my god i want to relasp
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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my god i want to relasp
i've held out. i don't know where this craving has come some but i have one thing and one thing only on my mind right now. i want some crack. i got 200 dollars, I know i have money coming this week, i feel like this is free money to blow. it's like the craving has been just on the sidelines doing bench presses or something and came back stronger.
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What's your support structure like, Trappeshot?
Doing anything besides SR?
It might be a good time to start....
the best relapses are the ones you can see coming, cos you can stop them happening
Go back and read your first posts - there's no answers in doing crack, Trappe.
D
Doing anything besides SR?
It might be a good time to start....
the best relapses are the ones you can see coming, cos you can stop them happening
Go back and read your first posts - there's no answers in doing crack, Trappe.
D
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Posts: 151
not really to be honest. I have my issues with AA, when I go I seem to get policitiezed out because I'm not a "normal addict". at least my dealings with AA seem to be less then favorable, that's for another post. I'm going at this alone and i have been doing pretty good, but I don't know where this came from.
I do have some "safety measures" in place. I know me lol, I don't keep much cash.. i am good with anything under 50 dollars on hand. I also put my money in my savings account with no debit card, so if I can make it another hour I will be good to go at least utnil tomorrow becuase the bank will be closed.
What has kept me clean so far is three things 1. realizing I can't be the person I want to be on drugs, at least on crack 2. realizing how much money I am losing on drugs.. the actual money I spend, pales in comparison to the money I just lose, by blowing sales appointments, and time.. last time I used I was out of my normal routine for 3 days I went down swinging lol. About a grand lost between the money and the sales. I'm functional, but it's keeping me from being the person I want to be and doing the things I want to do. I know this, yet, right now, i just want to smoke. I know if I smoke, I will blow off everything today and probably tomorrow. I know I will lose money. I know I will hate myself.
I do have some "safety measures" in place. I know me lol, I don't keep much cash.. i am good with anything under 50 dollars on hand. I also put my money in my savings account with no debit card, so if I can make it another hour I will be good to go at least utnil tomorrow becuase the bank will be closed.
What has kept me clean so far is three things 1. realizing I can't be the person I want to be on drugs, at least on crack 2. realizing how much money I am losing on drugs.. the actual money I spend, pales in comparison to the money I just lose, by blowing sales appointments, and time.. last time I used I was out of my normal routine for 3 days I went down swinging lol. About a grand lost between the money and the sales. I'm functional, but it's keeping me from being the person I want to be and doing the things I want to do. I know this, yet, right now, i just want to smoke. I know if I smoke, I will blow off everything today and probably tomorrow. I know I will lose money. I know I will hate myself.
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Location: Los Angeles, California
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Good job on tucking your money away where you can't get to it so fast. You might look into some other plans for recovery. It's helped me to have something to hang on to in the bad times. I'm glad you're reaching out.
Love,
Lenina
Love,
Lenina
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trappeshot))) - good for coming here! The cravings/urges will pass...btdt. In my early days of crack recovery, I did whatever I could to distract myself (in a healthy way)...sometimes I read/posted here, worked more if I could, etc. The one thing that really helped is remembering how miserable I was during my relapse, and all the feelings that came AFTER the high...totally disgusted with myself, shame, remorse, etc.
There's nothing good about crack..once you start, you just want more, more, more. Don't get to where I had to go....losing a career, homeless, etc. It may not come right away, but there's a good possibility it WILL come if you start back smoking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
There's nothing good about crack..once you start, you just want more, more, more. Don't get to where I had to go....losing a career, homeless, etc. It may not come right away, but there's a good possibility it WILL come if you start back smoking.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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well i made it today, I live in conway now and my bank is a 40 minute drive so I couldn't get there in time if i wanted to. but the craving seems to have subsided anyway. for about 1 hour that's all i could think about
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I made it today too. actually had an excellent day yesterday , glad I did not use.
What are some non AA ways I can get more involved in recovery I might ask? AA just is not going to work for a multitude of reasons. I did not like the person I had become last time I was in AA, nor did I particularly care for the people around me.
What are some non AA ways I can get more involved in recovery I might ask? AA just is not going to work for a multitude of reasons. I did not like the person I had become last time I was in AA, nor did I particularly care for the people around me.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Surround yourself with people who know you are in recovery and are very, very interested in keeping you sober. People who will notice if you are falling, extend themselves to you personally to hold you up.
NA does that for some, not for me. I am not into the 12 step groups, even though I know that they are the best place in the world for some of us.
