medicate when prescribed meds don't work or have stopped working and you think you should feel better than you do.
Can anyone relate?
I am almost 6 months clean from cannabis and about 5.5 sober from alcohol and I am feeling more depressed and confused than I have in years.
For a while I felt great and now figure that was the initial rush of being clean and sober - the pink cloud.
Now, all I can think about is whether or not I should start using cannabis again - as in maybe I was better off?
But if I am honest with myself, I was not really "better off" and in at least a few ways, I am "better off" not using and drinking.
I now see that what I always wanted out of weed and booze was a certain shift out of whatever mood state I was dealing with - feeling a little manic and anxious? Have a drink. Feeling depressed or stuck in negative thought loops? Smoke some pot.
Now that I am not doing that, my depressed mood is really wearing on me. I thought I would feel so much better after being clean and sober this many months and I feel almost worse.
I also realize that I tend to get depressed around this time of year and it lasts into early summer. Most people start feeling great around now. I start going in the opposite direction and there's been plenty of sunlight here.
As well, I think my antidepressant has "pooped out" on me as SSRI's tend to do for many after a while.
I am also dealing with severe fatigue states and low level chronic pain most of the time. I finally had to switch stimulant meds and am on Adderall and it is not helping the fatigue or much of the depression at all.
I also have ADD and it does help me stay focused and keep the racing thoughts out.
But this depression is so deep that I feel it is hindering my ability to even participate in my recovery as much as I should. Getting to a meeting has even been hard do to just trying to do what I have to do to survive.
Anyway, not sure what to do except just don't use or drink, get myself to meetings for support and inspiration, and keep working with my doctor.
I just feel like this really miserable sober person and just want that shift away from that. I thought I would have more energy not using and I now have less. Or maybe I am doing more and it's wearing me out more. I don't know.
My addiction is telling me things like, "See, marijuana is good for you. Now look where you are at. You are even worse off. It served a purpose after all."
I think having a mental illness makes recovery very hard at times when you so badly want to self-medicate when prescribed meds don't work or have stopped working and you think you should feel better than you do.
Can anyone relate?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: des moines ia
Posts: 362
Relate ? LOL, I'm right there with ya kiddo. For me ,it comes and goes. Right now it's here ! Your going to be just fine !! Your doing what your supposed to do. Unfortunately it sometimes takes longer to fell better than we would like. Some days I fight it with everything I've got, some days I say F it and lay down on the couch. Accepting that this is just the way I feel today. On those days I have to rely on my intellect instead of my emotions. I don't let myself make any decisions that would affect anything in the future.
Your friend,
Ron
Your friend,
Ron
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Sure can relate. I find that when i force myself to suit up and show up...dress nice, make-up, get out of the house....I sometimes have to force myself to do it, but once going...the going gets better. it doesn't matter whether it is to grocery shop, attend church, a meeting...making myself get started always helps the mood.
All blessings to you!
All blessings to you!
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Catwings. You have no idea how much I can relate. In fact, you could be me on a parallel plane universe 
I am an addict, depressed, ADD, and deal with chronic pain issues. My addictions have varied over the years, but alchohol is the major one. I am on an antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and Ritalin for my ADD. Although they have been working on my mood and focus, and am still well detached from my normal functioning self. In the last year, my chronic drinking was mostly to get away from the chronic pain in my right knee that needs replacing, but which I can't afford to do, from both a cost and recovery time perspective. I am self-employed, and my business has been suffering greatly. I've spent most of my assets during this last year. If this isn't a bottom, I dont know what is. The only positive is that I can't afford cigarettes, so I quit 2 months ago, and I can't afford booze, so I stopped 25 days ago.
I know this is not supportive to you yet, but maybe in the end it will help us both. I am glad to have found someone on this site that has the same constellation of problems as I do.
Being smoke and drink free has brought some restored physical health; I can breath, and my bathroom results are improved. Although I've put on 10 lbs due to eating everything in the house indiscriminately (did I mention that I had to move my office home?), I am today working on getting the workout eqpt back in place. It's also sunny today, so I'm hoping spring has finally popped around here. I can still bicycle, and that gives all around relief.
