Akayla

I have been on xanax for over 15 years now and take anywhere from 8-10 mgs a day, sometimes more, and mix them with alcohol on a fairly regular basis.

I have been to detox once before, but I moved to a new state shortly after and upon seeing my medical history my new doctor asked me if I wanted to continue on the xanax. The addict in me immediately said yes and took the script and I am now way worse off than I was prior to my original short and sweet detox stint. I had only been clean a couple weeks prior to relapsing.

So now I am scared. I am taking more xanax than I am prescribed and drinking more each day, and I only have until Monday (which is when I check into detox) to get to. I basically have no emotional support and am not quite sure how to get through the weekend, etc...

Does anyone have any experiences with detox, benzos/alcohol or otherwise; how you handled the days leading up to getting there and any non-relapse success stories, as that is my biggest fear.

Akayla

And one thing I forgot to mention; in trying to find a detox place, it was difficult because my drug of choice was a legally prescribed pill. The place I am going to now luckily specializes in pill addiction, but another thing that frightens me in the strangest way is I feel like I am "less" of an addict than someone on a different or more hard narcotic, or an alcoholic (which technically, I am too)-- thus not really needing help.

My family thinks I am being ridiculous going to detox again for a legal substance my doctor prescribes me, and I have noticed its been difficult to find fellow benzo users. I feel so alone in that regard, although I know here...it doesn't matter you DoC, you're still welcome and supported, but this has been a real problem for me...not being taken seriously as an addict by anyone but other addicts, especially my family.

Does anyone have an experience anything like that?

OutofIdeas75

So you're planning on not taking Xanax over the weekend and want advice on how to make it until Monday? Normally, the worst is days 3-5...so you won't be feeling too well come Friday and Saturday. When is the last time you dosed?

Akayla

No, I have to take it until I get there. Otherwise I could have a seizure. I have been popping them all day because my anxiety level is so high over going back into detox. I guess the way I see it now is no harm, no foul, I can take as much as I want until I get there Monday.

I just don't want to take TOO much and have something bad happen, but I've never felt this level of anxiety and today alone I've already far exceeded my prescribed dose.

I just last dosed about 30 minutes ago.

OutofIdeas75

I actually have a lot of friends who are benzo addicts...and a few who have kicked the habit. Those who have kicked it have been very careful to stay away from it.

Seeking treatment for an addiction isn't ridiculous. It's courageous. You're being honest and are doing the right thing. Xanax is a seriously dangerous pill to take in excess and admitting you have a problem is both embarrassing and a step in the right direction. God, I know I just sounded very cliche....sorry.

OutofIdeas75

Umm...there is harm and there is foul. Overdoing it, just because you're going to detox on Monday, is not an excuse to go over your own personal dosage limits. It sounds like you were going over your daily dose already... I'm currently taking over 10x the daily dosage of Lorcets...but if I was going to quit tomorrow, I wouldn't take 20x the daily dosage today as a "last hurrah"...because I know that would be fatal. It would suck to OD the day before checking into a detox clinic, wouldn't it?

Impurrfect

(((Akayla))) - I don't have personal experience, but my stepsister went through detox for Klonopin, which is also a benzo. They had a taper schedule for her, the last few days before she entered, but I honestly don't know if she followed it. She was a mess, her daughter (my niece, who was about 6) told me "mommy just goes to sleep on the floor, sometimes"..she was passing out.

She had to stay in detox, a bit longer than usual, because she has a severe heart condition and they had to make sure she was stable. After she got out, I talked to her and told her I really hoped she'd get to the point where she would call the pharmacies and tell her that she was addicted to the Klonopin, and, under no circumstances, ever give her another benzo.

I was shocked, the next day, when she told me she had just called them. She's done well. She sees an addictionologist, occasionally, as she also has fibro and she occasionally has to take pain meds, but she doesn't abuse them and doesn't take them unless she absolutely has to.

BTW, her husband has takes Klonopin....they're in the house, sitting on his desk, and she's had absolutely no desire to ever take any, so recovery is very possible.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Akayla

Absolutely. That would be awful. Goodness.

It's a lack of control issue, not a last hurrah, which I've noticed is pretty normal in addicts (lack of self control or personal responsibility). Xanax is no longer mind altering for me, it just calms me down. Obviously I have horrific problems with anxiety, which was the catalyst to this situation to begin with.

I KNOW what I'm doing is dangerous and stupid, but I can't stop.

Yes, I occasionally went over my dosage previously, but only under panic attack circumstances, and that's where I am now, really not even knowing why. Presumably the upcoming detox and fear of another relapse. My prescribed dosage isn't working. I think the no harm, no foul comment came off entirely too flippant on my part.

I am going to do my best to be careful these next few days and over the weekend...

OutofIdeas75

If your anxiety is higher than normal (which is understandable, given the situation), then maybe you should try to combine your use of Xanax with other techniques that enhance calm? Hot bath, long naps, reading or something like that. I know it sounds lame...I know it even as I type it. However, you and I both know that taking more than you're used to taking (which is already more than you should) is tipping the scales at best. I'm not in any position to lecture on the topic, as I take WAY more than I am supposed to... However, in your situation, you should take extra care to avoid making a bad situation worse. It's only a few days, and it only takes 1 mistake on time or dosage to replace a trip to the detox clinic with a trip to the ER.

My knowledge of the topic is far less than yours, but I do know when I am taking an unnecessary risk with my meds. I'm sure you do as well.

