Letter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
Letter?
Hi, i'm new to this. My dad is an alcoholic and has been since he got stomach cancer back when I was 4 (I am 19 now). it has been my dad that has brought me up and we are very similar people, which makes it so hard when he drinks. we live on a farm and whenever he drinks someone, usually me, has to take full responsibility for everything. This year i made the resolution that i would talk to my dad and tell how much his drinking hurts and affects me - i have moved away from home now, but i am still tormented by his drinking as i feel so helpless and uselss. My dad and i have never ever had a conversation about his drinking and i am absolutely terrified so iv started writing him a letter which is so much harder than i thought it would be. Has anyone else tried writing it down? Does it make a difference? I always thought that if my dad knew how much he was hurting me he would stop - when he's drunk he seems to think that it makes no difference to my life. I'm terrified that i'll tell him and he'll drink again. Sorry to rant!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Has anyone else tried writing it down? Does it make a difference?
Have you tried going to AlAnon, or seeing a therapist?
It is very difficult to be raised by an alcoholic and come out unscathed.
No, there is nothing wrong with you at all.
You are probably the strongest of all your peers.
But this is not your burden to carry.
I have just received the Big Red Book (for Adult Children of Alcoholics) and every page has been a revelation. I am 51 and need to get through all of this.
I have done AA for my alcoholism, and have done some codependent work here and at home, but this has been a watershed for me.
You can do this. Get better.
Beth
Abnormally normal
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
Hi Barnenlady,
I too am an adult child of an alcoholic and like you, I was very very close to my dad. He was my best friend, my hero and my protector. I was the definition of 'daddy's girl'.
Then as if out of nowhere, he became an alcoholic. (I'm sure it wasn't over night, but that's what it seemed to me) And like you, I was the one to take care of him. I did what I could. I was 12.
I wait by the door for him, and when he'd get home Id make sure he had something to eat. Watching him deteriorate before my eyes was very painful and damaging.
He moved out (kicked out by mom) when I was 13 and he got even worse. He finally sobered up, but by then, I was already an adult and I hadn't seen him that whole time.
I had/have so much anger and hurt behind that whole ordeal and have been carrying it for so many years. I've always told myself that one day I'm going to tell him how all that has affected me.
But I never got the chance. My father died of a massive heart attack 6 yrs ago. Now I'm left with all these feelings.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
Im just saying I wish I took whatever chance I had to talk with my father about his drinking and what it did to me. Or even written a letter. It probably would've given me some sort of closure.
Maybe it'll make you feel better to know he knows how you feel. And as far as him drinking more because of the letter, he's already there. Nothing you do is gonna make it worse or better. If its gonna make you feel better, I say give it to him. Do it for yourself. Its just my opinion though.
Best of luck to you...
I too am an adult child of an alcoholic and like you, I was very very close to my dad. He was my best friend, my hero and my protector. I was the definition of 'daddy's girl'.
Then as if out of nowhere, he became an alcoholic. (I'm sure it wasn't over night, but that's what it seemed to me) And like you, I was the one to take care of him. I did what I could. I was 12.
I wait by the door for him, and when he'd get home Id make sure he had something to eat. Watching him deteriorate before my eyes was very painful and damaging.
He moved out (kicked out by mom) when I was 13 and he got even worse. He finally sobered up, but by then, I was already an adult and I hadn't seen him that whole time.
I had/have so much anger and hurt behind that whole ordeal and have been carrying it for so many years. I've always told myself that one day I'm going to tell him how all that has affected me.
But I never got the chance. My father died of a massive heart attack 6 yrs ago. Now I'm left with all these feelings.
Sorry, I'm rambling.
Im just saying I wish I took whatever chance I had to talk with my father about his drinking and what it did to me. Or even written a letter. It probably would've given me some sort of closure.
Maybe it'll make you feel better to know he knows how you feel. And as far as him drinking more because of the letter, he's already there. Nothing you do is gonna make it worse or better. If its gonna make you feel better, I say give it to him. Do it for yourself. Its just my opinion though.
Best of luck to you...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 147
I am also in a similar situation- my dad has been an alcoholic for years and he started drinking long before I came along and continues to drink now (I'm 23). I've tried writing him a letter probably a hundred times, but I can never seem to get it all out. There's so much pain and anger it's hard to even know where to begin. Needless to say, I have never gotten past the first paragraph of a letter to my dad.
Writing is therapeutic for me, so I journal at least once a week if not more, and that helps a lot. For me, my journal is a place where I can get anything and everything out without fear of being judged or hurt by what I say. It's almost like refuge.
Writing is therapeutic for me, so I journal at least once a week if not more, and that helps a lot. For me, my journal is a place where I can get anything and everything out without fear of being judged or hurt by what I say. It's almost like refuge.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Writing a letter is a good idea, if for no other reason than being able to sort through some of the things you're thinking on your own.
But sending it? That depends on what you hope to get out of it.
Do you hope to gain an apology from your Dad? An active alcoholic is in denial about their condition, and the likelihood of him seeing or admitting to any damage he has caused is exceedingly low.
Do you hope to influence him and get him to stop drinking? Again, the likelihood is exceedingly low, for the same reason as given above.
Do you hope to hurt him in the way that he's hurt you? That stands a greater likelihood than him changing his behaviors, but may have the drawback of driving him to drink even more.
Do you just want him to know why you're behaving the way you are towards him? He will see it as your problem, not his.
In other words, writing a letter may be beneficial to YOU. It will do nothing to change HIM. Alcoholism is a horrible disease in that the person who is drinking usually has no desire to either admit it's a problem or to do anything about it. Everyone else is at fault, or, going the denial route, the alcoholic doesn't have a problem. (My dad falls into the latter category)
I encourage you to really think about WHY you want your dad to get this letter. Rather than thinking about how much better it will make you feel to send it to him, consider how you believe he will receive the letter and what his response is most likely to be. If I were to write my father a letter like that, he would probably first threaten to never speak to me again (as if I could be so lucky) then call me more frequently, drunk and belligerent, telling me what a loser I am and how he can't believe he raised such a waste of humanity. It would NOT result in rainbows and unicorns and happily-ever-after.
Just some things to think about. You can't change HIM, you can only change YOU.
But sending it? That depends on what you hope to get out of it.
Do you hope to gain an apology from your Dad? An active alcoholic is in denial about their condition, and the likelihood of him seeing or admitting to any damage he has caused is exceedingly low.
Do you hope to influence him and get him to stop drinking? Again, the likelihood is exceedingly low, for the same reason as given above.
Do you hope to hurt him in the way that he's hurt you? That stands a greater likelihood than him changing his behaviors, but may have the drawback of driving him to drink even more.
Do you just want him to know why you're behaving the way you are towards him? He will see it as your problem, not his.
In other words, writing a letter may be beneficial to YOU. It will do nothing to change HIM. Alcoholism is a horrible disease in that the person who is drinking usually has no desire to either admit it's a problem or to do anything about it. Everyone else is at fault, or, going the denial route, the alcoholic doesn't have a problem. (My dad falls into the latter category)
I encourage you to really think about WHY you want your dad to get this letter. Rather than thinking about how much better it will make you feel to send it to him, consider how you believe he will receive the letter and what his response is most likely to be. If I were to write my father a letter like that, he would probably first threaten to never speak to me again (as if I could be so lucky) then call me more frequently, drunk and belligerent, telling me what a loser I am and how he can't believe he raised such a waste of humanity. It would NOT result in rainbows and unicorns and happily-ever-after.
Just some things to think about. You can't change HIM, you can only change YOU.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Write it. Sleep on it. Shred it.
Sending an alcoholic parent The Letter never works. My sister tried it with my Dad quite a number of times -- doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results -- and all it did was annoy him. He never saw any problem, right until his death at age 90 this past September.
It's good to get your thoughts down on paper -- but just for your own growth. It will not have any effect on an alcoholic; because as far as he's concerned, he isn't one.
T
Sending an alcoholic parent The Letter never works. My sister tried it with my Dad quite a number of times -- doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results -- and all it did was annoy him. He never saw any problem, right until his death at age 90 this past September.
It's good to get your thoughts down on paper -- but just for your own growth. It will not have any effect on an alcoholic; because as far as he's concerned, he isn't one.
T
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