Although I don't regularly smoke pot, and haven't for a decade, I have been managing my mood, sleep, pain, and energy levels with Rx drugs such as Xanax, muscle relaxers and booze. Ritalin is a necessity to get anything done.
I don't know which side of the equator you are on, but if you are heading into winter, I'm glad you are doing something about it now. I didn't until I completely shut down in December. I've produced no income since then. I have to get myself back up or I'll lose more than I already have.
You have my thoughts and prayers. I hope we can stay in touch on SR, and help each other out.
I think a completely clear mind is what will get me back to a tolerable reality where I can learn and develop better coping skills. The chronic knee pain has the best chance of being my undoing, since I don't know how to kill the pain better than I can with alcohol.
Please take care, and resist for today. Tomorrow may bring a new perspective.
Bob
I am an addict, depressed, ADD, and deal with chronic pain issues. My addictions have varied over the years, but alchohol is the major one. I am on an antidepressant, Wellbutrin, and Ritalin for my ADD. Although they have been working on my mood and focus, and am still well detached from my normal functioning self. In the last year, my chronic drinking was mostly to get away from the chronic pain in my right knee that needs replacing, but which I can't afford to do, from both a cost and recovery time perspective. I am self-employed, and my business has been suffering greatly. I've spent most of my assets during this last year. If this isn't a bottom, I dont know what is. The only positive is that I can't afford cigarettes, so I quit 2 months ago, and I can't afford booze, so I stopped 25 days ago.
I know this is not supportive to you yet, but maybe in the end it will help us both. I am glad to have found someone on this site that has the same constellation of problems as I do.
Being smoke and drink free has brought some restored physical health; I can breath, and my bathroom results are improved. Although I've put on 10 lbs due to eating everything in the house indiscriminately (did I mention that I had to move my office home?), I am today working on getting the workout eqpt back in place. It's also sunny today, so I'm hoping spring has finally popped around here. I can still bicycle, and that gives all around relief.
Although I don't regularly smoke pot, and haven't for a decade, I have been managing my mood, sleep, pain, and energy levels with Rx drugs such as Xanax, muscle relaxers and booze. Ritalin is a necessity to get anything done.
I don't know which side of the equator you are on, but if you are heading into winter, I'm glad you are doing something about it now. I didn't until I completely shut down in December. I've produced no income since then. I have to get myself back up or I'll lose more than I already have.
You have my thoughts and prayers. I hope we can stay in touch on SR, and help each other out.
I think a completely clear mind is what will get me back to a tolerable reality where I can learn and develop better coping skills. The chronic knee pain has the best chance of being my undoing, since I don't know how to kill the pain better than I can with alcohol.
Please take care, and resist for today. Tomorrow may bring a new perspective.
Bob
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 715
Man, can I relate 
I saw a doctor for the first time last week and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and my first thought was - no wonder I drank so much. I've been telling myself the last few days that I didn't just drink to combat the depression. That was part of it, sure, but not the whole gambit. I drank for oblivion too, which is wouldn't help much of anything.
Right now I'm trying to detach from the disorder and hope meds do the trick but it is tough no question.
Take care - depression is a real tough to trudge through clean and sober.
I saw a doctor for the first time last week and was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and my first thought was - no wonder I drank so much. I've been telling myself the last few days that I didn't just drink to combat the depression. That was part of it, sure, but not the whole gambit. I drank for oblivion too, which is wouldn't help much of anything.Right now I'm trying to detach from the disorder and hope meds do the trick but it is tough no question.
Take care - depression is a real tough to trudge through clean and sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: The Mountains
Posts: 166
Thank you for the all the replies. It is good to know I am not alone though I am sorry for everyone's suffering here.
It is funny, but just today, I felt the Adderall working and felt much like a normal person might. Not depressed, enough energy but not too much, and not totally full of fatigue in brain and body.
Interestingly, I also did not feel like drinking or using weed today for the first time in days. So, my depression symptoms are usually what drive me to my addictions. I am clear on that now.
So I think managing depression (and in Bob's case, like mine, chronic pain) is essential for recovery.
Bob, can you go to some kind of pain management program or doctor? I think it's really important that you get proper treatment for that. Chronic pain is considered a disease in and of itself because it takes over a lot of your neurological and brain functioning and can really wear a person down in some serious ways. So can depression.