That's the addiction talking, not you. You're stronger than it when you put your mind to it. You could give your script to a family member, giving them instructions on specific dosage amounts you need until Monday. Alternatively, you can plan out exactly how much you need until Monday and give the rest to someone to hold. There are ways to force yourself to be in control. You just have to commit to it.


I am confident you will. You seem to be on top of this already... I think you might have just needed to say it out loud? Kind of like what I did on these forums last night.

thatfeel

Congrats on having the courage to detox. That dose of Xanax for 15 years is going to be difficult, I would be anxious too. I'm sorry to hear about your lack of support, hopefully you will find it here and in any other NA community. You aren't alone.

Getting off benzos truly SUCKS and staying off them (I hope you're not coming back from detox to a huge pile of pills... though I have a hunch you are), staying off them is truly TOUGH. I really hope no one has any recordings of my first few days off valium, or I might see myself labeled the World's Biggest A*hole very soon.

What is your "prescribed dosage?" I'm not saying you *need* to take only that, but be sure to tell the doctors exactly what you've been taking. If you're having trouble remembering, write it down. 10mg a day is getting- no, is the definition of a BIG BENZO PROBLEM. Stay strong and be careful!
much love

tbeit

And please whatever you do stay away from the booze because the mixture of alcohol and benzo's has killed many addicts including ones with big tolerences.Good Luck

Akayla

My prescribed dosage is 8 milligrams a day (or 4 "bars" as they're often known), but I've been on them or so long in increasing doses- since about 16 years old (I'm 30) that my tolerance is beyond belie, so I do take more than I'm meant to, and I do drink with them (to the post above re: drinking). I always have. I guess I've definitely been lucky in that regard.

Yes, big benzo problem. I know Well, I appreciate your post so I can warn my friends and family who are picking me up I may not be in a swell mood for a bit...

Akayla

Also, I am simply going to a 21 day medical detox only because of the dangers of detoxing from xanx; it was all I could afford- does anyone have any experiences getting out of detox and NOT needing outpatient therapy, AA/NA, etc? I am still trying to figure out why I failed and relapsed the first time and I think it might be that- I never had any follow up care after the detox part to address the psychology of the addiction. Again, being young and naive at the time, I didn't think I needed it. It's been a few years and I'd be interested to hear experiences about how that portion- what comes after detox addressing the addiction- affects long term recovery.

CheekyAngel

Hi,
i wish you well with the detox. As ive said to someone ealier on - be strong, stay strong and you will have strength.

but what i was really wondering - im not physically addicted to xanex but i take them 2/4 times weekly. I suffer extreme social anxiety and take them when things have to be done. Am i on a path to dependancy?? Or am i already on that route and taking the turn for addiction??

Sorry i have no advice for you...
Take Care

...CheekyAngel...

SereniTee

Ahhhhhh Benzos, a hug in a pill. I came off my valium 9 months ago, life got worse and worse for about 3 months and now just keeps getting better. You just have to ride the first bit. I understand why so many people relapse. Being in my own head for the 1st time since I was 15 was awful at times. Now I am starting to have a really good relationship with my myself You can do it!

tbeit

Just because you always have does not mean it is safe to continue.It would be a real shame if you died 3 days before detox.I have an excellent idea why dont you just go today and then you wont have to worry about all the pills you will have to take this weekend and you would be safe.

kiki5711

By the time I ended up in detox I was drinking from 7am then taking my Lorazepen for higher effect, then drink some more then, take sleeping pills at night when alcohol wore off and I couldn't stop my thougts from racing and anxiety was out the roof. So, I was in deep doo doo with both. Alcohol and prescription meds.

I had a blast at rehab. I loved it. It was the best 1 week vacation I had in the last 10 yrs.

I have my detox experience in my blog if you're interesting in reading it.

Akayla

Hi love,

You may be. My advice is to stop now if you can. It is SO ADDICTIVE, especially physically- but eventually, mentally as well.. I started at 0.5 mgs a day at 16 years old. I am now 30 and up to 8-10 mg's a day that barely work anymore and I can't even make it from my bed to the shower without popping a xanax bar.

There are other non-narcotic treatments for social anxiety and of course counseling will help greatly with that as well. Clearly I'm no doctor but I would encourage you to speak with your physician who is prescribing you xanax and as for a non-narcotic, non-addictve alternative. One day you're just an "as needed" user and then you wake up the next morning a full fledged addict. It sneaks up on you.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement. Much appreciated.

~A

Akayla

I am actually following earlier advice given to me in this thread and give the pills to my mom and let her dispense my exact doasge at the appropriate times.

Unfortunately, I have a very corporate job and have to work through Sat due to a deadline--and this has been being planned for weeks now with HR, Short Term Disability and FMLA (FL medical leave), so it's all been orchestrated very carefully.

Not to mention, I had to wait for a bed to become available in my facility of choice.

Again, my mom is now handling my meds, and I will be checking in here often for support until I leave Monday.

Impurrfect

(((Akayla))) - I think you need support, of some kind, when you get out. Quitting the drugs isn't really the hard part, though it may seem that way. It's living life and not reaching for them again when things get bad that IS the hard part.

Whether you go to meetings, counseling, spend a lot of time on SR (like me), I wouldn't have my recovery if I didn't have someone to talk to when things got rough, at first. Drugs are no longer an option, for me, and though I don't think about using, I still get that "I wish I could get numb" feeling and having someone to talk to, who "gets" me gets me past that.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy