Baschoen

So I needed to share this story, but I didn't know the best place to do it. Can't tell my parents, can't tell my friends so I figured this would be a good anonymous place to post.

So yesterday I almost relapsed. I'm on a lot of medications so I have a lot of trouble regulating how I'm feeling. I get a lot of stomach aches (could be anxiety) and I just generally don't feel well most of the time. That's along with a generalized anxiety disorder and sometimes depression. So yesterday I wasn't feeling too well and was doing the stinkin' thinkin' as they like to call it in the rooms... I let it get to far and ended up asking some kid I didn't even know if he knew where I could get some vicodins. So he tells me yeah and we set up a deal. I meet him and give him the money hes gonna meet the guy and come back. So he calls me and tells me hes on his way back to the car. I wait 10 minutes and then begin to panic. I call him over and over and it either goes to voicemail or rings once and then goes to voicemail. So I immediately assume that he stole from me... Well when I finally accept this and start to drive home pissed off as all hell I get a call from his wife saying that he got arrested. I start to FREAK I've never gotten in trouble with the law YET and I figure this kid doesn't even know me hes gonna rat me out I'm gonna get in trouble etc... The wife says theyll call me when they know whats goin on. (married at 20). So I have a therapist appointment and the whole time im there im in a complete state of panic... didn't say a word about any of it to him. Long story short that ends and I call the wife. Turns out he got in trouble for having a pipe and ditched the pills. As bad as i feel saying this I couldn't have been happier, besides the fact I was now out ALOT of money.

I feel like this should have made me not want to use and be done with all this. That this should be my bottom. I just finished rehab and I did an awesome job. I just can't help it sometimes my cravings get so strong and I just want to feel better. I'm not using the tools of the toolbox. I wish I could use this experience as a jumpstart to get back on track but I still find myself wanting those pills. I want him to go back and look in the bushes... I havent said this to him but I can't help but feeling frustrated about the money. Even though buying the drugs is the same thing as throwing the money down the drain basically.... ugh I dunno I need to go to more meetings. I'm just having trouble being happy being sober. I always feel like **** and painkillers make me feel better.... I hate it but its true.

Sorry for the rant I just need some support.

glitter

Wow. I had a really hard time with step 2 (We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity). I mean a REALLY hard time. It got easier as I opened my mind and paid attention to the things happening around me that I had no control over. For me, these are both big and small things that happen on almost a daily basis. If this happened to me (my "friend" getting busted on their way to get me pills) it would be another way that my still indescribable higher power was at work.

The obsession to use is gone for me now at almost 8 months. But every once in a while I remember the good feelings of popping a pill (or drinking) and it makes me want to do it just once more. I know I can't and I don't want to go there and I while I acknowledge the feeling, I also tell myself that this feeling will not last. It will go away in a little while. That I will be okay without using.

Don't know where I'm going with this message except to say that the urge to use will pass. You don't have to take anything for it to pass. Eventually that obsession goes away.

Hang in there. It gets SO much better with time.

Baschoen

That's the way I want to be thinking.... I want to be like my higher power is working to help me stay sober, but the way I look at it is damn I wish this kid could find the pills so I could get my money's worth...

Marcus

It sounds like you were lucky this time! Actually my first thought was the whole story of him getting busted and throwing pills out the window sounds a bit fishy and maybe you just got ripped off and they made that story up, but that is neither here nor there. I got ripped off more times than I care to remember.

I like what Glitter said. Look at it as a sign. You dodged a bullet. You didn't use and you can use this to strengthen your recovery. Realize that you have to be vigilant. Try to find other ways to strengthen your recovery. Until you learn how to live and enjoy life sober it will continue to be a stuggle.

Thanks for sharing!

picablue

You really dodged a bullet there. If you had gotten those pills things would be much worse. You need to tell someone in your support network, not just some online friends, TELL your therapist. Don't start having a secret life again.

The longer you stay off the more you will find ways to feel good and be happy without the pills.

I know that line sounds like BS when you just want pills, but it IS true.


What started all of this? You said you didn't feel well? Was it that all that got you on the track towards taking drugs?

Dee74

I think you're right Baschoen.

My drug was alcohol but I identify with feeling crappy in sobriety...it was a long while before I didn't feel crappy to be honest...

and all that time I was feeling crappy I felt uncomfortable as hell because for 20 yeas everytime I felt crappy I drank it away or got high...

Support got me through - that and a sincere desire not to go back...I know you have that too.

Reach out - open that toolbox man

D

larrylive

Some people just can't take a hint.

Baschoen

I'm 22 and really struggling with recovery. Sometimes I go to meetings and hear people say how happy they are in recovery and I get a lot out of the meeting. Sometimes I look around at all the people who say they are divorced and barely getting by I get scared. I don't want my life to be like that. I do way too much future tripping. I'm terrible at the living one day at a time thing. I'm working on it but right now I'm bad at it.

To answer your question picablue I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues. Sometimes I have trouble eating and drinking water. I think that has a lot to do with why I don't feel well all the time. I am also still on a LOT of meds. I'm always tired, I can't concentrate for more than a couple minutes, and I generally feel crappy. I have stomach aches every morning when I wake up, sometimes I really feel sick sometimes I don't. Sometimes they continue throughout the day sometimes they don't. It makes me extremely frustrated and the only time I feel somewhat ok is when I take a few vicodin or something of the such. I hate that I'm still in this mindset. I know thats no way to live my life. I can't use drugs to alter my mood and to help me feel "better". I can't get rid of the obsession. I go to meetings every day and I'm working with a sponsor, but I have a hard time not wanting to use and killing the cravings. Some people say they go into rehab because they were sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Well I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. But I still feel sick and tired.

I need to stop trying to rush everything and just let the program wash over me. I just have a hard time doing that right now.

Baschoen

I got the tools I just need to use them.