Tryin2GetNormal

hey, fellow opiate addict here. relapsed roughly 6-8 times and its such a B to get through this :-/

i am 4 days clean and still going through withdrawals...quit cold turkey. this is not the first time i've gone through this, and i thought pain was the best teacher but as many times as i've gone through it, obviously it wasn't for a hard headed student like me.

Anyway, i know that boredom is sometimes a trigger for me. I know that us addicts have to stay busy and keep doing things in order for us not to relapse. Call me lazy, but it just seems like so much to do sometimes though. Can you guys relate? I mean, there are times when i will fill my whole day with activities just to stay busy, and other days i dont have as much to do and just chill. During the early phase of my recovery when i am only a few days clean, i tend to try harder at being a better person. later on when i get more towards normal however, i realize that i kind of get lazy i guess. unappreciative maybe?

Sometimes i just wanna break down and cry when i think about how much i've been/am going through. i dunno, share your thoughts i guess...

Stride34

Congrats on 4 days! you're past the worst of it, don't even look back now. fight through the rest of the physical stuff then get some professional help and family/friend support to get the tools needed to change your life for good. you already know how scary and tricky this stuff is or you wouldn't be here. get help, do it right one last time.

good luck, it's so worth it to not be a slave to pills.

Lenetrk

I can't tell you how many times I relapsed.And swore I would never go through this again. But until I saw the stark reality of what was ahead of me if I didn't guit it was a vicious cycle. You have already proved to yourself that you can do this! You have almost a week clean.That's a lot to be proud of.And yes there are times when you feel like breaking down and having a good cry. There's nothing wrong with that.We have all been where you are and it does get better! But keeping yourself occupied is paramount. That's the one thing that I was always concerned with. As long as I was busy it made it easier.You are going to get through this.This is just a bump in the road. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. God Bless and keep posting you will find a wealth of support here!

Tryin2GetNormal

thanks for the support from the both of you, i can feel the words working already .

tdbettr

I relapsed and what has helped me is realizing that the past six months are a blurr. And now I'm back to reality on day 24 seeing that all I did was ignore and makes things worse when I was on the Oxy train. Just because i was high doesn't mean that time stops. it does howver stop for us.

Write down the hell your goiong through with WD. I read my previous posts and it helps me when I have a craving. Which is usually after work when I want to just mentally just shut off and have fun. But I can't go back to OXy so I try to do anything to keep busy.

itsnowornever

tryin, looks like we are in the same boat my friend. If you need me don't hesitate to reach out.

tjhook

Tryin,

I also relapsed a TON of times...cost me a job, whole lot of money, but the worst was my ex fiance split with me 3 weeks before our wedding....all because of opiates. I just got through a 12 day suboxone detox. Now the tough part.....learning from my past and staying clean. You can do this and so can I.....so all I am saying is you are not alone. PM me anytime bud, stay strong! TJ

Tryin2GetNormal

i dont have to write down the hell of WD to remember believe me LOL.
that oxy train derails you off the track of life.... never go back to it.

thanks, its always vice versa....all love.
my drug problem cost me my job as well. It amplified my anger problems and one.....two....or three days i got a short fuse lol. cost me thousands. I was on top of the world with these pills AND i had a job raking the cash in....all down the toilet but i am working my way back up there and will appreciate it much more this time and it will LAST DAMNIT!

3 weeks before your wedding...now that is rough. if that isn't motivation for sobriety i dunno what is...

OutofIdeas75

4 days....man I know that day well. It sucks. Not as bad as day 2-3....but you still feel like crawling in a hole and dying. The lack of sleep was one of the worst parts for me...as well as all the side affects. 1 more day and you should feel a lot better. Staying active? I'm not too good at that. I'd rather just lay in bed staring at the ceiling than move at all. Maybe I'll give that a try...but day 2-4 people can tell there is something very wrong with me. I brush it off as flu symptoms, then no one wants to be around me. Throw a fake cough here and there and they avoid you like the plague.


