I'm letting my daughter drive me crazy
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I'm letting my daughter drive me crazy
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I don't know what else to do. My 18 year old daughter is acting belligerent and making rash choices and I don't know how much of it is being a teenager and how much is her medications and how much of it might be a disorder.
In any respect, she is so angry and spiteful for what I consider ridiculous reasons.
But I don't know how to respond depending on where her behaviors are coming from...or is that a wrong way to think about it?
I don't know what else to do. My 18 year old daughter is acting belligerent and making rash choices and I don't know how much of it is being a teenager and how much is her medications and how much of it might be a disorder.
In any respect, she is so angry and spiteful for what I consider ridiculous reasons.
But I don't know how to respond depending on where her behaviors are coming from...or is that a wrong way to think about it?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Your story was mine about 3 years ago. I was going crazy with my daughter, too. She was 18, didn't really have any friends and never did anything with other people. I was a single mom with no other kids at home, so I took the brunt of her bad moods, which were numerous. I never knew what was just normal teenage angst and what might signify a medical/psychological problem. She always has had social anxiety, she went through an eating disorder phase, a cutting phase, and an attempted suicide phase (5 times in one year). During all this, she was on SSI and medicaid because she couldn't work, was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, was on about 7 different medications, about half of which were to offset the side-effects of the others. It was total chaos and I felt like I was the one who would end up in the loony bin!
What is your daughter taking medication for? I know that when my daughter was on a bunch of meds for this and that, I often questioned if they were helping or hurting, but once you get into the "system," it's all just a big merry-go-round of try this, add that, take away this and replace it with that, etc., etc., and neither of us was getting any better.
After the last suicide attempt, I told her I just couldn't take it anymore. She was almost 20 years old by then, and I said that when she got out of the psych ward, she was going to have to find another place to live. Her dad and I have been divorced since she was an infant, and while she didn't like him at all, I called him and explained what was going on and he agreed to take her to live with him and his wife in a little po-dunk town about 2 hours away. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. She cried, begged, pleaded for me not to make her go. I cried too. I hated sending her away but we had to get away from each other. She hated every minute of living with her dad, but it gave her the incentive to straighten herself out. She stopped all the meds (I do not condone the way she did it, just all of a sudden), forced herself to get a job at Wal-Mart and started turning her life around. After several months, I let her come back home, well, that's another story in itself, but she has been doing very well every since. She got her driver's license, works and is going to the county college. She is 21 now and still has some social anxiety, but forces herself to get out there and be a regular member of society.
I am in no way suggesting you make your daughter leave your home. My daughter's case was quite extreme and had it not been for the multiple suicide attempts, who knows if I would have ever reached the end of my rope. The thing is, a lot of what my daughter was going through actually was normal teenage angst, just to a multiplied degree. She did not want to grow up. She was terrified of having to get out into society and face people and be responsible for herself. All those meds didn't help and once she got off of them, combined with her hatred of having to live at her dad's, made her determined to face the fact that she didn't have any choice. She had to grow up. It's been about a year and a half now since she's been back home and she has met someone and they are planning to get married in about a year.
I really did not intend to make this a story about me and my daughter, but when I read your post, I so identified with what you are saying that the words just came flooding out. Hopefully, something I've said will help you with your situation. I do wish you all the luck in the world. It is a terrible position to be in, but it can get better.
What is your daughter taking medication for? I know that when my daughter was on a bunch of meds for this and that, I often questioned if they were helping or hurting, but once you get into the "system," it's all just a big merry-go-round of try this, add that, take away this and replace it with that, etc., etc., and neither of us was getting any better.
After the last suicide attempt, I told her I just couldn't take it anymore. She was almost 20 years old by then, and I said that when she got out of the psych ward, she was going to have to find another place to live. Her dad and I have been divorced since she was an infant, and while she didn't like him at all, I called him and explained what was going on and he agreed to take her to live with him and his wife in a little po-dunk town about 2 hours away. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. She cried, begged, pleaded for me not to make her go. I cried too. I hated sending her away but we had to get away from each other. She hated every minute of living with her dad, but it gave her the incentive to straighten herself out. She stopped all the meds (I do not condone the way she did it, just all of a sudden), forced herself to get a job at Wal-Mart and started turning her life around. After several months, I let her come back home, well, that's another story in itself, but she has been doing very well every since. She got her driver's license, works and is going to the county college. She is 21 now and still has some social anxiety, but forces herself to get out there and be a regular member of society.
I am in no way suggesting you make your daughter leave your home. My daughter's case was quite extreme and had it not been for the multiple suicide attempts, who knows if I would have ever reached the end of my rope. The thing is, a lot of what my daughter was going through actually was normal teenage angst, just to a multiplied degree. She did not want to grow up. She was terrified of having to get out into society and face people and be responsible for herself. All those meds didn't help and once she got off of them, combined with her hatred of having to live at her dad's, made her determined to face the fact that she didn't have any choice. She had to grow up. It's been about a year and a half now since she's been back home and she has met someone and they are planning to get married in about a year.
I really did not intend to make this a story about me and my daughter, but when I read your post, I so identified with what you are saying that the words just came flooding out. Hopefully, something I've said will help you with your situation. I do wish you all the luck in the world. It is a terrible position to be in, but it can get better.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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Hi Muunray,
I am right there with you. My daughter is 17 and driving me crazy. The ups and downs in attitude and she actually threw what I would call a tantrum today. I have walked away from her all day stating I am not going to speak to her because I know where it will go. I am sitting here tonight thinking of anything/something to make it through the next 4 or so months till she goes to college. I will tell you I do have her seeing a therapist weekly and it has helped a little. I will be sending out prayers for you.
