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Still can't get over the F***-its.

Old 02-24-2011, 10:14 AM
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Still can't get over the F***-its.

I don't know if it's a mental health problem or a personality problem, but I have relapsed too many times now because I just. stop. caring. I stop caring about sobriety and recovery. I keep going to meetings, but I stop listening and sharing. I start engaging in risky behavior such as speeding excessively, or taking excessive non-mind/mood-altering drugs such as OTC painkillers or allergy meds. I don't know what to do, because when it hits, I literally do not care whether I relapse or not. So when I have an urge, I just go for it. This has killed me so many times. I have relapsed over a dozen times this past year, which is hardly recovery at all! At times I want so bad to get better, but I inevitably stop caring and eventually use. This will kill me (literally) if I don't stop. But I don't know how, because I stop caring so much I don't even care if I live or die. How can I stay clean when I don't care at all what happens to me?!
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Old 02-24-2011, 03:48 PM
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Do you have anyone at all to speak with about it? My armchair diagnosis is- you might want to find out why you don't care, or why you do those things.
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:54 AM
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double post
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Old 02-25-2011, 08:56 AM
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sorry, it ate my post. I will post again in 5 minutes, lol.
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Old 02-25-2011, 09:02 AM
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Well, I know staying on my meds is important (I'm on Wellbutrin and Abilify, and they help a lot). I have relapsed twice after kicking my meds, thinking I don't need them. However, I have also relapsed while taking my meds, with the same "Who cares?" attitude.

I know for me, to pray daily, is important. I still can't help but run on self-will though, which has failed me time and time again. I try turning my will and my life over and all that that you hear in NA/AA (which I do attend, have a sponsor, work the steps, etc) but I never seem to be close enough to "God's will" throughout my day, and just do what I feel like doing. (I will post about this today in one of the 12-step forums. Don't want to go too in-depth with program stuff in the mental health forum).

Mentally and emotionally, I tend to be all over the place (which is normal in early recovery, I guess) but after a while, things even out, I feel better, then I fall off that pink cloud and land in a pile of sh*t. Not sure how to prevent that. It seems like I do a complete 180 overnight, and go from enthusiasm about life and recovery, to just not caring about any of that, engaging in risky behavior, etc.

I don't have a therapist. My old one took on some new patients and decided he needed to "lighten his load" and got rid of some patients he'd been seeing for a while. Tried going to a new therapist, but she told me after our first meeting that she doesn't see patients with a history of substance abuse. Whatever. I have not found a new one after that. It is hard for me to find a therapist I can work with. I have trust issues, and also have an issue with people who put words in my mouth, which a lot of therapists tend to do.

Anyway, I am working with my sponsor to help solve my problem. She is not a therapist, but she has "been there" and can relate to a lot of what I am going through. I am trying to be in touch with her and at least one other addict each day, in addition to those I talk to at meetings. Keeping myself accountable and all that, so at least people will know when I start to slip.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:57 PM
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I have to practice what I preach- and these are no easy things- however meditation and exercise can do wonders. It takes a lot of devotion and time- but it is worth it... I struggle with it myself.
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Old 02-28-2011, 01:42 AM
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Hi there. You know how you said, "I never seem to be close enough to "God's will" throughout my day, and just do what I feel like doing", well you know God's will, right? I mean, He can't want you to use. He loves you and wants you to be well and take care of yourself. So if you take steps going in that direction, like going to meetings, you can be sure that you are following His will and turning your will and life over. God bless you!
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:49 AM
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Please try again with a therapist...shop around.

Meds will not work properly when relapsing. I hope you are discussing this with your doctor.

When my meds aren't working it's danger time. I know that I need to get a change in dose of meds when this happens...and actually I'm letting my doctor know tomorrow morning that it's not working as well as it has been and I need a boost.

I have therapy later this week as well...I'd be lost without it.

When it comes to the f-its, I wait them out. I do not drink. It's not an option. If I should relapse, I would be throwing my much needed treatment for depression down the tubes.

Hope you can find the professional medical help you need. Take care.
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:27 PM
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Hello,

I think you should join some meditation classes. Hope it will be beneficial for your health..... Don't destroy your life.... Keep enjoying your healthy life with natural treatment........
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:41 PM
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Like Bamboozle said, I just wait those out. Nothing will make me see the light when I get like that- I just know from experience that the mood passes. Then when it does I'm glad I I didn't drink.
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:12 AM
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Mine last for months at a time, so they are very hard to 'wait out'-- do you think I should ask my psychiatrist about mood stabilizers? It doesn't seem to be "just a feeling I will get over" but something that prevails in my life for long stretches of time. I am not depressed during these times (I take antidepressants, and I know what depression feels like-- I feel it when I go off my meds, which I won't be doing again any time soon!) but is this something that maybe should be medicated? Do mood stabilizers work for things like that? I have been on Lithium, but it gave me horrible muscle spasms, and my kidney function was below the recommended minimum level to take lithium. I have been on anti-psychotics as well, but they didn't seem to do anything, as I am more neurotic than psychotic. I am currently on 2 antidepressants (that work quite well for me) but no other psych meds.
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:24 AM
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Taking Vitamin D has been a lifesaver for me, mood and energy wise.
And exercise, exercise, exercise.
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Old 03-03-2011, 06:25 PM
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I was just describing my problem to someone earlier today, and this is pretty much EXACTLY what I'm like. It's borderline creepy cause I just related to everything you said 100%. I made a post in the substance abuse forums about how NA just doesn't seem to be enough to fight the "****-its." NA doesn't make me relapse, but I don't think it works for me cause I always relapse. I reach an awful place using, eventually quit with help usually, rehab or halfway house or whatever. I get all into recovery at first and for a few months, I'm loving going to meetings and getting clean and making all sorts of plans for the future. Totally on a pink cloud. Then anywhere from a few weeks to almost a year later, I start to get bored, restless, my attitude becomes more negative, everything feels repetitive and uninteresting and unchallenging. Then, by the time I actually relapse, I just don't care. I go from having a craving to making a decision to use in less than a second. That's why calling my sponsor and others when that happens is futile, because once I've made up my mind, I'm gone. I REALLY need to get clean for good but I know what's gonna happen. I guess we need to figure out how to not relapse when those feelings inevitably develop after a few months of recovery. If I knew how to do that, I wouldn't be here though.
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Old 03-06-2011, 01:10 PM
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It helps me to remember that every time I got drunk it was because I picked up a glass. It was my decision and my will. Fortunately it's my will today to not drink one day at a time.

It doesn't sound like you'll go to "any lengths to get sober" at this point. Do you understand that it's only today we don't drink or take drugs? It's just today. But staying sober involves turning my will over (in my case the rooms of AA). Getting a sponsor, a meeting per day, every day talking to another alcoholic. The saying was "my best thinking got me in here".
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