Day 4 is awesome. You're almost out of it. Keep it up, it's too late to turn back. 1 pill = you're back to day 1. THAT sucks. No rest for the wicked and no slacking for the recovered. Give it a few weeks and life will feel like a high (I know it sounds cheesy, but you won't feel "right" until a few weeks later).

Tryin2GetNormal

yea i told people i caught a bug from a coworker. No one wants to be aroudn me, but more importantly, i didnt wanna be around anyone!

you are not cheesy at all, i know what you mean because i am experiencing that high right now. when the sun comes up in the morning, i am refreshed by it instead of trying to block it out and sleep. 360 baby!

OutofIdeas75

The day when you wake up and that "want" isn't there...naturally...looking for something to drink to choke down the mornings pill...man that is a damn good day. To stop timing your day 3-4 hours at a time...looking for what time your last dose was, realizing it was only an hour and a half ago and wanting to dose anyway...when all those thought processes are gone, it's so much easier to live your day. It might make the day seem longer, but you get used to not being a slave anymore. For awhile, you're going to think, "It's X o'clock...time for last dose...oh wait I don't do that crap anymore". But man...it's so fkin nice to be FREE. A pack of cigs and a lighter...then you leave your home and go off to work or w/e you do...not thinking about carrying a few doses and making sure you get home to resupply....damn that's a good feeling. You all the sudden have all this extra cash to catch up on stuff you put to the side in favor of dope...wow....you feel rich! Finding a hobby worked for me when I quit. Something that costs $$$...so your wallet doesn't feel "too heavy" to the point that "burning a few bucks on dope" won't hurt... It's a completely different mind set, and it's amazing how such a small little pill can turn your whole world upside-down. Fking pills...


I'm glad to see you in recovery. I'm holding onto your accomplishment as a goal for myself. I know this tapering BS is just ME keeping myself "fueled up", just in smaller doses. I want this crap gone and, if you can make it, so can I. Most of the people on SR do not support my method of quitting, and have even stopped posting on my threads...but I don't really care. I'm going to sleep through the worst of it, with the help of somas and bars...and damn the consequences. No, I'm not addicted to either one...but OTC sleeping pills don't work on detox insomnia. I have learned that the hard way. So I'm going to do what I have to do.

So far, I have gone from taking 49 Lorcet 10-650's a day (green beans, as some addicts so affectionately call them) to an average of 8-16 a day (8 is one dose for my tolerance). Now all that remains is quitting, like you have. I'm not religious (I believe in God, but I don't go to church nor do I pray), so NA isn't an option. I can't have people cram that down my throat. If you don't worship that way, you just don't...and no one can make you. Besides, God isn't going to magically cure my addiction...it is just someone to blame for my actions. I'm going to quit for me...and me alone. I dread the detox...I mean...I'm scared sh!tless of it. I've done it a dozen times, but it's never been this bad. However...it's coming, like it or not. Maybe tomorrow... I have one dose left and am wondering if I can take just 1 pill a day before going cold turkey (8 days), but I don't know if only taking 1 will send me into detox hell... Guess I'll find out! Another part of me (the addict inside) is saying, "GO FOR BROKE! GET ONE LAST HIGH BEFORE YOU DIVE IN! FK IT, RIGHT? ONE MORE, THEN QUIT!". But I can't let it win. I hope tapering this next 8 days will lessen the effects, but I'm starting to think that I will have to suffer regardless. I hope I can sleep through the rough parts... I have stocked up on all the OTC meds I'll need...I just hope I make it through.

Sorry, I seem to be derailing your thread. However, I feel I am posting on a winners thread. Someone who has won and is moving on with their life. Even though I have never met you, I am very proud of your accomplishment...and I hope to follow in your footsteps.

Good job, bro. Good job. I'm glad to see you make it out the other side, and I hope you don't relapse. Refer back to this thread and your own memories of detox. You CANNOT get away with taking "just one" after you have finished detoxing. You will go RIGHT BACK to day 1. It's a sh!tty reality, but that's just how this crap works.

Keep going man. Don't stop. You have made it so far...and would be stupid to do this all over again.

Later.