So what I am learning is that I may not like being on medications, but unfortunately I require them and all the herbs, exercise, etc. never did enough on their own or in combination. I hate that I have to take meds but I do. It's been a lifelong illness for me that can get really serious. So getting proper treatment and taking what I am prescribed until I have adequate relief has to be part of my recovery.
I was just so hoping that quitting pot and booze would make it so I didn't have to take meds or as many anymore. More denial and delusion as there were years I didn't do anything recreational and ended up hospitalized.
However, I can't put it all on meds to do the job for me. I know I have to do my best to heal the stuff that goes with this and has made me a depressive or anxious personality type as well.
I have to do the yoga, the meditation, the recovery process, everything I can. I am in it for the fight of my life really.
It is funny, but just today, I felt the Adderall working and felt much like a normal person might. Not depressed, enough energy but not too much, and not totally full of fatigue in brain and body.
Interestingly, I also did not feel like drinking or using weed today for the first time in days. So, my depression symptoms are usually what drive me to my addictions. I am clear on that now.
So I think managing depression (and in Bob's case, like mine, chronic pain) is essential for recovery.
Bob, can you go to some kind of pain management program or doctor? I think it's really important that you get proper treatment for that. Chronic pain is considered a disease in and of itself because it takes over a lot of your neurological and brain functioning and can really wear a person down in some serious ways. So can depression.
So what I am learning is that I may not like being on medications, but unfortunately I require them and all the herbs, exercise, etc. never did enough on their own or in combination. I hate that I have to take meds but I do. It's been a lifelong illness for me that can get really serious. So getting proper treatment and taking what I am prescribed until I have adequate relief has to be part of my recovery.
I was just so hoping that quitting pot and booze would make it so I didn't have to take meds or as many anymore. More denial and delusion as there were years I didn't do anything recreational and ended up hospitalized.
However, I can't put it all on meds to do the job for me. I know I have to do my best to heal the stuff that goes with this and has made me a depressive or anxious personality type as well.
I have to do the yoga, the meditation, the recovery process, everything I can. I am in it for the fight of my life really.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: NYC/NJ
Posts: 431
Originally Posted by CatWings 
Not sure where to start but I need to talk to others who have dual diagnosis issues - addiction and mental illness.
I am almost 6 months clean from cannabis and about 5.5 sober from alcohol and I am feeling more depressed and confused than I have in years.
For a while I felt great and now figure that was the initial rush of being clean and sober - the pink cloud.
Now, all I can think about is whether or not I should start using cannabis again - as in maybe I was better off?
But if I am honest with myself, I was not really "better off" and in at least a few ways, I am "better off" not using and drinking.
I now see that what I always wanted out of weed and booze was a certain shift out of whatever mood state I was dealing with - feeling a little manic and anxious? Have a drink. Feeling depressed or stuck in negative thought loops? Smoke some pot.
Now that I am not doing that, my depressed mood is really wearing on me. I thought I would feel so much better after being clean and sober this many months and I feel almost worse.
I also realize that I tend to get depressed around this time of year and it lasts into early summer. Most people start feeling great around now. I start going in the opposite direction and there's been plenty of sunlight here.
As well, I think my antidepressant has "pooped out" on me as SSRI's tend to do for many after a while.
I am also dealing with severe fatigue states and low level chronic pain most of the time. I finally had to switch stimulant meds and am on Adderall and it is not helping the fatigue or much of the depression at all.
I also have ADD and it does help me stay focused and keep the racing thoughts out.
But this depression is so deep that I feel it is hindering my ability to even participate in my recovery as much as I should. Getting to a meeting has even been hard do to just trying to do what I have to do to survive.
Anyway, not sure what to do except just don't use or drink, get myself to meetings for support and inspiration, and keep working with my doctor.
I just feel like this really miserable sober person and just want that shift away from that. I thought I would have more energy not using and I now have less. Or maybe I am doing more and it's wearing me out more. I don't know.
My addiction is telling me things like, "See, marijuana is good for you. Now look where you are at. You are even worse off. It served a purpose after all."
I think having a mental illness makes recovery very hard at times when you so badly want to self-medicate when prescribed meds don't work or have stopped working and you think you should feel better than you do.
