Trust as a trigger

Old 03-17-2011, 09:54 PM
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Unhappy Trust as a trigger

When I was a sophomore in college, I was spending an afternoon with my A dad. My dad invited me somewhere with he and his girlfriend. I declined, stating that the last time I went with them I had been yelled at by my mom for "betraying her," followed by a whole string of cuss words. I asked him to keep our conversation in confidence.

A couple weeks later, they were in divorce court settling child support for my youngest brother. My dad said my mom was abusing her children and that he would not pay child support to a mom who was abusive. For the record, she was and is not abusive.

In the end, not only did I get blamed for my dad not paying child support, but I also got blamed for my dad accusing my mom of abuse.

I told a dear friend of mine that I trust him. I'm terrified that trusting him will "backfire" on me. I've never known any different-- my trust in my A dad was broken time after time after time.

I know that my friend is not my A dad. It's not fair to reflect my issues with my dad onto my friend, but it's all that I know. Changing 20 years of "habits" is really difficult. I'm trying, and that's all that I can do.
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:55 PM
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There's not really a question here. I was just triggered and needed an outlet.
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Old 03-21-2011, 10:04 AM
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I think we might have the same mother. My F was not an A though both my parents grew up as ACOA's and my household may as well have been an alcoholic one...

I grew up knowing that if I told my Dad anything about how I felt (bc he was, for me, the better of the 2 parents since I was the one my mother targetted), he'd eventually tell my mother (use what I told him as ammunition against her in a fight). Then I'd never hear the end of it from my mom and was told, like you that I betryayed her etc...

For what it's worth, I think that any parent who tells their child they have "betrayed" them is, to a certain degree, guilty of emotional abuse. And a parent who betrays their child's trust as your Dad did, is guilty of the same...

I'm sorry that was your experience growing up. Mine too and I married an alcoholic who it turns out I can not trust at all. For someone who already has an impossibly difficult time trusting myself and my instincts and my feelings, being married to an A is just a nightmare...
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Old 03-22-2011, 04:43 PM
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Hi cb12, I have an A-dad too, complete with childish behavior and broken promises. I hid my disappointment and pain from him because he was so unpredictable (childish, anything from crying to raging) when I got upset over a broken promise. As my parent, I naturally believed he had a method to his madness; he's the parent, he must be right. I didn't know any better. When he broke my trust, I believed it was my fault for being vulnerable or too sensitive in the first place.

The difference between trusting then and trusting now is becoming comfortable with the fact that I am vulnerable, immensely vulnerable, especially around people I really like. Your/my dad taught us to be ashamed of being vulnerable (since it hurt so much every time we were vulnerable around them). Pretty ridiculous, hey? Especially since often I'll begin feeling really ashamed around a person I like, and then I'll realize I feel the shame because I like/trust the person, which means I'm automatically vulnerable around them (because they could shame me or disappoint me, etc. etc. etc.) This might be the feeling haunting you now.

Time and exposure to more healthy, trustworthy people are the best conditions for re-writing this bad habit (so keep taking the baby steps you're taking!). If you're finding friendships, keep nurturing them. Having an A-parent is like starting life off the a $100,000 deficit in emotional development; you're gonna need a lot of healthy people investment just to break even by the time you get to adulthood. I definitely still struggle with forgiving myself for being vulnerable to begin with... whenever I sense that dread coming on (oh dear god they're could hurt me now...), I chalk it up to my dad's emotional deficit. Then I can understand it as part of my dad's bullsh*t (instead of something wrong with me, it's something that came from him).
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Old 03-22-2011, 07:58 PM
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I can remember my mom used to get so angry with me and my younger brothers when we'd lie about something, even little things that probably shouldn't have mattered. She hates it when people lie to her- I figured out why-- she was married to my A father for 20 years... duh.

Thanks for your posts, dothi and wanttobehealthy. I continually feel that worry/shame when I am in a position of vulnerability. I find myself asking my friend (from original post) to keep specific conversations confidential, and every time he assures me that what he and I speak about IS confidential, but even still I ask him. I fear that eventually my asking him to keep conversations confidential, will be perceived as distrust on my part.

Is control a part of this "trust issue" as well? I can't control what he does with the information/my vulnerability, and I want to control that SO BAD. I'm guessing that part of trusting/being vulnerable, is relinquishing that control (which is really hard for me).
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Old 03-22-2011, 09:18 PM
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It's the same thing for me when it comes to my relationships, friendly, family, or romantic, doesn't matter. Trust is a nice, but shxtty thing all in the same for me. I'm working on it, I don't have any advice for you, just want you to know you're not alone in your struggles.
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Old 03-24-2011, 07:45 AM
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WOW- good points! Children can't really betray their parents. They're just speaking the truth.
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