The other piece for me is to run fast and hard towards new behaviors. Go back to school, pick up an interest you have wanted to do but haven't. Too much time on your hands is "the devil's playground" according to my grandmother.
And post here, talk to these folks. I don't post on this thread much, but here's my two cents.
NA does that for some, not for me. I am not into the 12 step groups, even though I know that they are the best place in the world for some of us.
The other piece for me is to run fast and hard towards new behaviors. Go back to school, pick up an interest you have wanted to do but haven't. Too much time on your hands is "the devil's playground" according to my grandmother.
And post here, talk to these folks. I don't post on this thread much, but here's my two cents.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Trappeshot))) - though I did go to AA meetings (even though I was, at the time, abusing opiates), I ended up hooking up with a member who introduced me to crack. I don't blame him, I'm the one who put the pipe to my mouth.
I still use a lot of what I learned there, but when I began recovery from the crack, I depended on SR, a lot. I also have some f2f people who are very supportive of me, and I've made a lot of friends on here, who I e-mail on a regular basis.
You just found out that you can get through the cravings/urges and how much better you feel, later that you didn't use. My recovery program is a little of this, some of that, things I've found that work for me. It was by reading what other people have done that helped me figure it out.
There's no "one way" to recovery, and several of us don't go to meetings, but we find what works for us. I think, as long as you want recovery, more than anything in your life, you will find a way. It has to be that way...without recovery, the willingness to do what it takes to remain clean, we don't really have a life.
You did really good by coming here and posting. When the world seems to be coming down around my shoulders, this is where I come. I e-mail my recovery friends, I call my f2f people and talk, and it helps...a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I still use a lot of what I learned there, but when I began recovery from the crack, I depended on SR, a lot. I also have some f2f people who are very supportive of me, and I've made a lot of friends on here, who I e-mail on a regular basis.
You just found out that you can get through the cravings/urges and how much better you feel, later that you didn't use. My recovery program is a little of this, some of that, things I've found that work for me. It was by reading what other people have done that helped me figure it out.
There's no "one way" to recovery, and several of us don't go to meetings, but we find what works for us. I think, as long as you want recovery, more than anything in your life, you will find a way. It has to be that way...without recovery, the willingness to do what it takes to remain clean, we don't really have a life.
You did really good by coming here and posting. When the world seems to be coming down around my shoulders, this is where I come. I e-mail my recovery friends, I call my f2f people and talk, and it helps...a lot.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
You're torturing yourself by not going to meetings and getting some outside support. The cravings are so much easier to handle if you can get to a meeting and talk about them. Everyone tries to do it on their own first. IT ONLY WORKS FOR SO LONG. I have my problems with AA too, but you know what I take what I need and I leave the rest.
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Originally Posted by Baschoen 
You're torturing yourself by not going to meetings and getting some outside support. The cravings are so much easier to handle if you can get to a meeting and talk about them. Everyone tries to do it on their own first. IT ONLY WORKS FOR SO LONG. I have my problems with AA too, but you know what I take what I need and I leave the rest.
Then, becuase i"m not broke and I am somewhat articulate, the whole time im' there people keep telling me that "you haven't hit bottom yet" and I have to defend myself the entire time, yet i come to meetings everyday. Also I'm an atheist, and while I have gotten over the whole god concept issue, it's an issue still.
AA is just not for me. the last time i left AA honestly i was in a worse mental state then I was when I was using, I cried all the damn time and was too whiny and stopped learning how to deal with issues myself. I don't want to become that person again.
page 95 of the big book says that AA has no monopoly on recovery, I wish that it's members, would acknowledge that and leave me the hell alone.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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trappeshot I can totally relate to cravings. And when it comes to cravings a craving is a craving. I'm just a little over 30 days and I get them all the time and they're overwhelming to boot!
I can tell from your last post that you're feeling a little suffocated with all the AA stuff. That's how I used to feel when my xh mom would shove religion down my throat.
Although I do benefit from AA not everyone does. I really don't feel like AA is the endall or doall for every situation.
As long as you work toward your sobriety and have success and what you're doing works for you like Nikey says "Just Do It!" B)
I can tell from your last post that you're feeling a little suffocated with all the AA stuff. That's how I used to feel when my xh mom would shove religion down my throat.
Although I do benefit from AA not everyone does. I really don't feel like AA is the endall or doall for every situation.