Can anyone relate?
I am almost 6 months clean from cannabis and about 5.5 sober from alcohol and I am feeling more depressed and confused than I have in years.
For a while I felt great and now figure that was the initial rush of being clean and sober - the pink cloud.
Now, all I can think about is whether or not I should start using cannabis again - as in maybe I was better off?
But if I am honest with myself, I was not really "better off" and in at least a few ways, I am "better off" not using and drinking.
I now see that what I always wanted out of weed and booze was a certain shift out of whatever mood state I was dealing with - feeling a little manic and anxious? Have a drink. Feeling depressed or stuck in negative thought loops? Smoke some pot.
Now that I am not doing that, my depressed mood is really wearing on me. I thought I would feel so much better after being clean and sober this many months and I feel almost worse.
I also realize that I tend to get depressed around this time of year and it lasts into early summer. Most people start feeling great around now. I start going in the opposite direction and there's been plenty of sunlight here.
As well, I think my antidepressant has "pooped out" on me as SSRI's tend to do for many after a while.
I am also dealing with severe fatigue states and low level chronic pain most of the time. I finally had to switch stimulant meds and am on Adderall and it is not helping the fatigue or much of the depression at all.
I also have ADD and it does help me stay focused and keep the racing thoughts out.
But this depression is so deep that I feel it is hindering my ability to even participate in my recovery as much as I should. Getting to a meeting has even been hard do to just trying to do what I have to do to survive.
Anyway, not sure what to do except just don't use or drink, get myself to meetings for support and inspiration, and keep working with my doctor.
I just feel like this really miserable sober person and just want that shift away from that. I thought I would have more energy not using and I now have less. Or maybe I am doing more and it's wearing me out more. I don't know.
My addiction is telling me things like, "See, marijuana is good for you. Now look where you are at. You are even worse off. It served a purpose after all."
I think having a mental illness makes recovery very hard at times when you so badly want to self-medicate when prescribed meds don't work or have stopped working and you think you should feel better than you do.
Can anyone relate?
recovering addicts really need to be off all mood altering substances. 6 months off weed and alcohol its highly unlikely that those are causing these symptoms. it seems you are aware of the meds issue and i know you mentioned that you need them, and you've tried healthy alternatives with no luck. that said, you should really talk to your doc about healthier options to treat ADD.
Yoga, meditation, recovery programs only truly work if you're in your natural state.
Not all better, getting better
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Hi Cat. I too can really relate to your post. Marijuana and alcohol were my substances of choice, more the pot than the booze, but they were both an issue. I quit smoking pot about 2 years ago, but continued drinking for about another 6 months. I was clean and sober for a few months, then began smoking spice to get high. My addict mind said that because it was legal, at the time at least, that it was OK. It wasn't. After smoking that for about a year I quit and have been having problems with anxiety and severe depression ever since. The problems were there all along, but I was using the drugs to deal with them.
I've been clean and sober for a little more than a month now, I don't count days. A couple of weeks ago the depression got to the point I had to check into the hospital. They changed up the meds I was taking and it seemed to help for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling really depressed. I've been exercising, trying to watch my diet and working on meditation to help with my moods. While it has been of some help, I think that the meds need some adjustment. Hopefully I can get in with a doctor tomorrow to address that.
I just wanted to let you know you are far from alone in this struggle. I have been a member of this site for many years and the people here are amazing. The names come and go over the years, but I am always amazed at the compassion total strangers can show for one another. I don't really have any advice for you, you seem to be doing about as well as you can expect to. Hang in there, they say it gets better!! Take care.
I've been clean and sober for a little more than a month now, I don't count days. A couple of weeks ago the depression got to the point I had to check into the hospital. They changed up the meds I was taking and it seemed to help for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling really depressed. I've been exercising, trying to watch my diet and working on meditation to help with my moods. While it has been of some help, I think that the meds need some adjustment. Hopefully I can get in with a doctor tomorrow to address that.
I just wanted to let you know you are far from alone in this struggle. I have been a member of this site for many years and the people here are amazing. The names come and go over the years, but I am always amazed at the compassion total strangers can show for one another. I don't really have any advice for you, you seem to be doing about as well as you can expect to. Hang in there, they say it gets better!! Take care.
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