agky

I spent 5 years of my life with an abusive alcoholic. I was always on Sober Recovery trying to find answers to help my boyfriend get through his addiction. I actually started recovering by working the steps. I didn't think anything was wrong with me, until I realized I wasn't happy either. My boyfriend and his needy family were my drug. Instead of needing a substance, I was needing toxic people to take care of...

I was 21 when I got into the relationship....

I guess I should start from the beginning. lol

I grew up in a very small family. My Dad was an alchy from the get go. My mom is a lot like me. She wanted to take care of him and his daughter (my half-sister) from his previous marriage. They met in college....She saw the signs of the problem, but ignored it...and then they got married and here I am...

So fast forward....I'm 5 and my father is cheating on my mother at this time, also drinking more, and taking pills....he was always so emotionally abusive to her...anyway, by the time I was 7, my mom put the pieces together and realized my father was cheating on her with a young teacher that was 18 years younger than my Dad...

My Dad moved out and then married my stepmom 6 months later....they act like they never cheated, but I know better...they always lie about it....so Jackie (my step-mom) and her two boys move out of their broken down apartment to live the high life with my dad....my stepbrothers got everything...they lived with him, and I didn't...my little brother and I kind of got put into "yesterday's garbage"....

We would see my Dad on the weekends, but after a while I didn't want to go anymore because he would always be drug and so judgmental....

My mom had custody at the time....totally distraught by her marriage and responsibilities, she started drinking as well...my life consisted of going to see live music and different bars, and traveling to see shows...I was exposed to lots of music and lots of drunks...a

When I got into my teens, I was hardly ever home (and no one ever noticed)...lets see this is when things get really bad....

I started drinking, smoking, doing coke, or really snorting anything I could get my hands on...I was 16...

I've been raped multiple times, and even got pregnant from one. That's when I had my first abortion. That was a wake up call...after that happened I kinda turned into a hermit, and stayed home and wrote, and puddered about on the internet. That's when I met my first really good boyfriend. My life was coming together. He was a computer programmer, and I was going to school, and we had an ok life. Until he asked me to marry him when I was 19 and I freaked out, and said no...thats when I started drinking again....to "meet" new people because I had been out of the loop...

I met my next boyfriend who was British, went to England, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, but when I came back to America to get my papers in order, he cheated on me...soo...now here I am again..this time my mom moved to a different city so I had to meet all different people...how do I do this when I'm not in college and I'm 21...by drinking...

So I met my last boyfriend who was the worst of all. He played guitar beautifully and that's what drew me in. He was living in a house with a bunch of other people who played music, and life was pretty sweet. I didn't see any problems because I was around alot of people my age doing the same thing...then we ran into his dad downtown...he hadn't seen him in ages so we go to his house to visit...thats when all **** hit the fan...I should have called CPS...but I thought I could handle the situation. His dad wanted us to help him with his kids. His Dad suffers from SO many different mental illnesses...he retired navy, and gets 100% disablity from the government just for that....his kids got taken away and he fought for them back just for the money...he had them in a trailer with holes in the floor, trash everywhere, rats, no stove or oven, fridge was broken, no shower head....I had never seen anything like that in my life...so i cleaned the whole house, and then it went on for 5 years...I was taking care of my boyfriend who was abusive and would choke me, hit me, push me, and do this to the kids...and then his dad I had to take him to appts...and help him get his life together with SSC and just everyday living...and then the kids...making sure they were going to school and staying out of trouble (oh yeah, their mom was on heroin, so thats why she wasnt around)...anyway...to make a long story short...I finally realized that the stress was making my body physically hurt....I was 24 and felt 60....so I slowly detached myself, and when Cory and I moved to Nashville I left him. My best friend Catie moved with me, so it was an easy transition because I had a good support system. Cory moved to Oregon, and is in school now. He is actually made a good life for himself there....