As long as you work toward your sobriety and have success and what you're doing works for you like Nikey says "Just Do It!" B)
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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Na
Hi trappeshot:
I was FORCED to go to NA meetings years ago, and had to go to something like 3 a week. I made the best of it and made sure I made a lot of my own, albeit sarcastic, NOISE. I tolerated it by arguing my own point of view, and found the stories of SOME of the others really inspiring. My favorite friend there turned out to be a transvestite, or cross dresser, and I don't know the lingo, but this dude was WONDERFUL. He ran the meetings in that particular NA group, and he made it really fun.
What I DIDN'T like were some of the other people who were forced to go there and I could tell were high, and some even admitted it to the group, but made the group an opportunity to "hook up." I found that rather upsetting, and the NA folks tried to curtail it, but it happened anyway.
I left the experience "taking what I needed and leaving the rest," or whatever the saying is. I do think I would go back to NA if I didn't have really STRONG support from my husband and sons to stay clean. If nothing else, there were people there who WANTED to be there and who had stories I could relate to.
"My" meetings were also held in a really ratty place that I was afraid to drive to at night, so that was another issue.
Finally, I am CLEARLY not religious, and I took that piece with a grain of salt. I am FAR more spiritual than some of my Christian friends who would like to see me convert, so I play with their belief systems in a good humored way, knowing full well that it is NOT I who knows all the answers.
And then, there is this forum. We don't need to know each other's names to reach out and give back some what does work for us, and asking for help when we need to hear from our new friends here.
I was FORCED to go to NA meetings years ago, and had to go to something like 3 a week. I made the best of it and made sure I made a lot of my own, albeit sarcastic, NOISE. I tolerated it by arguing my own point of view, and found the stories of SOME of the others really inspiring. My favorite friend there turned out to be a transvestite, or cross dresser, and I don't know the lingo, but this dude was WONDERFUL. He ran the meetings in that particular NA group, and he made it really fun.
What I DIDN'T like were some of the other people who were forced to go there and I could tell were high, and some even admitted it to the group, but made the group an opportunity to "hook up." I found that rather upsetting, and the NA folks tried to curtail it, but it happened anyway.
I left the experience "taking what I needed and leaving the rest," or whatever the saying is. I do think I would go back to NA if I didn't have really STRONG support from my husband and sons to stay clean. If nothing else, there were people there who WANTED to be there and who had stories I could relate to.
"My" meetings were also held in a really ratty place that I was afraid to drive to at night, so that was another issue.
Finally, I am CLEARLY not religious, and I took that piece with a grain of salt. I am FAR more spiritual than some of my Christian friends who would like to see me convert, so I play with their belief systems in a good humored way, knowing full well that it is NOT I who knows all the answers.
And then, there is this forum. We don't need to know each other's names to reach out and give back some what does work for us, and asking for help when we need to hear from our new friends here.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I go to NA so think about trying that as you can speak about your Drug of Choice. DOC.
I know so many people that could use 200 dollars to feed themselves or get gas in the car to get to work or get dental help or take their child to the doctor. Save that money or give it to someone in serious need if the money is driving you crazy.
I know for myself I had to fight each craving urge to use with everything I had every tool in the box and just like all cravings they subside and each episode of a craving gets less frequent and less severe unless the craving is "fed" with the drug. The brain is trying to get what it thinks it needs and it takes time to rewire it to be normal. I know also for myself if I pick up again I start it all back right up and it gets out of hand very very quickly this disease doesn't just lie dormant it will start right back up where we left it. Congrats on fighting this. You're doing great.
I know so many people that could use 200 dollars to feed themselves or get gas in the car to get to work or get dental help or take their child to the doctor. Save that money or give it to someone in serious need if the money is driving you crazy.
I know for myself I had to fight each craving urge to use with everything I had every tool in the box and just like all cravings they subside and each episode of a craving gets less frequent and less severe unless the craving is "fed" with the drug. The brain is trying to get what it thinks it needs and it takes time to rewire it to be normal. I know also for myself if I pick up again I start it all back right up and it gets out of hand very very quickly this disease doesn't just lie dormant it will start right back up where we left it. Congrats on fighting this. You're doing great.
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Originally Posted by meditation
I go to NA so think about trying that as you can speak about your Drug of Choice. DOC.
I know so many people that could use 200 dollars to feed themselves or get gas in the car to get to work or get dental help or take their child to the doctor. Save that money or give it to someone in serious need if the money is driving you crazy.
I know for myself I had to fight each craving urge to use with everything I had every tool in the box and just like all cravings they subside and each episode of a craving gets less frequent and less severe unless the craving is "fed" with the drug. The brain is trying to get what it thinks it needs and it takes time to rewire it to be normal. I know also for myself if I pick up again I start it all back right up and it gets out of hand very very quickly this disease doesn't just lie dormant it will start right back up where we left it. Congrats on fighting this. You're doing great.