I am right there with you. My daughter is 17 and driving me crazy. The ups and downs in attitude and she actually threw what I would call a tantrum today. I have walked away from her all day stating I am not going to speak to her because I know where it will go. I am sitting here tonight thinking of anything/something to make it through the next 4 or so months till she goes to college. I will tell you I do have her seeing a therapist weekly and it has helped a little. I will be sending out prayers for you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Originally Posted by sleepie 
Personally, I have never seen a child act out that was not suffering from something based in their home and family life.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Nobody is perfect- however when a person has a child, that child is their responsibility. And kindness is something that is free and very effective. I know many who grew up with parents who did not love them, but put on the face, so to speak- in front of others. And children are at the mercy of their parents. Whatever the parents say is what is believed- children are often brainwashed to believe they are the problem when more often than not the parents are the root cause. It's the classic case of the victim being blamed. It happens over and over- just watch the news. Rarely is a child simply bad for no reason- that would be a sociopath and that is maybe 1 percent of the population. However, that one percent can also be parents.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
My youngest (almost 19 now) drove me mad too. And she had a very good childhood. She has been diagnosed with depression but refuses to get any help with it - therapy, meds, nothing. It makes her impossible to live with so she's living somewhere else as I've told her she can't come back home. We are just too toxic for each other and it's best for us both to be separated. I still do things for her but do not tolerate her crap anymore and don't bail her out if she gets herself in a jam thru her own carelessness or irresponsibility.
I have been in counseling (an addiction specialist) for over three years and it's been a huge help in coping with her behavior and attitude. A safe place for you to vent and get suggestions on how to deal with your daughter might be a good idea.
May I ask why she's not living on her own? Or is she still in school?
I have been in counseling (an addiction specialist) for over three years and it's been a huge help in coping with her behavior and attitude. A safe place for you to vent and get suggestions on how to deal with your daughter might be a good idea.
May I ask why she's not living on her own? Or is she still in school?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Thank you all for your responses. Hadn't thought too much about finding help for me with coping. My daughter has been seeing psychiatrists for almost 2 years I think, and additionally for the last year a psychologist and social worker. Thing is she won't follow recommendations they give her, like group therapies for panic disorder, etc...
The psychiatrist she liked gave her basically anything she wanted..she was so doped up her grades were dropping, she mumbled when she talked, etc. She said her anxiety was best controlled then. I told her her psychiatrist was a drug pusher and when she was zombified of course she was anxiety free- she was free of every emotion!
Anyways, our insurance changed so psychiatrist got changed without me having to force it...and she doesn't like her as she has dropped her medications down. I of course can sympathize with the anxiety and depression as I experience the same, but if a person doesn't participate in the whole program (like certain counseling) that is suggested I have a hard time totally supporting their choices. She just wants to take pills and call it good. She wants to go back to her old psychiatrist "who gives her what she needs". I told her I disagreed and wouldn't do anything to help her with that.
What this last blow up was about was she was furious because I wouldn't go take her to get her lip re-pierced after school one day because I had to pick up the other kids from their schools. (She had removed one of the studs previous week because she didn't like the way it looked, and then was adamant it had to be redone immediately when she decided she wanted it back.) She grabbed her bags and walked 3 miles in freezing rain to her boyfriend's house, the whole time texting obscenities and rudeness to me.
Then magically a couple of hours later she texted me saying she had re-pierced her lip herself, and explained her behaviors as "she has too much stress right now, but didn't want to talk about it.".
Have another appointment with her pediatric psychiatrist tomorrow, and start her "adult" psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.
Yes she's still in high school, and I'm hoping college next fall.
So I am trying to provide the professionals needed for her. And regarding our household, I understand some of it's faults, etc., and yes it has to be taken into consideration.
In any respect, again I thank you for your responses, it helped me to keep motivated and not feel like I'm stuck in quicksand.
The psychiatrist she liked gave her basically anything she wanted..she was so doped up her grades were dropping, she mumbled when she talked, etc. She said her anxiety was best controlled then. I told her her psychiatrist was a drug pusher and when she was zombified of course she was anxiety free- she was free of every emotion!
Anyways, our insurance changed so psychiatrist got changed without me having to force it...and she doesn't like her as she has dropped her medications down. I of course can sympathize with the anxiety and depression as I experience the same, but if a person doesn't participate in the whole program (like certain counseling) that is suggested I have a hard time totally supporting their choices. She just wants to take pills and call it good. She wants to go back to her old psychiatrist "who gives her what she needs". I told her I disagreed and wouldn't do anything to help her with that.
What this last blow up was about was she was furious because I wouldn't go take her to get her lip re-pierced after school one day because I had to pick up the other kids from their schools. (She had removed one of the studs previous week because she didn't like the way it looked, and then was adamant it had to be redone immediately when she decided she wanted it back.) She grabbed her bags and walked 3 miles in freezing rain to her boyfriend's house, the whole time texting obscenities and rudeness to me.
Then magically a couple of hours later she texted me saying she had re-pierced her lip herself, and explained her behaviors as "she has too much stress right now, but didn't want to talk about it.".
Have another appointment with her pediatric psychiatrist tomorrow, and start her "adult" psychiatrist in a couple of weeks.
Yes she's still in high school, and I'm hoping college next fall.
So I am trying to provide the professionals needed for her. And regarding our household, I understand some of it's faults, etc., and yes it has to be taken into consideration.
In any respect, again I thank you for your responses, it helped me to keep motivated and not feel like I'm stuck in quicksand.
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