I met an amazing guy in the meantime. He is a Biology student, and super creative and smart. We always have so much to talk about...problem is, I'm trying to sabotage the relationship before it even takes off...When I first broke up with Cory I had a burst of self confidence...I felt strong and smart...but now that I'm with my boyfriend I feel like a loser...I spent most of my 20's helping this stupid family, instead of getting an education...now, I'm with this guy who thinks I'm smart, but I feel so stupid because I don't have any education or anything...I want to be the best for him but I dont think I am...sometimes I'll hide in my room...I'm scared to say anything because I don't want him to think I'm stupid, but then I look stupid by not talking....I dont like this, I dont know where to go or what to do...how do I start my life back over...I also find it hard to talk to anyone my age really.....I feel like I left the planet for a while, and now I'm back....

How do I adjust back into the world?? I had the strength to leave...now I need the strength to live.....

Stimmed

Hi Agky and welcome to SR :-)

You have a good heart, thats obvious. If he's as smart as you say, he'll see that. So just be youself and let things happen! Looking back too much can cause regret, not good. Sure its made you who you are today, but shouldn't be seen as a draw-back!
Dont be too hard on yourself, besides you seem pretty smart from here!

Best of luck :-)

micealc

Agky............my life seems boring just after reading your share.
I know its not been easy,but you have done so much for someone so young....and you are young.
Your best bet is to get to Face to Face AlAnon or better still ACA Meetings.
You will find comfort there and people who will understand where you are coming from.
You are never too young to be the person you were ment to be...........start looking after yourself.....you are addicted to looking after others.All the best to you.I am so grateful for People like you that make my problems small in comparrison.

IO Storm

Dear Agky...

Thank you for sharing your story....I agree with micealc...Alanon meetings are wonderful
for people with codependent issues. You will find others just like yourself there, do not
fear to go. I need to get back there myself...as to the children in the former relationship, if you are still worried about them...make a call to CPS. As you begin to take action in your life you will get better. Just don't ever give up.

All blessings and prayers for you. And, keep posting..

IO

RECF

God, I feel so much like you, including the traveling around. My dad drinks so much, he shakes when he doesn't have a beer in his hand - hit me when I was a kid too... doesn't remember it either. Lived the bohemian life in Europe for a bunch of years, ran away from real problems here in the States - thought I was pretty bada$$ for doing it that way, too. Always wanted to be a writer, would tell everyone that I was, but got sucked into my alcoholic/druggy husband's ways and am 33 and not a single thing completed. I feel like sh!t and I'm broke to boot. I've lost my apartment, my dog, everything. I would say we should have a grade A pity-party, but somehow I don't think that's gonna help anyone. Only to say, am feeling the same way. Pitiful, ain't it...

dothi

It sounds like you are doing tremendously well considering what you've had to work with!

It's also great that you're meeting better and better guys. You've got something wonderful going for you that's going to keep shining. Just remember that the biggest person responsible for maintaining that shine is you. You made an energetic leap from Cory bursting with confidence because you recognized a decision that was right and healthy for you. Honestly, it's just one example of many more right and healthy decisions you still need to keep learning... (how to recognize, evaluate, enforce... oh yeah, there's lots!)

Quote:

how do I start my life back over...

Once you can figure out WHAT to do, you could get a start on it... but that's pretty tough to do alone. Who, in addition to your new guy friend, do you have for resources in your life? Would you consider trying ACOA meetings if they're in your area? Have you ever considered therapy?

You definitely have these forums of people's stories to read through. But push come to shove, we are so short-skilled growing up in alcoholic homes that it's darned hard to learn better skills on our own. I haven't had the extent of your life experience, but I did have to break away from an alcoholic family (and unlearn the dysfunction that came with it). I wouldn't have figured it out without therapy and educating myself (just by reading books). If it's feeling hard remember you're still on the steep part of the learning curve we've all been through. It's not easy being an adult who doesn't know how to feel or act much like one