I know so many people that could use 200 dollars to feed themselves or get gas in the car to get to work or get dental help or take their child to the doctor. Save that money or give it to someone in serious need if the money is driving you crazy.
I know for myself I had to fight each craving urge to use with everything I had every tool in the box and just like all cravings they subside and each episode of a craving gets less frequent and less severe unless the craving is "fed" with the drug. The brain is trying to get what it thinks it needs and it takes time to rewire it to be normal. I know also for myself if I pick up again I start it all back right up and it gets out of hand very very quickly this disease doesn't just lie dormant it will start right back up where we left it. Congrats on fighting this. You're doing great.
I have really quirky triggers. Even though I have over 3 months now, it's like I am starting over becuase I just moved out. When I was living with my mom, I knew I would not use. Knew it. i could ride around with thousands in my pocket and the thought was never serious. But the second I moved out BAM. I can't explain it. This is why I don't think chem free is a real option for me either. Sooner or later I have to go through what I am going through right now and just deal with it.
i did not half ass the AA thing I went quit hard at it. 2 sometimes 3 or 4 meetings a day, I never NOT went to a meeting. I did not like the person I had become, nor did I particularly care for some of the people there. I'd lie if I said I did not hook up with a woman from AA but that was not the reason I went there, it just happened. Had like a 55 page 4th step that my sponsor did not read. I just can't do AA. it's not for me, and I dont' particular want what they have.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Originally Posted by trappeshot
Perfect example, I have another 170 sitting in money gram right now that I will go pick up later. My mind is telling me.. or trying to trick me to saying man, just go have some fun. And me not handling money is not an option because I have to use some of it to pay people. Money itself is not a trigger, just thinking however, man.. you can go ahead and spend this and it really won't hurt you. That's the thought that gets me everytime.
Do you think it's also tricking you into thinking that if you do use it will be "fun" or "really not hurt you?"
There must be a reason you stopped. Was is really fun? What effect did it have on your life? For me the fun of it had been gone for years and I'm trying really hard right now to deal with the consequences of what it did to my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I don't know how old you are, but you remind me a lot of my sons, both of whom went through their own private hell in their 20's and early 30's that had to do with getting off of drugs. I don't know how cool your mom is, but you don't use around her and I wonder if she is someone you can open up to about what's happening to you. You sound like you desperately need someone who will understand. I don't know crack, but I know what it does to the human body and the psyche, and if my compatriots here on this forum call oxycodone the devil's poop, then I can only imagine crack is the devil's acid diarrhea.
Forgive my frankness, and crudeness as the case may be, but somethin's gotta give here, and I can hear quite a bit of pain behind your words. One of my sons once described his "f--k off" attitude as "pissed-off-sterone", and I kind of got it. I'm probably a die hard feminist, but I think it is some male thing, I don't know. Whatever it is, you have a lot of it in you and you need to find some peer support to help you get through this s--t.
I agree you may be doing great, but I also agree that NA just pisses you off, and I can't say I'm not of a like mind in a lot of ways. But in my old age, I'm mellowed out a bit and don't have to take anybody's proselytizing too seriously. Sometimes people who have found "the way" can't stand it until they tell EVERYBODY ELSE "the way" it is to be done.
I wish you could talk to your mom. I spent years not knowing what my kids were doing, and they're in the 30's now and I look back on some lost years where I could have helped them more than I did. Your mom may actually be someone who would understand.
Forgive my frankness, and crudeness as the case may be, but somethin's gotta give here, and I can hear quite a bit of pain behind your words. One of my sons once described his "f--k off" attitude as "pissed-off-sterone", and I kind of got it. I'm probably a die hard feminist, but I think it is some male thing, I don't know. Whatever it is, you have a lot of it in you and you need to find some peer support to help you get through this s--t.
I agree you may be doing great, but I also agree that NA just pisses you off, and I can't say I'm not of a like mind in a lot of ways. But in my old age, I'm mellowed out a bit and don't have to take anybody's proselytizing too seriously. Sometimes people who have found "the way" can't stand it until they tell EVERYBODY ELSE "the way" it is to be done.
I wish you could talk to your mom. I spent years not knowing what my kids were doing, and they're in the 30's now and I look back on some lost years where I could have helped them more than I did. Your mom may actually be someone who would understand.
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NA just pisses you off
Like I said before, I really encourage you to find support Trappe - whatever form that takes is up to you - but there's about a million links of things to look into and try here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-links.html
D
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