BarelyHere

Out of ideas....Congrats!
I can so relate to the taper, taper, taper. Then what if I just use several & get that one last high. Been there, done that. That one last high is short, brief, derails the whole thing. That addict brain you have managed to tamp down can only think about how great that "30 min." was. Then rationalize how well you've done by tapering, & deserve to feel good again. Then boom, your back.
I did all of the above. The only thing that worked was taking that last pill & not having anymore. And when the withdrawals got bad, I looked through every drawer, jacket, etc. for just one last pill to help me get through.
I was lucky, couldn't find any. It took weeks before I felt normal again. But that was years ago & the best thing I ever did.
Be strong & just do it!
Good luck.

bel14

OutofIdeas - I hope you post today. I'm thinking of you...I do pray and I'm saying one for you. I like what you said...."the day you wake up and the want isn't there"....a very powerful thing to look forward to. And "not timing your day by the clock"...another GREAT thing to look for. Hang in there.

FT

OOI says, "I know this tapering BS is just ME keeping myself "fueled up", just in smaller doses. I want this crap gone and, if you can make it, so can I. Most of the people on SR do not support my method of quitting, and have even stopped posting on my threads...but I don't really care. I'm going to sleep through the worst of it, with the help of somas and bars...and damn the consequences."

I am one of those who can no longer bring myself to post any "answers" to OOI, but I saw a ray of sunshine, if only just a TEENY ONE, here. OOI has given very good advice to other posters that to take JUST ONE oxy is to put yourself back to square one in withdrawals. It's the "damn the consequences" part that concerns me.

Now that I have poked my head up out of the hole, it will probably be whacked off with a shovel again. But, no worries, I will not be engaged again.

OutofIdeas75

It's rough sitting next to this last dose. The "TAKE ONE LAST RIDE! GO FOR BROKE" voice is SO LOUD in my head. "TODAY OR 8 DAYS FROM NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO GOBBLE ME UP ANYWAY...SO GET TO IT...LET'S FEEL GOOD".

I wish I could silence that voice. It's driving me insane. Maybe I should just DO IT and be done. Ride that feeling for a few hours...then crawl into a coma. Because, with my usage history, I don't think I'm going to feel "just 1" and will probably dose 1 by 1 8 times today...and get nothing from it but an extended day. If I swallow them all now, my day of sobriety will begin in a few hours...

What would you do?

FT

I'm going to quote SickButHappy when Going2Change was facing the same dilemma. Just flush the f--rs.

OutofIdeas75

That's not an option for an addict in my state. It's like telling someone to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

I took them a few minutes after posting. Oh well, I'm done. Now, I'm on to day 1.

FT

Thank you for making my point. By the way, the plane is on fire, dude.

Stride34

you're better off without the bars while detoxing. are they prescribed by a doctor? i doubt a doctor would prescribe benzo's to an addict. you gotta change your entire mentality if you're serious about this. we addicts hate being uncomfortable, and want instant pleasure. just accept that your going to be in pain, and do it the right way without abusing more drugs. also, going through a withdrawal normally will only give you strength in your sobriety. the more negative reminders, the better. either way, glad that you're at least trying to quit.

OutofIdeas75

I am prescribed them, actually. Also, you don't normally go to a doc for an addiction problem so that they can prescribe you your DOC...that's not actually how it works. No doctor would prescribe a self-professed "pill head" more pills.

I don't have an addiction to benzos. I can go weeks without taking a single one and it doesn't even occur to me. Also...taking 1 xanax isn't exactly "abusing" them...seeing as I am prescribed 3x that amount.

This is the type of post I have issues with. The crack head who quits crack and has a beer a month...and people focus on that one beer a month as the "real issue" and that, if he won't stop drinking 1 beer a month, he shouldn't even try to quit crack...because he's "not serious" about it...

I'm quitting my DOC. That's the point here. If I take a bar to help with the anxiety or to assist me to get to sleep...what's that hurting? It's not like I take more than my doctor prescribed recommended dosage...and I'm using it as it is supposed to be used... Why am I even explaining myself again on the benzo topic?