picking the right partner
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 1
picking the right partner
Hello,
I am brand new to this, and only in the last year have i begun to look at the effects of growing up with a functional alcoholic. The more I read, the more I accept that so many of both my better and worse qualities originated from the pain of this relationship with my father. Now at age 30, I am almost two years in to a relationship with someone in recovery. Through this relationship, I attempted to play out so many of the learned pains from my childhood, despite the fact that my partner is in recovery. I am wondering if I can do my own work to be able to love this person without fear, or whether by choosing a partner with these struggles, I am keeping myself in purgatory. It is such a struggle for me to trust that I am not going to somehow get hurt by her past addiction.
The more I read, the more I realize that I share many of the textbook symptoms. With that comes a different form of acceptance, and does almost allow for some forgiveness. I just want to make sure I don't pass these traits down to my future generations, and want to make sure I end up in a relationship that is both easy to feel supported in, and in turn easy for me to support. Also, I know I have struggled with the love / pity theme which I am seeing pop up in other threads of this nature.
Any thoughts or advice here is much appreciated.
Thanks
I am brand new to this, and only in the last year have i begun to look at the effects of growing up with a functional alcoholic. The more I read, the more I accept that so many of both my better and worse qualities originated from the pain of this relationship with my father. Now at age 30, I am almost two years in to a relationship with someone in recovery. Through this relationship, I attempted to play out so many of the learned pains from my childhood, despite the fact that my partner is in recovery. I am wondering if I can do my own work to be able to love this person without fear, or whether by choosing a partner with these struggles, I am keeping myself in purgatory. It is such a struggle for me to trust that I am not going to somehow get hurt by her past addiction.
The more I read, the more I realize that I share many of the textbook symptoms. With that comes a different form of acceptance, and does almost allow for some forgiveness. I just want to make sure I don't pass these traits down to my future generations, and want to make sure I end up in a relationship that is both easy to feel supported in, and in turn easy for me to support. Also, I know I have struggled with the love / pity theme which I am seeing pop up in other threads of this nature.
Any thoughts or advice here is much appreciated.
Thanks
Emotional Shutdown
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
I am in a similar situation, but I am in my 40's.
Have you tried Al-Anon? it's helped me a lot.
I chose a man just like my father. He has all of the great qualities my father had, and he is an alcoholic, just like my dad.
Keep coming back.
Have you tried Al-Anon? it's helped me a lot.
I chose a man just like my father. He has all of the great qualities my father had, and he is an alcoholic, just like my dad.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello fbr, and welcome to SoberRecovery.
I also recommend al-anon, it has done me worlds of good. You can learn all about it in the forum "next door"
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
At the top of each forum there are a group of posts called "sticky" posts. These are the ones that the members have chosen as exceptionally powerful, informative or moving. Take a little time to browse thru those, I think you'll find a lot of useful info there.
Mike
I also recommend al-anon, it has done me worlds of good. You can learn all about it in the forum "next door"
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
At the top of each forum there are a group of posts called "sticky" posts. These are the ones that the members have chosen as exceptionally powerful, informative or moving. Take a little time to browse thru those, I think you'll find a lot of useful info there.
Mike
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